My names Michael I'm 18 years old
It had been months since I experienced a bad trip from LSD combined with weed.. My mind was basically going 100 miles an hour as I was trying to sleep after a night out. eventually I started to feel quite uncomfortable as general uncomfortable feelings were coming through me in an almost looping, circular pattern. This led to the idea of myself losing control and that thought brought about a resistance to the drug which created a horrible dread and panic that came over me. I was generally very much in control of my external enviornment and my perceptions seemed perfectly fine, however internally i was suffering the most intense fear and panic which I failed to talk myself out of..also during the bad trip it seemed to be characterised by ideas of somewhat 'old' fears and phobias that I have had, or still do..these ideas added onto that fear of the bad trip. Eventually the horrible fear of going insane and being stuck in this 'bad trip' state consumed me. However I fell asleep eventually and the following months after that night seemed pretty normal.
After smoking weed a few times afterwards I found myself slipping into small, extreme states of panic which I usually overlooked.. I also found myself in weird states of mind that characterised my bad trip but were less like a panic and more of an anxiety. On one occasion I totally fell into a very bad state of mind after smoking weed which died off when I re assured myself that the drug effects will pass.. I stopped occasionally smoking weed after that.
Weeks or even months later as I was attempting to go to sleep, I managed to dwell into my thoughts and accessed a 'trippy' thought or image which put me into an intense state of panic similar to that of a bad trip which left me unable to sleep properly that night.. i guess you could call this a flashback. The next day whilst I was working I began thinking about the situation and thought about ideas and images of a phobia that was brought up during my bad trip.. this put me into a state of intense anxiety and panic. After that I had been in an on and off state of anxiety and panic.. eventually I came to a point where i accepted my own imagination and accepted that the only fear was that of re-calling the bad trip.. I also reached a stage where I was able to embrace the anxiety and weird feelings that I was able to recall , and the fear wouldn't come. Following this conclusion came actual anxieties based on suspicion.. for example I researched pyschology and started reading about schizophrenia and became terrified at the idea that my 'bad trip' related stress could lead to me going crazy.. this fear slowly faded within a week or so.
Just recently I re-called a childhood irrational phobia of mine where the idea simply made me scared and uneasy, almost in a panic state.. this was normal when I was younger However this fear I had somewhat forgotten about. I saw this as an 'actual' fear that was brought about by my own phobia. That night whilst dwelling on the ideas and images of my phobia I fell into another state of extreme panic similar to my original 'flashback' ..After that i began to become extremely anxious.. less about the bad trip and more so about the phobia.. eventually I just recently learned that I may have OCD as almost everyone in my family suffers from quite bad anxiety based on OCD which I was unaware of.. At this point I realised that mabye my suspicions were based on obssesive and compulsive thinking and the phobias I have make these suspicions worse.
After experimenting with lsd and weed I find that sometimes I 'zone out' and question reality and sometimes go into states where I slip out of focus..I imagine myself losing my memory and fear of having dementia or soemthing (This happens alot when I drive and look at other cars for some reason or If I look at things from far away) I dont know If this is just a normal thing that everyone experiences.. or if im really just thinking about it the idea so I think that im zoning out where Im actually quite aware of it.. I think this is obsessive thinking. I have developed quite a bad fear of losing my sanity as my imagination can create horribly scenarios and ideas of what it could be like to be crazy based on my experiences with psychedelic drugs.. I have focused so much on my own mind and imagination it feels like this over-anaylsis is making me notice things that were always present and I dont know what is normal.. i dont know whether my anxieties are creating this ? ideas of possible outcomes for my sanity and existence seems so powerful..but is it only the powerful negative emotions and the beliefs of the possiblilties which are making it so ? Occasionally I experience sleep paralysis also.. however it doesnt really bother me and I have experienced it for over a year, possibly two years I dont know if this is from acid or other drugs or if it is just normal..? I think too much.. It seems the bad trip I had made my OCD come into play and made my old phobias re-emerge
The bad trip may have actually caused some PTSD. The flashbacks, anxiety, and panic are all indications of post tramautic stress disorder so I wouldn't be surprised if that's what's going on. It's an anxiety disorder, which expains a lot of your repetitive thoughts and fears....like worrying about schizophrenia. Your story sounds very similar to mine, except my bad trip was from x, but it's almost been a year since then and I'm still trying to deal with the anxiety and panic attacks it has caused.
I had a really bad mind trip too. It lasted for hours I was by myself and it was like I was fighting myself from the inside out and if I gave up I would die. I cried for hours and my hand kept going over my heart like it was trying to rip it out I wanted to rip it out it hurt so bad. I thought I would go back to normal after it happened and act like nothing happened to me nothing changed... But a lot of stuff changed everyday for months it would feel like I was reliving my trip but I wasn't tripping anymore. I had panic attacks got depressed and everyday it was a constant battle of fighting myself. I even thought about killing myself to end all the pain. I ended up crying in school more than a few times I haven't even slept in months since. It was like my mind got lost and there was no getting it back until I dealt with everything that was on my mind. I even started to see a psychologist to help gain control of my mind. I had to quit smoking weed for a few months because every time I would smoke my mind would go to my trip thoughts and I just couldn't handle it anymore. I'm finally starting to be okay again it took months of depression and sorrow. I don't even think how I use to anymore it's like I have a complete different mindset. Just because I'm starting to be okay again doesn't mean those thoughts don't still creep up
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