HOCD is driving me crazy

[ckennedy7200]

Ok so I've have OCD since I was about 10 years old. I was doing pretty good until recently I've had these horrible thoughts about being gay. I'm now 16 and I am constantly worrying about being gay. Not that I have anything against gay people. I just can't get these thoughts out of my head. I feel like I have to keep checking and imagining myself with another girl (I'm a girl) to see if I'm gay. And if I feel like I didn't hate the though I have to keep checking over and over again until I absolutely hate the thought.
It started because I was around my best friend and I suddenly felt this urge to be close to her. Then I was like OMG am I gay!! Then the next day I saw someone that I knew and thought. "Wow she looks really pretty today."And that triggered it again.
When I think about being with another girl I find it very wrong and unappealing, and I know that should prove that I'm not gay. But I just can't get the thought out of my head. I can't ever remember feeling any attraction towards girls until now. I have always been attracted to boys and found boys good looking. But I just can't get these thoughts out of my head. It's so bad that now I can't even think about a girl without OCD saying "oh since you thought about her that means your gay. "Please help.

[ckennedy7200]

Thanks for responding. Your post made me feel better. I've tried to stop checking and I feel a little better after a while of not checking. But then if I think about it again I feel like I'm denying that I might be gay and I have to check again. It's very annoying because even though the thought is wrong to me OCD still makes me feel like I'm denying the truth. Is this normal??

I know I need to stop checking because I can already see that it's getting worse. Man this OCD really stinks. Will I ever get over it and are these feelins normal? Please help thank you.

[JGF25]

Hi there and welcome to the OCD forum.

Since you have had OCD since you were 10 and you are now 16, what have you been doing to help yourself cope with your OCD?  I'm sure that this isn't the only irrational thought you have had in the past.  For me, I'm the queen of irrational thinking.  And yes, I have thought I was gay as well at one point and I was married at the time...how's that for irrational LOL

In any case, what you are doing is taking what people normally do which is notice others, how they dress, look, etc and your OCD is now taking it to the nth degree with the thoughts about being gay.  

Actually what you have to do is give them no credit.  You need to stop the checking or if you do check then you have to self-coach yourself through it with something like, "yes, she is pretty but I like guys, always have and always will...now move on."  Statements of fact to replace those irrational thoughts.  It is so easy to get caught up in the fiction rather than the fact.  

I'm certain that you are not gay, also not that there is anything wrong with that, but just from the fact that you have OCD and HOCD is a very prevalent irrational thought that many, many people have including guys.  

So if you are doing nothing for your OCD and have kind of just been managing these last 6 years, then you may want to think about seeing a psychologist to get some help.  I didn't start having bad OCD until I was about 18 or so and from there is kind of snowballed.  Just suggesting that you nip this as fast as you can and at the same time learn come coping strategies to help you with any future irrational thoughts.

This is also a good book

The OCD Workbook: Your Guide to Breaking Free from Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder

Take care and post again if you need anything else.