My anxiety is getting worse

[Sweetrose5]

I've been trying to accept the gay thoughts and let them go, but this past week has been really hard. I really am starting to feel like I never had hocd at all and that I might be gay. When these thoughts first started 5 years ago I had all the symptoms of hocd, but now that it has progressed the thoughts have changed. This past week I had a thought that made me think I was gay and then my mind immediately jumped to thoughts of my family and friends rejecting me which gave me anxiety. I got even more anxiety because I thought people with hocd don't have thoughts about rejection. I started doing research online to see if people with hocd could have rejection thoughts and it kept saying that only gay people have these thoughts. I don't know what to do! I made an appointment with my therapist, but I don't know what to do till then. I keep having these rejection thoughts and when I have a gay thought I don't always feel anxiety and I don't know if that's because I'm used to the thought or if i'm starting to like the thought. I just feel really anxious and bad and I'm beginning to think I've been in denial all along.

[Sweetrose5]

Thank you so much JGF25. You have helped me a lot and I have been having a better day. I just keep getting stuck on the idea that since I don't have anxiety over some thoughts that means I am no longer repulsed by them. My appointment isn't until next week. So I have a few more days to get through. Again thank you so much! You have really helped me a lot!

[JGF25]

As I remember you were doing well for quite some time so this would be one indication that you are not gay.  This is the thing about OCD.  We are the great catastrophizers.  We take a thought, over analyze it, and then catastrophize it.  Having friends reject you if you were gay is a castrophizing thought.  Oh now...what if....

The reality is this.  You want to get to the point where the thought bores you.  So if you think the thought and it doesn't affect you, that does not mean you are gay that means you are doing things right.  The thought is not holding you hostage anymore.    But if you then take the "It is not affecting me" and start over analyzing that, then you are going to be where you are at now.  Do you see what I mean?

At some point you need to realize that you are not gay.  If you truly were gay, the thought of being with the same sex romantically would not be repulsive to you.  The fact that it bothers you so much, indicates to me that this is an intrusive thought brought on by OCD and you need treatment for the OCD which it looks like you are doing.  You didn't say how long from now until your appointment.