I can't take hocd any more

[Rev19]

I'm getting to the point where I want to be dead I can't take it anymore Iv been told to accept it and it will go away and my atract for women will come back but it bothers the hell out of me. I never even had these ******* thoughtd till my senior year and it's been a year now I want them ******* gone I love women and want to be with them I can't and just simply don't and find it uncomfortable to think of being with another guy yet when I did have these thoughts i would look at a super hot girl and I would be rock hard and I have dreams about them. I want my lust back I want it to end. Iv tryed to ignore it but it literally is taking over me I want it to end its literally making me want to just die.

[JGF25]

What happened the last time you went in to see your doctor?  Did you discuss adding a benzo to help you get through this right now so you can get some relief.  Sometimes being in the thought for so long makes it so that you forget what it feels like to feel good again.  Let me know.  Also, any talk of changing meds?  

You have a history of OCD...this is just one more thought on the OCD superhighway.  We want to find closure on our thoughts and this is one of those thoughts that closure really isn't possible and trust me there are people who went to the extreme of being with the same sex just to prove that they didn't like it.  I don't suggest you do that.  AND I want you to know that while I know that this is very difficult right now, this is not how your life is going to be forever.  

[Rev19]

Not to mention I don't want to do anything anymore I like make up excuses to not get out of my house all I do is go to the gym and straight home and go to my room and stay there. I know it hocd but I just im tired of it. I use to not want to watch tv. Every day I look up how to best hocd and it says not to it just makes it worse and I look at straight porn to get rid of the stress. I just want my normal life back.