Is this HOCD?

[brokenmess]

Alright. Allow me to detail you with how this started, or the likely scenario in which it began.

It was an unsettling thought I had one day, questioning my own sexuality. I’m a young female, mind you. My entire life consisted of admiring boys from afar or befriending them into a very close friendship.

I live in a family that could care less with who I loved. So know, that I am not AFRAID of the public eye and their opinions.

In the beginning of this month, when it all started, my anxiety and overall fear was soon to be born. It was so intense I would hear a screaming come into my mind. Absolutely blocking out every thought into this cacophony of screaming.

In terror I would repeat to myself, ‘I’m not gay’. Fuel myself on articles and religious views (I’m a Christian child, but take note ONCE MORE my family would love me however I am) and be content for a day thereof.

A few days ago I grew unfathomably numb. Dumbed to the idea of anxiety. I believe the constant silent meltdowns in class and obsessing has begun to wring me dry.

Then, the numbness scared me.

“****. What if the numbness means you’re officially gay? No. Please, I don’t, I don’t want this.”

I’ve read that H(OCD) is wicked enough to trick you into enjoying intrusive thoughts. I’ve come to that point, but a small voice keeps telling me this isn’t right and as a whole I don’t want this. I never have.

It’s so strange, because I’ve always lived in peace with queers of all kinds and never had an undying curiosity to see how it would be like. Not that it’s a curiosity for me, but a fear in all genuine honesty.

It’s not possible to suddenly be gay over night is it? I’ve also read, that my thoughts should not consist of fear (my fear was so horrible I’d experienced at least a hundred years worth of HOCD) and rather pleasure if I WAS gay. But after reading that, I began to trouble over ‘DO I find pleasure in these thoughts’?

I absolutely hate myself and cannot ever, in a f***ing million years see myself with a chick. It’s more or less, these thoughts are invading my mind and they feel very foreign and I annoy push them away.

As a younger child, (I’m aged 14-16, no specifics) I would always ask strange questions about odd things and needed to know every specific detail. Perhaps about a person walking down the street, that my mother knew nothing about.

I just need some spoken professional to determine if this is HOCD. In all honesty, I’d rather have cancer four different times than be gay. I know it’s absolutely dramatic, but I’m dead serious at this rate.

Admittedly I haven’t ever been in a relationship. I even thought at one point admiring boys was silly and I didn’t need to have crushes.

Is that also another reason as to why I contracted this mental illness?

Never in my life have I been curious about the gay lifestyle (I believe being gay is a choice / lifestyle, no changing my views) and could care even less about what queers do in their love lives.

This impending doom is terrible.

I don’t talk to any female beings, I refuse to look at them, talk to them, if they touch me I get very angsty and get angry. I do this very subtlety and they just believe I’m being ‘funny’.

I’ve never had female friends, and always had extremely close male friends. Also, I’ve always had trouble finding a ‘crush’ on an outsider. I’ve only EVER found a deep longing in close male friends.

So it’s illogical I’d have a admiration for some damned girl.

I just feel so done, and my (hopefully) HOCD is tricking me to believe this is what I want. I’m so tired of feeling stupid and dumb, I don’t have a say in whether or not I feel this is not me.

Someone please help? My emotions are draining and my anxiety is leaving, the numbness is settling in.

I don’t even feel attracted to any girls! I just feel this hammering in my head ‘you ARE gay’. It’s not even questioning me anymore. I don’t want this, do know that. But I can’t even tell that to myself.

As I write this, I’m feeling some strength in myself. I need your help, honest opinions. I doubt I’ll tell my mother because I’ve always been overly dramatic and obsessive over everything. I don’t blame her anyways.

[brokenmess]

In the beginning of my post I accidentally typed ‘questioned my sexuality’ without further explanation. I had meant to add, that the questioning was very fearful and ticked with anxiety.