HOCD or gay?

[Shane613]

Well, this question has been asked alot, but ill ask it again, because some have said that every Hocd/ocd story is different mine is quite different. I will get to my HOCD/denial but I want to give you all the back story first.

Well for starters, im 23 still a virgin, have had feliatios(sp?) by 2 different girls(by some peoples defintions im not a virgin, but in mine i am). i have been having intrusive homosexual thoughs recently and cannot get them to stop. when i was i think about 15 or so i was at a friends house and we were in his room and we were playing a video game, he happend to say "whoever loses the other one has to give the winner a *******" i said no, becuase that was homosexual and didnt want to do it (he was serious, it wasnt one of those male homophobic moments). Later on in the night he said "well, why not just jerk each other off, itl'll be fun" again i said no, but he kind of cornered me and i relented. he touched my penis for about 10 seconds then i pused him away again saying it was homosexual. (this is the only homosexual experience i have ever had), then next day i thought nothing of it, and so on for about 8 years afterward ( he and i are no longer friends, though it is due more to his use of drugs than this.) I cannot get this image out my head, i feel as though this made me think I am gay, even though i went on to like girls, never been attracted to a guy ever, even have gay male co workers that im ok around.

My first run in with an intrusive thought was about 3 years ago, I met this girl through the internet( more specifically World of warcraft, yea im a big nerd) and i went up to her house one day and we hung out, played around a bit and I had a passing thought about her father “Hes a tall handsome guy” well, when we started to play around the image of her father kept popping into my head I was able to shrug it off at the the time with a WTH and move on. We never dated, but I like the girl alot, I mean alot. So much so that I “Felt” like we were dating but we never were ( I would call her all the time, ask her to do things together everyday) but in the end she has this hang up about short guys (im 5’6” , she was 5’8”) . This made me infurious and I dont want to talk to her anymore. Yet she still calls every once in a while “I miss my shaney” etc (shes married now). This hurt a great deal, so much so is that I felt like every girl is going to do the same thing (im not very confident, never have been. I have been working at a movie theatre for about 3 years, and about 6 months back we hired a cute 17 year old girl who had a crush on me. Due to company policy I told her we could not date (she would turn 18 a month after we hired her). Then she starts to talk to another manager who was a woman. The employee we hired turns out to be a lesbian/ bi and the two girls are now engaged to get married (woot canada wedding). I went to the beach a few weeks ago with my family, extended family and had some fun. This is where the intrusive thoughts got unbearable we would play volleyball and all the guys would have their shirts off and I couldnt stand to be around them with out getting a homosexual thought, I even had a sexual thought about MY OWN BROTHER ( WHAT THE ****?!). I should also mention that there was a friend of the extended family that they brought with them to the beach that was an openly gay man(Very flamboyant, carried a clutch purse wore womens underwear) In order to get through the volleyball games I made sure a few girls played just so I felt comfortable and wasnt with all guys. I Have all girl friends (not romatic partners, friends). Last close guy friend I had was the guy that tried to jerk me off. thus I stayed inside for much of the trip. Let me tell you that ive never had a girlfriend except for in the 7th grade (she was one of the girls who would end up giving me my first sexual experience of any kind, ironically not untill years later when I was 21). I fell that these events have lead me to believe I am in gay denial or I have HOCD. questions I have about all of the events though.

- My last close guy friend had a homosexual experience with me, so I now have only Girl-friends out of fear that Gay things will happen with men around?, (I.E the intrusive thoughts at the volleyball games).

this is a double edged sword in my thinking Typically, well, more of a steorotype actually that gay men have all girl friends, the gay guy I work with does not have any girl friends. but this leads me to believe I am gay, I cannot have an interaction with another male, without having homosexual thoughts now, so I surround myself with girls,so as to avoid gay interations/thoughts .

Could I be surrounding myself with girls becuase I have a subliminal fear that I will loose access to the opposite sex?, instead of having a sexual identity crisis, I hope so. it also helps to say that most of my girl-friends have been romatic iterests of mine but they never pan out, they become friends.

There are different types of gays according to my gay co-worker, they one I encountered at the beach was apparently called a “Queen” in the gay community. maybe im a socially inept Nerd gay?


But....Somtimes the intrusive thoughts are sensual (by that I mean, sometimes its not just anal sex, its me kissing a man) still dont like the thoughts but sometimes I wonder if because its not completely repulsive Im gay? I like kissing, just not kissing men, maybe Im misunderstanding the term intrusive thought, as it has to be sexual in nature? or can it be sensual (kissing cuddling etc) and still be repulsive, because it is. Sometimes I cant see myself with a woman down the road or a man, I cant picture it at all

Like today at the grocery store, guy in long blonde hair turned the corner into the isle I was in ( I have long red hair). he seemed like a Metalhead ( I am one as well). right as he turned I got an instant spike thought and said “Hes attractive” and right as I was thinking that he said “Nice hair” I said “thanks” very quietly and quickly got out of the isle. I kept thinking he probably thinks im gay. and I had an intrusive thought about him, (not anal sex, kissing).

Does this mean im gay? I bumped into him 3 or 4 times in different isles each time thinking “OH god, I have to run out of the store NOW!” but the thought wasnt anal sex, it was about him kissing me.
I read somewhere that when your in denial you go though the intial phase where you hate everything and you just picure just having sex. then the thoughts become sensual and you start to like it?

But I had a flash thought, and went “Well maybe id kiss him” then when ‘OH GOD NO!” So the cycle of doubt and anxiety continues.

Im even questioning my love of Metal as gay? its all dudes and no chicks (well the ratio is pretty high guy to girl wise) a few Metalband members have been gay. to name two that I know of are Rob halford (Sp?) of Judas priest and one of the former members of Gorgoroth and freddy mercury (not metal, but I am a fan of queen) then I started thinking does making me a fan of someones music mean im gay, so I cant listen to it? theres a steorotype that gays like techno, I like some techno, I now I cant listen to it without getting a homosexual thought.

Though every guy between now and the beach seems to have qualities that I admire or qualities I wish I had (Tall, confident , muscular) maybe this is why I have these thoughts, and it really means  I just want to be tall confidnet and muscular really really badly?

I cannot get a consious erection when looking a gay porn or thinking of another guy though I have had dreams about guys. non sexual in nature and I wake up with an semi erection. ive done this the past 5 nights now.

I want nothing more than to finish growing up and be married to a woman.

I have not gone to see a therapist yet, I am in the process of doing so.

-Am I in denial or do I have HOCD?

[Shane613]

i couldn't post all i wanted to say in one post, there are other theories that i may just have an obession with sex? or that the intrusive homosexual thoughts are manifesting themselves because i put an high importance on relationships. referring to the part about the girl i met over the internet and the newly outed lesbian at work, maybe im having these thoughts because i keep getting rejected and want to be loved/in love with a woman so much my mind is turning on itself?

any help would be appreciated and give me relief for awhile.

[MindPieces]

Unfortunately it's impossible for me to figure out whether or not you're gay, as only you can come to that conclusion. However, I can assure you that having occasional sexual thoughts about other men does not necessarily make you gay. Everyone has those thoughts, whether they admit to it or not.

The problem I think you DO have is a severe case of homophobia. You obviously have numerous misconceptions about what it means to be gay, and also seem to think that homosexuality is somehow wrong, dirty, or an incurable disease of some sort. I would advice you to look inside yourself, and at your upbringing, and try to figure out why you have such a problem with homosexuality.

My advice? Make a gay friend. Whether it's one of your co-workers, someone on WoW, or just someone online (I'll volunteer), I think getting to know a gay guy would seriously help you. You need someone to talk to who will help rid you of your irrational fear of homosexuality, and maybe once that's gone you'll be able to look inside yourself and honestly evaluate whether you're gay, straight, bi, or just a little curious.