Is HOCD a real thing or just a term coined for closeted homosexuals?
So this is the first time that I myself am writing in a forum like this. I have been reading many things on these topics for a long time now, but its time for me to get this out to this type of community:
I entered my first true relationship about a year and and half ago. It was great, and one of the most wonderful things to ever happen to me. All my life I had been this fat kid that could never get the girl, so when I got to college I started to work out and eat right so that I would have higher self esteem. This worked, and I found myself talking with girls easier and even having a few potential relationships that started to sprout. Well, I eventually began to date a beautiful woman that loved me very much and for five months it seemed that nothing got in the way. Everything almost seemed too good to be true. Then one night I began to have weird dreams about her religious orientation, which was much different than mine, and I began to question the relationship. I stopped eating and sleeping because of these anxieties, and eventually began to seek out a therapist. She had told me that I had clinical depression, that the fact I lost 12 pounds in 8 days was proof of this symptom. So this information helped for about 3 or 4 weeks. Then two of my best friends got married one weekend and I found myself having a hard time with my girlfriend yet again. She was very understanding of what was going on, but told me that she was not going to change who she was for me. I didn't want her to, but for some reason it continuously bothered me. She was raised in a much different family than I was and that also bothered me. We eventually found common ground on politics and such, but the religious stuff continued to bother me and also made me think less of her in many ways. Eventually, we did break up, and for about 3 weeks I seemed okay, until it came time to return for spring semester. I found that I began to miss her and the relationship. By the time I wanted to talk with her it was too late, as she had acted on something else with someone else. Needless to say, I was devastated.
So the next 3 or 4 months were very tough. I had continued to see my therapist, and was trying to find my way through all of these confusing feelings. I missed my ex in many ways, but of course was not sure if things would work out if we ever got back together. All I knew is that I had this sadness inside me that really hurt and kept my mind from the tasks at hand. I began working out again as I had gained a good 20 pounds from taking medication and such, and for a while I started to truly believe that one day I would be over this. I remember during all of this that I could not seem to find another woman that I was interested in, but I figured it had to do with the fact that I was still hung up on my ex.
Well then it happened. I had a very confusing spring break towards the end of March. I spent a day applying for jobs with a gay friend of mine, and it went pretty well. We even ended up eating dinner at one of the places we applied at and I remember him commenting that he figured that a table must have thought that we were dating. I really didn't care as the thought had never crossed my mind. Afterward, I wanted to go to the rec to squeeze my work out in and invited him to join, which he did. Afterwards, we came back to my apartment and began watching the movie Milk. I remember him describing a bunch of stuff about the whole homosexual thing and it was interesting to me, and it upset me that people persecuted homosexuals the way they did back then. When he left that night I did not think anything of it. Later that week I experienced many bouts of sadness as my ex was out of town on spring break and the thought of her enjoying things without me sucked. I tried hanging out with some of my friends, but they would either not be around or unable to make me feel better. I went to Columbus that Thursday and spent the night with two of my cousins. I got very drunk that night and woke up the following morning after having a dream about my ex and I getting back together to find out about another man. I could not get back down to sleep so i ended up packing my stuff up and heading home early. When I got back to town I had a very long and good work out and came home that night to watch tv. Later that night an old friend of mine, whom is also gay, was in town for the weekend and asked if he and some other of my friends could come over to hang out. When they did, my gay friend followed me to my room and started to talk movies with me at the sight of my collection. During that discussion he made a comment about how he remembers why he and I are such good friends. At some point during this the thought of kissing him or something like that crossed my mind, and it was weird. For the rest of the night it kind of bothered me, but not too much. That weekend continued to be rough. My friend Rob came into town and we went out that night, and I remember Rob explaining to me that when he broke up with this girl he really loved he pretty much went through a year where he wasn't attracted to anybody. This made me feel a bit better, for a few days. Then that next week we were in opera rehearsal ( I should mention that I am currently still a music student) and my ex was there. I got the impression that she was ignoring me and it hurt greatly. I finally realized that she didn't really want much to do with me at that point. This made me very sad, and that night I met up at a bar with a few friends, some of whom were gay. I found myself talking with one of them and finding many similarities in movie taste, and I got this funny feeling. I went home that night just wanting to go to bed, and then it happened. I had some dream that involved homosexuality somehow and when I woke up the next morning, I was where I am at now.
I began to fear that I myself was in fact becoming homosexual. Nothing could quell the fear inside, and I began to have anxieties and panic attacks all over again. I quickly lost about 12 pounds again and my doctor put me back on my SSRI medication. It didn't seem to be helping this time, so they prescribed Valium to help me while the medication began to work its way into my system. Ever since, though, I have not been entirely sure of my sexuality as I once was before and its killing me.
Every time I look in the mirror, I think that I look homosexual. I think that down the road the only face I could see my face with is another male. I began working at this new job, and there are several guys that I feel like I am doing something similar to crushing on. The intrusive thoughts of sexual activities that are homosexual have seemed to gone away in many ways thanks to the medication, but the fear still seems to be there. I feel like the way that I am so in touch with my emotions is a clear indication that I am gay. I feel that I am more similar to gay men than I am straight men and, even though that is not the way I want to be, it is who I am and thats who I have to be.
Understand this. My entire life I have fantasized about women. I have had crushes on women for as long as I can remember. I can even name pretty much all of the women that I liked. I even used to watch heterosexual porn ALL THE TIME. But this fear has me thinking that none of it was true and that I have really been a closeted gay this whole time. I don't even feel comfortable thinking of myself as straight anymore, even when I am by myself. I have told this to numerous friends, to my doctors, my family, and none of them think that I truly am gay.
Recently I found out my ex, whom was going to leave at the end of this summer and start life anew somewhere else, is dating someone else from our school and is staying. This broke my heart and made me very sad. I still get sad inside thinking about it. Problem is now that I wonder if I'm sad simply because she has moved on and is happy and I am not, or sad because I really loved her despite our differences and truly can no longer have her. Of course, this does not help to quell my homosexual fear at all.
As far as personal beliefs go. I am a very liberal person. I was brought up with no real church background, but I have been in and out of churches my entire life. I believe in God, but not to the extent that most Christians do. As far as personal morals go, I believe everyone gay, straight, or both are equal people. I hate it when people like that are discriminated against. I have had many gay friends since growing up, and I would think that something like this would have cropped up earlier with all of that exposure. I mean, I've been in music my whole life for Christ sakes.
When I was a kid, I did have a homosexual experience with an older boy. I never thought much of it until now, and now I am afraid that that was the precursor to all of this and that maybe my whole life I was burying that experience because I did not want to be gay. I'm very confused.
Now the point I am trying to make with all of this is this: It seems that I have all the clear symptoms of HOCD, but I am not sure that HOCD is even a real thing. I have never really had that obsessive of a personality my whole life, or so I thought. My father said that my entire life when I found something I want I go full force towards it, especially material possessions. He says that this seems similar to that same thing. He says that I fell in love so fast with my ex, and that was also similar to this. But I have talked with a psychiatrist once, and he said that he has never even heard of HOCD. I am wondering if HOCD is just some term or thing created to make closeted homosexuals feel better about the want inside not to be gay, and if that is true than that would mean I am gay. Like I said, I do not think that I have a problem with being gay, its just that my whole life I felt heterosexual. Sure, I had self confidence issues. I always wondered if I was man enough, if I had an adequate "physique" down below. I know that I have had admiration for other men, but never a sexual attraction. I am worried, though, because my sexual experiences were limited to both my recent ex and the only other girl I dated in high school, which that only lasted 2 months.
So it feels nice to write that out to a community that has dealt with some of these things. Hopefully someone can provide some feedback that will help. Of course, if this HOCD thing is real, then really anything anyone says won't help it will simply just be.
Mate, i'm an 11 month HOCD sufferer. I know what it feels like, I know it feels real, I know it *****. If you want to talk to/with people like you and me, go to http://www.neuroticplanet.com/forum/viewforum.php?f=1
there are lots of people with sexual ocds and the biggest one is hocd for sure.
dude, you sound exactly like me. my girlfriend cheated on me in january and it broke my heart. ive fantasized about women all the time, i would crush(at least thats what i thought it was) on every girl it seemed. all i ever did was obsess over girls, not getting them and such. and now, a few months later, im pretty sure i am becoming gay, and that i have repressed that my whole life.i have almost zero characteristics of a homosexual stereotype(the way i dress, interests, speech, mannerisms). i started having intrusive homosexual thoughts and i noticed guys, but more importantly i still noticed girls, and thought of them in a sexual manner a lot. the thing was is now i doubt i have hocd(which probably sounds typical of any ocd) and i believe that i am actually a closeted homosexual. the only thing is that i never wanted that in my life, i never wanted to be gay, for the simple reason that it stopped me from being with girls. now that my sex drive has gone down because of the depression as a result of the hocd, i can't even think about girls or anything. i would much rather be asexual than homosexual, at least then i wouldn't be killing myself in my head everyday. I hope you get through this man, i know how bad it is. let me know how it goes.
holy cow, ive been going through the same thing....My last serious relationship tore my heart into pieces. I had the first symptoms of this so called "HOCD" when i had my first relationship many years ago. Basically my jealousy triggered my insecurity and everything else after that has been aftermath. Like stryfe09, im a very passionate person and go all the way with something. Once the questions entered my mind about knowing for certain if im gay or not I was never really able to say im not gay and that's it. It seems so rare because i dont have anything against gay people but i would never want to sleep with a guy. I once read one thing that helped me out and put me back on my feet. It's from a psychologist that said whenever you have an instrusive thought enter your mind just say to yourself "i dont know the answer to that" or " i dont know" and let it flow. This helped for a while and i slept with many girls until i had an anxiety attack and i couldnt get it up when i was about to have sex. It happened two more times after that with two different girls and now im almost scared to have it happen again. All i know is that i cant leave in fear and i have to go back out and face my insecurities head on. Its the only way. Depression doesnt help at all either. I have anxiety almost every day and no one understands what i go through. I have no one to talk to about this. Everyone is clueless. Which leads back to the original point of this forum...is this HOCD real or not? Honestly I dont know and maybe i just have man the **** up and go at on my own.
ok a few questions, so we can understand your situation a little better. did you tell your therapist about these intrusive sexual thoughts? how long has it been since you and your ex broke up? what medication are you on?
brainphysics.com refers to hocd as 'Homosexuality anxiety is a recognized symptom of OCD, sometimes referred to as "HOCD."' That's the best description I've read for it. I'd bet money that you are straight and suffering with ocd, but I am no dr. Let me tell you a little bit about myself. It may seem silly that I'm giving my opinion as I am a women and I don't have hocd (but I do have ocd), but I am also a bisexual. I have NEVER had a fear about being gay/bi nor did I have to go through an intense phase of questioning my sexuality like you have. I've known I was bisexual since I was a tween. Now everyone is different so all I'm trying to do is give you some examples of expriences of myself, my friends and family, and aquaintinces. Other people may have different expirences.
I don't know any bi or homosexuals that have been so "closeted" that they fooled themselves! I don't know if anyone else on here is gay/bi, if so maybe they can back me up on this, I have never met a single gay person that has had these intense fears about being gay for so long. There has been anxiety about coming out, starting relationships, and religous views. Most of the gay people I know did NOT enjoy any hetero relationship they've had. You're really in love with this girl, so why would you think you want men? Sexuality fears are VERY common with ocd, but if everyone with it turned out to be gay, gay marriage would be legal because gay would out number straight!
I am a bit concerned about you and your ex though. If the relationship started a year and a half ago and it lasted 5 or 6 months, then you have been obsessing over it for around a year since it ended. This may be a symptom of ocd as well. I realize that this was your first serious relationship and it's always hard when you break up and have to see the person and they move on before you do, but the relationship was only 6 months and you kinda talk about her like you were married for 10 years. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but I say it because I've gone through similar things and found it was treatable in therapy. Religion is also a very common issue with ocd, so it sounds like you really need to seek treatment for this. Also, you seem to have been kinda judgemental of this girl. "thinking less of her" because of her beliefs and family background seems pretty harsh. It doesn't sound like you meant to be judgemental or hurtful toward her as you loved her very much, so I think this is also something you could discuss with your therapist as well.
You said your therapist diagnosed you with depression so I'm guessing you haven't told her about these ocd-like behaviors or the anxiety you're feeling. I strongly suggest you do because there are sooo many great treatments for this. cognitive behavoral therapy, group therapy, medications, stress relief excersizes, and other things all work wonders for ocd and can relieve you from the suffering you're going through. I hope this helped and please message me and let me know how things are going. Good luck with everything. Take care.
I am going through this myself bro. It's this feeling you don't want, but has to ask yourself maybe I'm just denying it. All my life since i can remember when i was 6 i had a cruch on my brothers girlfriend. Then, second grade i was so aroused by my spanish teacher, she was so hot. And all of a sudden this problem emerges and it really puts a scare into you. Now i have a wonderful girlfriend, but i think hmmm if she was a boy would i enjoy just as much. Your mind plays a trick on you if your paranoid and scared about something it doesn't just go away, but it just stays with you. Sometimes you feel happy because that girl was hot and you find her attractive, but then you go back hold on i dont want to be in denial and try to force yourself if your really gay and find a random guy and think to yourself if you will enjoy being with him as if you would be with a girl. Then you get more paranoid and have this high anxiety. I haven't had any therapy or pills to go through because i just feel what ever happens, happens. But i can't let this destroy my life because when i thought i was straight i was much happier and went to the gym and only notice girls. Now i feel i have gotten really depressed about this and don't feel like doing anything. It's a terrible thing a person can go through and i'm not saying theres something wrong with being gay. But the fear that pretty much everyone who does have this HOCD is stressful. I just want to be happy and thinking about this 24/7 does not make me happy. So I don't know what to tell you exactly bro, but i want you to know your not alone and it probably is a OCD as much as we don't believe it is. It's also funny because we all went through the same thing, my ex girlfriend cheated on me in madrid when she was in study abroad and i cried and was devasted. I guess the reason is our horrible ex's. Stay positive bro. Your not alone. God bless!
Keep it together bro. I been going through some rough times because of this ****. My hocd story is very much like the rest of yours. Let me explain.
I am a 28 year old straight male. I have not been officially diagnosed with OCD. Earlier this year, after starting a relationship with a young woman, I started having intense anxiety attacks. I have always been a worrier. I went through a serious depression last year but I had thought that I was past it all and aproached this year as very optimistic. So, when the anxiety started, (which may or may not have been caused by relationship which was going very fast) it was very disheartening for me. First, I started to fear that I was aging too fast and was gonna die, then I was really concerned with my family and losing touch with them as I my family and I are very close. Soon after that, I began to have fears that I was gay. I kept questioning myself constantly, checking and comparing picture to see if it was real. I have never had anything against gays. Some of the best friends I've had have been gay. One of my immediate working partners is gay. I have nothing but respect. I also am willing to admit if a man is good looking.
After about a week or 2, I was able to convince myself that I was fine, and I began to worry about the relationship instead.
After I broke off the relationship, I began hanging out and getting back to my normal self even though I still had my obsessions about finding a woman that I really want to be with. I haven't had the best experiences with relationships or women in general. I am a very shy, closed off sorta guy and I have always had difficulty meeting women and the ones that I did meet, very often I would lose interest too quickly (especially since the one relationship from years ago in which I was in love blew up in my face badly when I found out that I was the other guy and that our baby wasn't mine). I soon began to constantly ruminate about how it would be too hard for me to meet a new girl and how my weed smoking, anxiety and the fact that I live with family would all contribute to me ending up alone. So, I got really heavy into weed and smoked like 3 or 4 blunts a day. I would smoke all this weed just to get my mind off of the pain of being alone, being unsure and insecure.
It was getting so bad that I would be at work and the only thing that would get me by was thinking about smoking a blunt.
That brings us to the middle of the summer. I felt that maybe a change in scenery would help and be just what the doctor ordered. I took a small vacation with family in Florida. I was excited at first and really felt like things were looking up. But the 3rd day, I was already feeling like I needed to be home. I felt really inadequate around the women down there and I was getting bored very easily. It was around this time that the gay thoughts started again. I was trying to disregard them as best as I could and was mostly successful at first. Especially when I would fantisize about women, which would get my mind off it. Late at nite, however, I couldn't escape the thoughts since I didn't sleep well.
I had a bad anxiety attack on the plane back over here while ruminating this but like I said before, I was able to think of things that would take my mind off of this.
Now, the last month and a half have been very difficult for me. Very often all I can think about is whether or not I am gay. I have never been with a man nor do I plan to. In fact, the thought of even trying anything with a man is enough to aggrivate me and cause me intense anxiety. It has gotten to the point where I can be around just any random guy (good looking or not) to cause me serious anxiety. I have stopped going to the gym and I don't really go out that much now. I can't even watch a movie or tv without seeing a man on there and immediately recoilling in fear or anxiety. The past few days have been just as bad. For the first time in a very long time, I am not thinking about entering into a relationship with girl, mostly because I feel that I don't need the headaches, but I am over my obsession about what a woman would think of me, so there is a slight disinterest, which scares me. I have also been experiencing less anxiety than usual. But the thoughts are still there. I don't want to be gay. I haven't ever had dreams about this sort of thing. I don't watch gay porn. But now, things make me so uncomfortable. The sight of a man's legs or arms or feet (attractive or not) can set me off. Couple that with the fact that I recently had sex for the first time in awhile and I didn't enjoy it. I was very tired, and not as turned on as I though I would be (granted, she was fat but that is besides the point). I used to love having sex in general but now, it seems that the anxiety has gotten that too. It feels like I can't get it up and that I am not interested in any girls because of my life long difficulties with women and my insecurities not to mention the hocd which makes it all the more scary since I ge anxious around men. I have even took to smoking weed again which has helped alittle but I don't want to be wasted too much because I know where it all leads.
Since I was young, I have wanted nothing more than to have a beautiful loving wife and raise children and I know life doesn't always turn out the way that you want it to but I really want to just be normal again and I know that you just can't suddenly turn gay but it all feels so real. I now look at men and women differently, which also scares me. Is his what you would classify as HOCD?
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