its been about 2 months now since ive come down with what i believe to be HOCD, and i believe it came from what I had before that which is classified as ROCD..but anyway, when the HOCD first came about i was experiencing all of the symptoms that any other person would have that has HOCD anxiety, intrusive thoughts, nausea, groinal responses, and for me i have anal sensitivity that wont go away.
I have a girlfriend whom which i love, or i thought i did since the ROCD came along from my friend asking me a question about a "dream girl" about 4-5 months ago, and i thought about one of my friends thats a girl,, and that hurt me deeply to basically wake up and feel like i dont love my girl anymore, i went crazy. I broke up with her because i didnt know what else to do. We got back together a few days after, but i knew i wasnt on the same level as she was even though i really wanted to be so it was like i was trying to force it, and I didnt know that what i had was ROCD maybe? until about 2 months ago when i started looking up things about HOCD. the ROCD stressed me so bad, i was emotionally numb, taking every little thing about my girlfriend and finding it annoying for some reason, but i really wanted to be with her, but the right way and i didnt know how, i was depressed. i started watching more and more porn and thinking about how life would be better without her, and how this other girl would be better, but i was trying to fight the thoughts because i really felt like i truely loved my girl and it would be a mistake so i stayed around. I was contantly looking at other girls and comparing, i just wanted to flirt with other women, i loved women, but i loved my girl too, and we'd do anything for each other. i was putting alot of strain on my heart, battling these thoughts for almost 4 months...
and then out of nowhere i got hit with gay thoughts, i cant call exactly where it came from, i believe porn but im not sure. I was thinking about somebody performing anal sex on me and from there on it just snowballed into other gay thoughts that wont go away, things that i would never think about because ive NEVER been attracted to a man in any kind of way until this HOCD came along? only comparing myself to other dudes, wishing i was like that because i never felt like i was that great looking or anything..
I had all these symptoms of an HOCD person, intrusive thoughts, anxiety, nausea, suicidal thoughts, anal sensitivity..but now days it seems like i have no anxiety and these thoughts are pleasant or something, like im used to anxiety already or something from when i was going through the problems with my girl(who is still standing beside me through all this, after i broke up with her a 2nd time). I feel socially awkward, like im not the same person anymore, im always worried about looking gay, sounding gay with what i say and everything when im around my boys. like im supposed to be gay or something, like my mind is trying to tell me this is who i am, but i really dont want to be. whenever i think about a gay act being performed or something i feel nothing, a little nausea, but from what everyone always writes in their stories i feel like i should feel worse than this, thats what makes me feel like im gay or something..and when i try to think about how i want to go back before all this came about, my mind makes me feel like i could never be the same again and i cant imagine it the right way...i have no anxiety barely and when i go out i cant help but notice attractive people of the same sex, and it seems like ive lost my attraction towards women, which i had so strong before all of this, never a gay thought..the fact that i dont have anxiety is making me question myself deeply..let me say this too, i have had sex before, and plenty of it with my girl, and loved it. I never felt like i was the best, and i always felt like i finished early. and it also make me think ive never enjoyed sex as it is, which i have. but since the ROCD/HOCD my performance seemed to go downhill, ROCD=guilt, HOCD=feeling like im gay. I want to say this comes from lack of self confidence but i just dont know anymore, i dont want to be gay, but arent i supposed to be feeling worse than this?
and i still hang with my girl, we've done sexual things but i cant perform like usual and i dont get hard when i see her naked or anything anymore. does that make me gay? or is this just the HOCD messing with my brain? and soemtimes when i see her, talk to, or think about her i get a sick feeling. why?
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