Hello all, I'm a 19 y/o male and here is my story.
So I guess recently I have had thoughts that I am gay..... They started popping into my head during the middle of/beginning of summer 2012 and have escalated and not gone away. I have started seeing a BCT specialist to get to the bottom of my mental struggle.
I don't even know where to start so here I go....
For the first 18 years of my life I was 100% sure that I was straight, I never had any gay thoughts whatsoever. Although recently I discovered that I did have some gay experiences, like one of my friends and I took our boxers off in the dark and just dry humped the ground in the pitch black (we were extremely young I don't even know), and I popped an erection.
Fast forward to middle school, where I started noticing girls, and never had a gay thought at all. Here's the catch, even though I noticed girls I was extremely shy, for example this one girl I had a crush on would walk a certain way through school to say hi to me and I eventually started walking a different way to avoid her.
In high school, for the first two years I was the same way where I would be too afraid to kiss the girl that I liked (she liked me back). She eventually started dating this other guy and that was the last chance I got with her. During my junior year I had my first kiss with a girl that I had allegedly liked, but when we first kissed all it was like was like our lips were moving back and forth (I was too nervous to put my tongue in), I was aroused and I had pre-*** in my pants but I dunno. The next girl I liked I actually befriended first, and for a year we were just friends but during my senior year we started dating. I really liked this girl and I eventually fell in love with her, I really enjoyed getting blowjobs from her but I was really scared to try sex (so was she). When we eventually did the only thing I could focus on was holding my load, so instead of focusing on sexing her I was just thinking about different things because I was afraid I was going to *** too quickly. This became a habit every time we had sex, but I eventually got into it and started enjoying it.
When I went off the college we stayed together until my spring break, but we had been really distant from the time between Jan-Mar 2012 (Over the my winter break, which was a month long, I only saw her twice). I hate to admit it but I cheated on her between that period of time with a girl that I was interested in, but nothing ever came of that. So after we broke up, my usage of weed increased to an insane amount, to the point where I was high 75% of the time I was awake. This carried on throughout my summer, and eventually my homosexual thoughts popped into my head. At first I hated them, and didn't want anything to do with them and pushed them aside, but as they got worse and worse I eventually started researching online and discovered "HOCD". At first I saw that this was what was wrong with me, and I was content that I wasn't actually gay. As time moved on my thoughts got worse and worse and I eventually mustered up the courage to tell my mom about the thoughts and she got me to see a therapist while I was on break, who in my opinion, had no idea what she was talking about and really was no help at all.
The thoughts started when I was laying in bed one night, while I was high, wondering what it was like to be gay. I brushed them aside at first and then someone asked me if I was gay (I think I may come off as gay for some reason or another) which really scared me.
As I mentioned earlier I started seeing a new therapist last week who I really like. He seems to know what he's talking about.
Before I forget I also was psychologically addicted to weed after I broke up with my ex. I was high probably 75% of the time I was awake, and during these times I would notice girls more than guys with occasional thoughts. Eventually when my thoughts got worse the weed actually made me more paranoid of the thoughts and just amplified the anxiety I received from them. (I am 3 weeks sober now)
Now I'll get to why I think I may be gay.
Every time I see a girl in public I don't even look at them anymore, most girls just aren't attractive to me, and when I do I don't have the balls to go up and talk to them. This happens to me all the time, I think I have social anxiety because no matter who I'm talking to I start to shake and worry what I look like and then worry how I sound, etc. The only time I am not anxious in social settings is when I'm talking to people that I am already friends with.
It's hard for me to get aroused by nude pictures of girls, I haven't always been this way but now I just stare at the nude pic and nothing happens. I'm also afraid to watch porn because I always am afraid that I may be watching the guy too much or some stupid **** like that. Also when I try to masturbate to thoughts of girls I get impulses of men and it freaks me out.
Before I started having the thoughts I could never tell if a guy was attractive, but now if I see an attractive guy I get all nervous, not the type of nervous where I'm afraid to talk to them but anxious because I find them good looking.
Also I've attempted to have sex with a girl and actually had sex with another since I broke up with my ex. I did not enjoy either time as I again was just focused on holding my load, and it was really hard to preform (I could not get a boner for one of them). I think I should note that I was also high for both of these times.
I have impulses of gay thoughts (duh). Before I actually knew what HOCD was I would question myself "what if I'm gay?", sometimes resulting in a panic attack that usually ended with me crying. I was sure I was straight. But now that I know what it is I have no idea if I am or not... people say you know if you're gay deep down, well how do I know if I am or not. I've tried imagining myself having sex with men and I don't think I'd be able to do it, it grosses me out, but at the same time if I see an attractive guy in public I get nervous.
The idea of having sex with a woman does not turn me on that much.
Why I think I'm not gay
At a young age I was interested in girls, I can remember all my crushes and imagining doing sexual thing with them, even when I was 10.
I have already fallen in love with a girl.
I had never thought a man was "hot" or good looking until I started having these thoughts.
I have a history of OCD, when I was younger I had the fear of death. I would lay in my bed at night and just whisper to myself "I don't wanna die" over and over to the point where I was crying myself to sleep. I also had the fear that I was gonna be killed in my sleep by a burglar/serial killer so I would HAVE to sleep with my door open (so I could see the hallway), not to forget to mention that I would have to lock every door in my house before going to sleep, and that I would check every lock 4-5 times before I was sure they were actually locked.
I don't think that I want to have sex with a man, I really don't. But how can I be sure?
I was diagnosed with ADHD (ADD) this summer and the thoughts started up around the same time I started taking adderall. I am off of adderall now and onto vyvanse but for the period in between the two I was taking strattera. The thoughts didn't go away while I was on the non-stimulant strattera.
I have extremely low self esteem which may be the root cause of my doubts in my sexuality (this is a big one). I typically think that I'm not good enough for anyone that doesn't already know me.
Sorry if this is really hard to read/follow, ADHD causes my grammar and sentence formation to be extremely ******.
Can anybody help me with my dilemma?
Here is a link to a reddit post that I made awhile back when I first found out what HOCD was.
http://www.reddit.com/r/OCD/comments/15ybgm/halp_ocd_turned_hocd/