so i found this site a couple days ago and figured that i was suffering from HOCD, i still am. with research and knowing what i am dealing with i have been able to handle it a bit better. I can control the thoughts i do not want and have been able to lower my anxiety.
My OCD started when i could not get an erection with a girl i wanted to be with for a good while. I suffered with HOCD very mildly since then but it went away when i met another girl. My OCD was pretty much gone from then. Next time it came up was in my class after i consumed too much alcohol and could not achieve a proper erection. I looked too much into the situation even when i knew what the problem was and my HOCD begin, this time a lot more sever and the questions started popping in my head. From then i've been terrified. Spikes would be through the whole day. I started being able to get them down to a couple a day. Today i have had none about looking at other guys and being scared i was secretly gay.
I have never been attracted to guys i have been with several girls and remember it going well and my body and mind being 100% attracted to them but my OCD is of course doubting me.
My anxiety got to a point where i stopped going to the gym and just wanted to be home and i was always tired.
i would get chest pain, some type of tunnel vision, and the anxiety arousal shock many of us confuse with actual arousal that i have read about.
now my chest pain is minimal, very little tunnel vision and very little of those shocks.
just last night i was with my girlfriend. At first my anxiety was getting a hold of me becuse i was scared i was not gonna be able to be with her, but after a while i realized that i wanted to be with her and that was the fact. Other than that was my OCD talking. While i was with her i my brain automatically started doing test to prove to myself that i wasn't gay. This is not healthy for a relationship. this OCD has terrified me because i feel like i will lose her because of it.
I still want to get help and looked at by a doctor because how severe the OCD felt before i thought my life was going to be ruined.
That is where the next problem came in, i cannot afford a therapist as i still live at home and my parents will pay for it. but i know i will have tot ell them what OCD i have. The thought of doing so terrified me into tears because i am scared they will not believe me and assume that i am just in denial and have always been gay. Them thinking that will just cause more spikes for me. Is this just the OCD? It caused anxiety with chest pains up to my shoulder, accelerated heart beat and even that shock.
i am going to talk to my best friend about it first.
millions of people go through this my man. You are not alone. I have gone through this. Your not getting an erection sounds more like performance anxiety rather than what you are fearing. Seems like its become hard for you to relax when you are engaging in sexual behavior. Arousal and anxiety do not go together, so when you are not able to relax, you are not able to hold and erection.
Speaking with a therapist can help, but from what is sounds like it is just anxiety and OCD manifesting in your fear. If you were truly gay you would know it. And life isn't so black and white, there are no need to put labels on things. There are straight people who have engaged in homosexual behavior in life and vice versa. Just because you have thoughts/visions, do not mean you secretly want to do these things. I've had visions of harming people or flipping my car, but it doesn't mean I want to do them.
Your situation sounds like anxiety and I think speaking with a therapist can help. IMO you are straight, just have some fears and anxieties that are extremely common with people who have OCD.
I have them too and its sometimes really hard, but you just have to realize that it is OCD. Again nobody is truly going to be able to give you an answer, but you shouldn't search for one. The more you search, the more you will check and compulse. Just be you and relax and do what you want (which from the sound of it is women).
haven't checked this in a while. I'm getting A LOT better. I barely have that voice inside my head trying to argue with me, and if i do i don't let it bug me. I always get freaked out that i won't be normal around my girlfriend though, i haven't been able to see her in a while either. I think just spending more time with her will help me realize that everything is going to be okay. The last times i seen her i have been aroused. Which should be enough proof for me but it just goes in a big what if circle.
Improving everyday though!
Thank you for your responsive by the way!
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