OCD- Do I have HIV?

[TreTre2012]

I've had HIV fear for the past 7 years.  I was always able to manage it with medication.  Whenever confronted with a situation where I became anxious about contracting HIV, I'd just remind myself that is not how people contract the virus.  I am currently pregnant and went off my medication.  Due to my pregnancy, I was tested for HIV which came back negative.  I convinced myself that I had a risk encounter, even though I could not remember it.  My OCD makes me not trust my memory.  I got retested 3 months later, which also turned out to be negative.  Now, I am constantly worried about a situation that happened when I was getting my blood drawn for the second HIV test.  The blood taker picked up the medical tape to tape the cotton ball she used to cover up my wound.  I noticed blood on the medical tape she used.  I have convinced myself that I have contracted HIV from this encounter.  I think about it from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep.  I had to go back on my medication at a low dosage because I became so anxiety ridden that I wasn't eating or sleeping.  I'm not sure what steps to take next.  I am going to start seeing a therapist that specializes in CBT.  Hopefully that will help.  The only problem is, is I am convinced I have HIV and now my baby will have it because I can't be put on medication for it without waiting the 90 day window period. When I am not at home, I am constantly worried about contracting HIV.  When I am at home, I obsessing over not transmitting the virus to my family members.  I wipe down the toilet everytime I use it, I wipe down the sink because my gums have started to bleed.  I'm afraid that a bloody booger is going to fall out of my nose because my nose has been bloody because of my pregnancy.  I'm completely consumed.

[babygirl857]

You are not alone my family thinks I'm crazy. Like you I wiped down my sinks because my gums bled and I thought someone will come use it after me and I will put them at risk for hiv. I have thought of this disease so much that I made myself believe I have it and I don't

[JGF25]

You are not seeking the right help.  "Countless HIV" tests confirms this.  When will it stop?  You really need to get some professional help to deal with this irrational thought process.  Since you used the term "bloody tiring" I'm going to assume you are overseas.  If so, go see your GP and get a referral to a psychologist.  I know it can take some time.  In the mean time why not try getting the book The OCD Workbook:  Your guide to breaking free from OCD.  I think you will find it beneficial.  

Take care.  

[gin12345678]

when i read ur post i suddenly felt like im not alone. like u, i also have been battling with ocd and anxiety for about 2 yrs, fearful of getting hiv from everything from a cut to sleepwalking!!!!  i think it started when i read an article abt sexsomnia and somehow have been crazy afraid of sleepwalking and having sex with someone and catching it without even knowing! its soo bloody tiring ive gone for countless hiv tests all negative but yet my crazy brain cannot stop. sigh. i hope u get better. :)

[michael852]

God I just started going through this OCD,how did yall cope with it?

[JGF25]

No risk whatsoever.  You are doing the "What-if" thing and that just leads down a very bad road.  You have to remember the transmission ways of HIV and understand that what you deem as "risk situations" really are not risk situations.  Unless you have unprotected intercourse with an HIV infected person, get a transfusion with HIV infected blood, stick yourself with a needle from an HIV infected person, you don't have any risk.  If a person sticks themselves with an HIV infected needle, their chances of seroconverting are less than 1 percent and that is with ACTUAL HIV present.  Fall back on your CBT techniques to deal with this HIV anxiety.  Take care.

[TreTre2012]

I keep having risk situations happen.  Today at work, I used the phone right after a guy who is very promiscious.  My ear has a sore on it and has bled before.  I put the phone to my ear not thinking about it.  What if his ear was bleeding too?  I wiped the phone off and it was disgusting, brown and orange crud.  Not sure if I saw any blood but am still scared to death.  Please tell me this is just my OCD and not a risk.  

[lola099]

I understand how you feel, I have had the same anxious fears about HIV.

When you read that something "is a risk" it does not mean that you have contracted the disease. From what I gather, any exposure to blood can be a risk, but that does not mean that it was or is. The blood would have had to have been fresh, a few minutes in the air and it is dead. The blood was on the tape that did not touch your blood. The body bleeds out so for blood to get into your system is a little more difficult than that.

I know all of this as I type it, and I know that you do as well. But I also know that it is not easy to believe or just let go of the fear.

I am in constant fear myself that I have contracted a bllod borne disease and will infect my family as well. I cover all scratches before visting my baby nephew, even the ones that are healed and just marks. I also wipe down the sink, wash my clothing seperate if there is any of my blood on it, and when I am on my period... you don't want to know the stress. all of this because my OCD is fear of conamination and fear of hurting someone I love. My life is out of control and all because of this.

Please, dont let your life get out of control. Talk to someone, a Dr is a good start. Lower dosage of medication may take longer to work, but stay strong. And stay healthy because your baby needs you. You need your sleep and to eat and to help him or her grow. Focus on what you need to do to help your baby not what may have happened. I know, I know easier said than done.

[TreTre2012]

Thanks for your comment.  I know exactly how you feel.  I hope the medication works for you and seeing a counselor is very good too.  Unfortunately, in my area, I don't have any CBT specialist, only regular therapists.  I have looked all over for someone who helps people with OCD or CBT but no luck.  I have not been able to enjoy my pregnancy and won't be able to until my baby is born without HIV.  :( Sad, I know.

[TreTre2012]

Thanks for your reply, JGF25.  I did go get the workbook you suggested and also Brain Lock.  I still think about that possible exposure episode 100 times a day.  I replay it over and over in my head.  I am not able to convince myself that it wasn't a possible exposure.  I have convinced myself it is a definite exposure risk from what I've read on the CDC website.  All one has to do is come in contact with blood and if it enters the blood stream that is a risk.  This can happen at any time and any place because people bleed without knowing it all the time.  It has been exactly 3 weeks since the possibly exposure took place and it feels like my world is doomed.  I'm back on my medication for 3 weeks now, at a very low dosage.  It's not working at all.  I don't know what else to do.  I almost feel like I need to just stay closed in my house and not come out.  I know I can't do that but everything terrifies me.

[livestr0ng]

i have the exacttt same OCD. with HIV =(

[FightagainstOCD]

Hi,

I totally understand your concern as I suffer from the same kind of OCD. Believe me you are good, please relax as pregnancy is the important phase of your life.I am obsessed with the same kind of fear. The OCD of HIV is making my life hard. Everyday and every moment I am trying to convince myself that everything is good.

I cannot walk, sit or do any normal activity because I fear about it all the time. I am not able to enjoy my life. I think about it all the time and it makes me very anxious.

But I am trying to take control over it. I am back on medication and I am waiting to see a counsellor. All I want to tell you is you are not alone.Please enjoy this phase of your life and have a great future ahead.

[JGF25]

Hi there.  I'm sorry you are going through such a tough time.  Pregnancy is hard for someone with OCD because the hormonal changes kind of through us off.  I know because when I got pregnant, I too had to go back on meds because my OCD got out of control.  And just to ease your mind a bit, at least for me, my children turned out fine.  

I don't think for a second you have HIV.  I know you know deep down inside this is an irrational thought.  You are really off the charts and stuck in the viscious cycle of irrational thinking.  You need to try to stop the train wreck.  It is good you are going to someone who specializes in CBT.  That does a world of good, especially the controlled breathing.  Also you may try some meditation.  I'm not sure how long you have been back on the meds but they should kick in soon and for me, it made me myself again and I could actually enjoy being pregnant....both times.  

You may want to keep a journal for now and start by writing down your negative thoughts and replacing them with positive ones.  People don't get HIV this way...if they did, we would all be infected.  HIV just cannot survive in the air and therefore could never be passed on to you in this manner.  

Also, try getting the book, The OCD Workbook, Your Guide to Breaking Free from OCD.  

Take care and post again if you need anything or to just let us know how you are doing.