HOCD or repressed homosexuality

A few years ago after a huge panic attack I was hit with obsessive homosexual thoughts that pretty much shut my whole life down. I have always felt that I was heterosexual. When I was younger, a friend of the same sex would touch me and do weird sexual things to me while sleeping and I didnt know what to think. I stopped talking to him.. later on when the obsessions hit, i went to a specialist for this specific thing. I got help went on meds and finally.. My life returned to normal. I was with a girl for 5 years and we recently broke up.. When she left I was crushed.. and even tho we broke up we would have sex every so often.. For 2 years I was obsession free.. Within the last 4 months it has come back so horribly.. What scares me is I can get an erection while watch gay porn or thinking of it.. HOWEVER.. its not the same type of feeling I would get when I was with my girl.. Its full anxiety and panic.. I can even force myself to have an orgasm.. but in the same sense, its not pleasant.. It freaks me out and leaves me depressed and so confused.. Im scared that maybe I have been in denial all this time.. but I still feel in my heart that Im straight. I have never had a crush on a guy. I have NO desire to be with one.. so its an endless battle in my mind and it drives me crazy.. Im to the point where If i was gay then I would just want to be happy and be gay.. but I cant because theres something that tells me its just not me.. I loved being with a girl.. I have always had girl crushes.. even when it first hit me real bad.. I was getting into heterosexual trouble because I was cheating on my girl with another girl. I dont understand.. Could this be HOCD?? Or am I gay?? I have been off the meds for a while.. I really dont know what else to do..

[love_pink1]

please dont worry. you are not gay. im a girl, and i have suffered from almost the same EXACT thing for about five years.  its never been as bad as it is now.  i also can force myself to have an orgasm while thinking about a girl, and this scares the **** out of me.  i know exactly what you mean...its not the same.  its like, your body likes it, but afterwards you feel horrible and grossed out and just like you want to die.  believe me, i know.  its awful.  we are not gay.  its the ocd.  it will do whatever it can to convince us of our worse fear.  its TERRIBLE. but dont give into it.  just know that it is all in your head, and i am currently going through it too. it *****, and there's no way to make yourself feel better about it for more than like one day.  but we have to be strong and know that it is not real.  i dont really have any other advise because i am struggling just as you are, but just know that you are not alone.

[Notsoalone]

I have never heard of HOCD up until about an hour ago. And after a last desperate search on the net to find the same answers to the same questions you have I feel for the very first time in my life that I'm not alone. I am still in complete shock that there is even one person out there who feels the exact same way I do let alone a forum.
I've had the same fears for my sexuality, constant nagging worries that affected (infected) every single part of my life. From work colleagues to old girlfriends the fear has always been that people ASSUME I'm gay and that I'm trying to find a way to come out. The OCD has limited how I speak to people or descibe things. Avoiding social situations just in case the subject of sexuality comes up or worse still being in the closet.
I have had gay sexual experiences as an adult but both times felt like I was trying to prove to myself that I was,and never feeling anything other than s**t for weeks and months afterwards. I love everything about women and always have, so to find out tonight that I haven't been in the closet is amazing. Thank you all for turning on the light on this for me and I wish you the best for your own journey ahead

[ocdisnotcool]

Have you learned ways to maintain these thoughts?  I have similar thoughts. I have always had OCD, but I am not sure if I am actually being turned on by the same sex or if it is OCD.  It makes me sick to my stomach and depressed.  I have plenty of homosexual friends and do not have anything against it.  However, I really hate these thoughts.  I am not sure what to do.  It is all consuming.

[hagalovi]

guys check out this site please
http://www.ocdonline.com/
i repeat
http://www.ocdonline.com/
it is a source of information and treatment.

[thunderthighs513]

You are not gay OCD tends to take your worst fears and tries to convince you that you are that, but please do not go out and have gay sexual relations bc that can be dangerous that is called a compulsion. You are compulsed to prove you are not gay, bc somehow u figure that will take ur obsession away. U figure if u have relations with the same sex then u will prove to yourself u are not gay this is not the answer. What helps me, bc i suffer from hocd i remind myself that this is OCD and i am not gay this disorder is really strong if you play its game remind urself that its the disorder and not u.

[realorimagination]

I have almost exactly the same situation.  When I was 18 I had something of an anxiety attack and after that I couldn't stop obsessing about being gay.  Prior to that I had never had a homosexual thought and was aroused by thoughts of women and sex with women.

Since then this obsession has gotten worse.  I'm seeing a gay therapist who doesn't seem to think that I'm gay, but I cannot stop the thoughts.  It's panic and anxiety, 24/7.  I would be happy to "come out of the closet" and be gay, if only these thoughts would stop.  But I can't bring myself to do it.  Yet that only makes me believe I am really deeply repressed/homophobic.  It's a vicious cycle with no end in sight.

I'd really be interested to talk more and learn how you've been managing this problem.  Feel free to contact me directly.

[discretelyposting]

WOW... Reading this message board has been eye opening for me. I too suffer from the same stptoms and behaviors that have been described. I have felt this way for years, however is seams to come and go in cycles. I too, have had sexual encounters with people of the same sex to try to test out my possible "gayness" and literally, whiloe in the act, I am immediately turned off.. In fact, the few times I have tried it, it has lasted about 4-5 minutes before I excuse myself.
  The constant bombardment of "am I gay" thoughts is a 24/7 job. I have even thought to myself, assume for a minute you are.. my good friends would except me, my parents would still love me, but I dont want to because I feel deep down that I could never be happy like that. I can say thatr I have been in love with a woman before, have never had ANY intimate experience with another man (the times I tried it were straight up just sexual) never had a crush on another man, but these thoughts wont go away. I display other signs of OCD outside of HOCD, but have never been diagnosed.
  What kills me is thart I am an educated person... undergraduate and mater's degree, but I can figure my way out of this one. I constantly play out homosexual situations in my head to see if I am turned on... it's almost like I am trying to talk myself into being that way, even though I feel to my core I am not.
  It is DEBILITATING, exausting, and depressing.
  I get so anxious about it, that I display anxious behaviors aro0und my friends when they talk about homosexuality... so now some of my good friends think I might be gay. But is not that I am gay, its that I cant stop worrying about being gay.
  This board has been very enlightening. I can say it's a cureall, but at least, as of now, I feel a little better about my situation.
  I could go on and on and on about this because it consumes my life, and I have spent YEARS dwelling on the subject (I am 26 now and I have been having these obtussive thoughts since high school).
Feel free to strike up a dialog with me via email. I think the best way to get through this is with the support of others, but I don't want to share this with anybody in my life. God bless everybody dealing with anything remotely like this..

[anonomoushocd]

I first experienced HODC 16 years ago when I was 26. I would like to offer some perspective on this subject. First of all, I think that some of us have paid way too much attention to television shows and movies where characters seem to all of a sudden 'turn gay' due to some factor in their lives. Hollywood doesn't mean to cause or exacerbate the worries of people with HOCD, they just need material and the idea of someone turning gay has become a popular offering as a plot twist or comic relief. As in the case of someone who finds out their ex-lover turned gay after being with them. Generally this does not occur in real life. Most of us know quite certainly at a young age to which sex we are attracted. This IS the true answer to your question about your own sexuality. If you were attracted to the opposite sex at that time, you are straight. You no easier turn gay from being straight than you can turn black if you are white. Unfortunately we cannot visually confirm our sexual identity by looking in the mirror. It is based on a feeling, and many of us have trouble trusting our feelings. Also, some of us are not the strongest examples of what society expects from a person of our gender (guys that don't like cars & sports, and women who aren't into cooking & fashion). In some cases a few of us have indulged in curiosity based same sex fantasies and even experiences. These factors plus examples of fictional characters spontaneously turning gay can send OCD susceptible people into a panic wondering if their natural tendencies and curiosities are indicators that they are actually latent homosexuals or turning gay like somebody they saw on TV. Try to remember, your sexuality is like the place you are from. It is your home. You may enjoy dreaming of visiting other places. You may adopt customs from another place. You may visit somewhere else and even move there for a while. You may settle down and ultimately feel more comfortable somewhere else. You may move between your home and somewhere else on a regular basis. But home will always be home. It cannot be changed. Also, OCD is something most people have experienced in one way or another since a young age. In other words, most of us have already had serious bouts with obsessions and compulsions and are well aware of this tendency within ourselves. Unfortunately, like our true sexuality the factors which cause OCD in general do not change and are permanently part of our personal make up. This is due to the physical nature of OCD as a chemical imbalance. I know for a fact that SSRIs can work like a charm (drops the most miserable, desperate, debilitating, suicidal thought inspiring OCDs in their tracks). As many of us have experienced OCD eventually becomes a clinical depression. Think of it like this: the obsession is like an itch that won't stop, the compulsion is to constantly scratch the itch, the depression is the infection that develops from scratching the itch till it breaks the skin, the SSRI is the antihistamine/antibiotic that both soothes the itch and heals the infection.

PS - Believe! - logic and medicine will make it better no matter how hopeless it may seem. Don't give up, but don't wait too long to act. Depression is serious business. Even though you may not have the energy to get out of bed. After reading this look up a doctor in your area to treat you. There's no excuse, even if you have no money, most area's have plans to help you. Make the call. I guarantee it will be worth it. Good luck!

[wishmyocdwouldodonme]

I wish my ocd would OD on me. :)

[wishmyocdwouldodonme]

Does any of you guys have gfs? I am seeing a guirl but am afraid to commit cos feelings of shame and guilt and what if she dumps me. She's so beautiful, sweet, nice and intelligent. but also very self confident and i have a low self esteem due to bipolar disorder and (h)ocd. I am 33 and she's 23 but very mature and i look very young. Please reply. I need to talk to somebody. Thanks

[JGF25]

Are you taking any medication for the bipolar and OCD disorders?  

[wishmyocdwouldodonme]

i am on depakine, lamictal and seroxat. I feel fine most o the times, but when i get close to someone the ocd kicks in and i just freeze. I used to be very messed up, haunted by intrusive thoughts day in day out for years, but the seroxat really helps. What about you? Are u on meds? Tell me your story if you want of course

[JGF25]

You can look up the condensed version of my life with OCD on my home page "About me".  When my OCD is left unchecked it leads to extreme anxiety and of course then on to depression because really who wants to live that way.  I take Wellbutrin 300 XL and I take 1 mg klonopin at night to sleep.  This combination works well for me even though Wellbutrin is not an SSRI which is typically used to treat OCD.