Hocd help

Okay im a 16 year old male and im straight. I know that because ive been atractted to girls my whole life and have been in relationships with girls and loved them and am currently in one now and im in love with her. See the thing thats on my mind always is when i was younger i was watching tv and a gay show came on and i got aroused but i didnt question my sexuality and i watched gay porn this year three times and was arroused and did have a orgasim but ive also had other weord fetishes like incest and other weird straight things i feel so sick knowing i watched it and that incedent when i was younger made me question am i just an denial? thinking about having sex with a man or having a relationship is something that i will never want im attracted to my girlfriend an have sex with her and sex is amazing i just wanna understand whats going on

[Muchbtter]

Okay, here is my personal experience that might help you with your denial or confusion of probably wondering if you are gay or not. Let me start by saying that i got on this website this morning because i suffer from OCD and tourettes syndrome an anxiety and depression so all i can give you is my personal experience and knowledge of the disorder. I'm 34 now and devoloped OCD symptoms at age 20 and if i can remember correctly the first issue that OCD decided to run its magic on me with was homosexual intrusive thoughts.  I'll try to shorten this up. I was in an incomrehensable personal termoil and overcome with gay thoughts and thoughts to reassure myself if i was gay or not. I would run scenarios and situations in my head all day just so i would get a reaction of physically spitting in disgust and yelling things out loud while i was driving or even in the presence of the public. I literally wanted to take a shotgun and blow my genitals off or cut them off with a knife. That is how bad the OCD got. I personally believe that you might be gay. Here is why i say this. running out of space here.brb

[Muchbtter]

okay, i ran out of space. I have never seen a gay porn nor do i want to because I am not aroused by the same sex. I can respect and comment that another man is good looking and all that but I know for a fact that I could not get aroused with another man. Going through all of that OCD turmoil made me really disgusted by the whole homosexual thing.  You on the other hand may not be which is perfectly  fine with me, i don't want to sound hateful here. Take a good look at your paragraph and the way you worded a couple of things. Having sex with a man is not what you want at age 16 but maybe it is something that you are obviously aroused at from what you said. I'll quit my counseling and say trust yourself and don't be ashamed man, It has to be hard at 16. Hope i could show you a difference in what OCD would be in this situation.

[helpmeyo]

okay thank you for your opinion i have been diagnosed with hocd even according to my therapist going online like this is my ritual i would like to explain to you the dofference between denial and hocd:
denial: your whole life youve wanted to play baseball but your family and friends say its forbidden and that you have to play basketball but you dream about playing baseball and really want to play baseball

hocd: youve played basketball your whole life youve loved it and all of sudden you pick up a baseball bat and your terrfied you panick and freak out its terror

thats how my therapist worderd it ive never wanted to be with a man and never will i have a verry supportive family and friends that wouldnt care and my school isnt bad with gays i think if i was gay i would know that deep down yes ive watched gay porn and thats what caused my terror ive read that many straight guys like it because its so wrong its a turn on and that a test you can use for hocd is think about deep kissing with a guy ans see what happens when i thibk about it i grt disgusted and ik u said its because im 16 but when i kiss my girlfriend or have sex with her i get so hard its amazing n ive had sex with her and acheived a orgasim my therapist also said that if you were gay there would be a comfort zone when i think im gay and after your comment i feel sick i wanna break down and just die because deep down ik my sexuality when im calmed down and with my girlfriend i truly do love her and your sexual orentation doesnt decide what you look at on the internet ive been attracted to girls since i was in kindergarden when i popped my first boner to a girl in my class i know where i stand and it is not gay or bi they freak me out i avoide gay people now because i fear its contagious

[helpmeyo]

i know from what it sounda like i am gay but from what i was told if you say your straight then your straight and there have been many people that have gone through the same thing sometimes i am totally convinced im gay and when those thought come in i feel sick i cant get out of bed and ill start to break down i would like to also say that i will never watch gay porn again because it makes me feel sick

[helpmeyo]

My whole question to you is if you truly do think im gay why is it that when i think about having a relationship with a male it sickens me and the same thing with having sex i had all the symptoms of hocd except two and also why do i feel extreme emotion for my girlfriend and dont want to leave her? i also do enjoy having sex with her i tank you for commenting but you opinion didnt help me at all and just convinces me that im turning gay which i dont wamt

[JGF25]

I'm jumping in here. I don't think you are gay at all. When we are young we experiment with all kinds of stuff. Porn is tricky because it is usually the content and not the players that is the real turn on..i.e. sex. If I were to watch reg porn there would be girl on girl action. Now if I was to have an orgasm during that part of the movie does that make me gay? No it does not. Do you see what I'm saying? Your therapist is right so continue with therapy and eventually this thought will become a distant memory.

[helpmeyo]

I cannot thank you enough for taking your time my whole life ive had sexual fantasys about girls and marrying one and the girl friend i have now is truly amazing i actually love her theres no doubt up untill this year these sexual same sex fantasys came in and i had a orgasim and afterwards it didnt feel real it felt wrong and untill my last time watching a video it made really question myself and thats when my anxiety came in when i calm myself down i know im straight i would never want a relationship with a man or any kind of sexual thing it doesnt feel right and i know its my ocd playing with my head everytime a thought comes to me n i think i like it which i dont but thank you i cannot thank you enough

[Mb14]

If it makes you feel any better not everything is so black and white. I deal with something similar to this where its like my mind wants me to be gay, when I am not. I have never looked at gay porn or anything like you say, nor have I had any desire to but like JGF25 said porn is tricky. You can sometimes get aroused at the idea that its so wrong. You said when you are with your girl you get aroused, so you're not gay. The one thing that confuses me is you said you got aroused at gay porn or that gay show. Have you ever though that you may have some bi-sexuality or bi- curiosity?

But again you can't be gay because you say you are attracted to women and get aroused with your gf. So if anything at all you would be bi not gay.

Hopefully that helps

[helpmeyo]

i read a article about it and heavy porn users start to get aroused at things thst are so wrong n no man being bi freaks me out an i would.never ever ever do anything with a guy it disgusts me watching porn back then if tgere was a guy in it i used to not be able to.get up i truly know im straight man n im getting better an my doctor said people can get aroused from anything an the thing that seperstes you from gays or bi is that you dont want to act on any thoughts amd you freak out and i truly do love my girlfriend and thinking about doing something with another guy to me is digusting and it will never happen

[JGF25]

Don't get upset...I don't think you are bi either.  Keep up the therapy and you will be fine.  Take care.  

[Ben727]

I agree with JGF completely on this. You're not gay, nor bi at this time, period.

[worriedworry]

our society constructs female sexuality on a spectrum where its ok to have some same sex attractions but constructs male sexuality without a spectrum, so obstensibly it is never ok for a man to be aroused by anything same sex. unfortunately this is not very realistic, and can lead to extreme confusion in young men. dan savage and others have written about this phenomenon. you are not gay. if you watch enough porn you will eventually stumble on somehting outside of your normal interests that turns you on. porn is hyper-arousing and designed to turn you on, so even if you are straight you can get aroused by gay porn particularly when it is portrayed a certain way. dont get so worked up about this, its not a big deal and please dont say you are "disgusted" by gays and things like that. im picking up on some major homophobia, which is normal for someone your age, but not healthy. you are obviously straight but dont be afraid to explore other aspects of you sexuality, dont be afraid or ashamed whatever feelings you may have. sexuality isnt black and white, it is a spectrum, even though its my belief that you fall on the straight side of the spectrum.

[Mb14]

Well from reading your response to my post I def think you are NOT bi either. It was just an idea that I was throwing out. The more I hear from you, the more it just seems like HODC. You said you are in therapy for this right? Keep going to therapy as it will help you.

Also listen to worriedworry. She is correct, there does seem to be some homophobia there or extreme anxiety about being gay. You are not gay, so don't worry about it.

My therapist tells me that "you are not going to get a definite answer that makes you realize one way or another". So just embrace the fact that you will never be 100% sure and to not worry about it. Just accept that and move forward.

Best of luck.