I am a girl and 15 years old and for about a year now I've had on and off terrifying thoughts that I might be lesbian. I have never been diagnosed with OCD nor been to a doctor about it but ever since the age of about ten or eleven I have had obsessive about various things including being pregnant, having various forms of cancer, once I had an obession with germs, the world coming to an end and the worst one before hocd was alopeshia where I would sit there and brush my hair ever day until I felt confident that no more hair was coming out. I told my mum and she reassured me everyday but it was never enough.
I can't remember when all the doubts started but I think it was when I was at a friends house and suddenly got scared I may become attracted to her but I never was. Ever since then I have been going through phases of anxiety because of it. My self-confidence got a lot better when I met my bestfriend last June who helped me with confidence issues although I still felt scared about suddenly turning lesbian and sometimes I felt scared about becoming attracted to her and it makes me scared to hug her or even see her. Although this was one of my fears other obsessions did happen along side it at times but quickly went away.
Deep down I've known for the whole time these thoughts are irrational, before this ocd I was attracted to guys and only guys and never had a doubt of my sexuality but right now it's making me doubt that. I've always had crushes on guys and had my first boyfriend when I was five or six but the furthest we went was him kissing me on the shoulder:') I've had 3 boyfriends since then the first when I was about 11 and he was my first kiss and from what I can remember the kiss made me so happy and I couldn't stop smiling. My other two boyfriends were nothing special and it never lasted long enough to kiss. At about the age of 13 I had my second and third kiss in a game of spin the bottle at a party where I kissed two guys and if my memory isn't being altered by ocd then I remember not feeling much, I mean I was happy after and it made me feel wanted but I never really liked the guys in the first place and I think this is why it didn't feel special.
The start of this school year was when things got bad. I had lost all my attraction for guys and I can't even remember what it felt like. Even though I lost my attraction in situations that made me anxious eg changing for games or actually doing games as girls and boys are separated. It made me feel a groinal response which made me even more anxious it was only small and when I occupied my mind they went so I tried to keep my mind occupied and the thought went away and I developed a new crush who shall be named nn. The thoughts got increasingly worse and made me more and more anxious as time went on but talking about nn to my group of friends made me forget all about it and whenever I saw him it reassured me I was 100% straight because of my red face and butterflies, when he sat next to me in lessons sometimes I couldn't work as my hand would be shaking and if he spoke to me I would go so red and have to ask to go to the toilet or get a drink so i could calm down but the doubts still sometimes crept up on me, I would never go more than a few days without the doubt.
Anyway things went on like this for a while and I was starting to get over him and over the ocd like I got less spikes although I never got my sexual attraction to guys back until we went on weekend trip and over the next few days people were telling me he liked me. I swear I was the happiest person alive it was amazing and I got the courage to tell him how I felt and he told me he felt the same way I couldn't control my happiness. The next day he asked me out. Unfortunately I think I let the hocd get the better of me, thoughts dashed across my mind like you don't want this don't do it and I said no. Instantly I regretted what I said and my friends could not for the life of them understand why I said no, and I couldn't either. I told him I didn't mean what I said but I had blown my chance and with the pain and regret a thought came up. 'Maybe you said no because deep down you know you are a lesbian' and even since then it's been out of control. I had Easter holidays to think about it and on a bad day decided to search 'how to know if your a lesbian' and that's how I found out about hocd and suddenly everything made so much sense.
Coming back to school for the first week was fine and normal, I managed to keep the thoughts under control until one day when I went to school and couldn't stop these thoughts that I was gay and with the anxiety came arousal. It was really bad and I kept thinking 'why did I feel that oh my gosh' and thoughts just wouldn't stop. The next day a popular girl sat next to me in maths and I felt claustrophobic and anxiety was bad and the arousal was there and at this point I didn't know that hocd bought on false arousal, whenever she touched me I was wanted to push her away and run out the classroom. This then started to happen more and more and I was convinced I was lesbian or ad least bi it would go to the point where I didn't want to be around my female friends in case I got aroused and on the weekend I watched a program where women were dancing in bikinis this caused a huge spike and I told myself I was a lesbian I had to leave the room and lock myself in the bathroom and I had a shower and cried so much.I do not want to be with a women, the thought often makes me feel sick or I just don't feel anything so WHY am I feeling arousal WHY is my brain telling me I do. I decided to search it and thought I was gay. Over the next few weeks I've started to cry at school almost everyday, I have been so convinced I am gay and in denial. I can't join in on the jokes and I have started to get really short tempered with some of my friends. I can't do work anymore and I am very behind it's resulted on my test marks to be c and lower. The only time i'm happy is when i'm around nn. The thoughts are things like 'what if I'm a lesbian' 'what if I only find out after being married and have kids' why do I feel arousal''oh my gosh what if I never liked guys'. They never leave its taking up every moment of my time trying to fight them.
It all got too much on Monday when I just couldn't stop crying and told my friends at school that i think I might have ocd but I refuse to tell them my current obsession. They have been really supportive and told me to tell someone but I don't want too, what if they tell me it isn't hocd, what if the thoughts go but I still get aroused by girls.I decided to tell my bestfriend everything she was the only person I could trust and I felt a weight being lifted off my shoulders. Although things are a bit better I am still getting groinal responses and I'm constantly doubting whether it's hocd. It's making me think I never really liked guys and I've been in denial my whole life and that I'm never going to get another crush on a guy. Ever since things started to get really bad I've started to get attraction for guys back. Like if a guy that had a nice butt bends over I'll just think omfg that SO HOT and things like that. being with guys has always made me feel special though. If i'm with a group of guys i'll get girly and do my best attempt at flirting but whenever I look at a hot guy and think you should be feeling something then I will not feel anything also when I've had this arousal for guys my mind will tell me it wasn't real and I was just making it up. It's so annoying and I wish I could just be normal. Whenever I see a girl the boys would call 'hot' it'll make me spike really bad or whenever someone says the word lesbian it makes me spike.
I have never hated gay people, I really do support them but I just don't want to be gay. I know my friends and family would accept me but I don't want to be with a women, the thoughts are telling me I do though.
When I told my bestfriend she said 'don't worry I know you aren't I know a lot of lesbians and you certainty aren't one and plus (this guy I know who's gay) would be able to tell and you'd also know from your childhood cos a lot of people know from early on' this made me feel a lot better but not for long. I just want to skip to the part where I meet the man I'm going to marry but now I'm doubting whether I even want that because thoughts are telling me I don't. In terms of the compulsions I do I have to reassure myself no matter how long it takes so when I've reassured myself I will be happy until the obsessions come back. Also whenever I get home from school the first thing I do is start searching for hocd or coming out stories to see which one I am. I don't look at porn or anything cos I'm so scared I won't like the straight one and instead like the lesbian one and also cos my minds a mess at the moment I don't let myself think about being with either girl or guy encase I don;t like the guy fantasy and instead like the girl one.
I wake up everyday with the question 'is this hocd or am I in denial' even though I often have dreams involving guys and stuff I don't understand
So HOCD or am I in denial :(:( sorry for the essay ow I think the fact that my attraction to guys has come nack when its at its worst and the thing that scares me most is the groinal responses to girls (on a bad day almost every girl I see!)
Hi there.....You are certainly on the nightmare superhighway of irrational thinking. I cannot diagnose you but given the fact that you had past irrational thoughts about other things, it seems pretty likely that you have OCD. HOCD is soooooo common. You have only to look at this forum to see that the majority of the posts are about HOCD. Nobody posting is truly gay. If you were gay, you would know it and accept it...not fight it like you are doing. Ask any gay person and they will tell you they always knew and usually from a very early age.
In any event, I think it is time for you to discuss this with your parents and ask to see a doctor. Since you used the word "mum" I'm going to assume you are overseas and have socialized medicine. Therefore you would need to see your gp and then get a referral. Do that as soon as you can. You don't have the tools right now to help yourself so you need to see a psychologist to learn cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT).
In the mean time, go on the amazon.com website and look up the book The OCD Workbook: Your Guide to Breaking Free of OCD. You can look inside the book and I think you will see things that will be helpful to you. It has worksheets, etc. So if you can, pick up a copy of it and commit to doing the worksheets and getting better while you are waiting for your psychology appointment.
Relax....if you said out loud right now "I'm gay" do you think you would want to run out and find a girlfriend? No you wouldn't because the reality is you are not into girls but rather guys.
It is all a mind trick that we play on ourselves. OMG = obsessive mind game in our world.
Thank you so much for the reply,
I know I should tell my parents and go to a doctor but I'm really scared that it isn't ocd and that I'm actually gay. I don't want to be with a women I want to marry a man and have two kids and live in a nice house in a small town. I'm also scared that this attraction for girls won't go away and that my attraction for guys will never come back like it was before.
The HOCD is placing so many stupid thoughts and doubts in my mind and I just want to rip off the part of my brains that's making them. I have started to say to the thoughts 'whatever maybe I am, maybe I'm not I don;t care' and it does start to help until I get the thought 'your finally accepting you're gay' and I'm right back to where I started. My friends have started to doubt it's ocd and they are telling me it's not and that causes a major spike.
Thank you again, it's reassured me but I know it won't last for long :(
Your friends are not experts so don't listen to what they have to say. What does a 15 year old without OCD know??? Nothing is what. I know it is good to have somebody to talk to but your friends may not be the best people right now.
The bottom line is that you are supposed to give into the thought becasue if you don't, it is a constant battle. You give in, and you take the fear away, and the thought goes away.
See my post about "The anatomy of a horrific thought" which I will bump up to the top of the forum. You will see exactly what you are doing to yourself and why it won't go away without help.
Thank you, I know I'm not going to listen to what they say. I'll tell my mum soon because I honestly don't feel like me anymore although today was better and I could laugh along with my friends until a what if came into my mind and made me anxious again. I'm still really scared that it isn't hocd though and that's why I don't want to go to a doctor:(:(
Personally I don't think you have anything to worry about. The doctor is not going to sit down and say you are gay. Listen to your friend who is gay. He knows what he is talking about. He knows when he realized he was gay and he didn't fight it....it is a part of who he is. Personally I think it is genetic and you are either born gay or you are not. You cannot just wake up one day and become gay. It just doesn't work like that.
Yeah I know he did say he felt different and knew from about the age of 6 and for me it only happened at 14 and even then nothing made sense from my childhood as I liked guys although sometimes I doubt that. I will tell my mum over half term and hopefully get a doctors appointment which is a week away. I woke up today in a pretty bad state, the thoughts were really bad and it just got worse when I remembered my dream. I dreamed that I was looking at naked girls to test my arousal and I woke up and my hocd told me that I liked it, but why would I be a ball of anxiety this morning if I liked it!? I also read last night the internalized homophobia and hocd are almost the same thing and I'm really scared it's internalized homophobia because I don't let myself picture kissing a girl or anything in case I get aroused and now I'm scared it's because I'm repressing my gay feelings!:(
Thank you for all of this though it's really helping:)
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