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I HATE OCD!!!!
I am so tired of this, I don't want to livelike this anymore. I can't stand countingto four all the time in my head and doing so manythings four times and mulitples of four, like 12, 20, 28,32, and more times all the way up to 52, and then sometimes repeating it. I am so tired of doingmath in my head and having to land on good numbers and not the ones that I think are bad. I am SO TIRED OF THIS!!!! I keep praying to God to give me cancer or a heart attack and to please just take me back. Everyone around me thinks I'm crazy I think and that is making my ocd worse like fulfilled prophesy or something. I even repeat things and tell my daughter to repeat things and my boyfriend to repeat things. I think I am hurting my daughter and boyfriend, when they don't repeat the things I want them to I freak out. I don't want to hurt the people I love :'( it makes me hate myself more! I hate this I hate this I hate this! I wish God would take me back :'(. I don't know how to deal with this.
I hope you get better girl. I had the same thing. But it went away almost by itself by just ignoring it and giving it no importance because it is not important and after w hile and after some time you will stop doing this and stop thinking of this as important and as an importance. Also I think there is something wrong in your counting way up there with the numbers you presented.
Hey again
I found it really hard doing 'exposure' type work. I'll not give you examples of my OCD in case it gives you more OCD things to think about....lol
But initially I kept worrying if I leave this, or do this, someone will get hurt. But I remember seeing a graph in the OCD book I read, if we keep doing the 'rituals' we will get some relief, but then the worry will come back again and we have to do the ritual again to get relief, but it will come back again, and so on. But if we decide OK, I don't actually need to do this ritual bcs there is no risk/not enough risk to worry about - you might experience a lot of anxiety, but if you stick it out, eventually you won't have anxiety about that thing anymore as you're letting your mind know 'it wasn't actually a threat!' Another thing i read in the OCD book was if we chose to change our rituals - OK we fear something bad will happen, but our OCD will get better. However if we don't stop the rituals, we will always have OCD. Its really hard to give it up, but the book says it WILL feel risky bcs we've programmed our mind to believe it is, so it takes time and feels so uncomfortable but I feel I am getting much better, I just have to sit with the uncomfortableness. What I do is actually check stuff with my parents and think 'If Mum is willing to take a risk with that, then I can.' Eventually i want to be able to do this myself but my therapist said it is good bcs it normalises the things for me and eventually I will be able to do that myself. Have you got anyone to help you?
I found it really hard doing 'exposure' type work. I'll not give you examples of my OCD in case it gives you more OCD things to think about....lol
But initially I kept worrying if I leave this, or do this, someone will get hurt. But I remember seeing a graph in the OCD book I read, if we keep doing the 'rituals' we will get some relief, but then the worry will come back again and we have to do the ritual again to get relief, but it will come back again, and so on. But if we decide OK, I don't actually need to do this ritual bcs there is no risk/not enough risk to worry about - you might experience a lot of anxiety, but if you stick it out, eventually you won't have anxiety about that thing anymore as you're letting your mind know 'it wasn't actually a threat!' Another thing i read in the OCD book was if we chose to change our rituals - OK we fear something bad will happen, but our OCD will get better. However if we don't stop the rituals, we will always have OCD. Its really hard to give it up, but the book says it WILL feel risky bcs we've programmed our mind to believe it is, so it takes time and feels so uncomfortable but I feel I am getting much better, I just have to sit with the uncomfortableness. What I do is actually check stuff with my parents and think 'If Mum is willing to take a risk with that, then I can.' Eventually i want to be able to do this myself but my therapist said it is good bcs it normalises the things for me and eventually I will be able to do that myself. Have you got anyone to help you?
Thank you all for your reassurance and advice. Lily I tried to watch that video, but I am afraid of picking up other people's ocd, I just couldn't watch it for more than ten minutes. They were focussing too much on her compulsions and repeating them so many times, that I just couldn't watch it anymore. But I hear you about working with your psychiatrist and meeting them halfway. I have my second appointment in a couple of days. I am really worried about the CBT and exposure therapy. I don't want to write down on paper over and over that I would do terrible things! I am afraid of beleiving what I write, I might tell him that no I am not going to do it. I liked your idea your therapist has you replace bad thoughts with positive ones.
OCD is a terrible state but once you understand your condition I think it becomes much easier to work with and little by little you can see progress in changing your behaviour. Once you get started in recovery it becomes easier to do more and more progression. Did you ever watch Paul Mc Kenna work with OCD? This video helped me realise we need to meet our psychologist/psychiatrist halfway with changing our behaviours
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_JOZPbkD4zY
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_JOZPbkD4zY
I completely understand what you are going through. About 3 or 4 weeks ago I was put on the generic brand of Luvox called Fluvoxamine. I kept waking up with panic attacks which give you bad heart palpitations and I had suicidal ideations. It was terrible. You really need to call your doctor and let him know these thoughts you are having. I immediatly got off the medication. I think you should call him now and ASAP. I am on something different now and I am going through the side effects of the anxiety and fear and stomach aches and just waiting for it to get better. So hang in there I understand everthing you are going through. Keep me updated and call your doctor. God Bless
Controlled breathing actually does help. You take a deep breath in through your nose and you hold it for five seconds and count this out in your head and then let it all out through your mouth. it is possible to be hyperventilating without knowing you are doing it. So you holding your breath will actually help you to some degree...you just need to perfect this technique.
Six days is not long into it and I'm sorry that you have to wait but OMG....it is so worth the wait. DO NOT throw in the towel too early. God knows I wanted to and it was this anxiety form on MedHelp where people said just give it time...the light bulb will turn on and you will feel better and damn if they weren't right. It was like a light switch went on for me.
When we take any medication there are always side effects and possible warnings along with it. I think what I'm taking says it can cause seizures. I make note of my reaction to the medication and let the doctor know...I don't worry about things that rarely ever occur. All I know is that the meds work and they work well for me. The benzo may help so may need to talk to your doc if you are having a particularly hard time of it.
As far as laying in bed and thinking about dying...well what do we do when we have OCD? We look for closure and when we aren't finding that, well then we get depressed and start thinking "what if I just went to sleep and never woke up again then my problems would be solved." Well I guess you can look at it that way but what a waste because this is a highly treatable disease and you are only thinking this way becasue you are depressed. if you could have seen me two years ago crying hysterically in my doctor's office....trust me...I know exactly what you mean. But I promise you that you will get better.
Here are a couple of books to look into: The OCD Workbook: Your Guide to Breaking Free of OCD and also Self-Coaching by Joseph Luciani. I found both to be very informative and helpful.
post again and let us know how you are doing.
Six days is not long into it and I'm sorry that you have to wait but OMG....it is so worth the wait. DO NOT throw in the towel too early. God knows I wanted to and it was this anxiety form on MedHelp where people said just give it time...the light bulb will turn on and you will feel better and damn if they weren't right. It was like a light switch went on for me.
When we take any medication there are always side effects and possible warnings along with it. I think what I'm taking says it can cause seizures. I make note of my reaction to the medication and let the doctor know...I don't worry about things that rarely ever occur. All I know is that the meds work and they work well for me. The benzo may help so may need to talk to your doc if you are having a particularly hard time of it.
As far as laying in bed and thinking about dying...well what do we do when we have OCD? We look for closure and when we aren't finding that, well then we get depressed and start thinking "what if I just went to sleep and never woke up again then my problems would be solved." Well I guess you can look at it that way but what a waste because this is a highly treatable disease and you are only thinking this way becasue you are depressed. if you could have seen me two years ago crying hysterically in my doctor's office....trust me...I know exactly what you mean. But I promise you that you will get better.
Here are a couple of books to look into: The OCD Workbook: Your Guide to Breaking Free of OCD and also Self-Coaching by Joseph Luciani. I found both to be very informative and helpful.
post again and let us know how you are doing.
Thank you both so much. I also sent a message to your inbox. I have only been taking the Zoloft (Sertraline) 25mg for six days now, and I have been thinking about dying more I think. Something that really scared me later when thinking about it was that yesterday I layed in bed and would just think about it, and it felt like I wanted to think about it like it was comforting me or making me feel better to think about it, like it was a solution or something that gave me something to think about. I would also try to hold my breath and listen tomy heart beat slower.Then later I realized how messed up that was. I want this rollercoaster and baddream to be over. I hope the medication is not making me think more about dying. I hope the medicationwill start to work soon, and that I won't have these bad side affects every time its increased, if this is a side affect, I am also very depressed already from the OCD, so I don't know if this is a side affect or not. But I don't remember wanting to lay around and think about it before like it brought me relief or comfort to even think about it, and like I actually wanted to think about it. That is really messed up! I am 24, and a video about antidepressents and suicidal thoughts on this website said that it can, but not always, increase suicidal thoughts in the first 4-6 weeks in people under the age of 24. Am I in that age category, I turned 24 in march this year. I want this bad dream to be over, I hate this and I hate this process of having things get worse before they get better? Ugh....Also I have been having heart palpatations for the past few weeks randomly, but I don't know if I am having panic attacks or not, I think my pulse gets elevated a little bit, but other than that its the same OCD and anxiety, is that a panic attack?
I am going through the same thing you are. I just wanted to know if the medicine is helping? I just started mine. Hang in there I just remember that I have God and Jesus and that everything is going to be ok and that its all my OCD it isn't true the things I think. God bless and I'll be praying for you. Remember you have God and Jesus to!!
Next time you see someone ask them about "exposure" therapy. Yes, writing down your thoughts is good and you are supposed to replace them with positive statements of fact. But what I did, and remember I'm not a doctor so you need to pass it by them first, I would go into a dark room and close my eyes and picture myself hurting my husband. And what I quickly realized is that I'm not that person. That is not something I would ever do. And if the thought came back, I would go and do the same therapy. Eventually, there was no more fear because I knew it wasn't something I could ever do in real life.
I met with the psychiatrist the hostpial referred me to, but I am just seeing him for therapy until I get set up somewhere else locally. It feels like I will have to keep explaining things to different people I am seeing, like going through my story all over again. Oh well. He mentioned starting me on a tricycline, but we decided on zoloft (sertraline) 25mg right now, the lowest dose, and then I think he will go up gradually from there. He said the higher doses of prozac and zoloft are known for helping with ocd. Also I had been on 25mg of zoloft (sertraline) in the last month of my pregnancy and stayed on it for a year after my daughter was born, and I told him I don't really remember side affects then, but then again the ocd was not as bad for me at that time, in fact I didn't realize I had it then, even though it was so mild at the time (that was three years ago though too).
I really hope the ocd does not get worse in the first weeks...I really hope....I jsut don't knowi f I can handle it. And it has been causing me severe depression, and I know the sertraline will help with that first before the OCD he said. He actually said that it might be a few months before I notice the OCD getting better. Sigh...this is like one of the worst medical conditions I think. For me to be praying to God for a heart attack or cancer, sounds pretty weird and uncalled for to most people, they just don't know how unbearable the suffering is and can be.
The psychiatrist did mention CBT and exposure therapy, I am actually afraid of it. It sounds terrible :(. He said I would have to write terrible things down on paper over and over again, like that I would hurt someone in a really bad way, I can't even write it out right now! He said it sounds reallybad, but that its supposed to work. I said how do you know its not going to tell me to do it, like brainwashing!? I'm so afraid of doing these things. Big sigh, thank you for the support, its really good and helpful to know that you have been through this and it was really bad for you and you got out of this way of thinking or behavior.
He alsosaid that the OCD willalways be there and maybe even not noticable but that I have to be aware of it and make sure I notice when I start having OCD behavior again so that I can stop it or go back to therapy I guess. So it sounds like I am going to be obsessed with OCD, I don't know how that is going to help me live a regular free worry free life again.
I really hope the ocd does not get worse in the first weeks...I really hope....I jsut don't knowi f I can handle it. And it has been causing me severe depression, and I know the sertraline will help with that first before the OCD he said. He actually said that it might be a few months before I notice the OCD getting better. Sigh...this is like one of the worst medical conditions I think. For me to be praying to God for a heart attack or cancer, sounds pretty weird and uncalled for to most people, they just don't know how unbearable the suffering is and can be.
The psychiatrist did mention CBT and exposure therapy, I am actually afraid of it. It sounds terrible :(. He said I would have to write terrible things down on paper over and over again, like that I would hurt someone in a really bad way, I can't even write it out right now! He said it sounds reallybad, but that its supposed to work. I said how do you know its not going to tell me to do it, like brainwashing!? I'm so afraid of doing these things. Big sigh, thank you for the support, its really good and helpful to know that you have been through this and it was really bad for you and you got out of this way of thinking or behavior.
He alsosaid that the OCD willalways be there and maybe even not noticable but that I have to be aware of it and make sure I notice when I start having OCD behavior again so that I can stop it or go back to therapy I guess. So it sounds like I am going to be obsessed with OCD, I don't know how that is going to help me live a regular free worry free life again.
Okay...the good news is that you do have an appointment today. Make sure you tell the psychiatrist everything. Stress for a person makes OCD worse and it sounds like you have a lot of stress in your home life so make sure he/she knows about that.
As far as the hurting people, etc. I have been there. I was afraid I would hurt my husband, my kids, all that. I was a checker....you name it I have probably thought it and catastrophized it. But I'm here to tell you that you can get better and the reason I know this is because I got better. So don't for get that!
One of the side effects of the meds is that they do make the symptoms worse in the beginning. At least when I upped my medication, I had to go through that. So I took klonopin (a benzodiazeping) when times were especially rough just to get me through to the point when the meds were built up to a steady state and working well which usually takes about 4 to 6 weeks. Toughing it out may be a necessary evil here I'm afraid to say. I had to do it but the rewards at the end far outweigh the cons of those 4 to 6 weeks.
Just know that these irrational thoughts that OCD people think...the hurting others...we don't act on them.
When you see the psychiatrist, talk to him/her about learning cognitive behavioral therapy. These are techniques that you can use to help yourself while the medication is building up and also after the meds have built up. The fact is we are never going to be OCD-free but the meds help us to say "whatever" to these stupid thoughts. But for me, sometimes I will have a panic attack and so I fall back on my CBT to help me with that. Actually I'm so good at it now that I can usually stop one before it starts or stop it if it does start.
People who do not have OCD do not understand. You hope that they will be supportive but the fact is that if they don't have it then they don't get it. And heaping stress on you is not helping.
Good luck and let us know how your appointment went!
Take care of you!
As far as the hurting people, etc. I have been there. I was afraid I would hurt my husband, my kids, all that. I was a checker....you name it I have probably thought it and catastrophized it. But I'm here to tell you that you can get better and the reason I know this is because I got better. So don't for get that!
One of the side effects of the meds is that they do make the symptoms worse in the beginning. At least when I upped my medication, I had to go through that. So I took klonopin (a benzodiazeping) when times were especially rough just to get me through to the point when the meds were built up to a steady state and working well which usually takes about 4 to 6 weeks. Toughing it out may be a necessary evil here I'm afraid to say. I had to do it but the rewards at the end far outweigh the cons of those 4 to 6 weeks.
Just know that these irrational thoughts that OCD people think...the hurting others...we don't act on them.
When you see the psychiatrist, talk to him/her about learning cognitive behavioral therapy. These are techniques that you can use to help yourself while the medication is building up and also after the meds have built up. The fact is we are never going to be OCD-free but the meds help us to say "whatever" to these stupid thoughts. But for me, sometimes I will have a panic attack and so I fall back on my CBT to help me with that. Actually I'm so good at it now that I can usually stop one before it starts or stop it if it does start.
People who do not have OCD do not understand. You hope that they will be supportive but the fact is that if they don't have it then they don't get it. And heaping stress on you is not helping.
Good luck and let us know how your appointment went!
Take care of you!
My obgyn didn't know what to prescribe so she took me to the ER and sat there with me for five hours for a psychological eval. It was so embarrasing and they don't treat you with very much dignity, but at least she stayed with me, and there was actually a crazy person there shouting the whole time so that was very distracting. The social worker gave us a psychiatrist at the hospital the make an appointment with and I have an appointment today. My obgyn originally had me try the generic Lexapro (escitalopram) 5mg, and it made me feel like the symptoms were worse, and maybe a side affect of feeling aggresive and more irritable, and I took that for a month, but now that I've been off of it for a month the ocd symptoms are just as bad or worse, so I have no idea why. I looked up that some poeplewho took that before had withraw symptoms for weeks and maybe even months, but that was the lowest dose, I don't know if that is probable.
I am 24 and living with my parents and 21 yr old sister, they all have been hyperanalyzing everything I do all the time for years,especially after I became a parent they tell me that I'mnot doing this right or that right one hundred times a day. Now that I confided in my mom that I had ocd and I think everyone in the house found out, they treat me even worse and are even more hyperanalytical of everything I do, and tellingme that something is wrongwith me and that I need help and making me feel like I'm crazy, and that is making the ocd evenworse I think. So maybe it would have gotten worse regardless of the low dose Lexapro (escitalopram), but I definately felt very jittery and like ocd worse since the first couple of day s of taking it.
They have been telling me and making me feel like for four years since my daughter was born that I'mnot a good parent. I have been trying my best. I think that they have an analyzing problem and verbal abuse problem, esp. my dad and younger sister.
But it has been really gettting to me lately like maybe I am really bad and maybe my daughter and boyfriend would be better off without me. I think because of them doing this to me it has made me develop a fear of hurting my child, another terrible form of ocd (from what I've been researching).
I have been afraid to move out for years just because I am afraid of being alone or just the idea of living by myself with my daughter sounds so lonely and I'm afraid of break-ins and I lock the doors a lot. But now with this other fear of being a bad parent or having obsessions of bad thoughts or fears of hurting people, I am even more afraid to move out and live by ourselves. It's a terrible cycle I don't know how to get out of. I think I know I have to move out for me and my daughters own well being and sanity, but I am just so afraid.
I am afraid to try different meds, I doon't want the other symptoms that might come along with them, and I don't want them to make the ocd even worse again, it is already unbearable right now. I really just wish I wasn't alive anymore, I don't know how to live like this, I hate it and its driving me crazy (figuratively). I hate people around treating me even worse, not that they ever really treated me well, except for my mom who is now acting different with me too. I think I have been living with it mildly for years, maybe even in my childhood, locking the front door and then in the past few years it would mostly come out at night when I was in my room away from people and I would have to scan the room many times before turning out the light and going to bed. But it just got worse eight months ago, and really bad and unbearable three months ago.
I am 24 and living with my parents and 21 yr old sister, they all have been hyperanalyzing everything I do all the time for years,especially after I became a parent they tell me that I'mnot doing this right or that right one hundred times a day. Now that I confided in my mom that I had ocd and I think everyone in the house found out, they treat me even worse and are even more hyperanalytical of everything I do, and tellingme that something is wrongwith me and that I need help and making me feel like I'm crazy, and that is making the ocd evenworse I think. So maybe it would have gotten worse regardless of the low dose Lexapro (escitalopram), but I definately felt very jittery and like ocd worse since the first couple of day s of taking it.
They have been telling me and making me feel like for four years since my daughter was born that I'mnot a good parent. I have been trying my best. I think that they have an analyzing problem and verbal abuse problem, esp. my dad and younger sister.
But it has been really gettting to me lately like maybe I am really bad and maybe my daughter and boyfriend would be better off without me. I think because of them doing this to me it has made me develop a fear of hurting my child, another terrible form of ocd (from what I've been researching).
I have been afraid to move out for years just because I am afraid of being alone or just the idea of living by myself with my daughter sounds so lonely and I'm afraid of break-ins and I lock the doors a lot. But now with this other fear of being a bad parent or having obsessions of bad thoughts or fears of hurting people, I am even more afraid to move out and live by ourselves. It's a terrible cycle I don't know how to get out of. I think I know I have to move out for me and my daughters own well being and sanity, but I am just so afraid.
I am afraid to try different meds, I doon't want the other symptoms that might come along with them, and I don't want them to make the ocd even worse again, it is already unbearable right now. I really just wish I wasn't alive anymore, I don't know how to live like this, I hate it and its driving me crazy (figuratively). I hate people around treating me even worse, not that they ever really treated me well, except for my mom who is now acting different with me too. I think I have been living with it mildly for years, maybe even in my childhood, locking the front door and then in the past few years it would mostly come out at night when I was in my room away from people and I would have to scan the room many times before turning out the light and going to bed. But it just got worse eight months ago, and really bad and unbearable three months ago.
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