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I think I really am Gay/bi now, what should i do?
Hi , I've posted here many times about my hocd and other issues and they've remained about the same except my hocd now seems to either be just insanely intense or i really am just gay.
Let me say some of the weird things that really make me think i could be gay: I've started actually to think that i like my gay fantasies and i actually feel this strange gay lust feeling sometimes now like I think guys are hot, I get a weird nervous sick feeling from girls now like I felt when I had an ulcer kind of and i get all burpy , and I just feel like I really want to do gay things but I can't tell.
I've started to masturbate to guys before but i've always been too scared to ever orgasm to one until tonight when I was and i tried to switch to a girl but I didnt in time. I'm not sureit feels good because I want to have gay sex or if its just from rubbing more intensely when i get scared. I have what could be " false crushes" all the time and I constantly hve groinial responses.
Now let me give reasons why I dont think i am now: I masturbate girls all of the time, I was always straight before, When I think about guys I ussually get scared and my body tightens up (I felt relaxed tonight though, scary...it was alost like i wanted to come to a guy, or I just wanted to come because it felt good im not sure) , I just really thought I was straight and am so confused.
Is it normal to feel like you like it or like a gay lust feeling sometimes? Is it normal that I didnt freak out while I was masturbating, I feel like it was more that I liked the feeling than the guy i pictured but I dont know and i dont think I will ever get over this.
Let me say some of the weird things that really make me think i could be gay: I've started actually to think that i like my gay fantasies and i actually feel this strange gay lust feeling sometimes now like I think guys are hot, I get a weird nervous sick feeling from girls now like I felt when I had an ulcer kind of and i get all burpy , and I just feel like I really want to do gay things but I can't tell.
I've started to masturbate to guys before but i've always been too scared to ever orgasm to one until tonight when I was and i tried to switch to a girl but I didnt in time. I'm not sureit feels good because I want to have gay sex or if its just from rubbing more intensely when i get scared. I have what could be " false crushes" all the time and I constantly hve groinial responses.
Now let me give reasons why I dont think i am now: I masturbate girls all of the time, I was always straight before, When I think about guys I ussually get scared and my body tightens up (I felt relaxed tonight though, scary...it was alost like i wanted to come to a guy, or I just wanted to come because it felt good im not sure) , I just really thought I was straight and am so confused.
Is it normal to feel like you like it or like a gay lust feeling sometimes? Is it normal that I didnt freak out while I was masturbating, I feel like it was more that I liked the feeling than the guy i pictured but I dont know and i dont think I will ever get over this.
Dealing with OCD is something you're going to have to work on, in some respects, forever. You won't always need to be in ongoing therapy, but you probably will need it for a while at certain times. Also, there are many medications out there, you've only tried one.
To be honest, you're stuck in the same place a lot of people get stuck...feeling desperate, wanting to feel better, but yet, honestly, not doing much to help yourself. That has to change, or you will remain in the same spot.
I cannot stress enough the importance of diving into treatment. I recommend getting back in the saddle. Find a therapist who specializes in CBT if possible, and commit yourself for the long haul. Find a psychiatrist who can discuss medication options as well.
To be honest, you're stuck in the same place a lot of people get stuck...feeling desperate, wanting to feel better, but yet, honestly, not doing much to help yourself. That has to change, or you will remain in the same spot.
I cannot stress enough the importance of diving into treatment. I recommend getting back in the saddle. Find a therapist who specializes in CBT if possible, and commit yourself for the long haul. Find a psychiatrist who can discuss medication options as well.
I was in therapy for about 6 months with my last therapist and yes I was on prozac for a while but i hated it because not only could I not concentrate on the thoughts but I couldnt on anything and I constnatly felt to sick to do anything. I know I've been dealing with this for almost four years now I just don't know what to do
How long were you in therapy? Have you tried medications? You have to keep working on the treatment. Unfortunately, this is not something that will go away overnight. It takes time, work and patience to learn how to change those thought processes and reactions.
I don't know what to do I've had therapy for my ocd and it didnt help me at all.
Some days I feel confident that I am straight and others I severely doubt it.
I don't mean to test myself its just become a habit and I'm scared because gay sex is starting not to bother me so much now. I am reading a william s burroughs book right now and there are many gay sex scenes in it and alot of the times I get groinial respones to them but only an erection to girl scenes. But I get this kind of sick nervous feeling in my stomach with girls now and that scares me because I don't get that with gay stuff, I just hold my breath and clench my fists and toes not to get turned on.
Some days I feel confident that I am straight and others I severely doubt it.
I don't mean to test myself its just become a habit and I'm scared because gay sex is starting not to bother me so much now. I am reading a william s burroughs book right now and there are many gay sex scenes in it and alot of the times I get groinial respones to them but only an erection to girl scenes. But I get this kind of sick nervous feeling in my stomach with girls now and that scares me because I don't get that with gay stuff, I just hold my breath and clench my fists and toes not to get turned on.
The more you "test" yourself, the more confused you will become, and the worse your anxiety will become. Gay/bi people don't have to test, or figure it out, it's very clearly obvious to them that they are attracted to who they are attracted to.
IMO, this is 100% HOCD, and your testing behaviors are completely out of control.
IMO, this is 100% HOCD, and your testing behaviors are completely out of control.
Thank you so much for the reply I'm so confused. Today in class I started making myself have gay fantasies , something i do about every couple of hours and have been doing for three years. The thing that scared me is that I wasnt scared this time and the thoughts actually seemed apealing. This scared me so I imagined a fantasy with a female and actually got hard (I'm sorry I don't know how else to describe it).
Then when I came home from school I started having gay fantasies again and it really seemed like I was actually liking them which made me really scared, but then I calmed myself down and started touching down there which felt good and then I masturbated to the thoughts.
Afterwards I told myself "ok, now you know you're bi and its ok" and I tried to feel happy and tried to be exited to go back and read my william burroughs books and be able to enjoy the sex scenes , but I didn't feel happy at all, I felt terrified and began to cry. Why does it seem like I think these thoughts are hot now if I'm not bi and why do I have these thoughts if I'm straight?!:"( I used to get scared and hyperventalate to the thoughts and I used to never have groinal respones and now I have them constantly and I'm so confused and I just dont know!!!!
Then when I came home from school I started having gay fantasies again and it really seemed like I was actually liking them which made me really scared, but then I calmed myself down and started touching down there which felt good and then I masturbated to the thoughts.
Afterwards I told myself "ok, now you know you're bi and its ok" and I tried to feel happy and tried to be exited to go back and read my william burroughs books and be able to enjoy the sex scenes , but I didn't feel happy at all, I felt terrified and began to cry. Why does it seem like I think these thoughts are hot now if I'm not bi and why do I have these thoughts if I'm straight?!:"( I used to get scared and hyperventalate to the thoughts and I used to never have groinal respones and now I have them constantly and I'm so confused and I just dont know!!!!
Thank you so much for the reply I'm so confused. Today in class I started making myself have gay fantasies , something i do about every couple of hours and have been doing for three years. The thing that scared me is that I wasnt scared this time and the thoughts actually seemed apealing. This scared me so I imagined a fantasy with a female and actually got hard (I'm sorry I don't know how else to describe it).
Then when I came home from school I started having gay fantasies again and it really seemed like I was actually liking them which made me really scared, but then I calmed myself down and started touching down there which felt good and then I masturbated to the thoughts.
Afterwards I told myself "ok, now you know you're bi and its ok" and I tried to feel happy and tried to be exited to go back and read my william burroughs books and be able to enjoy the sex scenes , but I didn't feel happy at all, I felt terrified and began to cry. Why does it seem like I think these thoughts are hot now if I'm not bi and why do I have these thoughts if I'm straight?!:"( I used to get scared and hyperventalate to the thoughts and I used to never have groinal respones and now I have them constantly and I'm so confused and I just dont know!!!!
Then when I came home from school I started having gay fantasies again and it really seemed like I was actually liking them which made me really scared, but then I calmed myself down and started touching down there which felt good and then I masturbated to the thoughts.
Afterwards I told myself "ok, now you know you're bi and its ok" and I tried to feel happy and tried to be exited to go back and read my william burroughs books and be able to enjoy the sex scenes , but I didn't feel happy at all, I felt terrified and began to cry. Why does it seem like I think these thoughts are hot now if I'm not bi and why do I have these thoughts if I'm straight?!:"( I used to get scared and hyperventalate to the thoughts and I used to never have groinal respones and now I have them constantly and I'm so confused and I just dont know!!!!
Posted comment before I finished what I was writing =/ As I was saying, please don't hate yourself, I understand it's a gruelling battle and guilt and fear take charge but just know better days with clarity are ahead and I hope everything works out for you, take care and the all the very best.
Hi, I'm a bi female and I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling =( Firstly I'd like to say you've done nothing wrong, we as humans are sexual beings and OCD sufferers tend to doubt our intentions or perceive our thoughts differently than those without. I admit that I've had intrusive thoughts while masturbating but am at the point of knowing a thought is a thought and that doesn't make me bad. I don't have HOCD but have been soul crippled in thoughts that were bad. Even if you are bi or gay it is not your definition, OCD regardless of nature even in HOCD has a penchant of making us doubt, torture ourselves to decipher every thought and feeling associated. Sexual confusion is not uncommon and you're not alone. I unfortunately can't give you an exact answer but I think you're straight and curious which is more than okay and fear from HOCD is dominating and making things confusing all the more. If you are gay or bi please don't hate yourself
Why does it seem like I actually think gay fantasies are hot sometimes? Is this normal? like sometimes I'll be imagining something as a test and it will actually feel like I like it? Do I or what is this?
I can't believe I actually did that. I stood up to see if i would get turned on and then i just started dioing it and picturing a guy and then right before i was about to come I though " oh god no" and tried to think of a girl. I feeli like I should tell my girlfriend I did this. I feel so guilty and I feel gay and i keep thinking I want to again and I just I don't know why I did that or why I didnt feel so scared at the moment. I might really be bi. This is the first time I've honestly actually felt it to be true, but I don't want to be but I feel like I might be. I don't know how I can deal with this now knowing that i've masturbated to a guy and actually gotten off. I don't know if it was the thoughts that did or just that I made myself do it more intenesly, but what does it matter either way I did it.
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