Intrusive thoughts?

[Naomi_96]

I have been diagnosed with OCD and I'm currently on a waiting list for CBT. I experience intrusive thoughts and have done for quite some time of the more violent and sexual nature which always left me very depressed and distressed but those have calmed down as of late. However recently something else has been distressing me which I'm not sure if it's actually OCD or not. I've been experiencing unwanted thoughts about me attention seeking. I have other problems as well as the OCD and I have thought that I wanted to go to hospital and if I knew how to go about voluntarily putting myself in one then I would because I often feel unable to cope and like I can't carry on for another day and sometimes hurt myself and consider doing hurting myself more permanently but usually the thought of my family stops me but each time I think about it, it feels like I get closer to doing it because I really want to. Recently I've been getting thoughts like 'I'm really okay', 'I just want to go in hospital for sympathy or attention' or 'I'm only doing this to feel special'. I don't think deep down this is true because I've tried so many times to tell my counsellor the full extent of my illness but find it unbelievable hard to do so even when I took 14 aspirin as a self harming method and felt very ill. Sometimes I've hurt myself as a cry for help because I find it so hard to verbally ask for help with my anxieties and I give myself such a hard time over it because I get thoughts that I was doing it for attention but I think I was doing it for help because I tried going to people and it didn't work but my doubts creep in and make me hate myself. I think to myself that I am just seeking attention or romanticizing than I must be a truly horrible person and it causes me more self hatred. It all started of with the hospital thought but on the days when I feel a bit better I think, 'maybe I'll be okay with hospital' but on the really dark days I feel like I can't get through it but if I was really wanting it all for attention wouldn't I want to be put in hospital all of the time? I'm really confused and distressed and I started noticing some of the OCD cycle with these thoughts like rapid unwanted thoughts and then ruminating and trying to prove to myself that it's not true only to relieve the thoughts momentarily and then for them to come back again. I know reassurance seeking isn't good but I'm just not sure if it even is intrusive thoughts to know if I should handle them like one so I was just wondering if anyone has any input or experience that may help? I'm feeling so horrible about this and like I deserve to die and any advice would be appreciated. Thanks

[Itcouldhappen_maybe]

Have you ever looked up purely obsessional OCD? Or hocd? It takes quite a bit out of you, mentally speaking. Cognitive therapy does help, and so does medicine. Just hold on, and try cbt

[123tushar07]

u dont need to go hospital, because u know these thoughts are irrational, ur on the waiting list of cbt so ur going to have treatment in coming days.from what i can see u have severe ocd and it has also caused depression also.

first thing to do never harm or punish urself, its not ur fault that u have ocd, it is due to genetics,biology.

for ocd what u can do is in the time u get treatment from a professional u can purchase a self help book for ocd and start doing exercises, it will increase ur confidence and reduce depression also. i have taken help  from overcoming obsessive thoughts from david A. clark .

regarding depression it is due to ocd , and as ur ocd gets better u will be free from depression also, but what can u do is make a timetable, wake up early in morning , do exercises, do some work, go outside ur home daily for a outing, do things which u like  may be ur hobbies and sleep early, these things will ease out depression, u can try meditation, breathing techniques and mindfulness also.

[Naomi_96]

maybe I'll be without hospital*