HOCD or am i in denial of being gay

[jay780]

I'm a 17 year old male and about a month ago i was watching this video on YouTube and it had a transsexual on it so then i started to wonder what it looked like so i went and watched transsexual porn and got aroused and masturbated after that i started to think to myself if i was gay so i went and tried to watch gay porn and all it did was freaked me out before i would just think of women all day and think about having sex with them and now i keep getting these thoughts in my head about men and it scares me it's like i can't get these thought out of my head I've always been attracted to women and aroused by women it's like now i can't even be around my guy friends without thinking if im attracted to them it makes me so uncomfortable i feel like im going crazy im a really depressed person I've never gotten over things i always over think everything this just won't get out of my head it's really scaring me im still a virgin and i don't want my first time to be with a man all I've ever wanted was a wife and kids i just can't see myself with a man and i know some of you are going to say im in denial but how can i be in denial if i've never liked men nor have i ever wanted to be with men the more i think of this the more i start to get scared and believe it im afraid to go outside now i don't have anything against gay people i just don't think that is the life for me i feel like im losing my mind in the past I've thought about committing suicide because of depression and every time i try to think about losing my virginity to a women now i think to myself what if i don't like it these thoughts are really messing with my head and freaking me out I've never even been attracted to men all these thought are just making me depressed i still love women i just don't know what's going on with me i also think to myself what if i finally get married and have kids and these thoughts come back also when i was little like 8 year old me and another boy touched each other privates this makes me also depressed because i can't get that memory out of my head either alot of people are on yahoo said im bi curious but i don't really get that i mean how can i be bi curious if I've never had any desire to be with men before i saw the transsexual porn i used to look at guys and just think of them as just guys nothing more now it's this constant thought of am i attracted to this guy because i am looking at him sure i've seen attractive guys but i never wanted to be with them i just wanted to be like them sometimes i calm down and know im straight because i've always been attracted to girls even before the incident happened when i was 8 i've never even pictured myself with a man and now i try and think of situations with men i never get an erection i just get this wierd feeling like i should'nt be doing it and i get scared in start to shake my head i just don't know what to do anymore is this HOCD or am i in denial of being gay?

[blahwhatdoido]

Hi there Jay! I'm new to this forum and most of the things you've explained I have been through and going through! You are not alone! and you might even realize other stuff that made you feel like this before, like other topics.  it'll make you feel calmer(at least it did for me) bc you might see a similarity. I didn't realize it until a a year ago. It's still hard but try talking to a therapist. That's what I'm doing. I have my first appointment soon and I'm pretty excited. Hope all is well!

[JGF25]

Hi there Jay....as you can see on the forum HOCD is pretty common.  Sometimes I feel like cutting and pasting my response.  But every person is different.  

This is what I always tell people.  I believe that being gay, hetero, or bi has a basis in genetics.  We are either born this way or we are not.  The thing about the transsexual porn is that it was something different and sex of any kind is arousing.  What I always tell people is that if I were to watch regular porn there is going to be girls with girls...that is just how it is most of the time, and if I had an orgasm during the girl on girl part, does that make me gay?  No it doesn't because it isn't the players that is turning me on but rather the content.  Hopefully that makes sense to you.  

As for the touching...all kids do that and people with OCD sometimes have triggers in their past that bring out current thoughts.  For example, and this is very embarassing but when I was 7 I wet my pants in a very public place.  I then spent my college years always looking for a bathroom because I was  irrationally thinking it would happen again.  Right after I left a bathroom I had to go back in, that is how bad it was.  So you see how those things can affect us down the road.  

You stated that you are not attracted to guys therefore you are not gay.  What you don't want to do is try to overanalyze every situation you find yourself in.  Comparing ourselves to the same sex is very natural just try to nip any irrational thoughts in the bud.  Don't let them continue. When the "What if" starts, just say "STOP" in your head or something like "NO, I"M NOT GOING THERE AGAIN, NOW MOVE ON."  These are statements that fall under self-coaching.  It is a very powerful tool.  

Lastly, if you continue to have problems then seeing a psychologist will help you.  Try to find someone that teaches cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT).  Take a deep breath, I don't think you are gay.  If you were, you would know it and would simply accept it.  

Take care.