HOCD

I can't get the idea out of my head that I'm homosexual. it all started when i watching tv this guy said he was gay and he tried everything to stop being gay. when that guy said that i started to wonder if i was gay. everyday i have same thoughts like am gay. but the thing is am not attracted to men. my penis does not get erected from men only women. i love women i can't see myself with a man. the other thing is i've been watching porn ever since i lost my virginity 3 years ago.i am 20 now i also think this is the reason why i am having these thoughts am watching straight porn and masturbating am getting excited off the girl not the guy i don't even notice the guy. every time i don't watch porn and masturbate i don't have these thoughts but when i watch porn i have the thoughts. i don't know what to do i feel like to end my life. i need some answers i want to live my life and be with a women please help me

[Frankenstein4496]

Hi Fredlewis226,

No, you are not gay.  I am 32 years old and I have been struggling on and off with this since I was 18 years old.  It pops up for me if I break up with someone or if I am overly stressed.  Otherwise I'm copesthetic.  

I just recently found out that this is a form of OCD.  Talk to a therapist that specializes in OCD.  I've had obsessive thoughts about a plethora of things since I was little.  The Gay OCD scares me the most so that's what repeats over and over the most.

My therapist said it's like this:   OCD comes in and says, Okay what does so and so care about the most... Hmm and how can I F*** it up royally??

Please go see an OCD therapist you will feel %10000000 better.

[WhyDoeshocdexsist]

Hey Frankenstien4496, Im suffering From what i beleive is HOCD, i stress out about being gay, and its making me wonder "am i just afraid to come out" But the thought of being gay makes me feel bad, Like it shouldnt be happening to me, cause i know i my heart im not, A few days ago i was head over heals in love with a girl, and then these thoughts came up, and i kept checking and trying to see if i am gay, i keep testing myself, so i came upon the OCD and i realize that i have it, But it takes over so much that every movement i take is a "gay" movement, and i really want it to go away so i can go back to this girl i love,

[willib]

it is so amazing to read all of this!!!! I am in exactly the same boat!!! I am 22 and have had this is the second time i have had this. for me it comes a while after i break up with a girlfriend. its the most awful thing in the world! i havnt thought of suicide but i have thought at times that if this car crashed it wouldnt be the worst thing cos i wouldnt have to have these thoughts anymore! I find I get my own voice in my head saying "your gay" and "dont look them in the eye cos they will know." its made me loose all my confidence. I have always known in my heart that im not gay but because of these thoughts I have been trying to make myself accept that I am gay and that I was just having huge dificulties coming out! just reading that this is a problem for lots of people and that it is just a phase that will pass and that i am not gay has removed the knot from my stomach and the weight off my shoulders!!! THANKS EVERYONE!!!!!

[Adhee02]

me i knew it was hocd.. but recently i feel so lost i dont really know if it is hocd or denial. when i check with gay porn i feel terrible. but lately i cannot be aroused by girls. the worse thing is i have sort of a weight on my chest that wont go away. almost everything i do is interrupted by the thoughts that im gay. im tired most of the time too

[nola21]

Hey Fred,

I'm 25 and this HOCD  happened when I was 22 sitting in a classroom in college and all of a sudden my mind said "he's cute" about some old balding professor who I think even if I was gay I don't think i'd be attracted too lol...and I was freaked out because I'd never had a thought like that. I actually had a panic attack and had to leave the class, but after that I couldn't get the thought out of my head.  I always was and still am extremely attracted to females, I've had girlfriends, fantasized about women, and i really prided myself on how I could talk to them. I think you can go back in your history and think about every aspect of your life and it won't get you anywhere, you have to understand that your life prior to OCD was very clear and  great.  A   thought about some b.s is not going to change your sexuality, it can't.

The real problem of OCD especially HOCD is that it gets you when you are vulnerable. If you are having a bad day, if you broke up with your gf, if you are depressed it's easy for OCD thoughts to come in and mess with your head. My recommendation is to not wait when these thoughts happen immediately seek a OCD specialist it will help you so much. Your are still going to have spikes every once and a while but with a good therapist you'll be able to control it. I waited 6 months after that event happened to go to a therapist, and those 6 months wore the worst of my life. I didn't know what was going on I kept researching if you could "turn gay overnight". I mean the stuff going through my head was ridiculous. And your lack of sexual desire is because it bothers you that you are thinking about gayness so much, it's such a *****.

My experience now has been much better from those first 6 months. I've gone months without ever having a spike. I'm on this forum again because I had a spike but it's more because I was depressed. Anyway I can get over it now in a couple of days opposed to feeling like crap for weeks or months.

[gobosox91]

Wow, I can't help but feel relieved when I read this. I have had something like this in my head since last Christmas. Actually, it started a while before that. I had a 'friend' who told me that because of my Catholic education and beliefs about sex being intimate and important and because of the fact that I was into art, I was gay, and he said everybody thought i was. Then one kid from my high school leaves the school and comes out as a CREEPY gay begins to post groups of kids coming out on facebook and one happens to look normal, compared to the transvestites I saw non stop at school and i thought about what it was like to come out, getting into character as a writer. I said it with reference to some odd moments in my past and some in my early childhood, mainly when i was unaware of what sex was. But i said it so convincingly with that that I actually believed it and I began to feel sexual attraction at the sight of a man's face. However, when I got back to school I bumped into a girl from my hometown that I always had something for and I fell in love with her again. I ended up finding a girlfriend and I just relaxed the rest of the semester. However, I go back to my hometown and get a job as a busboy and I have to come off as upbeat and friendly and Im serving townies. I'm convinced I'm giving them further justification in thinking that I'm gay and the original worrying comes back. However, this started in June of 2010. Since this started, I have never been sexually aroused by naked men and I'm quite disturbed by the idea of gay sex. I've been able to think about girls and get aroused without any problems. But I always try to convince myself I'm gay? When girls flirt with me I feel awesome. Guys? Uh-uh. I don't know what this is? I can find a man's face attractive, but everything else? No. I talked to my therapist about this and she says I'm straight, as does my mother, who is in touch with everybody in my hometown and assures me that nobody thinks that, because parents question each other's kids. I am slowly starting to rediscover sexual attraction in women. Am I a repressed homosexual or am I suffering HOCD?

[hocdvictim]

I'm painfully going through this right now and I can't believe I found this on a search. You people are pretty much mirror images of what I'm going through. I had an HOCD attack before a few years ago and I successfully conquered it after months of grueling and agonizing self help. I was able to eventually return to my happy heterosexual lifestyle.

Every now and then the same kinds of fears come up but I was able to brush them off within seconds and move on. But then about a couple weeks ago I was reading an article mentioning a person's bisexuality and then the panic attacks immediately returned, stronger and more powerful than last time. Within minutes my chest swelled up and I couldn't breathe. In the days that followed, I couldn't look at anyone, have a decent conversation, eat right, sleep right, was monitoring every thought and action 24/7, etc. No one in this world should ever have to go through that, no one.

When I see another guy I receive immediate images of me performing homosexual acts on them and it makes me wince and sick to my stomach. I've only been sexually intense with females and the thought of applying the same thing with males just isn't me and it doesn't feel right in the end no matter how far I go with it. I had a wonderful girlfriend the day before the trigger and now it's like somebody flipped a switch and my life blacked out. We were so much in love with each other before that incident. What hurt me most was how she had no problem leaving me due to the HOCD. I was crushed and depressed. I lost the love of my life because of this stupid disorder. Can you imagine going through that? One minute life is beautiful, then the next minute nothing? The thing about HOCD is that your world turns upside down in a heartbeat and it seems too real to be false. That's how powerful it is. I wanted to kill myself.

Not only that, I can no longer stand to hang out with the male friends I've had for years when before everything was fine. I used to watch straight porn but not anymore because I'm afraid of the naked men in them when they didn't bother me in the past. I can't even look at or get sexually aroused by females anymore because my mind gets so fixated on homosexual thoughts that it sickens and annoys me to death. It's as if a demon possessed me and torturing me yelling "Face it, you're gay, now go do gay acts!" My personal health and hygiene have also severely deteriorated. Sometimes I feel I will die this way. I've considered suicide many times the past couple weeks. I'm glad, however, that I am not the only person and at least I know what I'm going through is not unique. I just want my life back. I've become a suicidal recluse.

[Linda28278]

My boyfriend suffers from what i think is hocd as well he knows he has ocd it runs in his family in the guys.  He goes from loving and wanting me like im his world to loving me but him pulling away and being distant but with him always says he still wants me and no one else.  His triggers exposure to anyone gay especially if they like him.  People saying are you gay teasing can trigger it he starts to believe he is. If we fight and he gets stressed or feels hurt he does.
He wont go to his parents they are all so hard on him being perfect to them is all he cares about .  This is what we do . This is just stuff we tried no dr or anyone told us to do it.  get a journal use it everyday you can use a free one online like penzu.  Write in it how you feel everyday do you feel straight or gay what happened today this is a way to see if maybe you are gay or bi or if something triggers it. at the end of all you write no matter what you write if you feel its hocd write i know im straight or im straight as many times as you need to . Avoid triggers if you can movies with bi/gay behavior in it. If you have someone you can trust and tell how you feel then when you have feelings when my bf starts to turn I tell him I know your not gay and you do to its hocd tell me do you love me? Does a man thats gay want a man or a women he says a man I say do you want me he says yes then i say are you gay he says no that pulls him out of it faster.  Some episodes can last a week for him. They always start with a hmm that guy is cute or something small thats why if you write everyday you can catch it when it starts.  I hope some of this will help you.