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How to get Over HIV OCD

Dear all,

I am female, and after a recent makeout session with a guy I'm dating, (we just kissed, mutual masturbation and no genital to genital contact). We had some drinks. He had 3 x 0.5 L and I had 2 x 0.5 L of beer and for me I spaced it out over 2 hours. I wasn't drunk neither blackout, just felt more easy going. I can't help thinking that instead of his finger down my pants, it was his penis. We madeout in a park, I wouldn't say it was dimly lit, but not too bright either. After making out, I tried to give him a handjob, but didn't feel comfortable so we stopped. That's the only time I saw his penis. He tried to finger me again but I was tired and we decided to leave. Before we left the park, I made a note in my cell just (my way of combating OCD), and it read " he confirmed it was his hands down and only remove his penis for handjob which he had to unbuckle his pants". Plus I was wearing tight stockings (closed toes) kind and a dress which won't be easy to just remove. Even if he pulled it down, my butt would have been exposed and I would most certainly know but I didn't remember him pulling my pants down and believe that it didn't happened. Just the OCD taking over. I walked to the train station and trained back home. However the thought of him actually using his penis instead of fingers freaked me out and I have asked him several times and he reassured me and honestly, I would have felt the difference. However it keeps bothering me. I've reached the point where I wear the same outfit and reenact the situation using my dildo. But have come to realised it won't be easy for him to switch from fingering to penis without me not knowing or pulling my panties and stockings down. All I can think of is getting tested. I have done this several times for similar occasions where is just kissing, some fingering. I'm tired of living like this. Any tips on moving on? Thank You very much :)
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1699033 tn?1514113133
Absolutely you have to stop testing.  You know that even when you get the result doubt will creep in or you will come up with other scenarios so it isn't worth it.  This is where you say WHATEVER, ENOUGH, MOVE ON to yourself.  The Self-coaching book is really good if you get a chance to read it.  
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Avatar universal
Dear JGF,

I have been battling my compulsions to test. Its an uphill struggle but I'm trying. I know I have no risk but compelled to test.
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1699033 tn?1514113133
Here is a good book as well

Self-Coaching by Joseph Luciani

Good luck and of course we are always here to help.  
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Avatar universal
Hi JGF25, thank you for your link. I shall read it. I hope I can recover and will refrain from testing as I realise it will set me off in an endless test cycle. I want to beat this by myself before I resort to professional help. Once again thank you so much
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1699033 tn?1514113133
This is a really good article to read.  Gives more in-depth information about OCD and why we do the things we do.

http://www.wsps.info/index.php?catid=0:&id=82:ten-things-you-need-to-know-to-overcome-ocd&option=com_content&view=article
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Avatar universal
Yes I'm not seeing a therapist as it's pricey. I don't know why when I'm alone I will make up scenes in my head like he pulled my pants down and penetrated me etc. I think it's guilt from the mutual masturbation. I have questioned him several times and he said he didn't do anything else apart from mutual masturbation and I also know he didn't. But idk why these made up scenes keep flashing in my head. Apart from that I feel ok and not so worried. I just want a good sleep as these irrational thoughts are energy draining. To answer your question: I don't really have a coping mechanism
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1699033 tn?1514113133
This is all your OCD.  What have you done to help with these irrational thoughts?  You can't go through life thinking like this with every sexual experience you have.   Have you seen a therapist?  
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