I'm a 18 year old male and about a month ago i was watching this video on YouTube and it had a transsexual on it so then i started to wonder what it looked like so i went and watched transsexual porn and got aroused and masturbated after that i started to think to myself if i was gay so i went and tried to watch gay porn and all it did was freaked me out before i would just think of women all day and think about having sex with them and now i keep getting these thoughts in my head about men and it scares me it's like i can't get these thought out of my head I've always been attracted to women and aroused by women it's like now i can't even be around my guy friends without thinking if im attracted to them it makes me so uncomfortable i feel like im going crazy im a really depressed person I've never gotten over things i always over think everything this just won't get out of my head it's really scaring me im still a virgin and i don't want my first time to be with a man all I've ever wanted was a wife and kids i just can't see myself with a man and i know some of you are going to say im in denial but how can i be in denial if i've never liked men nor have i ever wanted to be with men the more i think of this the more i start to get scared and believe it im afraid to go outside now i don't have anything against gay people i just don't think that is the life for me i feel like im losing my mind in the past I've thought about committing suicide because of depression and every time i try to think about losing my virginity to a women now i think to myself what if i don't like it these thoughts are really messing with my head and freaking me out I've never even been attracted to men all these thought are just making me depressed i still love women i just don't know what's going on with me i also think to myself what if i finally get married and have kids and these thoughts come back also when i was little like 8 year old me and another boy touched each other privates this makes me also depressed because i can't get that memory out of my head either alot of people are on yahoo said im bi curious but i don't really get that i mean how can i be bi curious if I've never had any desire to be with men before i saw the transsexual porn i used to look at guys and just think of them as just guys nothing more now it's this constant thought of am i attracted to this guy because i am looking at him sure i've seen attractive guys but i never wanted to be with them i just wanted to be like them sometimes i calm down and know im straight because i've always been attracted to girls even before the incident happened when i was 8 i've never even pictured myself with a man and now i try and think of situations with men i never get an erection i just get this wierd feeling like i should'nt be doing it and i get scared in start to shake my head i just don't know what to do anymore is this HOCD or am i in denial of being gay or bi?
Hey! Let me first say to calm you down bc I'm sure this is what you'll live to hear. To me (i am NOT a psychiatrist but a person with a similar story but female and many people have told me I have some severe ocd and I'm going to a psychiatrist in a few weeks to get it checked out) you have hocd. I can completely relate and just want to let you know you are not alone and many people with ocd have your problem. The way you say you overanalyze stuff describes a person with ocd.
Here is a website that might help you realize and make you feel better. It has three other parts to the article and it is great! http://www.ocdla.com/blog/sexual-orientation-hocd-gay-ocd-treatment-1010. know this will give you some relief on what you're obsessing about, but it will not get rid of the thoughts. People with ocd are deep thinkers and are constantly thinking. The way to help live with ocd is certain therapys called cbt and erp therapy! Look them up!
Also try getting some help. I understand its not easy talking to someone bc you're afraid they will say you're gay or bi like those stupid people from yahoo but a psychiatrist or psychologist who knows ocd will not be surprised by this at all.
Speaking of the people from the yahoo. They said you were bi curious. Them never having the problems you are facing I bet have never really looked into ocd or even know what hocd is...so they will automatically say whatever opinion they have because society today is so quick to judge. But what bi curious means is someone who isn't necessarily bisexual or gay but someone curious about both sexes in that way which is similar kinda to hocd but different at the same time bc your thoughts and images in your head are unwanted.
If you were really gay or bisexual you wouldn't be fighting it like you are. The fact that it makes so scared and anxious shows you are not. Every gay person I know has never panicked about being gay. They have panicked about what others may think but they don't panick about themselves bc it's what they've always have wanted and known. There's no "secret" want they had and didn't know about it. They knew and enjoyed it. You however are panicking.
Therefore when the mind is in a panic state it can not rationalize well and will pretty much trick into believing in your own fear bc that's what the ocd thrives off of. Trust me I know. It's hard to believe whats going on isnt real even though you low deep down its not. But you've got to have faith and know what that is.
As for the porn. People will get turned on by anything if they are open enough. It doesn't mean they are gay or bisexual. That stuff is meant to be taken sexually and turn people on. I'm guessing the fact that the transvestite looked like a women turned you on bc it reminded you well of web and then the penis part reminded you of your own sexual pleasure bc well you have one and can relate. Erp will help you with this kinda stuff and seeing same sex people and eventually your fear will subside and you'll feel way better again and be able to realize how stupid you were acting. Trust me I've done it!
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