HOCD and mancrush?

[Rywol]

For a long time I believe I have experienced hocd. I always test myself with gay porn and just the thought of being gay gives me anxiety. I've only had crushes on girls for as long as I can remember and always got aroused to the thought of women. But recently I've realized I have what I consider to be a man crush on Andrew Garfield, the guy who plays Spider-Man. When I first saw the movie I just noticed he was an attractive dude and I tested to see if I was sexually aroused by him and I wasn't. My anxiety didn't bother me at the time because my hocd wasn't bothering me at the time. But now thinking back it just gives me anxiety because I think he I a good looking guy and people say that I look like him and it makes me feel good about myself but the anxiety just drives me crazy thinking that I am sexually attracted to him when I don't believe I am. I just want to know if this is my hocd or if it is a man crush or if I am gay. Please help

[JGF25]

Maybe zoloft.  I think you should do it because your OCD has been going on too long and you need to remember what it feels like to feel normal again.  The medication will help you with this and of course continue the CBT because medication alone, while it does a great job, sometimes there is break through and you need your CBT and things will be good again.  

[Rywol]

And yes she is going to do cbt

[Rywol]

They would like to start putting me on a medication that starts with a z but I forget the exact name

[JGF25]

Oh good.  I'm glad to see that you are seeing a psychiatrist.  Are they putting you on medication?  Usually psychiatrists don't do talk therapy or teach CBT.  

[Rywol]

But is that normal or hocd?

[Rywol]

I have started going to a psychiatrist.

[JGF25]

You have been on here before with the same problem.  What have you changed since then?  You are still testing and I'm sure I told you that that was bad.  

[Rywol]

I would like to add that if I do have hocd I believe that it has made me reanalyze every moment I have ever been at a guy friend's house and made me believe I have done gay acts while I was there. And they would be situations in which no one would consider them gay otherwise. Like this one time I was at a friends house and he had to go shower and at the time I thought nothing of it. But now my mind is telling me that I liked the thought that he had to shower and that I wanted to shower with him, when at the time I thought nothing of it and wouldn't have wanted to shower with him. Basically my head has told me I've acted gay in situations when I have not acted gay. And this whole man crush thing is scaring me because as I said when I was seeing Spider-man at the theaters I tested myself to see if I was aroused by him and I wasn't. But now my head is killing me with anxiety and making me believe I am aroused by him. When in all reality I think I just want to be like him or look like him or something. Is this gay?