Hi, I am a 16 year old girl and I am think that I could be suffering from HOCD but I am afraid that maybe I am just in denial about my sexuality. I have loved boys all my life and I still picture my life in the future with a man whom I would get married to and have kids with. However for the past couple month I have had these non-stop thoughts like "what if I am a lesbian?" and it is driving me nuts. I can't focus in school because I feel like I have to answer this question. And then I will make up these senarios in my head and every time I try to picture my self with a girl I feel disgusted and wrong and these pictures in my head really upset me and make me angry and mad! I feel so angry that I can;t make these thoughts go away that I want to break things!! I am seeing a therapist and I already know I have normal OCD as well as depression but do you think that this could be coming from that or could I really be in denial of my sexuality. Sometimes I feel like I get panicked because I feel like I am not attracted to boys anymore and whenever I see a pretty girl my brain asks me "Do you find her attractive?" and stuff like that I feel soooooo angry and upset again that it makes me scared and sad and confused. What do you think?
Honestly, this irrational thought is one of the more common ones that people with OCD suffer. Our minds really know how to hit us hard and it is usually with the things that go against everything we believe in ourselves from harming people we love, to harming people in general, to questioning our sexuality. It never ceases to amaze me that our minds can make up the most ridiculous things. So in my non-medical opinion you have HOCD. Keep up with the therapy. Remember this is just one thought among many I'm sure you have had. The only difference is this one seems to be sticking around. But like any other thought, it will go away once you find a way to get the closure you are looking for and the therapist will help you get there. What you have to remember though is to learn the techniques to get rid of these thoughts because as an OCD sufferer, there may be more of them down the road for you AND sometimes the old ones come back....don't ask me why but they do sometimes. Then you can adopt the "Been there done that" technique. Let me know if you have any other questions and I know the therapy will help you tremendously. Also, I know you are young, but there is also the medication route but I believe that is something that should only be used after CBT has been learned. Take care.
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