OCD/Anxiety of HIV and Needles

[DanielOrange]

I suffer from HIV anxiety and OCD. This is nothing new for me, unfortunately, its been ongoing for years with its up's and down's. I've recently began the process of seeking counseling. I do credit myself for improving, which in the past, I would fear the touch of everyday objects, but now, I have narrowed my phobia down to almost a single concern. I have the fear of coming across a dirty needle, which will stick either my baby, girlfriend, or I. Its a horrible feeling. I fear when my girlfriend wears sandals. Its ridiculous. At times, my mind plays tricks on me, where I see "syringes" on the ground. Which in turn, I will need to take photographs of the area, but the funny thing is, I hardly review them. Just obtaining the photographs alone helps ease my mind, in most cases that is. I would love to talk with everyone and hopefully make progress myself.

Now being a parent, this has made it even worse. I now have the same fear for my baby, which adds to my girlfriend and I. I even have dreams about finding needles or getting poked.

Just to give a brief background of myself - I'm 29 years old, just had my first baby boy, and have been with my girlfriend for nearly six years. We just purchased our first home together, but to be honest, my phobia has taken a toll on our relationship - another reason for needing improvement. I work full time, which I've been with my current employer for nearly eight years. I am also finishing up my masters degree with four months left of my program. I have ambitions to continue on with either a PhD or a JD.

I wish all who experience this sort of condition the very best, it truly can be hell.

~ Cheers.

[JGF25]

I'm a bit late here...sorry.  Were you successful in finding a therapist to see?  People with OCD that goes untreated usually develop their own coping skills that allow them to find closure on some of the thoughts but then stress comes along and the OCD irrational thinking comes back.  You now have another person to "worry" about and so I think you are spiking.  

You obviously know there are no needles.  Have you educated yourself on the statistics of becoming HIV positive when you are stuck with a HIV syringe?  It is less than 1 percent actually.  I don't know if this will help you in the long-term but perhaps give you some comfort until you can start therapy.  

Therapy will cover a wide range of things.  Learning to do controlled breathing, replacing bad thoughts with good ones, self-coaching.  There are a whole host of things that you can use to help yourself when the thoughts come.  Also, there is medication if you are so inclined.  I take medication...

[DanielOrange]

I actually sent in my updated insurance information yesterday. I agree with the coping techniques and my son making me spike. I want to avoid using medication. Yeah, when I think rationale, I know I'm over reacting but, then, my mind races and I think I'm going to be that 1 in a million unlucky person. Any tips?

[meemoll]

You are not alone in this type of OCD.  I have it too.  Summertime and lots of days at the beach are a challenge.  I have 2 kids that run around barefoot the whole time at the beach.  I have never seen a needle, but worry that every poke, or lollipop stick is a needle.  It is tough.  You just have to keep going, keep living your life.  Therapy and medication can help.  I get triggered many times.

[DanielOrange]

Thanks for the reply. Its a double edged sword, on one hand, I'm glad I'm not alone, on the other, I wish we all never experience such a thing. How long have you battled with this? What are some of the techniques that you use to cope?

[meemoll]

I try very hard to resist checking to see if something is a "syringe". The more you resist, the less you listen to the OCD trying to tell you that it is a "syringe".  I remind myself that before I had OCD I walked barefoot all the time and never ever  worried about needles.  It is the OCD doing all the talking.  I say "what is the risk", does anyone else have this worry, even if it does happen (extremely unlikely) the chances of getting HIV are very very small.  Even if this horrible thing does happen to me, I can take the risk, because there is medicine out there and can it be worse than the daily hell OCD puts you through worrying about these extremely remote possibilities???  I did years of therapy, and I take zoloft.  I still struggle.  I wish I didn't have it.

[DanielOrange]

Yes, I try and do the same thing. If I don't look at what the item is, I usually completely forget about the incident all together. You make very good points with the very minute risk and the whole medicine vs actual OCD. Was there an incident that initiated your OCD and anxiety?

[meemoll]

Back in 2001 I got a tick bite and had Lyme Disease.  I had all the classic symptoms, huge bullseye rash, high fever, very sick, my head felt like it had a 2 ton weight on it, etc.  Shortly thereafter I started getting unusually concerned about certain things and I couldn't shake the thoughts.  It all started with driving, thinking I had hit someone, and not being able to convince myself nothing had happened.  Then, we were trying to start a family and I became very concerned about toxoplasmosis because we had 3 cats.  Then we tried fertility treatments, and that involves lots of blood draws and injections, and of course insemination, which began a fear of HIV and pregnancy by someone other than my husband.  I like to blame it on the Lyme doing something to my brain.  I had always had somewhat of an issue with anxiety, but nothing like what the OCD was.  I finally sought cognitive behavioral therapy and reluctantly started medication.  I have seen big improvements since when I first had OCD.  It used to be incredibly debilitating.  It is now more low level and always there, with the occassional huge flare up. JGF25 knows my struggles!!!

[DanielOrange]

Hey, sorry for the late response. I have my first session tomorrow, kinda had a flare up tonight. How are you doing? Hope all is good!

[meemoll]

How did it go?