I've had HOCD since I was around 13. My obsession began when a friend passively mentioned something about being a lesbian, and my mind suddenly lost control. I couldn't stop worrying, couldn't look at women without thinking "am I attracted to her?", just basically constant worry (you know the deal). As I grew up I HOCD did begin to fade into the background, as I became friends with girls I would constantly worry "do I have a crush?" but over time, learnt to say 'whatever'. I had one best friend who I really wanted to be like, she was everything I was not, she turned out to be a rather pathetic best friend in all honesty, but for some reason my HOCD attached itself to her, I was always worrying about my motivation behind trying to be her friend, did it mean more? I'm 19 now and my HOCD came back with the vengeance.
It got to the point where every memory was twisted, I was convincing myself i was a lesbian and then not etc. I actually tried to take my own life instead of being back and forth constantly. I was diagnosed with OCD at that point. Anyway, my latest fear is that I was in love with the said friend the whole time. I'm over analyzing every single thing I ever did, did I love her? Am I in love with her? It's driving me insane.
It feels like my HOCD is adding a romantic feeling to every memory I have. I admit I really wanted to be like her and be her best friend, I bent over backwards for the kid and ended up being treated rather badly, we now have no contact. But now I'm freaking out, was this all romantic? When I wasn't in a bout of HOCD (which always played up when she was around because I began associating it with her), I would see how stupid I was. Help? I just want to get over this
The key here is that you have been diagnosed with OCD and HOCD is just another irrational thought in a long line of things that people with OCD can think up. At 13 we all want or did want to be popular. The one that hung around with the in crowd. And usually there was always one girl that we emulated because we thought she had it all. The attention, the clothes, the everything. So what your mind is doing to you is playing tricks...you did what every other 13 year old girl does, and probably boy for that matter. Get back to your "whatever" because this past blip in your life means absolutely nothing and has no bearing on who you are today.
Thank you for your comment. Although I was 13 when it all began, the friendship developed when I was around 17. I'm really panicking, I'm over analysing every memory of our friendship. For example I only really went to Reading Festival because she mentioned it, I always wanted to be part of her group, her best friend. I was always really jealous of her, I'm freaking out in all honesty.
You hit the nail on the head when you said the words "jealous." Don't beat yourself up becasue we all do this stuff. Hell, I still check out women who are my age because honestly I want to look as good as they do! Do you have a boyfriend or have you had a boyfriend?
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