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HOCD is ruining my life
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HOCD is ruining my life

I don't know what to do anymore. Ive always been attracted to girls. Growing up, I never looked at guys in any way other than friendship. I had crushes on girls all through my elementary school years, and on one girl in particular, who's attention id always try to get and id always try to be around her, but then would always choke up and get nervous when i was around her. Then, i moved in high school, and had girlfriends all throughout. But in grade nine or so, I found out that some people had thought i might be gay. I guess it was because when i moved i got a girlfriend right away, and all her friends just sorta became mine, and naturally they were all girls, so i was always around them. But all through my life i had always had guy friends and a best friend and stuff and had never questioned myself. So after hearing this, i thought "man, i never thought of that. that would suck. what if i was? but I've never even considered a guy like that, and the thought makes me sick." after a few months the fear went away, and i kinda just brushed it off, saying that there was no way i was gay. i guess the fear never really fully went away though. I'm 19 now and the fear of maybe being gay is insane. it always seems to get worse in times of stress from other parts of my life.
The thing is, there is almost no reason for me to think I'm gay. Ive never been turned on by looking or thinking about a guy. As far as i can remember, I've never had a gay dream, and i dream about girls almost every night, several times a night, sexually and more emotionally. I've only ever had sexual experiences with girls, and I've always loved them. this is something that has never happened with a guy. I've never wanted to or had a gay experience. I've tried a few times looking at gay porn, and it has given me no arousal. when i think about girls, and i mean really think, doing my best to push out these hocd fears, i get aroused, and the idea of being with a girl just seems right. so you can imagine how distressing it is for me to not be able to stop thinking about maybe being gay and guys. i feel sick all the time, i can't pay attention in class, I've had suicidal thoughts. its generally ruining my life. i always find myself compelled to check if I'm aroused and hard when i see a guy or think about a guy, but i never am. when i think "oh ****, i could be gay" my stomach drops and my heart starts pounding. its the worst feeling in the world.
its crazy, every once and i while ill step back and look at my situation and think, this is crazy. theres no way its true. i know that. but then the fear rushes back before too long. this is ruining my life and i just want to know if anyone has any tips to get rid of this. seeing a psychologist is too expensive so i wanna try to work this out on my own first. if anyone has any advice, please help.
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I'm not ignoring you but I know you read DIEHOCD's post and answers and they all apply to you as well.  
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