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Not sure of my sexual side ( hocd or denial? ) please help!
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Not sure of my sexual side ( hocd or denial? ) please help!

Hi, I am here to ask you all a question on what you think of my sexual side? Am I gay, bi-sexual, or straight with Homosexual OCD? Tell me what you think and have a read of my story.

Well to start, I am 15year old male living in Ireland and I am confused about my sexual side. I have always liked girls and had crushes on girls but I had never had a crush on a man. But yes I could tell a handsome bloke to an ugly one( I'm pretty sure anyone can ).

It started about 2 months ago when I was studying for my junior certificate exams, I can't remember in detail what happened but I can remember questioning myself asking 'am I gay?' and this really bothered me because I could probably say that my biggest fear is becoming gay(non-homophobic).

I over analysed the situation looking for solutions because I didn't want to be gay and I found Homosexual OCD. I read a few forms and then I thought 'oh this seems a lot like me' and 'maybe I'm just suffereing with hocd'. So this relieved alot of stress on me for about a week but the thoughts would of still been in the back of my mind.

But because OCD feeds on fear ( what ive read not sure if entirely true ) it has gotten a lot stronger. I have a girlfriend and yes I have feelings for her, but this form of OCD makes me think I am not attracted to women anymore.  This frightens me a lot.

I always watch straight porn or lesbian and I would say straight porn would give me an erection faster then lesbian porn and I think this because there is a male involved? But i think thats me overthinking the sistustion, but So this frightened me as well.

I would never like to experience 'gay sex' because I find it horrible ( non homophobic ). I just want to know if my story Sounds like I am a homosexual OCD sufferer or am I a gay male hiding in denial?

Please reply soon as I am very stressed about this.
And I'll post replies on how it is developing!

P.S. if I do sound like an OCD sufferer could you please suggest some things to me to get rid of all this! Thank you.
18 Comments Post a Comment
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1699033_tn?1405352675
Please see my comment to your other post.
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Avatar_f_tn
I haven't got any other posts, please help me
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5084534_tn?1363366657
Hi Adam,

1. About the porn. Why do you get hard faster to the straight porn?. It might be happen bcs you can identify YOU as the male actor. You can actually imagine that you were the actor having sex with the lady..so this can't be sign of homosexuality. Make sense?

2. According to psychoanalytic, all babies born as bisexual. The life they have been trough like paternal pattern, how your parent treat you and try to educate you, make your sexual preference to be straight or homosexual. There is a scale to measure how straight you are. Some people has fantasies making love with his own gender, some disgust it, it's all based on where they are in the "how straight you are" scale. If you think you need to be tested by this scale, I will give you the test later.

3.Are ya a homosexual? Please answer this simple question,imagine a male teacher that you like a lot bcs he is funny and friendly. Now, imagine he was in the car just the two of you.Imagine that he tried to touch you.
WHAT WOULD YOU DO? If you think you will punch his nose, then you don't need to be worried whether you are gay, bcs you are not. BUT if you think you would let him and enjoy him touching you, let's talk more..mkay?

:)
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Avatar_f_tn
Hi and thank you for the reply!

Yes I think that is the reason for the porn! Thank you so much!

And could I take this test please it would help a lot to see my result.

And honestly if a teacher tried to do that I would flip and freak out. I would indeed hit him and tell him to f*** off. That stuff would scare me a lot!

I would love to hear what you have to say!

Thank you so much!
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1699033_tn?1405352675
You wrote under Brendan's original post....here is what I posted there

please see both of my posts regarding HOCD and horrific thoughts in general.  I will bump them up to the top of the forum again.  

In any case, the bottom line is for me at least I totally believe whether we are born gay or not is based in our genetics.  We either are or we are not.  If you find the thought of being with another may sexually as repulsive and not something you would ever like to do, then you are not gay and there is nothing more to ask.  OCD in general is tricky and it does seem to come on when people are at a higher stress level.  You may have had it for some time but just kind of didn't realize it and now that stress has come along, your exams, it showed up in the form of HOCD.  

As you can see from the forum, HOCD is so very common and yes it is normal to notice other people and whether they look good because that is what all people do, we compare ourselves to others to see whether we measure up so to speak.  I still do it and I'm 48.  I might notice how nice her body is and how good she looks in jeans because I want to look as good as the next 48 year old woman...doesn't mean I'm gay.  

OCD is all a mind game that we perpetuate on ourselves.  Sometimes we can get a handle on it without outside intervention by ignoring the thoughts and not giving into the fear, but other times we need the help of a psychologist and/or psychiatrist.  So if the thought doesn't go away, then you sould talk to your parents about getting some help.  

Take care.
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Avatar_m_tn
okay here's my story i dont even want to write this but i know i need help im 18 and i've always liked girls always wanted to be with them in a relationship i remember my first crush i even remember her name what she looks like im sorry if this is all the over the place this hocd or whatever it is im praying for hocd because i dont want to be gay. well i started my first job a few months ago and there's a gay man who works there aswell well i've always been scared that by talking to a gay person would turn me gay and since i was talking to him i must be turning gay and its been about a month and a half now since these thoughts started "maybe im gay" was the first thught i brushed it off at first because i have a girlfiend who i love so much and i want to marry her and have kids but i feel like that isnt right anymore because of these thoughts what is this hocd or denial? i dont want to be gay.  if you need more of my history i've been bullied so i've always had low self esteem but my mind is telling its because you were gay this whole time wtf is that and i keep going through my life to find evidence and i just keep coming on the internet to check i cant stop checking i've tried to i even told myself today i will not check but here i am. i want to my doctor  because of a chest pain but i guess he saw it as panic attacks and anxiety so he sent me to counselling and i got anxiety about the couselling but i guess it helped for a little bit but didnt stop the thoughts.
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Avatar_f_tn
Hello,

Your story seems to me on what I've read of hocd is that you must suffer of it! I've read you are either born straight or gay and since you've had crushes on girls from a very young age, you must be straight because at that age your mins wouldnt hide any feelings or anything so if you had a crush on a guy you would of known if you understand me?

Well anyway, the reason for hocd is because you are afraid of becoming gay? And if you have a girlfriend and feel comfortable with a woman, you aren't gay so I think it is hocd.

I ament a professional at this stuff but your story seems like a sufferer of hocd,

I hope this helps,

Adam.

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Avatar_f_tn
Hello, Adam. I have OCD as well, and I can tell you that this is definitely how it feels. To start off, I used to have these thoughts, and they would scare me a lot. Like they tell you, the thoughts would tell me that I liked other women instead of men. As you are, I tried to test myself. As hard as this will sound, DO NOT TEST YOURSELF. Testing yourself further will only make it worse. Get your mind off of it, I mean this by just think about how much you like the opposite sex and you will know you are not gay. I know this is a huge monster to fight, and I've been fighting it for a while, but now I know that I'm straight without a doubt, and you can too. Go to therapy, tell someone, this is a serious problem.
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Avatar_f_tn
Hello and thanks for the reply,

Okay it is good to know that I have hocd! But my hocd keeps making me think that I don't have it and that I am just in denial, but I am 100% percent sure I am straight!

My mind is always playing tricks on me Aswell with the hocd and it is very annoying! I just want it to stop!
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Avatar_m_tn
hi and thank you for the rplies as well,
my mind is doing exactly that right now making me feel like im just in denial and that cant be true and this is starting to just kill me i cant put up with this anymore and have no idea how to make it stop? is it possible that the hocd is affecting my attraction to anyone? i feel very asexual right now and that makes me feel even worse about it but now my anxiety is gone which makes me feel like im accepting it
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Avatar_m_tn
I am staring to get pissed and at the moment its about my d**m computer. This is the 3rd time I have tried to post to this forum and each time I have spent hours only to have it disappear before my eyes.

This time I'm not going to go into the least bit of detail as to why I have been confused since 4...apparently its just a waste of f**cking time.

I'm just curious if anyone else has this confusion stemming from an early childhood sexual assault.

I will say this and hopefully it wont be erased AGAIN!!!!!!!!! what happened to me was premeditated, calculated and systematic. It seems it was their intension to cunfuse me on this very subject.

It remained a repressed memory for over 20 years while the confusion was prevalent because of the society we live in

I hate that I feel completely alone, incredibly misunderstood, and despise my "inner child" because I feel completely at fault...I was 4 and they made it very clear it was being done because I was gay.  Who the f**ck is gay at 4. I had no damn clue about the world I lived in.

But It was an issue prior to the assault so I view my self as not only the adults in my life did but as my perpetrators too.

This has been an issue for my entire life. But I have no desire for the same sex. I have been only with the opposite sex. Usually liked it not all that i have been with were my type.

I dont let my self like what I like I think I am so far in the closet I have fabricated an attraction to the opposite sex all the we back to early puberty and even a little before.

I have completely illogical connections in my mind. Hell my food choices as a kid were determined to be gay.

I'm at the point I want to make my self gay just to stop fight with myself but then I have to be intimat with men and I can never be with a woman again.

These are just the tips of the ice burg but my mind is obsessed with this s**t. I just want to live in peace with myself and my past. AND MOVE THE F**CK ON!!!!!
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5084534_tn?1363366657
Just please keep this in mind...
GAY or HOMOSEXUAL means you are ATTRACTED sexually to your fellow the same gender...period.

So do not worry when you are NOT attracted. You are NOT a gay...lol

Yes, some people do fantasies (sometime for fun due to their life style, or porn movie) gay sexual activity, and some just disgust it, some curious and want to see, some giggle, some enjoy...but as long as you are not going to do it yourself, you are not yet a gay.

Yes some people made friend with gays, some even don't afraid to hold hand with them and chat, but it doesn't mean they are gay as long as they are not doing any homosexual activity.

Some people forced to do homosexual activity, in prison, sexual abused as a child, are they become gay? As long as they are not ENJOYING any homosexual activity, they are not gay.

If they are enjoying homosexual and heterosexual activity as much, they will be called "Bisexual". Some Bisexual even not really bisexual just for "being cool" which is common in teens with lack of confidence problem.
They try to be "different" and have a "brand image" and that's not even called as "gay" nor "bisexual" mentally.

So, people..calm down..
Homosexuality is not contagious...it is a latent stuff sometime, some gay doesn't come out, how to tell? A professional who deal a lot with them usually can tell from the way they talk/ daily behavior but they also need some psychological tests to make sure.
How people become gay? IT's not bcs of the rape/the sexual activity they received/ abuse/ hang out with gay too much..etc..nope..it is already there when you  reached 5 years old (Sigmund Freud,the father of psychoanalytic).
It will take me a whole book to talk about how a child develop homosexuality, but as long as you are not interested in gay activity even afraid to imagine and try...you are NOT gay ;)

oh, I'll send the test asap Adam, thru your inbox mkay?

take care y'all
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5084534_tn?1363366657
PS:  I will send the test for ya Adam, bcs u seem interested..not because I think you have some homesexual latent or things like that okay..lol..
Just in case you think that way..:)
if you have a scan, and can send me some drawing I might want ya to do, it may help more.
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Avatar_f_tn
Hi, i feel a bit embarrassed writing this but i feel its for my own benefit and for others too, i am also what i believe to be a ocd suffer of unwanted and intrusive thoughts about the same sex. And i can tell you it is hard, im starting my first day of counselling tomorrow because unfortunately these thoughts have driven me to depression. I took the wrong way in dealing with the thoughts where i would let them take over me and control me. I have a happy relationship with a boy (im female) who ive been with for 6 months and love the bones of! I too imagine getting married and having a family with my boyfriend. All i can say for what ive learned so far is not to push your thoughts to the back of your mind let them come and think of them, if you push them away like i did theyll come back with a vengeance and they will take control. Ive always likedboys from being little, having silly little crushes on zac efron and vin diesel, and i find my boyfriend extremely attractive so i know im 100% straight, the thoughts to have a tendancy to make you believe thatyou are gay or even straight for gay people but you need to keep reminding yourself you are not. If you were gay youd enjoy the thoughts and images in your head and if you dont enjoy and try to push them out then you know youre straight. I hope somewhat of this helped you guys :)
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Avatar_m_tn
I'm not going to go into depth about this, but honestly, the misconceptions about how people come to realize they are gay, are mind blowing.  I'm a lesbian.  I was also boy crazy when I was young.  Preference as a child is often influenced by what you are taught, rather than what you naturally would be drawn to.

It is not so cut and dry as many seem to be making it out to be.  Being a lesbian, I obviously know MANY MANY gay people.  I've heard 100's of stories.  At least half of them, were unaware that they were gay until they were in their late teens or early twenties.  And some of them didn't even know until much later.  

Simple fact: Not any one of us can tell you whether or not you are gay based on anything from your past.  If we could, I guarantee every single person here would have thought I was straight.  Along with MANY of my gay friends.  The past does not predict the future.  That's not to say it's not indicative.  But there are many more factors than just "I liked the opposite sex and now I'm 15 and I must still like them because I always did."  Why did you like them?  Were you expected to?  Is it what was modeled for you?  Did you see your friends doing it?  Who knows.  The point is, eventually, your true orientation will present itself.

And for the record, fearing being something, does in fact make you phobic of it.

Fact: I very much identified as straight, had boyfriends, had sex with men, and zero interest in the same sex until I was 20 years old.  I'm not in my 30's and am very much gay and am repulsed by the idea of being with men.  So don't tell me that if you're gay, you always know it or always live a life that is gay.  That is simply not true.  Every journey is different.
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Avatar_m_tn
hi ms cindy, can i have the test too? I have read a LOT of forums and i think i have hocd. At first i didn't know that there is such thing (HOCD) thinking that i am becoming gay, and then i started googling, "am i gay" and came across the term HOCD. It was a big relief that i am not gay and this is just HOCD (well, at first..) but that was just temporary. The doubting never stopped. What if i'm just saying that i have hocd and i'm really gay? Well, this post would not end if i'll continue. I know you are used to(tired...lol) hearing this over and over so i'll just cut to the chase. I really need your help. I could talk about it more if you have time and that would be much appreciated. And thank you.
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1699033_tn?1405352675
Please read my post "Is this HOCD or not" which I will bump back up to the top of the forum.  There is no test to determine if you are gay or not.  Genetics determine if we are gay or not.  If you have any other questions, let me know.  
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Avatar_f_tn
I have had this stupid hocd thoughts as well. I thought I was going crazy. Definitely a chemical imbalance caused by stress. I obsess about everything and then oneday that popped in my head. It stuck for a longtime. I love women and everything about them. Never did I dream or feel anything about men. The OCD got worse and drove me nuts.  I know I'm straight and always was. I guess the mind plays trucks on us when we get so stressed out. My doctor recently put me on lexapro and a anxiety pill. Working great but sometimes I have to reassure myself by reading articles that this is normal and it will pass with time.
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