When I was younger, I would fear that my mom would never return home. I would fear she would either abandon me and my brother or that she would die in a car accident before she could make it home. This began at the age of 6-7. It lasted until I was about 9-10. Shortly thereafter I developed a fear that I was going to die via a car hitting me when I crossed the road to get the mail. My mom was fed-up with me calling her at work to see if she was ok, and talk about me dying by car, that she had to get me help, In fact, her boss told her it could not continue. Remember, at this time I was just a young boy. Another instance, when I was 16, I obsessively thought i was gay. I didn't want to be but so many "what if's" plagued me. I took counseling to get this under-control. I'm straight and fine now. Sometimes, and this has happened all my life, I go for days, or weeks, or even months, worrying I am sick with some disease the doctors cannot discover (it might be cancer, or syphilis or AIDS, etc.) I usually can get this under control. Here recently, though, the fear of dying and being sick with something has plagued me again. Further, a new fear has emerged that I'm not used to. I fear that I'm insane now. I've read up on OCD recently and I'm wondering if this is what I have, since I have a hard time denying it. It's like once my mind get's a thought or idea of something frightening it won't let it go. This doesn't happen everyday or even every month, but when it does it is BAD! Some of the symptoms I feel:
High anxiety and panic
Very low confidence
I don't like myself very much any more
I'm always looking to justify my bad circumstances via some punishment because I think I deserve. Further, I never think God loves me anymore.
Withdraw from social gathering. I doubt myself too much to approach females, even though I REALLY REALLY want to.
When anxiety and thoughts enter my head I pace, talk to myself as if I were someone else (even though I know I'm not), in efforts to calm myself down. Fro example, like one "me" is dumb, over-looking things; whereas smart "me" has to teach and show dumb "me" a lesson. I realize there is no two me's but it makes me feel better, as I see myself as confident and assertive.
I don't deal with people who make me angry well. I'm passive about it. Then, when I'm alone, I imagine them there and I pretend argue with them. (I always seem justified, of course, and feel much, much better afterward after I prove my point to the imagined person I'm angry with).
I feel constantly stuck in my thoughts.
I obsessively look at pornography (at least once a day - maybe a ritual of some kind. Yet, I REALLY, REALLY want to stop. Yet, I just keep doing it. I just keep yearning for it. Even though I really don't want to anymore.
Anyways, I REALLY, REALLY want someone to talk with me on here. I'm convinced I have OCD but because I'm no doctor, and because I'm not very familiar with this condition, I'm looking for others to explain what they think given the info I just gave. What do you think of the symptoms and info I gave. THANKS SO MUCH!!
ALSO, when my girlfriend of high-school (for 4 years) broke up with me. I obsessively thought about my pain, the loss, her coming back, ways to get her back, etc. for TWO very long, long years of misery.
I personally think that the thoughts you had when you were younger were OCD related if not ocd itself, but I can't say yes because I'm not a doctor. All your symptoms would be caused by it and won't go away until you get it under control somewhat. I think the other feelings you're having such as with your girlfriend might just be because you already have low self-esteem and all you can think about is the pain of what you lost. If I were you I'd maybe make a list or even type up something and read it to the doctor or just ask the doctor to read it all, not just part of it and answer any questions honestly. Therapy won't work if you don't want it to and that's the truth honestly. If all you're doing it going there for an answer and a fix you won't get both. Also you posted about feeling like you're sick with some incurable disease, that's a hypochondriac and it sounds like you might be one. All I can say is that unless you truly feel sick, and not just sick like you're filled with anxiety causing you physical strain because of worries, but truly sick like puking..then don't go to the doctor for tests. Unless you truly can afford them. By continuing to go to the doctor you're not helping yourself and making the situation worse. You need therapy, preferably cognitive therapy to help you alter your thoughts to positive ones.
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