Please read even if it's a bit long, I need some advice or else I might end up hurting myself;
I'm Darren. I'm 18. So... I don't know how to start this. To say that I have disorganized thinking would be a ginormous understatement. It's like there's a constant white noise hanging above my head, obstructing any coherent and logical thought that passes through my mind. I have been diagnosed with Pure O Ocd last October 2012 and I braved the symptoms until now (with the help of Lexapro -miracle drug) I've since been off Lexapro cause my doc switched me to Olanzapine last January 20. It didn't have any effect whatsoever, be it positive or negative. I stopped it cold turkey 2 weeks ago. At first, I didn't feel any withdrawal symptoms. It amplified my SAD while I was on it (which I researched and found out that it was a paradoxical effect from the said medication) and I got through that with giving myself a pep talk and thinking logically however hard it may be. For the past 3 days, I'm riding through severe anxiety about one specific facet of my life: my wit and intelligence. It started when, out of sheer curiosity and a bit of insecurity, I googled 'Can antipsychotics make you stupid?'. The results were, needless to say, affirmative. I've read things from brain shrinkage to slowing down your cognitive process to all kinds of symptoms I worry about being developed on myself. Then another grave mistake of mine was digging up past convos of me and my buddies on 0366 and being reminded of how I was (not to brag) the sassy troll, the occasional deadpan snarker. Words, sarcasm and wit came naturally to me. Now it kills me that I have to think hard to squeeze out something out of my brain. I pondered about this and theorized something: "Maybe it's just my OCD tricking me into believing I'm turning into a simpleton and I'm just too apprehensive and scared to try and see if I'm really indeed turning dumb." This has caused too much distress and I don't know what to do. Being witty and rational are the only things I pride myself in and I don't want those to diminish gradually. Every single mistake I make about spelling, every second I miss when trying to come up with a great remark makes me beat myself up and tell myself I indeed turned dumb. My confidence is low as it is. English is not my first language but I learned to be proficient at it and now I fear I'm losing my grasp on that. I intend to be a writer, before the clutter in my mind and antipsychotic I was doing fine, and now I worry that might never come true because I have lost the creativity and imagination necessary. I also worry about not having my above average cognitive functioning in my arsenal and it kills me to know that. Right now I'm frustrated with myself since I feel so slow witted. Every time I see my old posts on forums and my comebacks there that are backed with clarity and reasoning and posts of other people who hold so much sharp wit, I get stressed out and makes me want to hit my head on something that would definitely give some sort of concussion. It was also probably a mistake to read up on symptoms pertaining to memory when getting off a drug. Now I'm on high alert and whenever I forget something it the short term, anxiety comes back to haunt me. I don't want my vocabulary to suffer as well, I have a vast knowledge of words and that's my only winning point. Now it's like I'm a hungry dog searching for the right comment in everything. I am now scared to socialize since at the back of my mind, I feel unengaging and boring. Do you think this is caused by me stopping my antipsychotic abruptly? Should I go back to lexapro which helped me? Is this still OCD or have I really damaged my brain beyond repair? So... that's how disorganized my mind is right now. I really need help cause I can't go on with this. I just can't.I'm getting terribly depressed by this knowing that I might not achieve my dreams because I turned stupid .
Hi there....Pure O...well that says it all. This is what we do when we have Pure O. We come up with some really irrational stuff and then what-if it and catastrophize it with our doom and gloom attitude. You didn't mention why your doctor took you off the Lexapro which you termed as your miracle drug. So in my opinion, yes you should go back on the Lexapro.
Remember this, when we are suffering from OCD, I mean really in the throws of it, we cannot think clearly. We become depressed because we are sick and tired of the battle. Now I ask you, who can be witty and smart when you feel like you are coming unglued? You are not dumb nor has your personality changed deep down inside...you just are not you right now because the OCD is not being treated.
You have already realized that internet searches of irrational thoughts are not a good thing because you will find what you are looking for and skip over the contradictory stuff.
You need to talk to your doctor and go back on what was working for you. You know for a face from past experience that this medication works for you and so you need to go back to what works. You also have to remember that you did get better and that your life is not always going to be this way because if you can get better once you can get better again.
First off Darren, let me say what a relief it was to discover your post, as your symptoms are very similar to the mental torture that is my Pure O. I have very similar, and equally irrational (though still powerfully fear-evoking) mental contortions that cause extreme duress and anguish. I also jump through the same hoops to seek reasurrance, both through performing mental gymnastics to test my intelligence to be sure it hasn't diminished, and too recall past examples of achievements that cause me to believe I may have lost a step. I trust that there is a reason that I have been given this ailment, and I believe that God will work it out for the good, even if that good is not clear to me at the present moment. I have undergone ERP treatment with a very skilled and sensitive therapist, but have since relapsed and I plan to return to treatment. I, along with my wife, will be attending treatmetn together and I am hopeful that we can find some permanant resolution. Thanks again for the post, it is interesting how knowing there someone else out there with very similar fears brings some sense of peace. Keep fighting the good fight and don't give up.
I am glad I am not the only one, along with other commentors, who have this thought. I had bad OCD when I was younger which I mainly expressed through physical rituals, i.e. turning the lights on and off in multiples of 4. Because I didn't want this to take over my life after getting so bad, I started coming up with ways to beat it mentally. I was always worried that I wouldn't be funny anymore and that I wouldn't be clever (because I enjoy making people laugh and love learning), so I would convince myself that if I DID give in to OCD rituals that I wouldn't be clever or funny. This pushed it away quite sucessfully but did make it worse in the long-term.
I had a big break down before sixth form studies and it was down to OCD, I had quite bad thoughts about things and felt so low that I didn't deserve to be funny or clever, so surely I deserve to have these qualities stripped. Because I had pushed the thought of having OCD so far to the back of my mind I forgot that it was OCD. It's as if my mind found another way to make me worry in a more rational way, I thought my brain would make itself forget things and never learn again because I didn't deserve it. I went to Uni after this and did really well, every grade I waited for was a worry that somehow karma would make it a low score, no matter how well I did in the exam. I was very trapped because I also told myself that if I discussed it that it would happen. Every test and exam for me was reassurance of my skills in maths. But now I have finished Uni in 2013 I have nothing to test myself with so eventually it gets worse and worse. I have never been for help for my OCD because after years I have learnt how to understand that it is just a fear. I understand where you are coming from because it makes you not trust your own brain and abilities.
Sometimes my brain asks me to chose between being funny and being clever and causes me alot of stress. I also feel that my thoughts are never relaxed, as if there is a constant struggle between my OCD thoughts and my rational thoughts. I've been up and down with feeling low so I guess it's a pattern, especially feeling low when I'm not learning. I don't really talk about this with anyone but after finding this I had to comment. I don't really know what help is offered but if someone could get back to me I would really appreciate it, or just a chat with someone who understands would be useful.
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