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HOCD or Gay/Bi denial **Vlong story/explanation**
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HOCD or Gay/Bi denial **Vlong story/explanation**

*BEFORE YOU START I WANNA SAY THANKS AND PLEASE READ IT ALL OR YOU WONT UNDERSTAND AT ALL THANKS **
Hi guys im 17 years old and i am not sure if i have HOCD or i am experiencing a sexual crisis or gay denial basically i have always been normal lad growing up like i played rugby did kickboxing and all that so i am not 'camp' in anyway lol but i wouldn't say i have been 100% hetero until these last couple of years as when i was 10-11 in my last year at primary/elementary school me and these 2 other boys 'experimented' i suppose you could say i cant remember it all completely but i can remember that we kissed i think and we felt each others penis's i am not sure if we bummed or not but i cant remember and i can remember that i didn't 'fancy' or like these boys i just thought it was fun anyway after that i went to high school and i never saw these boys again and then like a year and a half later i met this girl and i had sex with her but i cant remember it all that well and im not sure if i liked it or not as i cant remember anyway then about 6 months after that i developed this crush on a boy who lived near me and who i used to chill with at this time i was about 12 or something and i can remember i really liked him and and all that but i never actually did anything with him anyway all that faded after like a yr then when i was like 13/14 my friend stopped at mine and we was in the same the bed as i had a double bed and we both just started doing things and feeling each others penis's and i think we may have bummed ( and i know at this point ur probs thinking ' your deffo gay but read it all plz) i cant remember but we may have done and in the morning it was awkward and we just got on as normal tbh and had a laugh about it we didnt like each other at all that way it just happened some how and then in that same year i had one more sexual encounter with a boy wer we just felt each others penis's and that was the last ever one i had and during all that 'bi curios' time from me being 10-14 i always liked girls as well anyway then when i was 15 i started getting serious crushes on girls and things just like normal and its all been pretty normal and 100% hetero for like 2-3 years until like 3 weeks ago when my mate said " so & so thinks your bi" and thats what triggered it all off on the 1st week it was just constant thoughts saying 'your gay' and all the normal hocd stuff and symptoms and i was just really scared of been gay then on the 2nd week (lastweek) it was all the same but a little worse like wheni looked at an attractive girl i would get intrusive thoughts saying 'why you looking your gay' but also last week i slept at my next door neighbors (a girl) and we was laid on the same sofa and she took her top off so it was just her bra and she asked me to tickle her back so i did and when i was doing it i got a huge erection and i produced some pre-*** wich i then thought if i was gay i wouldn't  be doing this so it reassured me it was HOCD any way this weekend just passed i went out with some people and they was all saying that they think im gay and all this **** just cos i like justin bieber (stupid iknow) and then from that i suppose its made me really bad cos real people have said it and i actually am starting to think i am gay like all my attraction to women has faded (i dont know if HOCD can do this ) and like im just really worried now and like i just feel gay lol like when i think of being with a man it still makes me feel sick and its not right and all that but i dont its hard to explain i just really feel it like i dont have any attraction to men at all in that way , also when i think of doing things with another girl i get an erection still but im just really confused worried and i dont know also today i went for a walk with this girl and she likes me and she was flirting with me and for the 1st time ever i didnt feel anything at all i just felt no attraction what so ever but this time 2 weeks ago i would of ? and its soo f**ked up and weird please help
3 Comments Post a Comment
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1699033_tn?1345482688
We are not qualified to diagnose people on the forum so I cannot say whether you are gay, bi or hetero.  What I do want to know is during those experimental times you pretty much say "I can't remember" for everything.  What I want to know is are you blocking this out for some reason?   I mean if you had anal sex, I think you would remember it.  Is it something that thinking back it disgusts you and so you are trying to block those memories because now you are saying that "being with a man makes me feel sick and its not right."
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Avatar_n_tn
Also i have just watched gay porn and straight porn as a test to see and when i watched the straight porn i got a little erection not a huge one but i still got aroused and an erection and when i watched the gay porn my heart started beating fast and my anxiety was high and i also didnt get an erection what so ever
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1699033_tn?1345482688
Testing makes this type of thinking continue on and on. Please read my post about The Anatomy Of a Horrific Thought. I will move it o the top of the forum
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