Firstly, I suffer with OCD which currently involves worrying about contact with kids.
Right now it involves wrongs my brain is telling me I did.
When I was 21 I was a bit naughty and met up with someone and spent time in a hotel room. I don't remember much more....it was 9 years ago.
But now I'm panicking that he may have been underage?! I never forced him to do anything but I just remember the convo being a bit 'simple' or childish.
Surely as a fully grown 21 year old I'd have been shocked if I was greeted by a underage kid?! Most my boyfriends etc were always at least 2 years older than me so I doubt I'd have met up with someone underage intentionally.
What you are afraid of is all part of OCD. "OMG, what-if?" It doesn't matter how long ago it was, we will find a way to fixate on it, twist it into something it is not, and catastrophize it to death.
You are right, at 21 you would know if you were with somebody underage. It has been 9 years as you stated. Nothing can come of this EVER, it was so long ago. So you need to remind yourself with a positive statement of fact rather than letting your mind go wild.
I know this is hard because I have the tendency to do this myself. "OMG, I've been seeing that water on my basement floor for years, the wall is going to cave in." I spent years looking at that water without a problem but when a stresser takes over, suddenly that water means a catastrophy and I have to work really hard to get past it.
If you haven't seen a psychologist for your OCD, then now is the time to start. I'm sure something has changed in your life that has notched up your stress level and boom you are back 9 years ago worrying about something. You need to learn CBT so that you can help yourself when things like this happen. Learn how to breathe, learn how to journal these negative thoughts into positive ones, learn to be able to say "ENOUGH" and actually let these things go.
You may be thinking to yourself, how can I tell a psychologist I THINK I was with somebody underage? Let me just say, that nothing you could tell a therapist would ever be a surprise. They have heard everything. And they are professional and will know that this is just one more mind game your OCD is playing on you.
I do suffer with Pure O but there are things I know I have done/felt that I think are actually terrible.
It first started with me wondering if I messed with younger kids when I was 12 but then it escalated into trying to remember every instance I had been around children and bang...I remembered:
Once I was staying on the sofa at my mates who had 2 young kids.
I remember getting myself off when everyone had gone to bed and now I am worried I was thinking about the children during it!
2) I used to use chat lines (like sending voice messages to each other) in my early to mid 20's and I vaguely remember some guy talking about kids or his daughter or something. I'm now worried I masturbated to that too.
I know I did get off on an adult guy telling me about incest with his mum (I'm not proud but honest)
3) I did used to read the Taboo/Incest erotic stories when I was early 20's and I know I got off to some incest ones....but maybe children or teens too?
4) I remember when I was 23 thinking that my mates 16 year old brother was attractive.
5) When I was 13 and that same boy was 4 I remember someone saying something about him having lovely long eyelashes....maybe I fancied him then too?!
About me: Had OCD all my life and the pocd started 6 years ago but stopped quickly and came back 6 months ago.
I am in a successful relationship and am engaged.
I have had private therapy but can no longer afford it and am being referred by the NHS.
I am on Meds.
Other previous worries have included Harm OCD, fear of sexual diseases, hand washing but these aren't present currently.
On the sexual side....all I remember is that I didn't have my first kiss til I was 14, shortly followed by sexual experience with the same boy (not full sex) and he was my age. Lost my virginity at 15.
As a child I was reserved and didn't even take part in 'doctors and nurses' games. I also wouldn't even go in a swimming pool with a boy!
So....I don't know if I've done anything? Maybe I touched the younger kids when I was 12. Maybe I touched my mates children when I was mid 20's?! I can't be sure.
But the masturbation stuff is more likely as I have some memory of reading that stuff or that guy telling me it.
For some reason my memory is also telling me I used to like the idea of shaven young girls...I think maybe a guy on chat described a young girl with small boobs etc. :/. I hate this...I don't know what's real.
All I can say for sure is I do not watch porn with even teen girls that the sites certify are legal. I watch regular stuff these days.
Argh I feel like a monster!
Long story short: if I had touched children when I was 11 I'd remember right and I was a child myself? One who wasn't flaunting her body and quite innocent.
If I had touched my mates kids in my 20s I wouldn't have forgotten? I'd have been horrified since....not forget about it for years.
If I got off over children surely that wouldn't just happen once??
I'm also worried about the ages of people I used to cam with in group rooms years ago (when I was 18-20) and had inappropriate chat with...but like I say...my mum tells me I went for older boys not teens so why would I have looked to talk to them online?
Hi there. Since we are not actual doctors on this site, I think all of your questions should be presented to your therapist. It is a bit complicated in that OCD makes us sometimes think that fiction is fact and I'm not sure how much of that you are doing. You obviously have a lot of incidents that you are fixating on and doing the what-if thing so that is why I think all of us should defer to what your therapist says. Sorry I couldn't be of more help. This is not something that I have experience with and I don't want to say the wrong thing. I think that just knowing you have OCD has a lot to do with your thinking process. Take care and I'm sure the therapist can help you with these situations whether real or perceived.
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