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I can't take this anymore feels like denial
[quote="Selmakay"]Hi everyone let me get everything of my chest
I'm 20 I have a boyfriend/fiancé that I've been with for the past 3 years I'm a female btw I'm pregnant now. So once I got really high and had a panic attack I think that's when my ocd has been triggered after that event I have been thinking that I have lost my memory and I didn't know who I was anymore I I was always panicking and had this really bad anxiety I couldn't think straight I was thinking that I've gone crazy I couldn't get the horrible thoughts out of my head it was a night mare I've been on obsessing about it for over 7 months before that I have been obsessed about my hair I would check my hair if they're falling out of go crazy if saw more than one hair on my hand , I would pull them out u top they completely stopped falling that's where I felt happy again. I then stopped my obsession by promising my self that I will have a hair transplant ever since then I felt okay no more obsessing. Then I conceived myself that my eyes were too small my forehead too big my face too fat I'd slap myself for feeling ugly but then I promised myself that I will get a surgery done and I felt happy again didn't bother me again. So when I was going through the my weed obsession I thought it'd be a good idea to watch porn I watched porn like 2/3 times a day even if I didn't feel like it I forced myself I moved on into some weird things like gay, lesbian, throat ******* I'm sorry for the language :( the things I found disgusting aroused me I watched a lot of lesbian porn even though gay porn gave me bigger sex drive I find it too repulsive to watch it as I had enough of straight porn. I watched it so much to the point where I didn't feel much pleasure from having sex with my boyfriend I was still enjoying it I still loved it. I felt disgusted everytime I finished watching porn I never found girls sexually attractive in real life I was kinda grossed out when it came to gay people... I'm really sorry for saying that ! I support u and I'm happy for u gay people that your happy being gay I have nothing against it. But then one day I  was having sex with my boyfriend and I imagined a lesbian sex scene from porn and I climaxed I didn that twice in my life after quitting porn, then one day I was watching a movie and someo one came out being gay and then I thought what if I'm gay ?! Oh my the terror ! I started to shake I started to throw up I couldn't stay still I couldn't sit down in one place I was so scarred I just didn't know what was happening to me... I literally thought I turned gay but it just didn't feel right so I went to sleep and I had a gay dream I woke up worried more than ever I just couldn't think straight anymore .. I had to sleep with my mum I stopped going to college I stopped studying for a while and when j came back to college I was on my phone all the time looking for answers, and then I found hocd I felt like it described what I was going through. I was so happy I felt like myself again I still loved my boyfriend I still liked guys I still didn't feel anything for girls. Then after awhile I started to doubt I have hocd I started to notice girls my attraction to guys wasn't there anymore it was just not as strong.... It terrifies me I thought there was o chance I coiuld be straight anymore, I still had sex with my boyfriend I still liked it. I stopped seeing my friends as I was scared I might start to like them in a different way, I stopped texting my friends I avoided females I even stopped cuddling my mum. I remember some gay guy in my class borrowed my pen and then he gave it back to me I panicked and went to wash the pen as I felt uncomfortable touching it, I felt really bad becuase that guy was really sweet to me but I just couldn't help. Then one day a girl that looked gay to me was sat in front of me and spoke to my friends and then she just touched my boots I felt like they were in fire as soon as I got back hope I went to throw them away, my mum asked my why so I told her I didn't like them anymore and she told me to give it to her so I didn't but I told her to wash them. One morning I woke up form a gay dream and I just couldn't take the anxiety anymore I was literally convinced that I turned gay that the porn turned me gay :,( I went to psychologist and told her about my situation as I was I really depressed and didn't wanna tell my mum. She said that what I'm going through is hocd and told me not to worry because I'm straight but I just haven ocd. I felt back to normal for a few days but then I felt like I didn't tell her everything that I didnt tell her about me watching lesbian porn I freaked out again. Now my brain is telling me I'm accepting the fact that I'm gay because I don't even feel disgusted anymore( no more anxiety). The past 4 days been the wore I feel like I really am bi because I read on Internet that's how bi people felt and that they even had hocd for a while :,( I'm so depressed! I'm pregnant and I can't think of anything else but this obsession I can't stop thinking I'm really bi, it's  making me so uncomfortable so so uncomfortable I've been throwing up for that reason I'm so scared it feels like I' don't even like kissing my boyfriend anymore I can't take this anymore I feel like I'm in denial !! I don't know who I am anymore I really hope this ocd :,( please help me guys I really don't enact to be gay it would destroy my life my whole identity. I used to love boys boys attention I would make myself look pretty just so guys could hit on me. I really can't believe i could be gay :( males were so important to me before all this ! I was boy crazy I miss myself :(( I want my attraction and my life back this is not me I'm depressed all the time I've been depressed for the past 3 months I'm so careless about my life right now I pray to God that if I'm gay I want to die. Because i wouldn't rather be dead no offence

Sorry for making it so long
Thank m you in advance I pray for all ocd sufferers[/quote]
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You are suffering from ocd and you are pregnant also which is  adding stress into your life.You cannot argue logically with ocd, because ocd thoughts are irrational.The point is the only solution is to get treated , due to pregnancy you might not take medicines so you can look for cognitive behavior therapy.

A psychologist specialized in ocd would help you, you can also take help from the book"Overcoming Obsessive Thoughts: How to Gain Control of Your OCD " by christine purdon.
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