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In need of help - desperate
Hi,

I have health anxiety and OCD.  I have had a few worries over the years, then they resolve and I move on to the next one triggered by something!  The latest one I have had for years and I am feeling desperate at the moment.

I have a fear of HIV, it used to be really bad and I would fear it in almost every situation BUT I educated myself and now do not fear HIV in everyday situations.  There is now only one trigger... alcohol!  I started to freak out whenever I got drunk and had a memory blank that I had had sex with a stranger and cheated on my husband and contracted HIV.

I made a decision that although I would not give up drinking I would reduce the amount I drank.  This has been working well but this weekend it has not worked :(  I did not drink excessively, I was not drunk (maybe a little tipsy) and I have a FULL recollection of the night as far as I am concerned.  I remember conversations from the start to the end of the night, I remember leaving and going home and I remember being at home and going to bed.  I was calm, not distressed or feeling any level of guilt.  Which had I just had sex with somebody else you would think I would not have been ok.

Well, I woke up in the morning and thought what if I did have sex with somebody and although  I remember lots from the night what if I don't remember this.  I know it sounds stupid BUT it has got me really upset.

What can I do to stop this awful anxiety?  Do you think this sounds like I cheated or like my OCD is spiking again?  I just can't stop thinking what if I did and I don't remember :(

Please help I am honestly feeling desperate.  I do see a therapist and I do take 20mg prozac.  Do you think that is enough or should I be taking more?

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3149845 tn?1452625053
hi and welcome. We cant advise doses but please ask your doctor.
Health anxiety is in some ways related to the fear of dying. In are normal day we feel ok but then the "what if" comes up.
The thing about all of this is that we do in fact have health fears, everyone has them, and thats why we take care of ourselves, to avoid getting sick and dying. This is a natural way of our minds keeping us on track. When you take this natural instinct and obsess with it, that is a sign that you dont understand what this feeling is all about. You see it as a thought and carry it to the extreme. Just remember that health anxiety is a tool and is a good tool if you can understand it and use it properly.
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Please refer to my thread, HIV, OCD and Alcohol, where I go through the same thought process after a blackout. I posted it on 3 different communities here and everyone says my fears of contacting HIV during a blackout are unfounded. I work through a lot of feelings about this in that thread, so read through it and see if it reassures you. I'm glad to see someone else shares these fears that I do. However, from what you wrote here it does not seem like you have anything to worry about. I talked to my therapist and he said alcohol blackouts tend to delete memories of boring events but create memories of very intense events. He said there was no way you would not remember a sexual encounter even if you were blacked out. He is a very important psychaitrist in my community with over 50 years of experience.
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