Aa
I just want this to stop...
Hello,
I probably should have posted here a while ago, because I have a very long history of anxiety and OCD-like symptoms. I have had fears/obsessions about getting breast cancer, MS, and other serious illnesses. Most recently, I had what I think was an HIV scare, even though many have said it was a low or no risk situation. However, everyone has had a different opinion (e.g. this site, other HIV sites, my own doctor, nurses at clinics, CDC). It has caused me so much anxiety to not get a clear answer and I am still really struggling.
I have feared contracting HIV for a few years now and it has worsened in the context of an unhealthy relationship I continue to allow myself to be in (long story). I also have had several serious health scares in my life and have some chronic illness (none life-threatening, though and well-managed). Anyway, this man and I had protected sex back in July, but when he withdrew the condom was left inside me and hanging out a bit. Semen did spill out on the bed, but I never knew for sure if any leaked out inside of me before he withdrew or when he did. I thought I felt some, but I am really not sure. I have been so scared of contracting HIV since this time. He told me he is negative, but I don't know for sure as he has lied and hidden things from me in the past. I made a mistake sleeping with him again and I wake up everyday scared that mistake has changed my life completely.
I have had multiple HIV tests at almost 9 weeks, 11, weeks, 12 weeks, 14 weeks, and most recently 16 weeks-all antibody tests-all negative. I would feel relieved after each one, but then I would talk to my doctor or read the CDC website about those "3%" that take longer to produce antibodies and become convinced once again that I have HIV. I have called the CDC and they still say "6 months is conclusive" because "everyone is different". My own doctor said that HIV tests are not fully conclusive until 6 months (which of course really scared me again), but felt it was "unlikely" that I would seroconvert now. I don't know if I can make it through these next several weeks, if I do need a 6 month test (which would be in January) and if there is a possibility my results could change in that time. Is there? I am convinced I will be that small percentage that will take longer... and I can't stop thinking that way. Unfortunately, I have been the "smaller percentage" with a couple of the medical issues I do have, which only fuels my anxiety further.
I wake up every morning consumed by this. I act as if I have the disease and have begun to grieve never getting married or having children. I am sad and withdrawn all the time. I have lost almost 10 pounds in a few weeks. I will be seeing a psychologist tomorrow, so I am hopeful she can help me. Is there any advice or guidance you have? Even just some words of encouragement? This whole situation has gotten so out of control-I am overwhelmed by what is happening and how anxious I have become. I have never felt this anxious in my whole life. :(
Sorry this is so long, Thank you for reading and for your help.
I probably should have posted here a while ago, because I have a very long history of anxiety and OCD-like symptoms. I have had fears/obsessions about getting breast cancer, MS, and other serious illnesses. Most recently, I had what I think was an HIV scare, even though many have said it was a low or no risk situation. However, everyone has had a different opinion (e.g. this site, other HIV sites, my own doctor, nurses at clinics, CDC). It has caused me so much anxiety to not get a clear answer and I am still really struggling.
I have feared contracting HIV for a few years now and it has worsened in the context of an unhealthy relationship I continue to allow myself to be in (long story). I also have had several serious health scares in my life and have some chronic illness (none life-threatening, though and well-managed). Anyway, this man and I had protected sex back in July, but when he withdrew the condom was left inside me and hanging out a bit. Semen did spill out on the bed, but I never knew for sure if any leaked out inside of me before he withdrew or when he did. I thought I felt some, but I am really not sure. I have been so scared of contracting HIV since this time. He told me he is negative, but I don't know for sure as he has lied and hidden things from me in the past. I made a mistake sleeping with him again and I wake up everyday scared that mistake has changed my life completely.
I have had multiple HIV tests at almost 9 weeks, 11, weeks, 12 weeks, 14 weeks, and most recently 16 weeks-all antibody tests-all negative. I would feel relieved after each one, but then I would talk to my doctor or read the CDC website about those "3%" that take longer to produce antibodies and become convinced once again that I have HIV. I have called the CDC and they still say "6 months is conclusive" because "everyone is different". My own doctor said that HIV tests are not fully conclusive until 6 months (which of course really scared me again), but felt it was "unlikely" that I would seroconvert now. I don't know if I can make it through these next several weeks, if I do need a 6 month test (which would be in January) and if there is a possibility my results could change in that time. Is there? I am convinced I will be that small percentage that will take longer... and I can't stop thinking that way. Unfortunately, I have been the "smaller percentage" with a couple of the medical issues I do have, which only fuels my anxiety further.
I wake up every morning consumed by this. I act as if I have the disease and have begun to grieve never getting married or having children. I am sad and withdrawn all the time. I have lost almost 10 pounds in a few weeks. I will be seeing a psychologist tomorrow, so I am hopeful she can help me. Is there any advice or guidance you have? Even just some words of encouragement? This whole situation has gotten so out of control-I am overwhelmed by what is happening and how anxious I have become. I have never felt this anxious in my whole life. :(
Sorry this is so long, Thank you for reading and for your help.
Thank you to all who have responded. I appreciate your support.
I did write to thebody.com and I received a response from the doctor on there that said my results were conclusive after 90 days. I did feel better after receiving that. But, then I start thinking about what my GYN doctor said and the CDC about "taking a test a 6 months to be sure". It is so unbelievable how much inconsistency there is!! It almost seems like medical people are more concerned with liability issues than with patients' emotional health. I am really trying to listen to the expert doctors on here and the experts in the forums on here, body.com, Aidsmeds.com. They have all given me helpful information and I feel like they know the most as some are either living with HIV, do research on HIV, or our infectious disease specialists.
I still wake up in the morning thinking I am one of the small percentage to take 6 months to seroconvert, or that the symptoms I had a week after the episode (GI issues, fatigue, mild fever) was not just a stomach bug or food poisoning, but ARS. But then I think, if that were true, wouldn't I have developed antibodies by now!?!? It is hard. I am still struggling with whether or not I get a test at 6 months, we'll see..
Dolphin, thank you for your post. We seem to have a lot of similarities. I am glad to hear you are doing better, overall. I hope, with the help of my psychologist, I can get a better handle on things too.
Lost, I hope you are doing well this week.
Thanks again for your help and comments-it means a lot!
I did write to thebody.com and I received a response from the doctor on there that said my results were conclusive after 90 days. I did feel better after receiving that. But, then I start thinking about what my GYN doctor said and the CDC about "taking a test a 6 months to be sure". It is so unbelievable how much inconsistency there is!! It almost seems like medical people are more concerned with liability issues than with patients' emotional health. I am really trying to listen to the expert doctors on here and the experts in the forums on here, body.com, Aidsmeds.com. They have all given me helpful information and I feel like they know the most as some are either living with HIV, do research on HIV, or our infectious disease specialists.
I still wake up in the morning thinking I am one of the small percentage to take 6 months to seroconvert, or that the symptoms I had a week after the episode (GI issues, fatigue, mild fever) was not just a stomach bug or food poisoning, but ARS. But then I think, if that were true, wouldn't I have developed antibodies by now!?!? It is hard. I am still struggling with whether or not I get a test at 6 months, we'll see..
Dolphin, thank you for your post. We seem to have a lot of similarities. I am glad to hear you are doing better, overall. I hope, with the help of my psychologist, I can get a better handle on things too.
Lost, I hope you are doing well this week.
Thanks again for your help and comments-it means a lot!
12 weeks is conclusive according to all HIV experts. Your doctors probably do not deal with HIV on a regular basis, and are using outdated info. CDC also has to be ultra-conservative and never changes what they say until copious volumes of research have been done. Try thebody.com, a database of information from HIV experts in San Francisco who deal with HIV all the time. 4 weeks is basically conclusive. 12 weeks is absolutely conclusive. 6 months is the old standard on the old generation of tests, not the current fact.
This is very typical hypochondria trates, trust me, I know. I live with hypochondria AKA health anxiety. SSRIs have helped me level out but the thoughts are still there, they just do not always consume me. I have a mole, I think skin cancer, I have migraines, I think clot, I have palpitations, I think CAD, I have hip pain, I think bone cancer.
This is very typical for Health Anxiety and you are not alone but to break the cycle you have to work with your doctor. You need to get yourself a good therapist who can walk you through these steps. Its so very very important to get a good handle on this before it gets worse. I have lived with it for years and like I said, for the most part, it is controlled but its still always scary.
This is very typical for Health Anxiety and you are not alone but to break the cycle you have to work with your doctor. You need to get yourself a good therapist who can walk you through these steps. Its so very very important to get a good handle on this before it gets worse. I have lived with it for years and like I said, for the most part, it is controlled but its still always scary.
Im going through the same thing, and I know how you are feeling. Its a living hell. I have a 18 week negative and my Dr. also says have to wait until 6 months. I also feel I will be one of the rare ones to take longer than 3 months.
I also wake up and go to sleep every night thinking about this. Its horrible. Im sorry we are both going threw this, maybe we can help each other out.
I tried to email you back, but I think you have it blocked.
I also wake up and go to sleep every night thinking about this. Its horrible. Im sorry we are both going threw this, maybe we can help each other out.
I tried to email you back, but I think you have it blocked.
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