OCD HIV

[Ary1982]

Hi, and thanks in advance for taking the time to answer.  I have never talked about this with anyone.  I'm having severe anxiety issues about HIV.  It's affecting my work, my personal life, my marriage, my sanity.  In January 2008, shortly before I married my husband, I had a brief affair (sex twice, 1 time protected, 1 time unprotected).  My husband (then fiancee) and I had been having a lot of problems, and the guy I had sex with convinced me that my husband had been cheating on me (he hadn't).  So I had a lot to drink, and we had sex.  I cut off contact with him afterward.  A month later, my then fiancee and I had a breakthrough in our couples therapy, and decided to go ahead and get married.  Shortly afterward, I found out I was pregnant with our second son.  So in July 2008, I went in for a routine blood test, including an hiv test.  I didn't know I was getting an hiv test, and gave no thought to hiv, until I saw it on my test screening sheet that I took to the lab.  So, a week later, I went back into the doctor, extremely anxious.  He said that I had antibodies for cytomegalovirus on my test, and that I was slightly anemic, but everything else was fine.  He never specifically said that my hiv test results were negative.  And I read somewhere that CMV was common in people with HIV.  I have been in a panic off and on ever since.  My son is now almost 17 months old, and he's been sick with 3 colds and 1 ear infection in his life.  And he gets mild eczema.  But I'm in a panic now because he got RSV from his daycare (same as his older brother).  I am absolutely convinced that he has hiv from me.  He's big for his age, and his doctor says that he's impressed with his development, health, and size.  But it's not good enough for me.  I'm an absolute wreck.  All I can think of is that I made a really stupid mistake, and my babies and husband are going to suffer because of me.  I try to hide my anxieties and live normally, but it just consumes me.  I am so disgusted with myself all the time.  Please, any kind words, or even telling me that I'm being crazy will help.  I just don't know what to do.  What are the odds that my doctor saw that my hiv test was positive, but he was just incompetent and didn't tell me?  I wasn't as scared then as I am now.  I just keep obsessing over it.  What should I do?

I posted this on the HIV forum, and I was told to post here.  Does anyone relate?  Any coping suggestions would help a whole lot.

[tiredofthestress]

I am under the impression you have to sign a concent form to be tested for HIV even pregnant.  That being the case your Dr.  WOULD have told you - no doubt, no doubt, no doubt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  He would have put you on antivirals to lessen the chances you would pass it on to your baby.  From everything I have read what is most significant in babies with HIV is failure to grow and develop.  You certainly could ask your Dr. if he tested you and if you are that worried you could get tested yourself?  The chance of transmission of HIV in one or two sexual acts is very very slim,  In fact almst nonexistent.  Ihave been down the same path.  I had an affair 6 years ago and recently started having health issues.  I believed that I had HIV - no doubt in my mind and that I gave it to my husband.  I felt just as you did guilty, dirty and as though I did not deserve this life I have.  Even after three negative HIV tests I still sometimes believe I have it.  It is guilt - pure and simple.  I just started counseling and recommend it for you too.  You can confide in a counselor and she can help you work through it.  I also learned that unless the guy you were with was an IV drug user or had sex with men your chances of HIV are very slim.  I don't believe you have it but wouldn't a test help alleviate this anxiety (and that is what this is).  I know I was verry afraid of it myself.  You can go to STDexpress.com and order a test and have it done anonymously.  Then you can start to enjoy the wonderful life you have.  I am telling you without a doubt your dr. would have told you if you had HIV!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[justme35]

hi there,

if you saw on the sheet that you were being tested for hiv (standard now for pregnant women) then you can believe you were tested and your doctor most certainly would've told you if it was positive...if it concerns you, you can call your doctor and specifically ask what the results were..they should be on record, and maybe that could ease your mind

[Ary1982]

Thank you so much for your feedback.  It's out of the question to tell him that I cheated on him.  We have come so far to make this marriage work, and I've been close to telling him, but he's the type that blames everything on himself, and I know that it would cause him more grief than anything.  I'm not afraid for myself at all, actually.  I am just terribly afraid of hurting those that I love the most.  And it's torture feeling this selfish, and not knowing what the right road is.  And if I did have HIV, I would deserve it.  But my husband and babies DON'T deserve any of this.  I feel like a terrible person all the time.  Some days I'm okay, but other days I'm very edgy and I just obsess and obsess over this.  I just don't deserve the wonderful people that I have in my life.  Sometimes I feel that they would be better off without me, but I WANT to take care of and protect them.  My mother is a hypochondriac, or maybe narcassistic, and I remember her always asking me what I would do if she died.  That's one of my earliest memories, from when I was 3 or 4.  Anyway, she always thought she had aids or thought she was having a heart attack, and I was always so afraid for her.  And she always told me that if I did something wrong, that I would get punished by God in one way or another, and that something bad would happen to those that I love.  So I'm just a bundle of fears and anxieties.  I look at this as I write it, and realize how irrational it is.  But the fear is very real, and I have a hard time shaking it.  

[LivingwithOCD07]

Maybe it would help for you to tell your husband that you have HIV fears, that even though they are irrational, you still fear having the disease. I think the reason you are having these fears about it is because of the guilt you feel for cheating on your husband. Does he know you cheated on him? Maybe it would help for you to tell him, but if you think it would break up your marriage, then just toss out that secret, don't think about it again, and know that you did it out of spite and you were hurt at the time and that you would never do it again. In my opinion, what you should do is go and see a psychologist or therapist for OCD or anxiety issues. Also, I think you should realize that germs are inevitable, and you will get sick every now and then, but the least of your worries should be HIV as the virus is so fragile. But about you saying the Doctor is incompetent, it wouldn't make sense for him to tell you you had CMV but not HIV. Anyways, my husbands grandpa had CMV when he was younger, and he's perfectly fine now and doesn't have HIV. Anyways, good luck, you will be fine, and if you don't mind me making the suggestion, maybe get into a good Christian church to help you with your fears!