Is HOCD a real thing or just a term coined for closeted homosexuals?

[stryfe09]

So this is the first time that I myself am writing in a forum like this. I have been reading many things on these topics for a long time now, but its time for me to get this out to this type of community:

I entered my first true relationship about a year and and half ago. It was great, and one of the most wonderful things to ever happen to me. All my life I had been this fat kid that could never get the girl, so when I got to college I started to work out and eat right so that I would have higher self esteem. This worked, and I found myself talking with girls easier and even having a few potential relationships that started to sprout. Well, I eventually began to date a beautiful woman that loved me very much and for five months it seemed that nothing got in the way. Everything almost seemed too good to be true. Then one night I began to have weird dreams about her religious orientation, which was much different than mine, and I began to question the relationship. I stopped eating and sleeping because of these anxieties, and eventually began to seek out a therapist. She had told me that I had clinical depression, that the fact I lost 12 pounds in 8 days was proof of this symptom. So this information helped for about 3 or 4 weeks. Then two of my best friends got married one weekend and I found myself having a hard time with my girlfriend yet again. She was very understanding of what was going on, but told me that she was not going to change who she was for me. I didn't want her to, but for some reason it continuously bothered me. She was raised in a much different family than I was and that also bothered me. We eventually found common ground on politics and such, but the religious stuff continued to bother me and also made me think less of her in many ways. Eventually, we did break up, and for about 3 weeks I seemed okay, until it came time to return for spring semester. I found that I began to miss her and the relationship. By the time I wanted to talk with her it was too late, as she had acted on something else with someone else. Needless to say, I was devastated.

So the next 3 or 4 months were very tough. I had continued to see my therapist, and was trying to find my way through all of these confusing feelings. I missed my ex in many ways, but of course was not sure if things would work out if we ever got back together. All I knew is that I had this sadness inside me that really hurt and kept my mind from the tasks at hand. I began working out again as I had gained a good 20 pounds from taking medication and such, and for a while I started to truly believe that one day I would be over this. I remember during all of this that I could not seem to find another woman that I was interested in, but I figured it had to do with the fact that I was still hung up on my ex.

Well then it happened. I had a very confusing spring break towards the end of March. I spent a day applying for jobs with a gay friend of mine, and it went pretty well. We even ended up eating dinner at one of the places we applied at and I remember him commenting that he figured that a table must have thought that we were dating. I really didn't care as the thought had never crossed my mind. Afterward, I wanted to go to the rec to squeeze my work out in and invited him to join, which he did. Afterwards, we came back to my apartment and began watching the movie Milk. I remember him describing a bunch of stuff about the whole homosexual thing and it was interesting to me, and it upset me that people persecuted homosexuals the way they did back then. When he left that night I did not think anything of it. Later that week I experienced many bouts of sadness as my ex was out of town on spring break and the thought of her enjoying things without me sucked. I tried hanging out with some of my friends, but they would either not be around or unable to make me feel better. I went to Columbus that Thursday and spent the night with two of my cousins. I got very drunk that night and woke up the following morning after having a dream about my ex and I getting back together to find out about another man. I could not get back down to sleep so i ended up packing my stuff up and heading home early. When I got back to town I had a very long and good work out and came home that night to watch tv. Later that night an old friend of mine, whom is also gay, was in town for the weekend and asked if he and some other of my friends could come over to hang out. When they did, my gay friend followed me to my room and started to talk movies with me at the sight of my collection. During that discussion he made a comment about how he remembers why he and I are such good friends. At some point during this the thought of kissing him or something like that crossed my mind, and it was weird. For the rest of the night it kind of bothered me, but not too much. That weekend continued to be rough. My friend Rob came into town and we went out that night, and I remember Rob explaining to me that when he broke up with this girl he really loved he pretty much went through a year where he wasn't attracted to anybody. This made me feel a bit better, for a few days. Then that next week we were in opera rehearsal ( I should mention that I am currently still a music student) and my ex was there. I got the impression that she was ignoring me and it hurt greatly. I finally realized that she didn't really want much to do with me at that point. This made me very sad, and that night I met up at a bar with a few friends, some of whom were gay. I found myself talking with one of them and finding many similarities in movie taste, and I got this funny feeling. I went home that night just wanting to go to bed, and then it happened. I had some dream that involved homosexuality somehow and when I woke up the next morning, I was where I am at now.

I began to fear that I myself was in fact becoming homosexual. Nothing could quell the fear inside, and I began to have anxieties and panic attacks all over again. I quickly lost about 12 pounds again and my doctor put me back on my SSRI medication. It didn't seem to be helping this time, so they prescribed Valium to help me while the medication began to work its way into my system. Ever since, though, I have not been entirely sure of my sexuality as I once was before and its killing me.

Every time I look in the mirror, I think that I look homosexual. I think that down the road the only face I could see my face with is another male. I began working at this new job, and there are several guys that I feel like I am doing something similar to crushing on. The intrusive thoughts of sexual activities that are homosexual have seemed to gone away in many ways thanks to the medication, but the fear still seems to be there. I feel like the way that I am so in touch with my emotions is a clear indication that I am gay. I feel that I am more similar to gay men than I am straight men and, even though that is not the way I want to be, it is who I am and thats who I have to be.

Understand this. My entire life I have fantasized about women. I have had crushes on women for as long as I can remember. I can even name pretty much all of the women that I liked. I even used to watch heterosexual porn ALL THE TIME. But this fear has me thinking that none of it was true and that I have really been a closeted gay this whole time. I don't even feel comfortable thinking of myself as straight anymore, even when I am by myself. I have told this to numerous friends, to my doctors, my family, and none of them think that I truly am gay.

[stryfe09]

Sorry, had to continue this from above.......

Recently I found out my ex, whom was going to leave at the end of this summer and start life anew somewhere else, is dating someone else from our school and is staying. This broke my heart and made me very sad. I still get sad inside thinking about it. Problem is now that I wonder if I'm sad simply because she has moved on and is happy and I am not, or sad because I really loved her despite our differences and truly can no longer have her. Of course, this does not help to quell my homosexual fear at all.

As far as personal beliefs go. I am a very liberal person. I was brought up with no real church background, but I have been in and out of churches my entire life. I believe in God, but not to the extent that most Christians do. As far as personal morals go, I believe everyone gay, straight, or both are equal people. I hate it when people like that are discriminated against. I have had many gay friends since growing up, and I would think that something like this would have cropped up earlier with all of that exposure. I mean, I've been in music my whole life for Christ sakes.

When I was a kid, I did have a homosexual experience with an older boy. I never thought much of it until now, and now I am afraid that that was the precursor to all of this and that maybe my whole life I was burying that experience because I did not want to be gay. I'm very confused.

Now the point I am trying to make with all of this is this: It seems that I have all the clear symptoms of HOCD, but I am not sure that HOCD is even a real thing. I have never really had that obsessive of a personality my whole life, or so I thought. My father said that my entire life when I found something I want I go full force towards it, especially material possessions. He says that this seems similar to that same thing. He says that I fell in love so fast with my ex, and that was also similar to this. But I have talked with a psychiatrist once, and he said that he has never even heard of HOCD. I am wondering if HOCD is just some term or thing created to make closeted homosexuals feel better about the want inside not to be gay, and if that is true than that would mean I am gay. Like I said, I do not think that I have a problem with being gay, its just that my whole life I felt heterosexual. Sure, I had self confidence issues. I always wondered if I was man enough, if I had an adequate "physique" down below. I know that I have had admiration for other men, but never a sexual attraction. I am worried, though, because my sexual experiences were limited to both my recent ex and the only other girl I dated in high school, which that only lasted 2 months.

So it feels nice to write that out to a community that has dealt with some of these things. Hopefully someone can provide some feedback that will help. Of course, if this HOCD thing is real, then really anything anyone says won't help it will simply just be.

[SetAbominae]

Mate, i'm an 11 month HOCD sufferer. I know what it feels like, I know it feels real, I know it *****. If you want to talk to/with people like you and me, go to http://www.neuroticplanet.com/forum/viewforum.php?f=1
there are lots of people with sexual ocds and the biggest one is hocd for sure.

[someoneinmyhead]

dude, you sound exactly like me. my girlfriend cheated on me in january and it broke my heart. ive fantasized about women all the time, i would crush(at least thats what i thought it was) on every girl it seemed. all i ever did was obsess over girls, not getting them and such. and now, a few months later, im pretty sure i am becoming gay, and that i have repressed that my whole life.i have almost zero characteristics of a homosexual stereotype(the way i dress, interests, speech, mannerisms). i started having intrusive homosexual thoughts and i noticed guys, but more importantly i still noticed girls, and thought of them in a sexual manner a lot. the thing was is now i doubt i have hocd(which probably sounds typical of any ocd) and i believe that i am actually a closeted homosexual. the only thing is that i never wanted that in my life, i never wanted to be gay, for the simple reason that it stopped me from being with girls. now that my sex drive has gone down because of the depression as a result of the hocd, i can't even think about girls or anything. i would much rather be asexual than homosexual, at least then i wouldn't be killing myself in my head everyday. I hope you get through this man, i know how bad it is. let me know how it goes.