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OCD, alcohol, HIV, please help
Hi, I have suffered with OCD for the past couple years, my main worry being somehow getting or already having HIV. On new years eve i ended up drinking way too much, which I know was stupid because i always freak out afterwards and worry about if I did something stupid or if something happened to me when I was drunk. For new years eve I drank at a friends house harder then I have in a while and actually blacked out (don't remember) from like 1-3am, which is when my friend said he though ppl went to bed but he was just as drunk. When I woke up in the morinng I was on the couch in the basement and it has been hell ever since.
If i do black out from drinking, which rarely happens I can usually remember a bit or piece of something that happened after I got to the black out stage. Only thing i remembered from this point was that while laying on the couch at some point I freaked and either said out loud or to myself "omg am i having a heart attack" and that's it. The other part of the story is that at my friends house it was a small group and I knew everyone except my friends dad's girlfriend who seemed shady to me and I usually don't trust ppl i don't know. So ever since I've been asking myself what could I have done or someone done to me that would make me feel as though i was having a heart attack.
From here my OCD really kicked in and I have convinced myself that my friends dad's girlfriend did something to me or that I did something stupid with her like sex for example but don't think I did. Also I donated blood to the red cross the day before so of course I had a needle mark from getting my blood drawn and this has me worried that my friends dads girlfriend stuck me with a needle and gave me some sort of drug that can make you feel like your having a heart attack like rush like heroin (only know because I've done the research,I'm not a drug user). I don't see why I would have thought I was having a heart attack when I was drunk unless something like this was done to me because when I'm drunk I eventually just pass out and don't have freak outs while drunk, so I am worried that something bad happened to me while I was black out drunk, but now can't remember because of this. Besides not knowing what may have happened to me I am convinced that my friends dads girlfriend somehow at somepoint gave me a drug with a used needle that made me have the "omg am I having a heart attack" moment, but that the dirty needle has also given me HIV. No idea if my friends dads girlfriend has HIV or uses drugs, but it's the only thing that comes to mind since our car keys were taken so we couldn't have gone anywhere and we live in the country so there was no where real bad I could have gone too.
I am very sorry for the long post, as you can tell I am freaking out over this because I really don't want to have HIV or have had anything bad happen to me. I know I sound crazy to some of you I'm sure, but I know there are others like me that have bad OCD, especially when it comes to HIV. If anyone can help me try to understand or make sense of my situation, bring in some educated reasoning or anything that may help me with this so I don't go crazy I would gladly appreciate it!
If i do black out from drinking, which rarely happens I can usually remember a bit or piece of something that happened after I got to the black out stage. Only thing i remembered from this point was that while laying on the couch at some point I freaked and either said out loud or to myself "omg am i having a heart attack" and that's it. The other part of the story is that at my friends house it was a small group and I knew everyone except my friends dad's girlfriend who seemed shady to me and I usually don't trust ppl i don't know. So ever since I've been asking myself what could I have done or someone done to me that would make me feel as though i was having a heart attack.
From here my OCD really kicked in and I have convinced myself that my friends dad's girlfriend did something to me or that I did something stupid with her like sex for example but don't think I did. Also I donated blood to the red cross the day before so of course I had a needle mark from getting my blood drawn and this has me worried that my friends dads girlfriend stuck me with a needle and gave me some sort of drug that can make you feel like your having a heart attack like rush like heroin (only know because I've done the research,I'm not a drug user). I don't see why I would have thought I was having a heart attack when I was drunk unless something like this was done to me because when I'm drunk I eventually just pass out and don't have freak outs while drunk, so I am worried that something bad happened to me while I was black out drunk, but now can't remember because of this. Besides not knowing what may have happened to me I am convinced that my friends dads girlfriend somehow at somepoint gave me a drug with a used needle that made me have the "omg am I having a heart attack" moment, but that the dirty needle has also given me HIV. No idea if my friends dads girlfriend has HIV or uses drugs, but it's the only thing that comes to mind since our car keys were taken so we couldn't have gone anywhere and we live in the country so there was no where real bad I could have gone too.
I am very sorry for the long post, as you can tell I am freaking out over this because I really don't want to have HIV or have had anything bad happen to me. I know I sound crazy to some of you I'm sure, but I know there are others like me that have bad OCD, especially when it comes to HIV. If anyone can help me try to understand or make sense of my situation, bring in some educated reasoning or anything that may help me with this so I don't go crazy I would gladly appreciate it!
I have suffered from OCD for 11 years and was doing some research on the internet when i came across your post. it was like reading my own thoughts! like you, having/getting HIV is my biggest preoccupation, it ruins my life. what im trying to say is thankyou for yor post, it gives me great comfort that there are people that share the same thoughts as me, i dont feel like im in a position to offer help/advice but i wanted to let you know you are not alone
I'm going through similar things. Big relief to know I'm not alone here.
The rational part of my brain seems to be getting stronger and stronger, realising that I didn't get attacked with a needle. However I am still feeling 'symptoms'. I'm beginning to wonder whether these are related to stress.
The rational part of my brain seems to be getting stronger and stronger, realising that I didn't get attacked with a needle. However I am still feeling 'symptoms'. I'm beginning to wonder whether these are related to stress.
All I can say is that I have so much relief now knowing there are others like me....I have been researching any and every disease with every physical ailment for 2 yrs, and since the symptoms wont go away..I still believe I am dying. Its really out of control the older i get. I am now 30. From what I can remember, it started as a teen when i smoked of a guy's cig who was rumored to have HIV. I wasted yrs thinking that i might have it. How ridiculous. But now I have a major problem! Help!
You're very welcome! :)
I have had OCD since I was a young kid....like age 7 or 8 and I am 36 now! That's a hell of a long time! It was really mild until I got pregnant and then it just kicked into high gear. I stupidly tried ignoring it thinking I'd get over it, but I never did. Over time I hit a point where I was letting OCD control my every waking thought and action. It's caused by a chemical imbalance in your brain and some days (depending on your stress level, amount of sleep you're getting and so on) it can be worse than other days, which is why you feel like you're teeter tottering. One day you'll feel pretty good and not so anxiety ridden, and then BAM!...the next day you feel like you'll explode from the nervousness and thoughts you have. I get it! It's a roller coaster ride...
I don't know if you know this, but WHO (world health organization) actually listed OCD in their top 10 list of most debilitating illnesses to live with! It really is a nightmare filled with suffering for many, many of us. And you're right, people who do not have OCD do not understand what we go through. They think there is some switch in our brains that we should be able to just click to fix the issue, but it obviously just doesn't work that way. I have a wonderful husband who I have been married to since I was 17, and he tries his best to help me deal with it, but even he has his moments where he's like "Just stop!" lol I'd love to be able to "just stop" but I can't reach into my brain and balance the chemicals that are out of whack. They don't understand what severe anxiety and broken record type thoughts can do to a person. It's tough living this way, and tough trying to explain to other people with normal functioning brains just what we deal with. For years I avoided telling anyone because of the stigma attached to OCD of being crazy. But I got sick of hiding it. I'm not nuts and this is a real illness. No different from a diabetic or someone with a seizure disorder. We are of sound mind, there's just a glitch in the system.
Feel free to message me for whatever reason. I try to help as much as I can. I feel like I know A LOT on this subject seeing as how I have lived it for so man years and spent a lot of time trying to get a handle on it. If anything though, I can lend moral support.
I have had OCD since I was a young kid....like age 7 or 8 and I am 36 now! That's a hell of a long time! It was really mild until I got pregnant and then it just kicked into high gear. I stupidly tried ignoring it thinking I'd get over it, but I never did. Over time I hit a point where I was letting OCD control my every waking thought and action. It's caused by a chemical imbalance in your brain and some days (depending on your stress level, amount of sleep you're getting and so on) it can be worse than other days, which is why you feel like you're teeter tottering. One day you'll feel pretty good and not so anxiety ridden, and then BAM!...the next day you feel like you'll explode from the nervousness and thoughts you have. I get it! It's a roller coaster ride...
I don't know if you know this, but WHO (world health organization) actually listed OCD in their top 10 list of most debilitating illnesses to live with! It really is a nightmare filled with suffering for many, many of us. And you're right, people who do not have OCD do not understand what we go through. They think there is some switch in our brains that we should be able to just click to fix the issue, but it obviously just doesn't work that way. I have a wonderful husband who I have been married to since I was 17, and he tries his best to help me deal with it, but even he has his moments where he's like "Just stop!" lol I'd love to be able to "just stop" but I can't reach into my brain and balance the chemicals that are out of whack. They don't understand what severe anxiety and broken record type thoughts can do to a person. It's tough living this way, and tough trying to explain to other people with normal functioning brains just what we deal with. For years I avoided telling anyone because of the stigma attached to OCD of being crazy. But I got sick of hiding it. I'm not nuts and this is a real illness. No different from a diabetic or someone with a seizure disorder. We are of sound mind, there's just a glitch in the system.
Feel free to message me for whatever reason. I try to help as much as I can. I feel like I know A LOT on this subject seeing as how I have lived it for so man years and spent a lot of time trying to get a handle on it. If anything though, I can lend moral support.
Thank you so much for your response. I know that all my worrying is caused by my OCD. When I'm occupied with something I don't even worry about it or when I'm actually thinking rationally about it I talk myself through it and tell myself, why would anyone drug someone and purposely try and give them HIV, especially when they don't even really know the person and that what I do seem to remember, the "omg am I having a heart attack" moment is most likely from me thinking this to myself because my heart was racing from all the alcohol or me having a panic attack. Though if I was having a panic attack while drunk does worry me because I don't freak and worry when I'm drunk, that happens when I sober up. So then of course I go right back into thinking omg was I having a panic attack because something bad happened to me and thats why I was freaking out?! As you can see and probably know it's one twisted and horrible cycle.
It's amazing how at one point I can look at it and be like nothing bad probably happened why am I freaking out over this and then in another moment I'll freak about every tiny detail and try to remember everything that happened. I have been working on my OCD and had been doing better before this stupid night of hard drinking. I don't plan on drinking more then a beer or two for a long while and I try and keep myself occupied so I don't sit around and stew and focus on that night then because anyone with OCD knows that that's really when you start to focus on every little thing and crazy ideas and situations start popping in your head that most ppl would say sound crazy. I know there is meds for OCD and if I keep having problems on a regular basis then I'll probably look into them.
I'm glad that there are other people that are just like me and worry about the stuff I do, makes me feel sane since all of my close family member and friends don't suffer from OCD. Others around me seem to find OCD a really hard thing to understand, like they don't know why I worry so much about the things I do and if I tell them any of my irrational thoughts they of course can see they are irrational and crazy but yet I still am like yea but it could of happened.
Anyway thank you so much for responding to my post and you have been very helpful. I will keep in touch with you if you don't mind since you have been very helpful and caring and know how bad OCD can be. Also I know what your talking about with the worrying about cancer, thankfully I don't really worry about cancer too much, but I know that is a big worry for people with OCD as well as worrying about HIV like me, if you need or want someone to talk to about it just message me. Good luck with your OCD and thank you again for helping me.
It's amazing how at one point I can look at it and be like nothing bad probably happened why am I freaking out over this and then in another moment I'll freak about every tiny detail and try to remember everything that happened. I have been working on my OCD and had been doing better before this stupid night of hard drinking. I don't plan on drinking more then a beer or two for a long while and I try and keep myself occupied so I don't sit around and stew and focus on that night then because anyone with OCD knows that that's really when you start to focus on every little thing and crazy ideas and situations start popping in your head that most ppl would say sound crazy. I know there is meds for OCD and if I keep having problems on a regular basis then I'll probably look into them.
I'm glad that there are other people that are just like me and worry about the stuff I do, makes me feel sane since all of my close family member and friends don't suffer from OCD. Others around me seem to find OCD a really hard thing to understand, like they don't know why I worry so much about the things I do and if I tell them any of my irrational thoughts they of course can see they are irrational and crazy but yet I still am like yea but it could of happened.
Anyway thank you so much for responding to my post and you have been very helpful. I will keep in touch with you if you don't mind since you have been very helpful and caring and know how bad OCD can be. Also I know what your talking about with the worrying about cancer, thankfully I don't really worry about cancer too much, but I know that is a big worry for people with OCD as well as worrying about HIV like me, if you need or want someone to talk to about it just message me. Good luck with your OCD and thank you again for helping me.
You're not crazy! Crazy people don't know they're crazy and think their thoughts and behaviors are normal. You DO see your irrational thinking here but your OCD tries to convince you otherwise. OCD causes intrusive, irrational, ridiculous and repetitive thoughts/actions. You don't sound crazy to someone who also suffers with severe OCD...such as me. I know EXACTLY what you're going through and feeling, but you got to know that this is all due to OCD. If you sit down and really look at this in a logical way, you know that the possibility of this guys girlfriend slipping drugs into your arm through a needle is pretty remote. I mean, it's just not logical. You didn't even know her and she would have to nothing to gain by slipping you drugs. I know you really feel as though this heart attack feeling had to of been brought on by this "shady looking girlfriend" but the reality is it was due to the drinking. That is what overdrinking can do. You blacked out. You probably had an anxiety attack and anxiety attacks can produce heart attack-like symptoms. OCD is an anxiety disorder afterall. You really should think about going and getting some help for this. There are medications that help bring this under control, because if you don't get a handle on this now it's just going to get a whole lot worse. I have an intense fear over cancer. I worry every single sniffle, scratch mark, red spot, ANYTHING...can be a sign my husband is developing cancer somewhere. Any OCD sufferer will tell you that this is one of the biggest signs of OCD; the irrational thinking.
I know there probaby isn't much I can say to help you out here, because I know how it is for me when people try to convince me I am being irrational, but I hope you'll be able to remove yourself for a minute from your situation and look over what you typed. You're bound to see that this really is just in your head. It's your OCD talking, not you.
Hang in there and if I can be of any further help, please message me.
I know there probaby isn't much I can say to help you out here, because I know how it is for me when people try to convince me I am being irrational, but I hope you'll be able to remove yourself for a minute from your situation and look over what you typed. You're bound to see that this really is just in your head. It's your OCD talking, not you.
Hang in there and if I can be of any further help, please message me.
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