Hello all, I'm a 19 y/o male and here is my story.
So I guess recently I have had thoughts that I am gay..... They started popping into my head during the middle of/beginning of summer 2012 and have escalated and not gone away. I have started seeing a BCT specialist to get to the bottom of my mental struggle.
I don't even know where to start so here I go....
For the first 18 years of my life I was 100% sure that I was straight, I never had any gay thoughts whatsoever. Although recently I discovered that I did have some gay experiences, like one of my friends and I took our boxers off in the dark and just dry humped the ground in the pitch black (we were extremely young I don't even know), and I popped an erection.
Fast forward to middle school, where I started noticing girls, and never had a gay thought at all. Here's the catch, even though I noticed girls I was extremely shy, for example this one girl I had a crush on would walk a certain way through school to say hi to me and I eventually started walking a different way to avoid her.
In high school, for the first two years I was the same way where I would be too afraid to kiss the girl that I liked (she liked me back). She eventually started dating this other guy and that was the last chance I got with her. During my junior year I had my first kiss with a girl that I had allegedly liked, but when we first kissed all it was like was like our lips were moving back and forth (I was too nervous to put my tongue in), I was aroused and I had pre-*** in my pants but I dunno. The next girl I liked I actually befriended first, and for a year we were just friends but during my senior year we started dating. I really liked this girl and I eventually fell in love with her, I really enjoyed getting blowjobs from her but I was really scared to try sex (so was she). When we eventually did the only thing I could focus on was holding my load, so instead of focusing on sexing her I was just thinking about different things because I was afraid I was going to *** too quickly. This became a habit every time we had sex, but I eventually got into it and started enjoying it.
When I went off the college we stayed together until my spring break, but we had been really distant from the time between Jan-Mar 2012 (Over the my winter break, which was a month long, I only saw her twice). I hate to admit it but I cheated on her between that period of time with a girl that I was interested in, but nothing ever came of that. So after we broke up, my usage of weed increased to an insane amount, to the point where I was high 75% of the time I was awake. This carried on throughout my summer, and eventually my homosexual thoughts popped into my head. At first I hated them, and didn't want anything to do with them and pushed them aside, but as they got worse and worse I eventually started researching online and discovered "HOCD". At first I saw that this was what was wrong with me, and I was content that I wasn't actually gay. As time moved on my thoughts got worse and worse and I eventually mustered up the courage to tell my mom about the thoughts and she got me to see a therapist while I was on break, who in my opinion, had no idea what she was talking about and really was no help at all.
The thoughts started when I was laying in bed one night, while I was high, wondering what it was like to be gay. I brushed them aside at first and then someone asked me if I was gay (I think I may come off as gay for some reason or another) which really scared me.
As I mentioned earlier I started seeing a new therapist last week who I really like. He seems to know what he's talking about.
Before I forget I also was psychologically addicted to weed after I broke up with my ex. I was high probably 75% of the time I was awake, and during these times I would notice girls more than guys with occasional thoughts. Eventually when my thoughts got worse the weed actually made me more paranoid of the thoughts and just amplified the anxiety I received from them. (I am 3 weeks sober now)
Now I'll get to why I think I may be gay.
Every time I see a girl in public I don't even look at them anymore, most girls just aren't attractive to me, and when I do I don't have the balls to go up and talk to them. This happens to me all the time, I think I have social anxiety because no matter who I'm talking to I start to shake and worry what I look like and then worry how I sound, etc. The only time I am not anxious in social settings is when I'm talking to people that I am already friends with.
It's hard for me to get aroused by nude pictures of girls, I haven't always been this way but now I just stare at the nude pic and nothing happens. I'm also afraid to watch porn because I always am afraid that I may be watching the guy too much or some stupid **** like that. Also when I try to masturbate to thoughts of girls I get impulses of men and it freaks me out.
Before I started having the thoughts I could never tell if a guy was attractive, but now if I see an attractive guy I get all nervous, not the type of nervous where I'm afraid to talk to them but anxious because I find them good looking.
Also I've attempted to have sex with a girl and actually had sex with another since I broke up with my ex. I did not enjoy either time as I again was just focused on holding my load, and it was really hard to preform (I could not get a boner for one of them). I think I should note that I was also high for both of these times.
I have impulses of gay thoughts (duh). Before I actually knew what HOCD was I would question myself "what if I'm gay?", sometimes resulting in a panic attack that usually ended with me crying. I was sure I was straight. But now that I know what it is I have no idea if I am or not... people say you know if you're gay deep down, well how do I know if I am or not. I've tried imagining myself having sex with men and I don't think I'd be able to do it, it grosses me out, but at the same time if I see an attractive guy in public I get nervous.
The idea of having sex with a woman does not turn me on that much.
Why I think I'm not gay
At a young age I was interested in girls, I can remember all my crushes and imagining doing sexual thing with them, even when I was 10.
I have already fallen in love with a girl.
I had never thought a man was "hot" or good looking until I started having these thoughts.
I have a history of OCD, when I was younger I had the fear of death. I would lay in my bed at night and just whisper to myself "I don't wanna die" over and over to the point where I was crying myself to sleep. I also had the fear that I was gonna be killed in my sleep by a burglar/serial killer so I would HAVE to sleep with my door open (so I could see the hallway), not to forget to mention that I would have to lock every door in my house before going to sleep, and that I would check every lock 4-5 times before I was sure they were actually locked.
I don't think that I want to have sex with a man, I really don't. But how can I be sure?
I was diagnosed with ADHD (ADD) this summer and the thoughts started up around the same time I started taking adderall. I am off of adderall now and onto vyvanse but for the period in between the two I was taking strattera. The thoughts didn't go away while I was on the non-stimulant strattera.
I have extremely low self esteem which may be the root cause of my doubts in my sexuality (this is a big one). I typically think that I'm not good enough for anyone that doesn't already know me.
Sorry if this is really hard to read/follow, ADHD causes my grammar and sentence formation to be extremely ******.
Can anybody help me with my dilemma?
Here is a link to a reddit post that I made awhile back when I first found out what HOCD was.
Hi there...I'm glad that you had the courage to go and talk to your mom and that she guided you to a new therapist.
The following quote says volumes to me
" I've tried imagining myself having sex with men and I don't think I'd be able to do it, it grosses me out, but at the same time if I see an attractive guy in public I get nervous."
When I had HOCD along with many other irrational thoughts, part of my therapy was to go into a dark room, close my eyes and imagine doing the things that I was thinking about and what I found is that I wasn't that person. I wouldn't and didn't want to do any of those things. As far as checking people out, that has to do with the self-esteem issue. Hell I still check out other women and I'm 48. What it comes down to is that I want to look as good as the next 48 year old! Doesn't make me gay.
When you say that thinking about having sex with a man grosses you out, that tells me that you are not gay and that you more than likely have HOCD. You have to remember though, I am not a psychologist or psychiatrist but rather just another OCD sufferer. So stick with your therapy and I'm sure that the professional will be able to help you get through this and also address your self-esteem issues. It isn't surprising to me that you abused drugs...many ADD/ADHD kids abuse drugs and alcohol and have low self-esteem issues because their ADD/ADHD hasn't been dealt with and they feel like social outcasts. My son has ADHD and he's been on meds for a long time and doesn't have any self-esteem issue or drug use issues. So don't beat yourself up about that.
Personally I think that pot kills a person's sex drive and add to that the whole dialog you had going on in your head, it is no wonder things didn't turn out well.
You are going to be fine. I don't think you are gay and keep up with your therapy.
Thank you so much for replying so fast, you really have no idea how much I appreciate it.
I guess for now I'll just deal with my thoughts until my new therapist can break my cycle.
The thing that freaks me out the most is that I have a lot of the qualities that a repressed gay would have, but I also have a lot of symptoms that somebody with HOCD would have. My main argument/evidence is that I was truly into girls when I was really young. Not to forget to mention that my mom, who really knows me better than anyone else told me that I did not come off as gay during any part of my life, and she definitely would have been open with me about it if she thought so. I also used to be a competitive swimmer, and I never got aroused by the sight of a muscular man in a speedo.
My thoughts definitely stemmed from my lack of wanting to have sex with women, but that definitely happened because I have PE, I can't even have sex without cumming in probably less than 30 seconds. I also have a lot of anxiety geared towards sex, probably also due to my PE.
Again, thank you so much for your post.
P.S. I saw that you comment on pretty much every post on this forum, you seriously are a superhero here.
Also I guess I'm getting more and more freaked out because I'm starting to notice more attractive guys than girls, which was never the case before.
I just aimlessly browse the internet for at least an hour a day trying to figure out if gay people have had similar feelings as I had or if they're symptoms of HOCD, and they're both.... It's just the constant doubting and anxiety that kills me.
I truly do not think that I'm gay but my brain keeps me guessing.. there's really no other way to describe it.
Oh trust me....I know exactly what the mind is capable of. It torments us with all the stuff that scares us. Anyway, I would encouarge you to stop the testing. Give up the internet right now because I think it is just making things worse for you. By constantly testing, you are actually adding fuel to the thought when what you should really be doing is saying "WHATEVER." When you are no longer afraid of it, it will go away. I know that sounds stupid but when I start to think I'm going to have a panic attack while driving...I start in on the self-coaching "I drive all the time and this is no different" stuff and usually I don't have a panic attack. Sometimes I even say "bring it on" to myself and that works as well. I'm not afraid anymore because I have had so many of them that I know I will get through it and be just fine. That is where you need to get to.
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