HOCD or denial...

[Doubts123]

I'm new to all of this but I forums like this have been one of the places where I have been trying to find comfort that I'm not gay.. I'm 15 years old and have been unsure about my sexuality for about 2 months now. I'll try and keep it as short as I can but this is how it started.

For a couple of years I had watched porn, and the negative affects of it only hit me about 5-6 months ago... I didn't feel as attracted to some of the girls I used (mostly 6th form as I go to an all boys school unfortunately),then on Christmas Day of last year we had some people over. When they were around I had a thought , "do I find my friend hot?" And this is where it really started. I suffered from horrid butterflies in my stomach, which worried me more because they are what I got around girls, but they were more like the ones you get when your really nervous. I kept on asking myself if I was gay and things like that. I had these constantly for about a week until my parents noticed my low attitude and asked my what was up. I told them about the thoughts and they said everyone has these thoughts when they were a teenager and they will soon pass. The butterflies did stop so that says to me it was anxiety.

But the thing is the thoughts have got worse... From reading other people's posts many seem to have quite graphic images but mine aren't awful. But the feelings I get are the worst. When I see an 'attractive male' I usually get a hot feeling in my stomach which almost always leads to the same anxiety butterflies ( hope it's anxiety) and then I'll try and think of something better. I have never got an erection to any of these thoughts but I usually do have a groinal response.

But for me this is probably the worst part... I feel like I've lost a lot of the attraction I used to have towards the opposite sex, especially when I'm feeling low. I'm now starting to doubt if I was really attracted to women and if I was really aroused by my ex.

Sorry for the long post, but also when I'm at school the anxiety is better because when I'm around my friends and I 'check' I notice I'm not erect or anything like that. But especially when I'm at home by myself things start to get bad..

Again sorry for the long post,I really need to help, can anyone get back to me ASAP

Cheers

[Danineedshelp124]

Also forgot to mention but I get scared when I think I'm attracted to other women when I know I'm not

[Danineedshelp124]

I'm really scared because this HOCD Is driving me nuts, it all started off 2 months ago when I was on Instagram looking at a picture of this girl and my mind was like if your gay you can never change! Your gay! And things like that I quickly got up washed my face and went back to bed thinking it was a nightmare, the next day my mind was like what if you are gay?
Maybe you are gay? And soon if made me stare at the pretty girls in my school and be like what if you are attracted to her? And I will get so scared I would just wanna run home and lock myself in a room and cry, I told my parents right away because I was so scared and they quickly brought me to the docter and the docter told me to go to the threapy, and I guess I got a little bit of help but I'm still scared, I swear to god I. Don't want to be gay, PLEASE HELP ME,also forgot to mention when I was young my cousin got me into watching lesbian porn and I got addicted, never masterbated but turned me on I was never attracted to the girls in the videos, I usually masterbate when I think of very very hot guys and I only have guy crush

[JGF25]

No way is the counselor going to say that.  

[Doubts123]

That is just what I needed, thanks!

I have never found things that I have pictured in my head appealing and don't get any obvious signs of being aroused. I'm am quite an accepting person (if you know what I mean) so if I was to be gay I probably would have accepted it right now. I definitely agree about becoming so depressed and not having any fight with us. I felt bad this morning when I went to school and did get those fake attraction thoughts and feelings which I have read is to do with the OCD, but as the day went on these seemed to almost disappear! :)

I handed in a slip to see the counsellor today, but I am slightly anxious she is just going to saying I'm gay and not accepting it...

Cheers again!

[JGF25]

Let me ask you this...can you imagine yourself sexually being with a man?  Close your eyes and picture the scenario, is it you?  Because honestly people who are gay know it and accept it.  I don't think a day went by that they really felt attraction to the opposite sex.  Somebody posted somewhere on this forum...I can't remember who...but they read something online that a gay person wrote and he basically said.....straight but afraid you will turn gay....straight.  Gay but think you will turn straight...gay.  It does work both was incidentally.  The fear doesn't discriminate but rather affects everybody, straight or gay.  

Talk to your parents and get in to see a child psychologist.  They can evaluate you, diagnose you, and together you can come up with a treatment plan.  I don't think you are gay from what you have written.  Remember, just because you say it is so, doesn't mean it is.  Sometimes we become so depressed that we don't have any fight left in us and that can lead us to believe the fictions we have created in our heads.  And remember the mind is a powerful thing....it plagues an OCD sufferer like nothing else and contradicts everything we know to be true because that is what this disorder does.  

[Doubts123]

I've been trying not to fight this but this issue is is tough to ignore and especially say whatever to

[Doubts123]

I sorry if I'm bugging you but I need to know....

Recently (over a day or two) when I watch tv, for example, and I see a man sometimes feel like I like him... The thing is I don't get the anxiety very intensely anymore so this reinforces the fact that I could be gay... But I don't get any signs of actual arousal which you usually get just a small amount of anxiety

Thanks again

[JGF25]

You have untreated HOCD and therefore any situation that involves guys is going to make it worse.  That is why you need to learn how to help yourself.  Do this okay...there is a book called The OCD Workbook:  Your Guide to Breaking Free of OCD.  It can be ordered from amazon.  Actually you can get a look inside the book on Amazon.  There is a section on HOCD.  This book has worksheets and helps you with self-directed CBT and that is what I think you need right now.  Yes talking helps, but you have to be proactive and learn ways to help yourself.  

[Doubts123]

Thanks for the feedback,

I'm at the lowest I have ever been, I really do think I could be gay now :(

I went to my mates house yesterday (hadn't seen him for a bit because its half term) for some reason I felt hesitant and nervous going to meet my mates in case I got aroused by them. I felt fine when I got there but I noticed that I got these thoughts and feelings (anxiety I hope) whenever I made eye-to-eye contact, but this just set off the shaking heading thing I did.

Is it possible for certain people to make this worse, like the feelings I get are worse around certain people, which just makes me think I'm gay..

Thanks again  

[JGF25]

OCD is a cruel beast to be sure.  HOCD is just the tip of the iceberg for me.  If it is absurd, stupid and irrational I'm sure I have already thought of it and obsessed over it.  

I think a counselor is a good place to start.  I'm sure they are familiar with this type of thinking.  When you say to yourself "I'm not gay" you are doing something called self-coaching.  Self-coaching can be a good tool to have.  What you want to do though is say "I'm not gay, enough, move on" and then busy youself with something else.  You don't want to sit there and repeat the same thing over and over again because then you really are not believing it.  

If you said out loud "I'm gay" do you think you would then start to like guys?  Would anything change?  I think not because you are not gay.  Just because you say it doesn't make it so.  This is how you take the fear away.  You don't give these thoughts any credit and they will go away.  

Try this breathing technique when you are anxious.

Take a deep breath in through your nose, hold it for five seconds and count this out in your head, then let it all out through your mouth.  YOu can try it laying down at first with your hands on your stomach so you can feel the rise and fall of it with each breath.  This is a calming technique and when you are calm you can think more rationally.  You can do this breathing in any situation and nobody will even know you are doing it.  Give it a try and see if it helps you some.  

[Doubts123]

Thank you for a quick reply!

Sometimes I feel though my mind is saying you are attracted to the same sex, but this leads to the anxiety. I also find myself doing things like shaking my head to the thoughts or the feelings I get and sometimes end up repeating, "I'm not gay" to myself over and over. Are these common for someone with OCD to have?

Also, I have been thinking about talking to the councillor at school to see if they can help. Is this a good idea or should I just go to a professional?

I have been feeling very down especially recently, and I've started to even question my love for women which occurred (I hope) in the past, is OCD really this cruel?!

Again thanks for the quick response, people like you really do help!

[JGF25]

Hi there...as you can see HOCD is very, very common.  In my mind we are either born gay or we are not and if we are not attracted to the same sex, then therefore we cannot be gay.  

For people that are predisposed to OCD, it only takes one absurd thought to start us on the nightmare super highway.  So what I suggest is that you talk to your parents again about seeing a child psychologist.  Sometimes we need that extra help from outside in order to get us past the thoughts.  Look for somebody that teaches cognitive behavioral therapy.

Lastly, unchecked OCD leads to anxiety and then depression because honestly who wants to walk around fighting these thoughts 24/7.  So there could be depression going on and that is going to affect how you respond sexually as well.  

Don't watch porn anymore because if you are doing it to test yourself, then you are giving into the thoughts and then they are going to stay around.  Try not to do any "testing" of any type.  What you really need to say to yourself is "whatever" because when you take the fear away, the thought goes away.  

Take care and let us know how you are doing.