Okay...So first I should say THANK YOU to anyone who reads all of this :)...It will mean a lot to me!
I grew up with my dad who has severeeeee severe severe OCD. He's terrified of germs, getting the flu, checks things consistently, and always needs reassurance 24-7. He's deathly afraid of any illnesses (Mainly from OCD...Half because we're Irish and hypochondriacs =P) and him asking things like, "Did I bump you? are you sure? you're positive right? were you buckled in? are you sure? you said you were buckled in right?" were in everyday conversations. He always needed reassurance....I inherited his genes....ALLL OF THEM.
As I get older, everything gets worse. My whole thing has always been fear of fires. Never been in one, just petrified of them. I check the stove every night, heaters, wires, it's exhausting just thinking about it! However, it was tolerable then. Now everything is spiraling out of CONTROL!
Lately, my mind will focus on one thought...and I CANNOT get it out of my head. For instance, one time I watched a show on AIDS or something and even though I've been sexually active three times in my whole life, I was CONSUMED with fear. Get this...I did the Tarot cards, was convinced they were telling me I had HIV, so I paid TWENTY dollars for a cab (I dont drive out of fear either), just so I could go all the way to a different town 20 mins away to get tested. The thought went from one minor thought to a HUGE fear!! Of course I didn't have it. It was a ridiculous thought, but I let it consume me.
My obsessions are really embarrassing because of course my mind decides to focus on the most humiliating and gross things! (If only I could obsess over something 'normal' lol) I know this is going to sound so so so so weird, but I literally have convinced myself that I'm going to hell because when I was 13 or something I let a cat lick my boob. I REALIZE how insane that osunds, but when I'm nervous, I don't see it. I can't get it out of my head! I think I'm an awful person because of it. Now, I know, rationally, I was a young kid...curious, probably saw something online and got curious I dont even know, but I literally, 7 years later, all of a sudden OBSESS over it to the point where I will compare myself to the most evil people in the world! I've opened up to my therapist and parents and even they think I'm being irrational, and just the fact that I'm posting it in a PUBLIC forum should show how much it's consuming me!! I'll have to constantly ask my mom, "Are you sure I"m a good person? How do you know? What if you just think I am, but I'm really not? Am I as bad a rapist or murderer? Do you think God knows I'm a good person?" WHY CANT I GET THIS OUT OF MY HEAD AND ACCEPT RATIONALITY?
It doesn't matter what it is I'm obsessing over, but when I obsess over something, it totally takes over. I know that it's a symptom of my OCD because whenever I'm calm, I realize how crazy these thoughts are. But when I'm anxious...I can't get RID of them!! I wish my mind had an OFF SWITCH! grrrr!
I told my psychiatrist and we're gonna try new meds soon. I hope to God something works! I've been trying to recognize my symptoms as an illness, so I can put the thoughts to the side and assess them when I'm in a stable mindset but it is SO hard sometimes.
I totally get that this post is out of the ordinary but I know I'm not the only person with OCD whose in fear of going to hell and blah blah even though it's irrational. Please help me!
I don't know you personality, but from reading this post i believe you are a good person and with everything you do, you do the best you can. and i don't think you will go to hell.
I also think that comparing yourself to murders and rapist wont help any one as we are all people and everyone has there up sides and there down but i don't think it helps us to judge.
I think from what you say, that you do have OCD ( but i am not a doctor so i can't diagnose) It sounds like you are doing the best things for yourself such as talking to a psychiatrist and theorist.
I am not sure but when i get something in my mind and i cant get it to leave, i often think about it and over think it, till it is all thought out, when i try NOT to think about it, telling myself not to think about it, which only digs a hole because i find myself still thinking about it, so maybe instead of trying not to think about it, and judging your thought, saying that its weird and not normal, maybe try letting yourself accept that you have thought this and let it go, O.k so i thought this thought and say to your self it does not bother me it is just my brain telling me miss information because i am anxious. stop trying not to think and just let yourself think, its a bit of reverse psychology that really works for me. The key is not to judge yourself and let yourself accept that the thought had popped into your head, it can be hard and takes a bit to getting use to a change in thinking, but talk to your psychologist about and see what they think. if you can accept yourself and accept that your brain does silly things sometimes but that is ok for your brain to do that and maybe learn more about OCD. i know that sometimes the thoughts you have can be disturbing/scarey but know it is just a thought and it is harmless and most likely not true. I hope you might be well on your way to feeling better about yourself.
Sometimes, I also have these unreal thoughts but somehow I force myself not to think. I start jumping around the house or something,
You are not a terrible person. you seem really nice and deserve to be happy as much as you can be. And to do that it is really important to accept yourself the way you are. With all this thoughts and everything. And if you cant do it by yourself that's why psychiatrists exist... Be honest with them, it is the only way they can really help you...
And don't bother yourself with your thoughts so much. They are part of who you are. Survive them and use that time they are not there to do something interesting... while you can.
And the fact they are unreal might help you to accept them. And you cant be the worst person because you are not harming anyone else, And as long as you do that you are not bad at all...
Let your positive side wins this judgmental one... And good luck... Best wishes...
Hi consumeddd, that sounds terrible, it must be exhausting for you to have these thoughts al the time! All i can tell you is this: I used to have severe OCD: I would spends up to 5 hours a day cleaning, closing doors a 100 times in a row etc.
Some people say you never lose OCD, this is not true. The best treatment for OCD is some intense cognitive behavioral therapy. It corrects the way the mind thinks.
A few tips I can give you that will help you are:
1. right down what you're afraid of, and than right down why it's not a rational thought
2. Sometimes you just have to let fears feeling be, because you have to realize every humanbeing is experiencing emotions and they're not bad for you. Let the emotions be, don't do anything about them and eventually they WILL disappear (it make take some time though and at first your fears may become a little worse this is allright though)
3. Ask your dad to get the same therapy, you have to do this together otherwise it wont work (or it'll be more difficult)
4. Meds can help, but they are not the solution. Antidep. are extremely invassive and will only make you more fearfull, please try to stop or limit the medication!
Good luck with all of this, I know how unhappy it can make you AND I know there is something you can do about it!
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