Hi,
I am a girl and 15 years old and for about a year now I've had on and off terrifying thoughts that I might be lesbian. I have never been diagnosed with OCD nor been to a doctor about it but ever since the age of about ten or eleven I have had obsessive about various things including being pregnant, having various forms of cancer, once I had an obession with germs, the world coming to an end and the worst one before hocd was alopeshia where I would sit there and brush my hair ever day until I felt confident that no more hair was coming out. I told my mum and she reassured me everyday but it was never enough.
I can't remember when all the doubts started but I think it was when I was at a friends house and suddenly got scared I may become attracted to her but I never was. Ever since then I have been going through phases of anxiety because of it. My self-confidence got a lot better when I met my bestfriend last June who helped me with confidence issues although I still felt scared about suddenly turning lesbian and sometimes I felt scared about becoming attracted to her and it makes me scared to hug her or even see her. Although this was one of my fears other obsessions did happen along side it at times but quickly went away.
Deep down I've known for the whole time these thoughts are irrational, before this ocd I was attracted to guys and only guys and never had a doubt of my sexuality but right now it's making me doubt that. I've always had crushes on guys and had my first boyfriend when I was five or six but the furthest we went was him kissing me on the shoulder:') I've had 3 boyfriends since then the first when I was about 11 and he was my first kiss and from what I can remember the kiss made me so happy and I couldn't stop smiling. My other two boyfriends were nothing special and it never lasted long enough to kiss. At about the age of 13 I had my second and third kiss in a game of spin the bottle at a party where I kissed two guys and if my memory isn't being altered by ocd then I remember not feeling much, I mean I was happy after and it made me feel wanted but I never really liked the guys in the first place and I think this is why it didn't feel special.
The start of this school year was when things got bad. I had lost all my attraction for guys and I can't even remember what it felt like. Even though I lost my attraction in situations that made me anxious eg changing for games or actually doing games as girls and boys are separated. It made me feel a groinal response which made me even more anxious it was only small and when I occupied my mind they went so I tried to keep my mind occupied and the thought went away and I developed a new crush who shall be named nn. The thoughts got increasingly worse and made me more and more anxious as time went on but talking about nn to my group of friends made me forget all about it and whenever I saw him it reassured me I was 100% straight because of my red face and butterflies, when he sat next to me in lessons sometimes I couldn't work as my hand would be shaking and if he spoke to me I would go so red and have to ask to go to the toilet or get a drink so i could calm down but the doubts still sometimes crept up on me, I would never go more than a few days without the doubt.
Anyway things went on like this for a while and I was starting to get over him and over the ocd like I got less spikes although I never got my sexual attraction to guys back until we went on weekend trip and over the next few days people were telling me he liked me. I swear I was the happiest person alive it was amazing and I got the courage to tell him how I felt and he told me he felt the same way I couldn't control my happiness. The next day he asked me out. Unfortunately I think I let the hocd get the better of me, thoughts dashed across my mind like you don't want this don't do it and I said no. Instantly I regretted what I said and my friends could not for the life of them understand why I said no, and I couldn't either. I told him I didn't mean what I said but I had blown my chance and with the pain and regret a thought came up. 'Maybe you said no because deep down you know you are a lesbian' and even since then it's been out of control. I had Easter holidays to think about it and on a bad day decided to search 'how to know if your a lesbian' and that's how I found out about hocd and suddenly everything made so much sense.
Coming back to school for the first week was fine and normal, I managed to keep the thoughts under control until one day when I went to school and couldn't stop these thoughts that I was gay and with the anxiety came arousal. It was really bad and I kept thinking 'why did I feel that oh my gosh' and thoughts just wouldn't stop. The next day a popular girl sat next to me in maths and I felt claustrophobic and anxiety was bad and the arousal was there and at this point I didn't know that hocd bought on false arousal, whenever she touched me I was wanted to push her away and run out the classroom. This then started to happen more and more and I was convinced I was lesbian or ad least bi it would go to the point where I didn't want to be around my female friends in case I got aroused and on the weekend I watched a program where women were dancing in bikinis this caused a huge spike and I told myself I was a lesbian I had to leave the room and lock myself in the bathroom and I had a shower and cried so much.I do not want to be with a women, the thought often makes me feel sick or I just don't feel anything so WHY am I feeling arousal WHY is my brain telling me I do. I decided to search it and thought I was gay. Over the next few weeks I've started to cry at school almost everyday, I have been so convinced I am gay and in denial. I can't join in on the jokes and I have started to get really short tempered with some of my friends. I can't do work anymore and I am very behind it's resulted on my test marks to be c and lower. The only time i'm happy is when i'm around nn. The thoughts are things like 'what if I'm a lesbian' 'what if I only find out after being married and have kids' why do I feel arousal''oh my gosh what if I never liked guys'. They never leave its taking up every moment of my time trying to fight them.
It all got too much on Monday when I just couldn't stop crying and told my friends at school that i think I might have ocd but I refuse to tell them my current obsession. They have been really supportive and told me to tell someone but I don't want too, what if they tell me it isn't hocd, what if the thoughts go but I still get aroused by girls.I decided to tell my bestfriend everything she was the only person I could trust and I felt a weight being lifted off my shoulders. Although things are a bit better I am still getting groinal responses and I'm constantly doubting whether it's hocd. It's making me think I never really liked guys and I've been in denial my whole life and that I'm never going to get another crush on a guy. Ever since things started to get really bad I've started to get attraction for guys back. Like if a guy that had a nice butt bends over I'll just think omfg that SO HOT and things like that. being with guys has always made me feel special though. If i'm with a group of guys i'll get girly and do my best attempt at flirting but whenever I look at a hot guy and think you should be feeling something then I will not feel anything also when I've had this arousal for guys my mind will tell me it wasn't real and I was just making it up. It's so annoying and I wish I could just be normal. Whenever I see a girl the boys would call 'hot' it'll make me spike really bad or whenever someone says the word lesbian it makes me spike.
I have never hated gay people, I really do support them but I just don't want to be gay. I know my friends and family would accept me but I don't want to be with a women, the thoughts are telling me I do though.
In any event, I think it is time for you to discuss this with your parents and ask to see a doctor. Since you used the word "mum" I'm going to assume you are overseas and have socialized medicine. Therefore you would need to see your gp and then get a referral. Do that as soon as you can. You don't have the tools right now to help yourself so you need to see a psychologist to learn cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT).
In the mean time, go on the amazon.com website and look up the book The OCD Workbook: Your Guide to Breaking Free of OCD. You can look inside the book and I think you will see things that will be helpful to you. It has worksheets, etc. So if you can, pick up a copy of it and commit to doing the worksheets and getting better while you are waiting for your psychology appointment.
Relax....if you said out loud right now "I'm gay" do you think you would want to run out and find a girlfriend? No you wouldn't because the reality is you are not into girls but rather guys.
It is all a mind trick that we play on ourselves. OMG = obsessive mind game in our world.