Hello, I posted this question the anxiety section, and I got great help from the people there. They recommended that I check here for further help. Before a week or two a go, I've had no question on my sexuality. I've dealt with anxiety for about a year now, but I've gotten through the worst, and I have been living fine with it. I've had friends who were gay, read about gay people, etc. None of it bothered me before.
Recently, my friends were joking around and said they thought I was gay. This bothered me, and I asked myself if I was in my head, I began debating it back and forth. Was I? Was I really gay? I was sure that I wasn't, I've always liked girls for as long as I can remember. I've never had any thoughts about being with a guy, nor did I want to. I tried to put the thoughts off, and they didn't bother me much. Later, one of my friends confessed his feelings for me. Immediately I thought "oh god, he thinks I'm gay. He confessed to me, what do I do?" I started feeling the symptoms I get when a panic attack comes on. I don't feel any attraction to the guy, I like girls, and I even have feelings for one at this moment.
After that, I spent the night questioning myself. "What if I've been gay, but I've been hiding it. What's going on with me? Am I losing my mind? I don't want to be gay." I kept repeating to myself. Things just got worse later, I had trouble looking at guys the same way, and everything just seemed wrong to me. As the days passed, girls didn't attract me as much, and I felt like I was losing the feelings I had for the girl I currently like. It felt as if my sexual attraction to girls was diminishing. I had no clue what to do. Then I received some help from others, and they said they didn't think I was gay. This gave me a bit of a relief, but every time I heard the word "gay, homosexual" or anything pertaining the homosexuality or sexual feelings. The confusion arose again.
Recently, I just don't feel anything. I don't feel any attraction to either, so I want to know what is wrong with me? I want to like girls again like I used to, I don't want to be scared anymore. Why is this happening?
Hi there....you have only to look through this forum to see that a lot of people suffer from HOCD. This is how the thought process works for a person with OCD and irrational thinking.
Taken from the OCD Workbook: Your Guide to Breaking Free of OCD that I always recommend but nobody seems to ever buy.
Intrusive thought --> Catastrophic appraisal of the thought --> Increased anxiety and worry --> Overcontrol strategies which include Vigilence (Could I really do it? and Covert rituals (testing) --> temporary anxiety reduction --> The cycle starts over again.
You mentioned that you have been suffering from anxiety for a while which means you may be predisposed to OCD as well. Sometimes people don't realize they suffer from OCD until something like this happens to them. Usually it is the result of some sort of increased stress in their lives. What was going on in your life about the time your friends jokingly said they thought you were gay?
My take on it is that we are either born gay or we are not. We don't just wake up one day and become gay. People that are gay know it pretty early on in life and at some point come to terms with it. The bottom line is if you think being with the same sex is something that you wouldn't be into, then you are absolutely not gay. There is no second guessing it. OCD is all about control and when we lose that control which is what has happened to you we fight it. Instead of having that "whatever" attitude you used to have you are not going with "what-if?"
So now you have found yourself where many of us have been. I had HOCD thoughts before as well but they were pretty fleeting because I was on the irrational thought super-highway and bouncing from one thought to the next.
What you need to do right now is NOT TEST. Don't second guess what you do in your everyday life. Don't think because you notice some guy on the street that it means anything because you have been doing that your entire life...we compare ourselves to people all the time and it is natural.
You can do some self-coaching which is when this thought pops into your head, you don't give into it. You say "whatever, I'm not going there because it is stupid" and you busy yourself with something else.
I promise you that from what you have written you are not gay. Since you have gay friends you just keep on with your life. Don't change a thing because avoidance behavior isn't going to help either. See your friends and when that stupid little voice in your head starts up...squash it with your self-coaching...just don't let it go on and on because then you will find yourself in that cycle that I printed out above.
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