I’m convinced I have hocd and need help. I’m 24 year old male and one night around September I overheard a friend say “he’s weird, gay or something” referring to me. That night in bed I couldn’t get his comment out of my head I began to analyze and analyze why he thought this. “Am I gay? Why does he think this? I have never been in a serious relationship is that why he thinks that?” I continued to ask myself. The idea that people thought I was homosexual began to grow into my brain and began to loop uncontrollably. I just tried to ignore my thoughts but the more I tried the more I would think about them.
One day I realized I was staring at a friend’s crotch area, it made me feel uncomfortable and I was disgusted, he noticed and from then on I could tell he began to feel uncomfortable in my presence. I guess I began doing this to everyone I encountered because my friends began to treat me differently and talk among themselves.
In December I graduated college and moved back home to find a job. I hung-out with my neighborhood friends as I always did till I began doing the same thing and they started to notice my staring problem. Since then I have avoided all my friends and don't have a social life anymore. I concentrated on my new job but I stare at people everywhere including work.This problem is all i can think about and has taken over my existence. I work with all males in the construction field and i feel everyone has noticed my problem and are judging me. Recently, I get the feeling that they try to avoid me or speak among themselves about me. This problem has ruined my social life and has become an issue at work. I haven’t told anyone in my family about it because of fear.
Over the past week I have begun to research online my problem and found out there are a lot of other people like me who refer to this disease as HOCD. I desperately need help my mind is driving me crazy. It has become difficult to make eye contact as my eyes always move to the crotch area. I don’t want to stare but It’s like I can’t control it and when i do i feel awful and fear the consequences. I say don’t stare and I automatically do.I have never done anything homosexual and get no pleasure from this that i am sure of. I feel terrible every time I compulsively stair and the fear has taken over my life. Please advise i need help immediately.
First let me say that I am not a doctor but rather a person that also suffers from OCD. You have not been formally diagnosed so that is going to be the first thing you need to do. You need to find a psychologist that specializes in OCD and cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT).
OCD is all a mind game...a game we constantly perpetuate on ourselves. you would think we would be able to just say "STOP" and it would go away like it does for other people but for us, people with a chemical imbalance, it just doesn't work that way. Our brains are wired differently.
The more you fight the thought the more it is going to irritate you and stay around. You need to learn the ways of letting things go. Replacing those negative thoughts with positive ones. I honestly think from what you are posting that you are suffering from HOCD. As far as the crotch staring goes, that is another problem that many people have. You so desperately want to NOT look there that you do. Your fight is making your life harder. I'm not saying to stare and say the hell with it...that is not the answer. But rather the answer is to learn techniques to help yourself get a handle on the irrational thoughts to begin with. You have a lot of stress in your life right now that is perpetuating the irrational thinking and so once you get a handle on the OCD part of this, the anxiety will subside.
Since it has taken over your life and affected your job and your social connections, please find a good psychologist that can diagnose you and help you through this. Tell them everything. Don't be embarassed because honestly there is nothing you could ever say to them that they haven't already heard before.
I promise you that you can get past this with the right help. Take care and post again if you need anything else.
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