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HOCD....it's a killer
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HOCD....it's a killer

I'm 23 years old, and late in Feb. I've been kind of stressing about the intrusive thoughts I'd get into my head, it was nothing sexual or emotional, it was just more of admiring people for their good looks. I have always wanted to be ripped and muscular, so when I ever I saw someone with a ripped chest or a good six pack I'd stare at their muscles but not in a sexual way, that's been going on since I was a little younger back in my highschool football days. I've never thought anything of it, infact I've always been attracted to women, sexually, but I could never understand why I was attracted to muscular bodies, I've always felt masculine, never had any feminine moments I can think of, never desired to be with a man let alone sleep with one, I've just always had close relationships with my boys. But as of recently I've been scared ******** because I was thinking damn, I'm turning gay, I have a lot of female freinds so that means I'm gay because that's typical in gay men, so I lost a little sexual desire in my gf due to anxities which scared me even more, and I was even more anxies because I even stared at guys bodies. The more I became afraid of my fears, the more my pain grew, and I started thinking damn it this is why my relationships never last over a year, but in reality I was a player and at times got tired of my sexual partner so I always end up letting them go, so that played a role in my fear because I started to think OH NO IT'S NOT THAT I DON'T LIKE HER ANYMORE, I JUST THINK I'M GAY, so that put even more pain in my life. Then while I was battling these intrusive thoughts, one day I was with my business partner and I caught my self with an intrusive thought telling me to kiss him on the lips, which I was very disgusted by it because I'm not into men, I just wanted to bang my head on the wall for thinking that but hey we can't control what we think sometimes, I knew I wasn't into men but sometimes your mind tells you to do stuff that are very unlike you. So as I was going through my journey, instead of going to therapist I began doing my own research and reading stories of others that are going through this just like me, and I followed up after psychologist from the web, I came to find out about my disorder, and everything that I've been going through is described, and I read other individuals stories who were much worse then mine and who weren't gay, in reality it happened to be fears of unrealistic events that wouldn't happen that scare us into isolation and loneliness, the problem with our society these days,therapist tell people to accept themselves for who they are as far as sexuality and more then half of the time that's not who they are, they are just looking for answers, and I think we don't address this properly, and that's why I thought that admiring another man for his looks is gay at the begining, I think that's where a lot of it starts, when a man admires a man or a woman admire another woman, we tend to say it is of lesbian and homosexual thougths or being a homosexual and that's why we thought of it, but in reality, admiring looks is just like admiring a good looking car, a home, an animal, our society is just too scared to man up to it. I have been doing some self therapy, I didn't want to rely on medicine, I'm relying on therapy and my girlfreind is totaly supporting me because she knows me deep down inside. What's your take on this folks?
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Avatar_n_tn
First of all, I'd like to remind you - You're NOT gay. I know it's hard to believe that in these rough times. I'm def no pyschologist, just here to help a brother out. Here are a few things that helped me out:

1) These thoughts always seem threatening at first, but all they could be is a new 'comfort' and 'consciousness' (rather than fantasy) with Male sexuality. Think about it, before you didn't think much of it - Now, you're just more conscious of these reactions. Big deal eh? You're now Fully aware that you observe other guy's bodies because it's healthy looking - Not because you're 'attracted' to it emotionally/sexually.

99.9% of Girls check out other girl's bodies ALL THE TIME - Is that because they're attracted to them? NO! It's because nice bodies are appealing to the eye, and also used for comparison purposes! This is no different than what you described above!

2) Learn about the Kinsey Scale (Google it) - Kinsey believed that there is no such thing as completely 'Gay' or 'Straight' - You CAN be 90% Hetero and 10% Homo, and vice-versa. In the unlikely event that any of these physical feelings/reactions are indeed genuine, these don't really mean you're 'Gay' - There could be many other things that can define/predict a homosexual orientation, which you'd probably be aware of by now. You can let these thoughts be, and won't affect your ability to have relations with Female Partners!

Example - My Girlfriend has a persistent fantasy of a girl going down on her - She's far from 'Lesbian' and is able to maintain physical and emotional feelings with male partner.

3) Exercise/Working Out is OCD/Anxiety's worst enemy. Although it won't eliminate it, it will help balance out your body and mind, and assist you with getting out of this viscous vortex.

4) Do whatever it takes to get lots of sleep! Tiredness and fatigue fuels this OCD's nasty thought process.

5) Using Meds are effective, but ONLY when you combine it with a regular therapy with a Psycologist. Do NOT think of Meds as 'cheating'. There are side-effects - Learn about them to see if the benefits outweigh the risks. Start with a LOW dosage and work up from there.

Best regards,
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454863_tn?1208310579
i dont think your gay man. You just are very obsessed because its all new to you.  Ive had thoughts like that too back when i was your age. im 29 now and completely satisfied with my sexuality.  I dont mind if people call me gay because i know im not.  Its funny too because i see guys sometimes and its alright just to admire.  Its like a car dude.  I even tell my wife now jokingly, my boyfriend is Scott Weiland.  (Singer of Stone Temple Pilots)  So what, i know im not gay.  
And you know what, youre right.  They dont address this issue that much out there.  They should.
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Avatar_n_tn
I hear you!  Sam thing is goin on with me.  I'm a happily married 32 yr old guy!  Normal life but then had a very stressful year this year.  Wife hasn't been able to get pregnant then whah bam this thing hits me.  I always thought I had some slight OCD tendencies but when I got this I was wondering what the hell is goin on!  There is nothing wrong with gay people, I work with a few and they are nice people!  Am I a slight homophobe, yes!  Am I against gay marriage, yes! Am I repulsed by two dudes making out, yes!  But sure enough this thing hits me. It has been torture and at times I have hit rock bottom where I couldn't stand myself or being around anyone!  Not sure how I get thru some days other than from strength from up above and my wife.  I'm goin to see a doctor in a week and I pray he can help. I wish this on no one!  It feels good going to the gym or out with my wife and still seeing beautiful women and bein attracted to them but all it takes is one slight thought o image in a part of my mind and it all goes downhill!  The worst part is even when you are having a good day, you are still nervous and obsessing over when your next occurence will happen!  Saying to yourself, hey man you know your not gay is not always enough!  I pray for help and if anyone has some great advice it would be very much appreciated!  Good luck man and it's good to know that there are other men and women out there like us!  I hope I can get thru an enjoyable night of watching some hockey and baseball!
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