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HOCD?
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HOCD?

Hello, I'm a 22 year old female and I think I have HOCD. I have ALWAYS been attracted to men...my whole life. Always believed in prince charming, wanted a husband and children and still do. But I was watching tv one day and just "I'm gay" popped into my mind and It was right after my sister came out and my best-friend came out and this was like three years ago but then just went away weirdly and I have a boyfriend who yes I am completely attracted to and love to death but this whole "I'm gay" thing popped right back into my head a week before he left for college again. I'm sick of it, I'm not attracted to woman what so ever..the thought of woman on woman actually makes me puke (believe me thinking of a vagina has made me hurl on numerous times) I'm just sick of this. I have slight ocd...not to bad of it. I've always had it though and never thought anything really of it until this happened and I been praying to God for answers and came across hcod. But I keep having this fear that since all my friends are turning gay and my sister is gay i'm going to be gay. Not to mention when my sister came out my mom was like wow you have to watch yourself now (because both sides of my family have gays on them) and actually thats when this whole thinking i'm gay started. Please tell me there is a way to stop thinking of it? I'm praying and praying and I feel like God wont answer me. It's so annoying and I just want to go back to not saying im gay and enjoying my boyfriend.
Tags: hocd
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Avatar_f_tn
I'm sorry you are going through this. Unfortunately there is no "quick fix" when it comes to OCD. I would recommend talking to someone (perhaps a professional) about these feelings you are having and hopefully they can work with you to overcome these thoughts. Also, I, as goes for other people on this board, are always willing to listen if you would like to talk to us privately. Feel free to vent away. I am happy to provide as much support as I can. :) I deal with my own experiences of HOCD, although it is only a small part of my overall OCD. I can relate.
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Avatar_f_tn
thank you. It's just getting to tiring right now with this whole thinking I am when I'm not. I am straight..I like men, I love doing sexual things with men and am fully attracted to men but I feel like my ocd is kicking my butt. I'm so tired of these thoughts and the compulsion to say I am when I'm not. My ocd has done other bad things before...I was once afraid of cancer and I had the most strongest urge to say I had it and believe I had it when I didn't. Also having the urge to jump out my bedroom window and not understanding why i had this urge to do so. I can't take this ocd anymore...I feel like it's making me go crazy and I have no insurance and might be pregnant so I don't know if any of the medicine they put me on will effect my child (if I am.)
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Avatar_f_tn
Yeah, I'm pretty sure you don't want to be taking anti-depressants when you're pregnant. It's something to discuss with your doctor.

I know that OCD can take so much out of you. Believe me, I empathize. Just tonight I broke down crying as I usually do because sometimes it just gets to be too much.

I urge you to get professional help if you feel this is something that is hurting you mentally and emotionally. OCD only gets stronger, not weaker. It really is a ***** of a disorder. :(
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Avatar_f_tn
I hate it. I hate what it's doing to me. I hate the compulsion to do things and this hocd. I'm not gay and I know that. I'm attracted to my boyfriend and love him dearly. Never been to woman but since all my friends are turning gay it hit my ocd and now it feels like it's taking over me. I'm scared to hang out with girls now and go to work around girls because i don't want to be like "yup I'm gay" even though I'm not it's just the ocd talking. I'm tired of counting to three each time I get scared and repeating "So not gay, so straight" in my brain over and over again. I'm tired of HAVING to drink three water bottles before bed and go to the bathroom three times before bed cause if I don't I freak out. I'm tired of it..it feels like it's taking over my life and I'm sitting here crying cause I am breaking down from it.

The scary thing is my mom has mental problems and right now is in the mental hospital and I see how my family (including my dad) is talking bad about her because she has a problem and it makes me scared to tell them I have a problem even though they've noticed I have obsessive compulsion sometimes. I'm so tired of it I just want to be normal.

Thank you for listening and understanding
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Avatar_f_tn
I too need to repeat a phrase for my HOCD. :(

I am so sorry to hear about your mom. But, you need to remember, OCD is NOT YOUR FAULT! It is something that no one can help!

Maybe you could try and start off small and work on your rituals? I am currently on medication for depression and my OCD and it has helped a little bit in making me rationalize that the rituals I do are stupid.

Like, you say you need to drink three water bottles before you go to bed, right? Well, maybe you could start off by not finishing the third one completely, and then another night, only drinking half of the third, and then another night just drink two, and so on and so forth.
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Avatar_f_tn
I tried last night with the water bottle, only drank two and a half waters but I started to freak out when I woke up and saw the other bottle half full. It's hard, I'm trying to live with it as much as I can but I can't help but break down. Like tonight my dad and I were watching a show and this kid had ocd and I tried to explain it to him how it is to live with it and not take medication and he didn't understand it. He didn't get why "I just can't try to be normal".

I'm just hoping this test comes back positive so I can obsess over something new. But then i'm scared my kid will get ocd so it's a win lose situation. I feel like people that dont have ocd dont realize how hard it is for a person with ocd to live each day. Any little thing can trigger an obsession and compulsion for us. But I guess they think it's not normal and we know its not normal but we feel like its normal to us sometimes..does that make sense?
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Avatar_f_tn
Yes, it makes sense. :(

I'm glad you tried though with the water bottle! It may be hard, but OCD needs to be beaten!

And I know EXACTLY what you are talking about with the whole trying to explain OCD to someone and they just don't get why you can't be normal and stop having it. So frustrating!

I just had another attack and am now obsessing over having diseases again. It always seems to come back. This is a hard battle to fight.
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Avatar_f_tn
Ugh I hate it. You know an hour ago I was like Nicole look, you like men..you want a husband..you want your boyfriend to be your husband. You want children with him and him to be by your side through thick and thin. He's your soul mate and it worked...My heart was fluttering when I looked at a picture of him, I got the butterflies again in my stomach but then my friend who is gay texted me and was like come out with me and this girl and "so not gay so straight" came right back into my mind and I'm having a panic attack. I know I am not gay, I know it. I hate woman, dont get off on them but my ocd likes to mess with me and it's starting to really bother me.

I know what you mean about obsessing over diseases that you don't have. I've done it plenty of times. Had almost every disease I could think of. Cervical cancer was the huge one lol it ***** I know...It's like when we can be normal..just for a few minutes its heaven then our ocd is out to get us. I swear they better make a cure for this soon.
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Avatar_f_tn
I won't hold my breath for a cure, but yes, it would be AMAZING.


hmm maybe you could just tell yourself, "yeah, i am gay. so what?" you know you're not gay, that's all that matters. saying that isn't going to make you go out and have sex with a woman. it's just going to tell your OCD that it doesn't need to make you panic about being gay.
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Avatar_f_tn
I'm trying to get rid of it. I keep telling myself Look, you want a husband..you want your boyfriend..you two might be having a baby together. This is what you always wanted your whole life. He's your home..he has your heart no one else does. He's had your heart since the 8th grade..You have only a few more months and then he's done with college. Everything is falling into place for you like you always want it. And I'm kinda believing it..What ***** tho is my grandma knows I have ocd and she hates my bf so she was playing head games with me my whole relationship with him saying crap about him..things i feared about him and my ocd picked up on it and went wild. It doesn't help when you have family members who don't understand ocd and use it as a tool to get what they want.

I wish God would just come down and make everyone normal. I really do...It's so unfair he makes some suffer mentally and physically more than others. I keep trying to have faith in him but it's wearing...I feel like he's not helping and doesn't wanna listen.

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Avatar_f_tn
I know it can be hard to deal with and I know that you may wonder why God would give you this disorder, but you need to understand... God does everything for a reason! He wouldn't give you anything that you couldn't handle.

Trust me, I have my times when I am so angry with God, but I then remember how much He loves us, and that in suffering we find strength.

We can beat this!
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Avatar_f_tn
I know. I just yelled at God and I feel bad for it. I know it was wrong but I'm tired of my ocd. My mom came home today and I told her about it..her ocd isn't as bad as mine but she said I can make it work by not paying attention to it. I was kind of angry because she said she knew I had it when I was a child but didn't want to go get me help because she was worried about her problems instead of mine. Whatever I can beat this on my own.

Thank you for listening to me..It's always nice to talk to someone who is going through the same things as I am. I thought i was the only one who went through this.
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Avatar_f_tn
Yeah, medhelp has definitely helped me through some of the rough times I've had with things. I am always here to listen. :)
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Avatar_f_tn
thanks! ever need help i'll listen to.

Today hocd was bad I was like God i'd do anything, anything again to just think of my boyfriend. So I watched dude on dude porn and like I got turned on and what not then a girl popped into my mind and got turned off. So I'm like okay obviously your not gay or bi...you are straight...just your mind is obsessing over this because of your ocd. I still get anxiety around females and the mind going "your gay just say it" and it's making me nuts but if I can get off on male on male then im obviously straight right? lol
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Avatar_f_tn
lol of course you are straight! and you know, when we don't want to think of something, that's what we'll think of.

So when you don't want to think of girls, you'll think of girls. It doesn't mean you want to. :)
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Avatar_f_tn
OK than God I found a this space. I am 27 I just got married and I have been living in pure hell for the past like 6 months. One day I just had a thought what if I'm gay and I have been a like this since, My therapost last Wed told me I had OCD and explained how it works, but this fear feels so real?
I am pertified, I left my ob, I cry all alot, I am depressed, I don't feel connected anymore. I barely watch TV anymore or listen to music anymore. I am exhausted, I don;t want to go out, be seen. My husband has been trying to help me the best he can, but  this is so painful and I feel so desperate. Everyonce in a while the attacks seem to wane and then all of a sudden they are back stringer than ever. I don't ever remember having a crush on a girl, wanting to be w/a girl.
The whole thing of being a lesbo to me makes my stomach roll (sorry not trying to offend anyone). It gives me such anxiety. Today i thought i was going to have a panic attack right at my in-laws house. The what if is so loud and so constant it eats up most of my day. I spend anywhere from 1-2hours crying. I always pictured a house with a husband and kids and I even pictured myself pregnant and dreamt about it. Now I am afraid. I feel desperate. It's taken over every aspect of my life. The minute my husband comes home until he leaves for work he spends watching me. I feel like I cracked. Please help i feel hopeless.
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Avatar_f_tn
You know what worked for me? It's scary...I embraced the thought. I had panic attackes over this very thing for years. Not because I thought it was true, but because I couldn't get the idea to go away. I tried avoiding it. I lived life with this nagging thought at the back of my head that I was a lesbian. Ever since somebody told me a guy I liked with long hair looked like a girl. The OCD was just awful, I couldn't escape it. I knew I wasn't a lesbian, but my mind just wouldn't leave it be!
I was tired of the panic attacks and worry, so I did something that frightened me. I embraced the idea. I thought, if this is true then I will just accept it and find a nice girl to live my life with. If this isn't true, then my OCD won't have a leg to stand on and can finally stop torturing me.

So, out i went and spoke with women I thought were pretty. As we talked, I asked myself "are you sexually attracted to this woman? Do you really want to sleep with her?" the answer was on overwhelming NO. In fact, I was slightly repulsed by the idea when faced with it. I found I was more envious of their looks than actually attracted to them. That was all it took, the obsessive thought died there. Never to bother me again. Satisfying.

I'm married now to an amazing, gorgeous, giant of a man. I couldn't be happier, and I'm glad I learnt to overcome those thoughts. It gave me the confidence to really take on other obsessive thoughts knowing it would benefit my peace of mind in the end.

Late to the discussion, sorry.
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1699033_tn?1405352675
But oh so helpful...thank you for writing!  
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