HOCD or denial...? :(

[melmel4ever]

I'm new to this site. Anyways for the past 2 months or a little bit more, something bad came to my mind. This is how it started, 2 months ago my dad had said something really mean to me, he said that a guys would never marry me because I'm a bad person, and that I would be alone probably forever. That really hurt my feelings and to be honest I already have very low self esteem. Anyways a couple of days had past since that happen, and something bad happened to me and my sister. My dad got mad at her and I and hit us really hard with the medal part of a belt. I can't tell you how bad it hurt! I started crying and to be honest I thought I was going to die you know that panic feeling you get? My dad has not hit me in a very long time like 5 years. It was scary. After all that I literally did not feel like myself the things that I enjoyed were really not that enjoyable anymore. I didn't know what to do I felt depressed. Then this gay/bi thoughts started to happen for the first time ever. It was SCARY, and not wanted. And here it is. I was reading something in a book it was a sex scene and all of a sudden I had a mental picture of both these characters having sex. I freaked out and started crying wondering "omg what happens if I'm bi or gay!!!"
The thoughts would not leave me alone they just kept popping up. It's 24/7 there is no stopping it unless I read other people that are struggling with the same thing as me.... but it usually comes back within 3 minutes. I have always like d guys my entire life, and always had fun having crushes on them.
It's bothering me because now it's affecting everything I do. I can't look at girls in fear that I might like them more in a sexual way. I'm scared. I can't concentrate on anything, specially when I'm at college, or at the mall, watching TV, reading girly magazines. I can't do it I'm so scared it's going to happen. My future.... I don't want to think about it anymore! I have always dreamed about getting married to a guy and having at least two kids. I even had names for them like Jenna and Liam LOL :) . But now these thoughts of becoming gay or bi scare me because I can't picture it happening. In my heart I know I like guys but my messed up mind is telling me I'm in denial. For the past two months I could not look at a single female, it did not matter what age, it got so bad that I can't even watch girl characters on cartoon shows in fear it will turn me on. Anyways yesterday I was so sick of these terrible unwanted thoughts that I felt the need to look at a female, to conquer this fear. I was anxious but I did it! I was so happy I couldn't believe I had done it, I wasn't sexually attracted to them. I only thought whatever female person I was looking at was pretty. And when I started doubting it and thinking what happens if it's "denial"... I just kept telling myself that your anxious and it's probably the anxiety that is making you doubt yourself, and then I was okay for the rest of the day. But again today the fears came back. I was reading on yahoo answers today that it's not okay to think another girl is pretty. I freaked out AGAIN! I just kept thinking omg my worst nightmare is coming true, holly crap how can someone say that, it wasn't like I was sexually attracted to pretty girls, I just admire their beauty because I want that kind of beauty. Now I'm questioning again, I don't know what to believe anymore. I don't feel like myself anymore since this happened. I cry everyday because of this.

I must mention though- I have experience things like this which last for months like about sickness like cancer, skitzofrania, bipolar. Possibly everything that you can think of I have thought about, which my therapist says it's not, and I truly believe her then I'm okay. Even though I know I don't have it. then another fear will start again, until a new one and then it's basically a vicious cycle. For example for 5 months straight I thought I had breast cancer because I kept focusing on the fact that I had pain in my breast. I asked my psychiatrist and she told me "no", and she told me it was my anxiety triggering the fear, and after that I was fine, and back to my life again.

Psychiatrist diagnosed me as having- Depression and anxiety.... not sure if there is something else though. I no longer can go to her because of insurance issues, which ***** cause she helped me :(

What do you guys think? I'm really scared that it will happen please help???

[melmel4ever]

Oh and I bought the book and read the section you told me to read and it helped very much!!!

[melmel4ever]

Hello,

I just wanted to let u know that I went yesterday to my therapist. She told me not to worry and that it was truly anxiety. She prescribed me medicine specifically for OCD.  I only took it once today... but I feel SO good. The thoughts seem to be much less, and a lot easier to get shut down them when they do pop up. But anyways I just wanted to thank you so much for the help!!

[melmel4ever]

Okay I just read your forum, and it's quite interesting. I was going to get the book that you suggested but wasn't sure if this is the one your talking about?

Here is what I found:

http://www.amazon.com/The-OCD-Workbook-Breaking-Obsessive-Compulsive/dp/1572249218/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1364592488&sr=8-1&keywords=OCD+Workbook%3A++Your+Guide+to+Breaking+Free+of+OCD+By+Bruce+Hyman

[melmel4ever]

Thanks again, yes I will defiantly let you know how things work out with my psychiatrist.  And I will be reading your post today!
You don't know how much this has helped me and I hope I can get back to myself again soon cause 2 months of this horrible thing ruins my life, literally.

Yes, I know my father has a very bad temper and his father used to hit him all the time. So maybe that's a pattern, but I will be talking to my psychiatrist about the hitting situation though, cause it does put a lot stress on me.

Good point that you have made there, growing up I always thought my father had somewhat of an issue of OCD... but I wasn't sure. THANKS AGAIN!!

[JGF25]

Believe it or not everyone has these types of "what-if" thoughts but the key is to be able to let them go.  People with OCD have a chemical imbalance in their brains and this is part of the reason we cannot just let it go.  if you learn CBT from your psychologist, then you will have some tools to help yourself when the need arises.  There is medication however that can be taken to help you as well.  I myself take medication and I practice CBT.  Meds help but don't make everything go away so that is why CBT is crucial.  I'm glad you made the appointment.  Look those women in the eye and if the thought starts to pop up then self-coach yourself..."I am not going there anymore, ENOUGH!)  What you don't want to do is get into avoidance behavior patterns.  

If you haven't seen my post about "The Anatomy of a Horrific Thought" then look for it on the forum.  It comes straight from The OCD Workbook and I think it will be helpful to you because it explains the process our brains are going through.  Also, I do recommend the book so if you can pick it up that would be wonderful.  

Take care and let me know how your appointment goes!  

Also, you are 20, why the heck is your dad hitting you?  OCD flares up during times of stress so I think you should make a point to discuss this with your psychologist as well.  Also OCD doesn't fall from the tree and perhaps he is suffering from it as well but then again I'm only guessing here.  

[melmel4ever]

If you don't think that I'm gay/bi... Do you know why anxiety or if HOCD does this to people? Do you think it's a way for the anxiety to leave your mind cause it's all trapped in there and it needs a way out? For example, by this it creates a unwanted thought------(negative thought) becomes bigger then needed------the mind thinking it's true (anxiety speaking)-----causing more anxiety. Then the (unwanted thought) I guess it repeats itself, until somehow the person realizes it's not true so the vicious cycle ends? Hopefully what I'm saying makes sense, if it doesn't let me know.
Sorry if I'm bothering, I guess I need to know things to understand them better.

[melmel4ever]

OMG thank you so much! That makes me feel a lot better. I'm 20 years old and, idk why I do the things I do though lol. I'm still afraid haha, but today I set up an appoitment with my psychiatrist for next tuesday. Do you think if I print this post out and showed her would she try and tell me I am bi/gay or to explore my options? I'm really nervous about that.

I told my grandma about what has been happening to me, and she said the exact same thing like you said! I then asked her how you would know if your bi/gay? And she said that you would be sexually attracted to them. I felt good... but then I got anxious again thinking to myself, "omg, now that I know what the difference is between being straight and gay or bi what if my mind tells me I'm sexually attracted to them now cause I know the difference!!!!
Now once again I've gone back to my old ways of not looking at women because now my mind knows what the difference between being straight and gay/bi. In my heart I believe that it's the anxiety speaking making these thoughts seem real, but now I'm not sure. I'm really scared that it's happening to me and to be honest I don't like the idea of that. I really wish I could go back to my old life. What do you think of this?

THANKS FOR ALL THE HELP IN MEANS A LOT SERIOUSLY!!!

[JGF25]

Hi there...these are my observations.  First of all, you are not gay.  If being with a another woman sexually is not a turn on for you, then you simply are not gay and that is the end of it.  How old are you by the way?

You said the following:

"Anyways yesterday I was so sick of these terrible unwanted thoughts that I felt the need to look at a female, to conquer this fear. I was anxious but I did it! I was so happy I couldn't believe I had done it, I wasn't sexually attracted to them. I only thought whatever female person I was looking at was pretty. And when I started doubting it and thinking what happens if it's "denial"... I just kept telling myself that your anxious and it's probably the anxiety that is making you doubt yourself, and then I was okay for the rest of the day."

You were doing EVERYTHING RIGHT when you did the above.  You should be proud of yourself.  It isn't easy but you did all the right things and you felt better.  And that crap about not looking at girls to see if they are pretty...please, I look at women my age all the time just to compare myself to them.  Hell I want to look as good ast the next 48 year old...doesn't make me gay.  The thing about the internet is that it has every answer from A to Z and what you are going to key in on is the one thing you are afraid of and miss all the stuff that says "it's normal."  

As far as your dad goes, well I'm sure he is causing you some anxiety and probably has been for a while.  I don't condone striking kids period but a belt is excessive.  I will say though that I got the belt as a kid, that was how it was done...sort of "old school style"  and maybe your dad comes from that background and carried it into his adulthood...still doesn't make it right in my book however but I'm not your parent so what I say really doesn't matter.  Stay out of his way.  You know I'm sure by now what pushes his buttons so make sure you don't go there.  

let me know if you need anything else.