I don't know wether this is HOCD or not anymore.

[Joelbergann]

HOCD and past Experiences as a child.

Recently I have suffered from HOCD or SO OCD. I'm 15 and have a girlfriend that I have been very happy with in the past and I can see a very bright future with her. Lately I have been self diagnosed with HOCD. The initial trigger of this fear of becoming Homosexual was when I brought my past up as a child. As a kid around 7 or 8 years old I had two gay experiences with the same sex (I didn't know what being gay was back then.) I am now 15 and I somehow rethought those experiences. After those experiences when I was a child, were forgotten for about 4 years. The thought of me being attracted to the same sex repulses me now and have been in complete doubt of my sexual orientation for about 2 months now. I can't go through one day without these horrible thoughts popping into my head that are really not wanted.

The HOCD has gotten so bad that I have gotten to the point where I'm so exhausted and I feel okay with being homosexual (which is not what I want deep down) I need answers because I'm at my wits end. I'm afraid that I might be "coming out" as if I have always been homosexual because of my past experiences.

On another note I have been compulsively checking because the thoughts seem so real to me. I have read on a page that the only thing homosexuals are afraid of is the though of other people thinking something of them. I am afraid of my girlfriend thinking of me that I'm gay (which I'm not) and I'm constantly checking for signs that I'm not gay. Please help.

[Joelbergann]

Sorry to hear about your Trans-OCD, lately I have been self diagnosed with Transgender OCD aswell. I went through the exact same process as you Zamyou, so don't feel alone. I started off with the fear of being gay or bi and now I'm more scared of the compulsive thought of me becoming the opposite gender which is a horrible feeling.

I'm going to start seeing a psychiatrist soon, and hopefully will be cure of this horrible disorder. Just remember you're not alone and there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

-Joel

[Zamyou]

Dude, i have the same thing except i have Trans-OCD althought in the past i had HOCD too...
I know that fear ur in denial very well, or that u dont feel anxiety.. or even worse, that you feel "excitement" or a feeling of being ok with being gay or whatever.. its like a "good" feeling but then immidiately you get anxious and paniced like "wtf is going on am i gay??"

Just hang in there an OCD specialist told me fear of not feeling anxiety is OCD too !

[PatchedSoul]

If you haven't yet, try talking to your parents about what's going on. Then maybe see if they can set you up for an appointment and get you settled so you can get the help you need.

[PatchedSoul]

I've heard multiple times that you're born with your sexuality. You can't be straight all your life then BOOM! you're gay, that's not how it works. That's partly why I thought I have HOCD but it's also because I'm showing signs of OCD. The best thing you can do is go see a psychiatrist or counselor. I haven't gone yet, my family is tight on money right now but once we're in the clear id like to go back to my counselor I had last year that helped me with ADHD (diagnosed with it for 7-8 years), focus, self confidence, self esteem and my anger outbursts towards my parents. Anxiety is often tied to ADHD. OCD is an anxiety disorder if you didn't already know. A professional could treat you with OCD and put you on meds but they often have symptoms. They could help you with CBT-cognitive behavior therapy which is to help replace negative thoughts with positive ones. They could teach you techniques on how to get rid of the fear and worry behind the thoughts and help with breathing when you feel a panic attack coming on (if you have those) or when a negative thought is coming forth in your mind.  

[PatchedSoul]

Hi there, I'm a 15 year old female and I've diagnosed myself with HOCD as well. I think I've had bouts of OCD in the past but this is by far the worst fear I've compulsively thought about and obsessively worried about. Though HOCD (while not an official clinical diagnoses) is mostly seen in teen males but it's not necessarily abnormal to be seen in females as well. I've been miserable almost my whole summer because of this, I know how you feel. I use to have a boyfriend and though we didn't do much (we were both really shy) I still enjoyed being with him.