How do I know it's HOCD

Well I'm a 14 year old male and I've been struggling with this for a while now and I suppose I need some form of relief. So how can you tell if it's hocd or just your mind repressing it? and secondly, is hocd the repeated questioning of sexuality or can it be reccurent thoughts telling you you're gay?

[generaldentist]

Well if you're doubting your sexuality, you're a 100% gay. Trust me. That is no HOCD.
I am a female and I am 100% sure that I am 100% female inside and out. There was never a time I doubted it.
I am up for the HOCD question though.
How do you know that it's already a disorder? Or is it that it really is a disorder at first instance, there is nothing preceding that?

[grapejuice]

are you trying to help are just generally harrassing members of this site?

[generaldentist]

I apologize if it appeared that way to you. I don't mean it that way. Fist of all, being gay is not something anyone can be scared of. You mentioned the phrase "questioning of sexuality" , so I "presumed" there was a slight hint of doubting in your case. HOCD has is not about doubt of sexuality, it's more of a "fear". Fear of hemosexuals, homosexuality..but it's never about doubting once sexuality..
This might help: http://www.brainphysics.com/yourenotgay.php
http://counsellingresource.com/ask-the-psychologist/2010/02/17/gay-straight-or-hocd/

[grapejuice]

it kind of is something to fear, thats why hocd is a recognized type of ocd
also, ive read it before, and in the fear, you obsess over you sexualtiy, so its the recurring thoughts that are questioning yourself - if that makes sense?
and even if it is questioning it doesnt mean im gay, as you said.

[vandykd3]

OCD and HOCD are similar enough in all of us who experience it that it can be clasified into a general category of brain activity and lumped into a diagnostic manual.  That being said, not all manifestations are exactly the same and I find it a bit remiss to try and label the disorder for other people based on what you yourself have experienced.  It's not accurate or helpful.  All we can do is tell our stories and let others compare their experiences to our and see where the similarities lie and how they differ.  Making proclamations on other peoples 'true reality" isn't the answer.  Life is too gray for that.  

Being gay, or simply having gay attacking thoughts are completely different  from one another.  The problem is that with OCD, one never really knows for sure what the deal is because the nature of OCD is that we observe ourselves having these thoughts in the third person while they are occurring and so it's hard to distinguish whether it's real or not.  Take tripping about leaving the iron on after leaving for work.  You know you didn't leave it on but your brain is telling you that you probably left it on and it's such a powerful feeling you double back and check on the iron.  With an iron it's cut an dry.  Is it on or not?  With HOCD, you can't prove that the thoughts aren't real.  They feel incongruent to you but the feelings are so intense and feel real that the fear is never resolved.  

Consider the source of your HOCD.  Did you see boys in the locker room and feel aroused?  Or did a traumatic life even happen such as the death of a parent and suddenly some random thing resulted in your first "gay attacking thought?"   Also, getting aroused by women is a sign you aren't gay if you are a man at least.  If you get aroused by women and want them, then I guess the 'worst' that could happen is you are bisexual.  But you probably aren't because it's homosexual attacking thoughts that are the issue, not bisexual attacking thoughts.  

It's a complicated subject by far.  How can you really know?  Are you a person who always thinks in shades of gray rather than black and white?  Do you have anxiety as well?  All sorts of things make it such a hard subject.  One thing is for sure, HOCD battlers need to stick together, be supportive, and not overreact with singular pronouncements of "how things are for you" because the person who's reading it may not have the wherewithall to reject your pronouncent.  HOCD manifests in a multitude of different manners and to a host of many different degrees.  This forum is a good place for personal stories and facts to uplift the struggling mind and heart.

[chieon09]

I'm also suffering from this problem and I am very sick and tired of it.. I already planned to come "out" but I can't because I'm not sure if I am really a gay or not.. Little by little, I became very attentive and aware that I have HOCD and other types of OCD as well.. I wanted to seek professional help to have medications as well but I don't think there are HOCD specialists here.. Just sharing my thoughts. Hang in there kid :-)

[HOHOHOCD]

hi grapejuice, I have the same problem man.  I am constantly wondering if these thoughts mean I'm gay.  lol just writing this here in this forum makes me feel paranoid that i'm writing them because i'm gay which is just ridiculous.  I have very unwanted thoughts about other males which i won't get into in detail but you probably get the idea.....the problem will be controlled for awhile and then just pop out at me in the most awkward circumstances with co workers and friends.  I've always wanted women my entire life never have I been attracted to males physically but these thoughts actually convince me that I am attracted to them and that I'm a gay in the closet.  Its really the worst thing to think about.  I also have problems remembering things that I did a matter of minutes ago and worrying if i did it or not, its a similar fear actually i believe.  i'll punch out at work (or not, not sure sometimes) and then fear that I didn't punch out at work.  I think that might be another kind of OCD, so maybe I could have more than one kind of OCD.  anyway, the other problem i've been finding is that the thoughts are so powerful and so frequent that other people can tell that i'm thinking them, and they begin to think that I am gay.  its really a nightmare situation.  my one coworker i had a long while back once told me my mind was a "cesspool".  Other people I knew once asked me if i had bad thoughts because they did when around me.  its just a nightmare.....I have tried a lot of things to be free of this but the only thing I can do in this situation is accept that I'm going through it, and let it run its course even though my self esteem and self image are being torn to shreds in the process.  its truly the worst thing I could imagine happening to me in my life......it would be super fine if i was actually gay and i wanted this but this is something I do not want and my mind keeps telling me i do.  it is total BS.

[HOHOHOCD]

just today I went to my friends house and my mind could not stop thinking about my friends crotch......i went from being convinced i'm totally at peace to thinking i must be subconsciously gay and must be in the closet.  I thought as i was driving home, "well he knows now likely what i was thinking it must have been obvious.  I guess I might as well accept this."  all the while feeling simply horrible and kind of sick.  also i find myself thinking that this is just a symptom of a gay person who has had a christian upbringing, who wants to follow the bible strongly, and won't accept being gay because of his beliefs.  That is a huge fear of mine.....and its a big pit of fear inside of me at times.  that i might just be decieving myself my whole life about this because I was in a certain church environment and now i'm on my own its coming out in me.  horror of horrors it is.  but i always pray and God seems to give me peace when i'm done my day.  its a cycle that goes round and round.....out to work and fears come.  back home on my own i relax and pray and i'm fine, on and on.  

[hocdvictim]

Believe me, I know what it's like too and it just pisses me off. This is the single worst annoying thing I've ever faced in my life. From the moment I wake up until right before I go to sleep the same stupid gay thoughts attack me relentlessly. It's like my mind is trying to forcibly change me and because I don't want to change I'd feel convinced I'm a gay person in denial. I'd feel like myself for only a couple seconds but once I start concentrating my HOCD just flares up and then those gay thoughts rush to my head all over gain. It's come to a point where almost anything will trigger the thoughts. I really really hate it.

Many times I think it's just plain hopeless and I will never get back to the times when I was just a comfortable straight person and never had to think about it. I absolutely long for those days again and wish none of this ever happened. I had a fairly bright outlook on life before all this started but now everything I found great and hopeful just disgusts me. I've tried telling my HOCD "Okay fine ******* you win, so I've turned gay, are you happy now?" so my mind would just back off but that never leads to anything. It has sapped the wonder and joy out of life and now I've been trying to help others get through it. We all have to hang in there and not let this demon get the best (or the worst) of us.

[realitychek]

Yea I feel yuh. From sun up to sun down. I have a girlfriend and it causes a bunch of problems between us and she has no clue. She turns me on I can't stop myself from getting aroused around her but the thoughts always persist. Then I go onto maybe thinking I needa break up with her an the thoughts will subside bit I never do. Ive thought to myself I'd be better off just to off myself but I'd never do it. I just hate this everyday. Does it end at some point? Can there be a light at the end of this tunnel. Usually if I jump in my Bible it helps but the thoughts return. My happiest moments is when my minds clear an I'm with my girl Bt them thoughts wont leave me be. I been looking into help Bt I don't feel like talking with ppl I don't know about some ****** off problem I have. **** blows... yea y'all keep your heads up an don't let it break u no matter what. ****** hocd ima beat this ***** someway. Y'all just keep saying "ima win". Try St. Johns wart too it seems to be helping... not much but enuff where I can notice a diffference. God bless all my brothers an sisters going through these difficult times. Please make them realize its all a facade. Y'all be easy.