Aa
Aa
A
A
A
Close
Avatar universal

OCD and Fear of HIV

Hi All
I am so pleased that I have found this forum, as I feel quite alone and have no-one really to chat to about what I go through except my therapist, but often I think that she is just appeasing me.

My story is that I think that I have had ocd in some form or another for most of my life.  When I was a teenager I suffered from anorexia, which I have heard is a form or an expression of ocd.  And I have always basically been paranoid and very much always assuming the worst.

The latest obsession that I have is HIV.  I had protected sex with a friend of mine over a year ago and am completely convinced that I have now been infected with HIV.  The friend has reassured me time and time again that he is negative and plus we used protection.  But everynow and then my ocd flares up and nothing that anyone says can convince me otherwise.  The friend thinks that I am a complete lunatic and we hardly speak to each other anymore as a result of all this.

This isn't the first time I have thought I have had HIV, in the past I have worried about this and despite negative tests I still remained convinced that I have HIV.

Is there anyone out there who can relate to me?  I would love to hear from you.

Please if you are going to tell me to just have an hiv test, don't respond as even though I know is is the most rational thing to do, I can't.

Thanks
279 Responses
Sort by: Helpful Oldest Newest
Avatar universal
Hiv is my ocd.. I lost my kids my job etc I need help major.. I had sex with a man used a condom and I completely lost it got 6  tests all in 2 weeks I even double checked the lines to make sure they were mot lying despite the tests saying hiv antibody would show up I'm still convinced I am going to get it want to retest again and I cry every day someone please help me get my life back in between Latina pills therapy and valium I still cant live my life
Helpful - 0
1 Comments
I'm going thru this right now. I've had 5 negative tests and still can't move on. I obsess about it day in and day out. I surf the Web so much on the issue that I've read every thread regarding the accuracy of hiv tests and am still not convinced.
Avatar universal
any advice to wait for the test anyone? the ocd seems to drive me crazy.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
You are 100% like me. I had a protected sex with a csw about 4 days ago but slid out of the first condom and forgot to check that one if it broke or not. This drives me crazy and keeps me think of it all the time. The what if situation keeps appeared. The 2nd condom was not broken because I checked with the water. But the 1st, I just had a look at it. Gosh, I wish I had checked it carefully. Now I feel much guilty with my fiancé, we are about to get married this year and this is supposed to be the happiest time of my life. But things turn out not. Help me.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Hi all, I have posted a new topic, please reply there, I am sorry for posting it at 2 different places.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Hi All, I do not know how to post a new topic, but I found this related topic to mine, I hope you don't mind I share my current phobia or fear of getting HIV.
3 weeks ago I had my first and most regretful prostitution exposure with an unknown women. it was a protected sex with condom. right after that, I was so regretful and I was feeling so sorry to my wife and my 10 months old baby. I soon realize I had made the biggest mistake in my life. Then I started worrying about getting HIV, that women is quite weird, obviously she gave birth as can find her tummy wrinkle, and I am also curious as she has extremely wrinkle and sag breasts at her age about 23-25 I guess. then from that day onwards, I feel scare and I start searching in the Internet. I was ok when I was talking to someone or
working. What is the worst part is on the next day I had some rashes on my leg or tight with some tiny red dots, I was alone oversea in business trip, I quickly call to my skin doctor and he said that is nothing to do with HIV, it is sensitive skin. Then 2 days after that I feel cold and end up fever and night sweats, I was then freaking scare about the symptom I have, I feel tired and it tooks 3 days for me to start recover. I then decided to go home from oversea, I was helpless, then I went back my country to see my doctor, he assured me I am not HIV infected, he told me there is no need for a test, bcoz I describe the whole process, and I used condom during oral sex and penetration, but still I insist for a test as I need to make sure my wife and baby do not get transmitted, then 2 weeks after the exposure, I went for the Viral RNA test, which is the shortest window period (9-14days) I tested it on the 15th day, and it took 1 week to get the result, the result will be available in these few days, I am now getting more and more worried. and the worst worst thing is that I had a similar fever, tired, and night sweat AGAIN yesterday! this is killing me, this is convincing me that I had infected with HIV, I do not know what to do, I do not know how to face my family, my wife started to feel it and she does not know what happened and she found I am very weird recently. Just few more days I m going to get the result, I am now very fearful, i am dieing, I am so afraid that the test result shows positive, and I will be going alone, I have no one to talk to, I am afraid of losing my family and I am so concern about my family, bcoz it will be a heart breaking news, which they will never ever accept this. I am not prepared for this.
Yesterday, I went to see my doc, he refers me a psychiatrist, he says he is 100% sure I m not infected, he asks me to forget about testing it, it will be never ending, he says after the test, I will not be statistics, I will be keep testing and testing it for the rest of my life until I get a fight with my family. he asks me to start living and just be careful to use condom during sex, and the only test I needed is after 6 months, do the antibody test. please help me, actually if not all these symptom, i am still feeling ok, I can still work and react normally, but all these symptoms are killing me and convincing me.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
OCD and hiv fear

I am so blessed to have come into contact with this blog .
I got an hiv test 2 years ago and after my blood was drawn I got into a big panic attack that changed my life for ever .I started this scenario in my mind where I literally stopped living and was in full mode fear and panic . I was unable to sleep , I was afraid of the dark and I was getting paranoid . When I couldn't take the wait anymore I called the clinic and ask for my test results, and the receptionist said that I will receive a call if anything was abnormal. After a week have passed with was full of panic attacks and sleeplessness I rested in peace but became paranoid about sex . I developed a routine where I was using 4 to 5 condoms during sex and every time I would pull out or feel that the condom is too tight I would change it . It became such a ordeal that I wasn't able to enjoy it anymore because I would be so worried afterward . I basically took all the precautions necessary in order to avoid going through the nightmare of getting tested again and going through the panic attacks.OCD has been the dark cloud that followed me all over I go throughout my life .aside from hiv I am afraid of flying these are my 2 phobias. And my heart goes to all of you that are suffering as I am . Below you will find some steps that helped me cope with this debilitating disease :
1)   This feeling of not being in control is only momentary soon enough you will regain control
2) remember this is your mind playing tricks on you and the more you listen to it the more real it will feel
3) stop letting the thoughts dictate your life have some courage and continue with your life as a true warrior
4) HIV will be cured soon just like other diseases in the past that frightened people and now are just a curable disease so will be the faith of HIV in the name of Jesus
5) God loves you no matter what and will never abandon you regardless of what you did just like your parents love you no matter what but God even more beyond imagination
6) avoid being alone . Force yourself to go outside and talk to people or go for a run
7) this is a wake up call your life needs to change the routine lifestyle you use to have isn't living to your expectations change your lifestyle brake from the routine and start living in the present in reality stop dreaming
( it's weird because I use to live in the past and the future but never in the present this might require a little getting use to )
8) exercise I can't emphasize on that enough . This is the only step that you can never over do . Go outside, hike, run don't stay still
9) your body is the best doctor you could have you ll know when there is something wrong with it stop worrying and start enjoying life in the name of Jesus . If you can walk talk and breath go outside and enjoy the sunshine you are a perfect creature .
11) people don't go for routine HIV test like you might think I worked at a hospital for 5 years in the lab  and I can count on my fingers how many people come for HIV tests. many people fear this and just suppress the memory and go on with their lives just like the rest of us the difference is we obsess about it because of our OCD some people have the natural ability to fight the virus without any drugs so obsess about that thought instead and wake up from this nightmare .
12) the risk of catching HIV while having unprotected sex with someone infected is 1-100 so 1% if you keep having unprotected sex with people of hill repute than you increase your chances. Why don't you focus on that thought as well and enjoy your life but be mindful and always wear protection when having sex no Matter with who it is because just like people don't know everything about you the same logic applies to somebody else .
13) one thing I learned from my experience is the following : don't ever give to drug and alcohol always stay in control drink in moderation or have someone that can take care of you and don't ever drink and take drugs while having sex because you re opening yourself up for making bad decisions an that's not really you but a intoxicated version of you .
14)) the serenity prayer usually makes a world of difference when it comes to dealing with overwhelming thoughts "God grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change . Courage to Change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference in Jesus s name Amen
15) be conscious of your health the most important thing in life is your health and your happiness so surround yourself with people that makes you happy and makes you comfortable .
16) don't suffocate in your thoughts talk speak out loud what is in your mind because you will gain power over it .
17) if you need someone to talk to and still need comfort feel free to text me on Kik my screen name is prock2015 feel free to text me day or night
Helpful - 0
1699033 tn?1514113133
Sometimes it comes back when stress increases.  
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I used to think I had hiv all the time. Since I was in high school I can remember thinking I caught it from mozzie bites, PROTECTED sex, Stepping on needles when they weren't even visible... It has come and gone for nearly ten years! I am 25 now and was doing ok for about six months without any medication. About 3 weeks ago a friend of the family came round while dinner was cooking. He was left in the kitchen alone for not even a minute and after finishing my meal I thought to myself... omg, he has put blood in my food... from then on I have been a complete mess. physically I feel sick because the anxiety is so bad. I saw my dr to discuss it with me and no matter what she said I was not reassured. she gave me some meds and referred me to a phyc. Its hit me like a tone of bricks and now its all I can think about. I was walking down a foot path surrounded by shops just yesterday and I felt a prick or tingle (ocd says prick) and nothing was visible but all I can think is that I have stood on a syringe. I cant bear it. Im becoming exhausted and it is ruining my life. I so sorry that you all have to go through this too. Its really hard to enjoy life when your sor worried all the time.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Oh my gosh Optimus303,

I have been developing the exact same anxiety problems about HIV.  I'm obsessed with looking up possible routes of transmission.  Like today, I did laundry at the laundromat and I came back inside and washed my hands really well before washing my face which has acne.  I was then terrified that somehow hiv was on my hands when I washed my face and I contracted it.  I'm also terrified of public health clinics and once I got a test done, I was so afraid that the nurse had unclean gloves when she drew my blood.  Everyday I come up with some new irrational idea in my head that sticks with me for days to weeks.  Sometimes I decide to put all my worries aside and just live, but most times when I'm home alone all the negative worries come flooding back in my mind.  I do believe we have a disorder that requires help and determination to overcome.  It's a horrible way to live, but I think that talking to people who have similar irrational fears is helpful.  I'm a broke college student, so I can't afford real counseling.  

One thing that I find helpful is to ask yourself what the outcome of having the disease is.  Are you afraid of losing someone you love?  Are you afraid of not having children?  Are you afraid of being given a time limit of your life?  These are all things I am afraid of...especially losing the man I love.  I used to not really worry about it because my own life was my main concern, but when I fell in love the other person became more important to me than my own life.  The fear of HIV is actually not a fear of the disease at all, it's a multitude of fears that are built up in your mind and need an escape.  We all need people we can talk to about certain issues.  We cannot rely on one person to understand all of our ideas.  We need some kind of support group.  

Also, moving to a beautiful place where nature is greater than the city is a good idea.  Whenever we go camping, most of my worries fly away.  It's pretty hard to be a germaphobe when you're outside with nature.  Definitely don't get a job at a hospital or public health clinic.  It will make things crazy.  

Exercise also helps immensely because stress (cortisol levels in particular)  is the main cause of anxiety.  Exercise fights/gets rid of those built up hormones.  We let things build up in our minds and do not release them, so the negativity comes out in very weird ways.  

Best wishes to you and overcoming your anxiety.  It can be debilitating.  Seek ways to figure out the "real" causes of your worries and start from there.  Openly discuss the real worries with the people involved with the worries.  Like if you're afraid of losing someone, tell them how important they are to you and understand that you're probably just as important to them.  Have confidence in yourself enough to believe that others love you.  

You have to love yourself before you will ever believe that others love you.  


~Shoop
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I'm so glad I stumbled upon this thread as I feel I have something to add.
About 2 years ago I had counselling for OCD and general anxiety. I was being bombarded with repetitive thoughts and could not break the cycle. The counselling was a great help and although I'm not 100% "cured" I don't have my daily routine dominated by irrational thoughts.
About 2 months before I started counselling I discovered that a gay friend of mine has HIV. Within a few days I was scanning the internet regarding how easy or not it is to catch HIV. Although most commentators (those in the know) would say its not possible as long as you are not having unprotected sex with someone with HIV or somehow drawing their blood into your own, I was not able to accept this and I would almost look for comments which suggested otherwise. Basically this whole thing dominated my thoughts for months. The problem was not really the subject of HIV, but it was more my inability to stop worrying about things! This was just the latest thing to become paranoid about!
With the help of Sertraline (anti - anxiety drug) and changing the way I think about things (helped through counselling) I can honestly say I don't worry about things any where near the way I used to, and if I do I quickly resolve an issue running through my head.
NOW, HERES THE IMPORTANT BIT. I MUST HAVE HUNG OUT WITH MY GAY MATE ABOUT 20 TIMES WITHIN THE PAST YEAR. I'VE BEEN TO GAY BARS, USED THE TOILETS IN GAY BARS, ACCIDENTLY DRUNK MY HIV FRIENDS DRINK WHEN WE GOT THEM MIXED UP, SHAKEN HANDS, HAD A BIT OF SPIT HIT MY FACE (YUCK!) WHICH MAY EVEN HAVE ENTERED MY MOUTH, BORROWED HIS DEODRANT, HAD A FEW CURRIES WITH HIM AND HIS MATES (ABOUT 1/2 OF WHICH HAVE HIV), KISSED ON THE CHEEK............................. PRETTY MUCH DONE EVERYTHING NON SEXUAL WITH HIM (I'M NOT GAY, BY THE WAY) OVER THE PAST TWO YEARS.
LAST MONTH I HAD A CHECK UP AT THE CLINIC WHICH INCLUDED A HIV TEST.............................WAIT FOR IT...............................................................THE RESULTS..................................................................................................................H I V NEGATIVE!
SO, ALTHOUGH I UNDERSTAND IRRATIONAL THOUGHTS, PLEASE KNOW THAT IF GETTING HIV WAS RELATIVELY EASY THEN I SURELY WOULD BE HIV POSITIVE, AND I'M NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HOPE THIS HELPS
With
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
werwerwerw
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Truthfully, i was tested HIV + positive last 3years. I keep on managing the drugs i usually purchase from the health care agency to keep me healthy and strenghtful, i tried all i can too make this disease leave me alone, but unfortunately, it keep on eating up my life, this is what i caused myself, for allowing my fiance make sex to me insecurely without protection, although i never knew he is HIV positive. So last few 4days i came in contact with a lively article on the internet on how this Powerful Herb Healer get her well and healed. So as a patient i knew this will took my life 1 day, and i need to live with other friends and relatives too. So i copied out the Dr Zuma zuk the traditional healer’s email id: ***@**** and I mailed him immediately, in a little while he mail me back that i was welcome to his temple home were by all what i seek for are granted. I was please at that time. And i continue with him, he took some few details from me and told me that he shall get back to me as soon as he is through with my work. I was very happy as heard that from him. So Yesterday, as i was just coming from my friends house, Dr Zuma zuk called me to go for checkup in the hospital and see his marvelous work that it is now HIV negative, i was very glad to hear that from him, so i quickly rush down to the nearest hospital to found out, only to hear from my hospital doctor called Browning Lewis that i am now HIV NEGATIVE. I jump up at him with the test note, he ask me how does it happen and i recede to him all i went through with Dr Zuma zuk I am now glad, so i am a gentle type of person that need to share this testimonies to everyone who seek for healing, because once you get calm and quiet, so the disease get to finish your life off. So i will advice you contact him today for your healing at the above details: Email ID:***@**** CONTACT HIM NOW TO SAVE YOUR LIFE:***@****  AS HE IS SO POWERFUL AND HELPFUL TO ALL THAT HAVE THIS SICKNESS
Helpful - 0
1699033 tn?1514113133
4 years is a long time to be having this problem.  There is a fine line between HIV anxiety and OCD so I cannot say what you have.  Have you ever thought about seeing a psychologist for this problem?  Youcan learn ways to counter your thinking, to counter the doubt that you have.  Every test you do is you giving into the thought and when you do that, the thought doesn't go away.  At some point you have to let it go and say "whatever" and move on and you need to learn the techniques to do that.  There is also medication available and you may want to discuss that as well.  
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I  am  suffering from this problem since 4 yrs. And still I can't sleep sometimes. All my 12 blood test comes negative but I can't trust . I still can't be sure that I m not infected because  everytime sample to cut off value increases . From searching web I came to know that it is nothing negative result is my main concern.  I think I have ocd. Can anyone help about my concern. Glad to know that there are many like me. I think we csn solve this by discussing as we know us better thsn anyone
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I  am  suffering from this problem since 4 yrs. And still I can't sleep sometimes. All my 12 blood test comes negative but I can't trust . I still can't be sure that I m not infected because  everytime sample to cut off value increases . From searching web I came to know that it is nothing negative result is my main concern.  I think I have ocd. Can anyone help about my concern. Glad to know that there are many like me. I think we csn solve this by discussing as we know us better thsn anyone
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Do you others find that it feels like the subject follows you a lot and is everywhere(magazines,news etc.)?

This is a very stressing thing for me.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Do you others find that it feels like the subject follows you a lot and is everywhere(magazines,news etc.)?

This is a very stressing thing for me.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Hi there fellow people with fears and nursegirl

My way has been awfull. Had an exposure and then the hell was ready and I mean HELL. First the way to first tests: a bit of relief from 8 weeks negative tests(duo and antibody) but a lot of surffing as you know.

It's crazy, you know the surffing is bad but the desperate need to know more and the need to know if you are safe is great. Even if you try to keep it on the experts sites and official forums. But you just want to close every possibilities. This is tricky since even official sites vary with the info and guides. Then there's researches as well. Nobody wants to be the rare case of late seroconverter etc.

My hell always became worse with surffing and symptoms. The more you surf the less you know because of the amount of crossing info. And your mind selects what you believe not always your rational sense. Fear is very sneaky when there's any door open in the form of info.

Symptom always triggered my fear. Often something that i felt is very unusual for me. And that is the truth as well. Night sweating. Don't remember having ever. White toungue. weird. Muscle twitching that is still present. Even those sore throre and stuff happened. There has been so much of it and so unusual things. And the panicing thing here is that many of those came after those tests. Lates being 13-14 weeks after exposure. Then you think, damn so tests couldn't pick the infection. Just when you thought you are in the clear.

What I have done is seeing psychiatric nurse. I've even needed to go few times to psychiatric emergency. Sometimes it helps sometimes makes me feel worse. I've seen different kind of doctors/specialists and they have done many tests but nothing has occured and this doesn't really help. It makes you circle back for hiv possibility. Late seroconverting or something.

And then you surf about the subject. This circle should be cut. Then some people provide info and cases yes this could happen and some say you have tested conclusive your symptoms are something else. Well not according doctors. And eventually even experts seem to back up with the comments saying well could happen rarely but im not interested.

Im really interested in talking about a creative way of building your route away from the hell of fears. I've really holding myself from living and that's bad.

Im sorry about the messy and long discussion start.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
i have this fear and i hate it because even through ii know its irrational I am still terrified. However i cant stop getting checked cause im so sure i have caught hiv i go to get tested every three months.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
you all are not hiv infected.you all have common side effect of GAD.generalized anxiety syndrome.just stay focused.your anxiety shoots up in intervals but u go calm at the next minute.its pure brain chemical works.nothing to do with hiv.anxiety is a condition that can even generate physical illness or illusions.when u become so irritated or overwhelmed dont wait just go to an open area or a crowded place.just walk a lot.think YOUR BRAIN TRICKS YOU BUT NEVER SURRENDER.WHEN IT SAYS YES YOU ARE SAY BACK "NO THE HELL I AM NOT"
Helpful - 0
6456238 tn?1384750080
HIV is not transmitted by masturbation.

HIV is unable to reproduce outside its living host (unlike many bacteria or fungi, which may do so under suitable conditions), except under laboratory conditions; therefore, it does not spread or maintain infectiousness outside its host.

HIV is transmitted by;
Unprotected penetrative anal and/or vaginal sex
Sharing works with other IV drug users
Mother to child
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Hey All!

I guess I am also quite paranoid about getting HIV even though I always protect myself during sex. But there is one thing which keeps annoying me. About 3 weeks ago I went to a mud-sex party i didnt have anal or oral sex with anyone but there was some anal fingerplay(me: passive) in the mud pool. Now i am thinking is it possible to get infected through mud? I dont think that someone *** in there but even if they did i know that hiv virus can not survive out of the body more then a minute. Is that true?

What do you think?

BTW sorry for my broken English but im German you know..
Helpful - 0
6456238 tn?1384750080
Hi - there's also a HIV prevention forum on here http://www.medhelp.org/forums/HIV-Prevention/show/79

This is what I was told:
HIV is not transmitted by masturbation.

HIV is unable to reproduce outside its living host (unlike many bacteria or fungi, which may do so under suitable conditions), except under laboratory conditions; therefore, it does not spread or maintain infectiousness outside its host.

HIV is transmitted by;
Unprotected penetrative anal and/or vaginal sex
Sharing works with other IV drug users
Mother to child
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I didn't even think I had OCD! But that's not what I'm worried about. Wow everyone on here seems to be sharing the same kinds of scares as I am although I think my case is a bit different. I have once had unprotected sex with this girl and a few weeks later (abroad) I had protected sex with a prostitute, I don't know what in the world I was thinking...I know that for a fact that I used a codom but I'm not sure if somehow some of her vag fluids remained on the inside tip of the codom (like an amateur I almost put it on the wrong side but the without washing my hands I touched the inside while trying to reverse the condom). So now a few months later I'm scared senseless and to read that some of you guys have dealt with these kinds of things for 5+ years, that is wayy discouraging, but also somewhat encouraging.
I haven't been tested yet, and I don't want to even though I'm experiencing symptoms of HIV, tho I also read that there's a thing known as a "psychological fear of hiv" that could be causing these symptoms. So I'm not really looking for any answers here I just wanted to let out all of what's been bothering me for over 4 months now and it's good to see that I'm not the only person going through something like this.
Helpful - 0
This discussion was closed by the MedHelp Community Moderation team. If you have any questions please contact us.

You are reading content posted in the Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) Community

Top Personality Disorder Answerers
1699033 tn?1514113133
Somewhere in, MD
Learn About Top Answerers
Didn't find the answer you were looking for?
Ask a question
Popular Resources
A list of national and international resources and hotlines to help connect you to needed health and medical services.
Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
Herpes spreads by oral, vaginal and anal sex.
STIs are the most common cause of genital sores.
Condoms are the most effective way to prevent HIV and STDs.
PrEP is used by people with high risk to prevent HIV infection.