Hocd turned into bi OCD ? Or did I realise I was bi all along ?? Help !!

[Sweetheartgirl]

This is even worse that hocd !! It feels as if I'm really bi in denial! I have never liked girls it was always boys my entire life:( but now I feel like If I experiment with a girl I will like it I don't wanna like it !!:( I feel so uncomfortable thinking that I might like girls it's an awful feeling. When people say they know deep down that they're straight I don't know who I am anymore :((
What triggered my Bi OCD at least I'm hoping that's what it and in actually not in denial, was reading something online about people finding out that they're bi later on in life and that they were always in love with the opposite sex and then they started liking the same sex !! Why does it feel so real I want my life back :( I want to be tam straight again!! I started missing college and staying in bed all day because I feel like I'm bi but it makes me feel really uncomfortable. Am I bi in denial ?? Or is it hocd ?? Please someone help me



Hi everyone let me get everything of my chest
I'm 20 I have a boyfriend/fiancé that I've been with for the past 3 years I'm a female btw I'm pregnant now. So once I got really high and had a panic attack I think that's when my ocd has been triggered after that event I have been thinking that I have lost my memory and I didn't know who I was anymore I I was always panicking and had this really bad anxiety I couldn't think straight I was thinking that I've gone crazy I couldn't get the horrible thoughts out of my head it was a night mare I've been on obsessing about it for over 7 months before that I have been obsessed about my hair I would check my hair if they're falling out of go crazy if saw more than one hair on my hand , I would pull them out u top they completely stopped falling that's where I felt happy again. I then stopped my obsession by promising my self that I will have a hair transplant ever since then I felt okay no more obsessing. Then I conceived myself that my eyes were too small my forehead too big my face too fat I'd slap myself for feeling ugly but then I promised myself that I will get a surgery done and I felt happy again didn't bother me again. So when I was going through the my weed obsession I thought it'd be a good idea to watch porn I watched porn like 2/3 times a day even if I didn't feel like it I forced myself I moved on into some weird things like gay, lesbian, throat ******* I'm sorry for the language :( the things I found disgusting aroused me I watched a lot of lesbian porn even though gay porn gave me bigger sex drive I find it too repulsive to watch it as I had enough of straight porn. I watched it so much to the point where I didn't feel much pleasure from having sex with my boyfriend I was still enjoying it I still loved it. I felt disgusted everytime I finished watching porn I never found girls sexually attractive in real life I was kinda grossed out when it came to gay people... I'm really sorry for saying that ! I support u and I'm happy for u gay people that your happy being gay I have nothing against it. But then one day I  was having sex with my boyfriend and I imagined a lesbian sex scene from porn and I climaxed I didn that twice in my life after quitting porn, then one day I was watching a movie and someo one came out being gay and then I thought what if I'm gay ?! Oh my the terror ! I started to shake I started to throw up I couldn't stay still I couldn't sit down in one place I was so scarred I just didn't know what was happening to me... I literally thought I turned gay but it just didn't feel right so I went to sleep and I had a gay dream I woke up worried more than ever I just couldn't think straight anymore .. I had to sleep with my mum I stopped going to college I stopped studying for a while and when j came back to college I was on my phone all the time looking for answers, and then I found hocd I felt like it described what I was going through. I was so happy I felt like myself again I still loved my boyfriend I still liked guys I still didn't feel anything for girls. Then after awhile I started to doubt I have hocd I started to notice girls my attraction to guys wasn't there anymore it was just not as strong.... It terrifies me I thought there was o chance I coiuld be straight anymore, I still had sex with my boyfriend I still liked it. I stopped seeing my friends as I was scared I might start to like them in a different way, I stopped texting my friends I avoided females I even stopped cuddling my mum. I remember some gay guy in my class borrowed my pen and then he gave it back to me I panicked and went to wash the pen as I felt uncomfortable touching it, I felt really bad becuase that guy was really sweet to me but I just couldn't help. Then one day a girl that looked gay to me was sat in front of me and spoke to my friends and then she just touched my boots I felt like they were in fire as soon as I got back hope I went to throw them away, my mum asked my why so I told her I didn't like them anymore and she told me to give it to her so I didn't but I told her to wash them. One morning I woke up form a gay dream and I just couldn't take the anxiety anymore I was literally convinced that I turned gay that the porn turned me gay :,( I went to psychologist and told her about my situation as I was I really depressed and didn't wanna tell my mum. She said that what I'm going through is hocd and told me not to worry because I'm straight but I just haven ocd. I felt back to normal for a few days but then I felt like I didn't tell her everything that I didnt tell her about me watching lesbian porn I freaked out again. Now my brain is telling me I'm accepting the fact that I'm gay because I don't even feel disgusted anymore( no more anxiety). The past 4 days been the wore I feel like I really am bi because I read on Internet that's how bi people felt and that they even had hocd for a while :,( I'm so depressed! I'm pregnant and I can't think of anything else but this obsession I can't stop thinking I'm really bi, it's  making me so uncomfortable so so uncomfortable I've been throwing up for that reason I'm so scared it feels like I' don't even like kissing my boyfriend anymore I can't take this anymore I feel like I'm in denial !! I don't know who I am anymore I really hope this ocd :,( please help me guys I really don't enact to be gay it would destroy my life my whole identity. I used to love boys boys attention I would make myself look pretty just so guys could hit on me. I really can't believe i could be gay :( males were so important to me before all this ! I was boy crazy I miss myself :(( I want my attraction and my life back this is not me I'm depressed all the time I've been depressed for the past 3 months I'm so careless about my life right now I pray to God that if I'm gay I want to die. Because i wouldn't rather be dead no offence

Sorry for making it so long
Thank m you in advance I pray for all ocd sufferers[/quote]

[Sweetheartgirl]

So does that mean I'm bi ?

[Patrick109]

I'm not proffesional as i'm only sixteen and I have anxiety and stress problems like you. I have learned to accepted that a person does not necessarily know what their sexual orientation is, at least for us people who suffer from anxiety and maybe ocd.  People can clearly say "I'm straight" with no hesitation, even I did it all the time before my OCD hit me. Now when I've had OCD for a while, I'm forgetting or doubting on how or who I was before OCD hit me. Even if i have 1000 evidence that I'm straight and 0 evidence that i'm gay, OCD confuses me alot and I'm doubting my memories. It really makes my head ache. Me myself have alot of problems concering this matter. "Does that mean i'm bi" I personally don't think that's good to say, for us OCD sufferers, that doesn't ease our anxiety AT all. It just makes it worse. Me myself i'm still very anxious and stressed up. It comes and goes. Sometimes I say "whatever" or I succeed in convincing myself for a day and another. And then suddenly something happens and I get anxious again. I have felt that when I'm really tired, like spending 3 hours studying after school (10h school work) my mind is just off by then. And then when the OCD and my anxiety comes to mind everything becomes worse... My brain don't have that power to remove the anxiety.

[Patrick109]

Every OCD sufferer strave for a answer to ressurance themselves. But that ressurance is only temporary. Your mind will just play tricks on you and then the other day you will be doubting that answer and reassurance. Yep that's how it works and I hate it.

[Patrick109]

I have exacly the same problem. As you have read my post about hocd, My stress levels have decreased the last weeks. I try to remove the thoughts by saying "whatever" or "So what if I'm gay", "I just need to live a happy life". Before my anxiety and stress levels was so high my brain went nuts litterly. And the symptoms you have were the same as mine. But one difference is that I have no evidence that I'm bisexual/gay. I was also depressed alot and stressed so much I wanted it to end. My anxiety is still there, everyday thinking about it. Sometimes it's a bit extreme and I still avoid eye contact and physical contact with the same gender. My heart is unease all the time. Sometimes it just pops up and I cant get it out of my mind.

[Sweetheartgirl]

I wouldn't care what other people would think of me they could know I'm gay but as long as I know I'm not I would be fine with it. What is going on with me

[Sweetheartgirl]

I'm so scared it might not be hocd, I know I have had OCD for a long time, and all this questing came from one thought that I couldn't get rid of. I was 100% sure I was straight not once in my life have I questioned my sexuality. I don't wanna be with a female it's making me feel really alien and uncomfortable, will I ever get back to normal again ?? Or did I just turn gay/ bi ?? Or did I just find out now ?I am so scared I have a boyfriend and his worried about me because I have lost a lot of weight and became really depressed. And I don't wanna tell him because I'm scared he'll think I'm bi and leave me the word bi spikes me

[JGF25]

From what you have said, I believe you have HOCD.  

[Sweetheartgirl]

Thank you so much! But do you think this is hocd or denial because I'm really scared and need so reassurance please. I know I don't like girls and I never did in anyway, but my mind is saying something different because I watched porn and it's saying that it is a Sign but I know it isn't and it's really confusing ☹ the thoughts are making me really uncomfortable, and the idea of being somethings else other than straight makes my stomach turn and gives me anxiety and makes me feel really uncomfortable and uneasy:( is this hocd or denial ??

[Godsangel__1]

Its just hocd nothing to sorry about at all. I;m straight and I will always be straight &; so will you, I learned that when I got cured. Your brain is like a phone and your mind is like the suggestion box above the keyboard. You & your brain(the phone) know what you like & you know you are straight. But your mind( the suggestion box) is giving you awkward and weird suggestions. No matter how real the feeling feel you will never be gay or bisexual. You will always be straight. Its just a sad case that your mind has all of its labels & suggestions all over the place but you'll always be straight. Hocd is supposed to do this but you'll get through it. Try to go read psalms 23 in the bible for some inspiration. Whatever & I mean whatever your going through . God will get rid of each &; every problem for you . but you honesty have to trust In him. & you will know when you honesty put all your trust In him when you leave it alone & your axiety goes away. Do good things TRy to limit your sin, god will see your effort & I gurentee youll get your normal mind back. Don't waste much time. Go get a Bible asap &; you'll be just fine. Sorry for my spelling errors but I'm in a rush. It will go away though

[JGF25]

You have lost your sex drive because you cannot get out of your own head.  Trust me when I have been in crisis mode, which is what I think you are in, who can even think about sex.  It is the last thing I care about honestly.  You are fixated on this because you are having HOCD/Bi-OCD thoughts.  I'm glad you are seeing a therapist.  You can try to do some meditation videos on YouTube for now.  Also you can try this breathing technique to calm yourself down.  You take a deep breath in through your nose, hold it for 5 seconds and count this out in your head, then let it all out through your mouth.  Try this laying down at first with your hands on your stomach.  You can do this technique anywhere at any time and nobody will even know you are doing it.  Also stop the thought when it starts with statements such as "NO, I'M NOT GOING THERE AGAIN!"  Also you can try to give in to the thought.  The more you give in with a "WHATEVER" statement, the easier it will go away.  It doesn't mean you believe the thought but rather you are just saying "whatever" because you know it means nothing.  Try it.  The reality is if you stood up right now and said "I'm Gay" you probably wouldn't want to run out and get a girlfriend and be intimate with her therefore you could not possibly be gay.  People that are gay know it and they don't fight it like you are doing.  Also I believe it is genetic.  You don't wake up one day and become gay.  It just doesn't work like that.  Hang in there and try some of the things I have written.  You need to take an active role in helping yourself because we cannot fix you, only you can do that with patience and practice.  

[Sweetheartgirl]

Can someone please help me, since I lost my sex drive my mind is telling me I never liked straight sex and that I will enjoy G__ sex more and it's so scary

[Sweetheartgirl]

Okay I'm sorry I was spiking I feel back to normal straight !! Hahah for now

[Sweetheartgirl]

Sometimes it feel like I'm in denial because I lost my sex drive an attraction, and I have thiughts of killing myself because I honestly would rather die than be with a woman or like her in any other way than friendship I'm so confused !!

[JGF25]

Please catch me up on your age and whether or not you have seen a therapist?  The thing about OCD is it changes.  It is called the doubting disease.  When it is left unchecked it goes on and on and then you start to get new "What-if" statements.  So now you have gone from HOCD to Bi-OCD.  Your brain simply won't let you rest.  In order to get that much needed rest you should ideally see a psychologist and perhaps a psychiatrist for some medication.  You can take a low dose tranquilizer like klonopin just to help you initially while you are learning CBT from your psychologist.  Sometimes we are in it so long that we forget what it feels like to be normal.  

[Sweetheartgirl]

Hi thank u for answering :) Im 20 and Im seeing a therapist next month n getting my medication next week but Im scared this isntOCD and that Im in denial ??

[Sweetheartgirl]

I keep checking mentally n sometimes with porn I'm on my phone 24/7 looking for answers and checking and testing until u get the result in happy with I feel happy when I feel straight or when I prove to myself that I'm in fact straight

[Sweetheartgirl]

evidence that I have hocd-
I never question my sexuality
I feel anxious and depressed
I'm scared that I will like the same sex
I'm scared that if I experiment I will like it
I think about it 24/7 no stop
I have lost my make attraction
Thinking of a girl feel weird and alien
I hate the thoughts
I get really warm n really hot when I think about it
I feel hopeless
Porn addiction
Evidence I might be bi/ gay
I used to watch lesbian porn
I had 1 or two lesbian fantasies throughout my whole life
Which I believe were caused by porn
I had 3/4 gay dreams before my hocd kicked in which I also believe we're induced by lesbian porn I used to watch it a lot when I got bored of straight porn n the things I found disgusting started arousing me
Evidence I'm straight
Never in my life I had a crush on a girl
I'm boy crazy
I slept with many guys and enjoyed it
Never question my sexuality always felt comfortable and proud to be straight
I love men they fulfill me
I never felt like there was something missing
I had many boyfriends
Never thought of a girl in a sexual way
Never got turned on by a girl ( just their action in porn)
I don't find female body arousing
I was never aroused by a girl
My first crush was on a boy
I had crushes on guys since I was 5/6
Never felt like I was in a closet
The thought of being with a girl scared the **** out of me

[Sweetheartgirl]

I know your probably tired of me posting the same thing but I can't treat it like OCD if it not I wanna know that this is hocd not be actually being

[Sweetheartgirl]

Being bi doesn't feel right to me I'm so scared please help I'm literally going crazy I honestly to go don't wanna be bi it puts me into depression