I HAVE ALWAYS..ALWAYS LIKED GIRLS..from the age of 10 i had a crush on this girl called mary ann and also another girl called autumn...at the age of 14/15 id get an erection from anything..example when my teachers breasts leaned on me in class..i would instantly get hard...basically erections over anythig to do with girls lol...i have never ever thought about being gay or anything,but i did watch gay porn ONCE..out of curiosty but after i found i discusting and was disucted by it.recently (4 months ago) i had a crush on this girl..but she broke my heart and i was angry over it...etc etc
ive had ocd before..wen i was younger,i basically saw a film with aliens in whcih scared me,so i satrted praying like every 5 minutes so that aliens wouldnt get me or i wouldnt die..i was so paranoidover this but got over it..
anyways i was in college one day and one of my friends said.."how do uno ur not gay" then my mind starting asking itself how do uno ur not? the thought of being gay continued the whole day,i couldnt sleep,i was having anxiety attacks,then i came online and searched in "obsessed with being gay" then i found HOCD..which i was so relieved with because tbh because the though of being gay destrroyed me and left me scared 24/7.anyway so i knew i ahd HOCD and i jjust basucally ignored the thoughts again and again..then one weekk when i went away camping the HOCD died out then vanished...and i was feeling like myself again,,i could talk to girls and hang out with my guy mates without being anxious that id "fancy" them or whatever..
anyway wen i got bak from camping the hocd slowly came back,and got worse,and my anxiety got worse..i couldnt sleep etc etc,i got really depressed and still am abit now.with my HOCD i got other ocds whcih came from havign OCD,i started ocd'ing over 'ghosts' in my house due to all the horror films ive watched,then came other ocds whcih were sick and discusting and i wanted to kill myself over them but realised that this is just ocd not ME..
anyways u get the gist...
with my hocd i was masturbating a few days ago..then a sick thought came into my head (not a gay 1) but another
so i basically tried to switch myself bak to fearing over being gay,so i tried getting hard (i wwas hard already over masturbating to women) over 'gay' stuff and then felt a tingle or somesort...a few days later i remebered this..and now my anxiety level is really high..i cant sleep again..my mind is telling me that "u got hard over gay stuff" which is scaring me so much,that im scared ive being gay this whole time but never knew it...as im writing this my heat is beating really fast because im so anxious..HAVE I REALLY TURNed gay? afetr liking girls this whole time and planning my wedding (with a girl) and dates with girls etc..have i just randomly turned gay over night..i no its HOCD but its killig me...
Hi there. We don't wake up one day and boom we are gay. In my opinion we are either gay or we are not and I believe it is based on genetics. If you asked a gay person when they knew, they will probably say very early on in life. And you know what they don't fight the thoughts like you are doing and you are fighting them because you are not gay but rather it is just another mind game you are playing on yourself...like the ghosts, etc. And just so you know, when you do get an erection while looking at gay porn, it is not because of the players but rather the content that is the real turnon.
You have irrational thinking OCD. We take normal stuff and we turn it into something twisted, we what-if it, we catastrophize it and we go from one thing to the next, to the next, with each thought being worse and worse. I have come up with some very, very bizarre things in my life battling OCD but I'm not sharing them with you because you will fixate on them and make them your own and I don't want to make your situation worse.
What you really need is to learn cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and this is taught by a psychologist. Do you have access to a psychologist? I know overseas it is a bit harder because you have to go through your general practitioner and then get a referall and all. Since it does take time, it may be something you want to work on ASAP.
In the mean time you can try this breathing technique when you are overly anxious and desperate. You take a deep breath in through your nose, hold it for 5 seconds and count this out in your head, and then you let it all out through your mouth. You do this until your heart rate has come back down to normal. When you are calm, you can think more rationally. You can do this without anyone even knowing you are doing it. I like to do it laying down with my hands on my stomach. Also, there are a whole host of meditation videos on YouTube that you can try.
Also, there is self-coaching. There is where you basically say you are not going to those silly places with your mind. When I start to go to the dark side, I will say something like "Nope, not going there, no MOVE ON!" in my hhead and then occupy myself with a book or something like that. An idle mind is ripe for irrational thinking.
Lastly, you can get these books. The OCD Workbook: Your Guide to Breaking Free of OCD and also another one called Self-Coaching by Joseph Luciani. I think the workbook will benefit you greatly.
Relax...I had HOCD myself but it was short lived because of course I was off onto the next stupid thought. You can and will get better with the right help. And I do think you need to see a professional because you are a classic case of what is called Pure OCD or Pure O as it is referred to.
You have to self-coach your way through it. Try the breathing and then do the self-coaching. "I like girls and always will" or "I wasn't born gay, therefore I am not gay" anything positive. What you do not want to do is test yourself because testing leads to more anxiety. Don't watch the porn to see, don't masturbate to guys to see what happens...nothing good can come out of that for a person with OCD. When your mind says "you are gay" you counter with "Nope, not going there, so move on!" and then move on to something else.
If you look on the forum you will see so many posts of people with HOCD. Next to HIV anxiety, I think it is what people post the most about. It is very common. I have even had a post from a gay person thinking they were going to wake up and be straight one day. It goes both ways with OCD.
I have given you tips....self-coaching, replacing negative thoughts with positive ones, breathing, not giving into the thinking in general. I cannot fix you...only you can do that and you start with the above. Take care.
hey bro!! i have hodc too its ****** the same reason u had urs girl-ish.. i still havent overcomed mine.. to top it up am a nigerian were do i get to see a therapist in this country... so were are like the same mehn.. ma mind wants me to tell every ******* person i see that am gay.. i see a guy and panic attacks now no more attacks ots now images i see my self being dicked and stuff its ****** mehn.. i want girls nothing more
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