OCD and Fear of HIV

[Jozie77]

Hi All
I am so pleased that I have found this forum, as I feel quite alone and have no-one really to chat to about what I go through except my therapist, but often I think that she is just appeasing me.

My story is that I think that I have had ocd in some form or another for most of my life.  When I was a teenager I suffered from anorexia, which I have heard is a form or an expression of ocd.  And I have always basically been paranoid and very much always assuming the worst.

The latest obsession that I have is HIV.  I had protected sex with a friend of mine over a year ago and am completely convinced that I have now been infected with HIV.  The friend has reassured me time and time again that he is negative and plus we used protection.  But everynow and then my ocd flares up and nothing that anyone says can convince me otherwise.  The friend thinks that I am a complete lunatic and we hardly speak to each other anymore as a result of all this.

This isn't the first time I have thought I have had HIV, in the past I have worried about this and despite negative tests I still remained convinced that I have HIV.

Is there anyone out there who can relate to me?  I would love to hear from you.

Please if you are going to tell me to just have an hiv test, don't respond as even though I know is is the most rational thing to do, I can't.

Thanks

[RedSoxFan07]

I can totally related to what you are going through.  I am there right now.  I am struggling with a one time low risk activity and my OCD is driving me crazy.   I have been going through episodes like this for 15 + years.   I have really good times and really bad times.  HIV worrying has been the focus of it over the past three.   I feel your pain.  Believe me.  

[Jozie77]

It is so nice to know that I am not alone and not a lunatic as well.  I am sorry though that you have to go through it, it is terrible.

I just hate the fact that my mind can't stop imagining the worst case scenario's.  The last 4 or 5 years for me have always been about HIV.  Anytime something happens or there is change in my life my OCD flares up and I almost getting paralysed with fear.

[RedSoxFan07]

Have you tried and type of relaxation CD's?   I have been using this one that has really helped.  I dont have it with me or I would give you the name.   It goes through the process of relaxing and getting the unwanted thoughts out of your head.   The more you try to not think about something the more you do.  You need to learn how to relax when these episodes happen and realize it only negative thoughts.  I know its not that easy and I know they can control you.  I have not by any means perfected this process and more times than not I fall into the OCD, but it does help.  

Just like myself when anxiety or stress enter your life your OCD kicks up.  I have the same issues with HIV.  Except I get tested.  Last year I probably got 4 tests.  Well I hope I am some help to you.  Feel free to keep in contact.

[Jozie77]

Well you are a lot braver than me - at least you get tested.  I am too scared.  Even though the sex was protected and the guy promises and swears on his life that he is negative I am convinced that I am positive.

It is crazy I know all about hiv and what a fragile virus it is etc etc and I love to discuss it.  

I did get tested before this incident, but even then I still don't fully trust the results - is this how you feel?

[blink1147]

wow i love this site! o knew i would be able to relate to the people on here, but this is incredible. Probably my second cause of panic since I first developed OCD was that I had hiv and whenever i would feel the slightest discomfort i would freak out. Does anyone else worry about heart attacks, cancer, botulism, meningitis, or that there is some form of toxic substance in everything they come in contact with? Not just germs, I'm talking botulism, cocaine, acid, the powerful stuff. But thanx everyone, just knowing that it's normal to be so terrified of this makes me feel more safe.

[Jozie77]

I know what you mean, when I am not focusing on HIV I am convinced I have cervical cancer or something else equally as horrible.

I even sometimes think that I have had sex with someone when in reality I know that I haven't - crazy hey?

I also find it helpful to know others out there like me.

Do you have any hiv tests?

[stressball]

I totally understand and EMPATHIZE with all of you.  I have been struggling with this for about 5 years.  Had a risky (well in my insane analytical opinion) experience with a guy.  Got sick afterword...I mean...weird sick.  Vaginal ulcers, fever, etc.  They tested me for everything...herpes, syphillis, EVERYTHING.  EVERYTHING was negative.  Never got an answer for what it was, even after multiple doctors and tests.  Convinced myself it was HIV.  Have had (over the past 5 years) 5 negative HIV tests and still can't let it go.  What the HECK is wrong with me?????  Convinced myself I had a rare form that couldn't be identified by current testing (but, is only ever found in West Africans) ridiculous huh?  I have my wedding coming up in 6 months and am so scared I'm not going to be able to enjoy it.

Sad.

[ajf00529]

I hear you. I had a similar experience where I had protected sex with a girl and I worried about it for a year, despite three negative tests. I kept thinking that maybe the lab made a mistake or whatever. Now recently the OCD has been flairing up again. I can't even shake peoples hands or touch doorknobs without thinking about it. The other day I was doing a project for school that invovlved interviewing people. So I talk to this homeless looking guy and he hands me is newspaper so he could fill out a interview sheet for me. Ever since I have been terrified that there might have been blood on the paper and it might have gotten in a cut. At this point everyone thinks im nuts and even im starting to think that. I would love to talk to somebody about this so feel free

[Crosby12345]

Everyone who has posted in this forum thus far needs to RELAX.  I can totally empathize with all of you as I too suffer from this seemingly debilitating mental disorder but understand that you DON'T have HIV; you have OCD.

First of all, HIV is EXTREMELY difficult to contract.  Unless you're having daily encounters with prostitutes and using IV drugs, you're 99.999% fine.  If the situations that you have all described were likely paths of transmission, every college campus in America would be completely full of HIV+ students.  Be safe, but don't fret.

Secondly, I understand how these crazy, irrational thoughts defy logic and become very convincing.  I suffer from OCD, and my worry is also HIV despite the fact that I have never taken part in any sort of risky activity.  Touching doorknobs, lifting weights, and using public computers are just three of the various daily activities that have consumed my mind with the thought that I've contracted HIV.  Part of me understands that this notion is absolutely absurd, but the OCD can finds of justifying these irrational truths into my mind.

I have battled this paranoia for a nearly a year now, and I have seen noticeable improvements.  I have tried several meds (SSRI's) but found them to be detrimental by actually exaggerating my OCD thoughts.  I have discovered solace in making sure I'm well rested, seeking therapy and educating myself about HIV transmission routes.

PLEASE realize that you are not the only one suffering from these thoughts.  You need to force yourself to fulfill an enjoyable and typical lifestyle; do not change it because you have a false notion that you have HIV and that you may spread it to someone else.  YOU ARE FINE, just like the majority of your friends, family, etc..  It is when you discontinue these activities and dwell more, that OCD garners more momentum.  That is the fuel to its fire.

You can't go through life with a certain craze because everything we do involves some sort of risk.  I'm continually telling myself that the chances of getting killed in a car wreck are 1000000 more plausible than the chance of contracting HIV through doorknobs, weights, etc.

I know this may seem very frightening but take a deep breath and realize that you're not alone.  You have OCD and nobody is going to get sick from it.  I understand how awful these thoughts can be though and I am willing to answer questions that you may have.  I am simply a law student and thus obviously am far less knowledgeable than a therapist or counselor, but I have spent a lot of time studying and becoming acclimated with the symptoms of OCD (specifically in dealing with HIV).  Enjoy life, you may get hit by lightening tomorrow ;-)

[ajf00529]

Does anybody have any suggestions on how to get rid of anxiety provoking thoughts? I get these thoughts and I literally can't get rid of them until  get an hiv test done. I hate living in fear all the time

[Crosby12345]

You need to speak with a counselor and begin undergoing CBT, unfortunately it is unlikely that these thoughts will go away on their own.  An SSRI may be prescribed in the meantime to help you cope.  Good luck!

[feelinnuts]

Hi All, I am glad there are others like me here. I recently strayed outside my mariage and it has killed me ever since. I thought I had HIV from a very very low risk scenario and it drove me nuts for the last 2 months. I went in for an HIV test at 6 weeks and received a negative result but liek the poster above I felt like the nurse wanted to infect me for my horrible choice in life that I made. I started to analyze everything as she left the room before drawing my blood and all the needle were in the room, I keep asking myself why did she leave the room. Maybe she has a needle in the back with blood on it etc. I ddin not watch the needle as I am terrified and of course now it is lingering in my head every second of that 2 minutes (it seems liek an eternity) and analyzing everything with what ifs. My wife things I am over the top ( I have told her everything as I wanted to work on our marriage as we needed it).

DOes this seem like OCD? My doctor has put me on Cipralex and it has helped and I am booked to see a cousleor in 2 weeks. I am hoping these are just obsesive thoughts and when I tell anyone they think I am nuts.

[youngbuck]

Thank god, I am not alone. I had an occupational exposure with blood and open wound. It cuased me a lot of stress as my wife was pregnannt and we just had a little girl a few weeks ago. I was so scare of ever passing anything on to them that I became an anxiety and OCD paranoid person looking up absilutely everything. I felt like it was my fault this happened and was very guilty (to feelinnuts, guilt was proably a huge factor in your scenario above as well). I recently went to get tested at the 7 week mark and got in a little spat with the tester as she didnt want to do it ans said to wait three months. Finally she agreed and left the room as well. I started thinking over and over again why did she leave the room, maybe she had some blood in the back and she would show me. I know it is irrational to think this way but I cant stop it. I am also on an SSRI an have cousneling this week for the first time. Does this sound like OCD?

[Sambina_88]

Honey I feel ya, I really do. It doesn't matter how many tests you get done, something so small happens that always makes you think you got it. I've had OCD all my life, I mainly used to be obsessed with my face and taking hours to get ready, but now it's escalated to germs, rituals, intrusive thoughts, etc...But I've had intrusive thoughts all my life. Anyway, I really do know how you feel. It's horrible to wake up everyday and think that you have some horrible infectious illness. Like me, if I get a cut or something, I'm afraid that it'll get on someone and I'll infect them, or even if one of my family members gets cut and blood gets near me, I freak out. Even though I know they don't have anything, my OCD is telling me "Everyone and everything is infectious. Stay away!" I've already had an HIV test because I got cut at a manicurists, it was negative. I was good for about 30 something days, then when I went to a doctor's office and had to get my blood drawn, I noticed they didn't have them in packages like I'm used to at the lab. They were capped, and I even asked if they use clean needles, the nurses laughed at me and made sarcastic jokes (like "oh yeah, I stick everybody then I stick myself"). I noticed her throw away the needle though, but I'm still paranoid. So now I'm counting the months until I can have another test done.

Sorry to go on and on, but I know how painful and annoying it is to be in fear of EVERYTHING. I just hope that everyone suffering from this is able to overcome it and be happy again. It's good to be cautious, but when you have OCD, being cautious turns into a 24 hour job.

Good luck and I hope you get better. I'll be sure to pray for you and everyone else suffering from OCD.

[nodamidis]

I know exactly how all of you that suffer from this particular form of OCD feel, but I am here to tell you that you can get it under control.  Back in the early '90s, I woke up one day with a sore throat and instantly concluded that I had AIDS.  I had test after test after test.  All were negative, but I didn't believe the results. My doctor referred me to a psychologist.  It took me a couple of years (!) talking to the therapist before I could admit that I was convinced I had AIDS.  I knew my thoughts were irrational but was ashamed that I couldn't control them.  Once I admitted it though, she immediately knew that I had OCD and we began the long journey toward recovery.  Between cognitive-behavioral therapy and medication, the OCD began to subside.  Now, 17 years later, I still sometimes think I have AIDS, but the thoughts are fleeting and they don't stick in my head for more than a minute or so.  I still take medication (Lexapro and Remeron) and I still see a therapist, but all of that is more for maintenance than anything else.  No one would ever know that I had OCD.  Hang in there.  Get help.  And start working toward your recovery.  It can be done.

[dizam]

okay i dont mean to be a really big jerk... you guys need to CHILL the F*** out =| if you use condoms and they dont break youre 100% protected from hiv. a negative test result after 3 months is conclusive meaning you dont have HIV. im going thruogh the same thing. i dont have ocd though. im just really paranoid.

try meditation it REALLY helps!

[Jadeexx]

I can completely relate to what your saying, I am sometimes crippled by the fear that i have HIV or AIDS or Cancer or just about any other life threatening illness.  A lot of people think I'm a Hypochondriac, but its actually my OCD that causes this.  And the only thing worse than the thought of having these illnesses is going to get tested for them.  I get dizzy just thinking about the absolute panic and fear and worrying I would feel waiting for the results.  I know that you can't just rationalise the fear on your own - and even clear test results will be ineffective in the long-term without treatment for your anxieties.  OCD is an illness that won't disappear by sheer will alone.  Also explain to your friend that you don't mean to cause offense, and that your fears are very real to you that are caused by a condition you have, not as a result of anything to do with him or you not trusting him.
  The best thing to do is to go to your doctor and explain the distress your fears are causing you.  Ask to see a therapist or counsellor to help you deal with your worries.

[robkfromphilly]

I know exactly what you're all going through. I've had 'No Risk' after 'No Risk' situaiton, yet the thought never seems to leave my mind, and I experience paralyzing panic attacks, sometimes even playing games with my body, to the point where I feel psychotic. Best thing to do guys and gals, stay OFF the internet. You cannot self-diagnose. And many sites out there are full of misleading information, that tortures the mind. Right now, I'm going through a heavy OCD phase about HIV, after yes, a No Risk situation, which I put myself in unfortunately. Basically, one compulsion leading into a very harsh obsession of the mind. I've just started Zoloft, and soon I'll be getting CBT, so hopefully that helps. Keep your heads up, and OFF the internet sites.

[robkfromphilly]

Yeah, its possible you have OCD, but certainly not a bad thing. Very treatable. My advice, I too smoked a massive amount of pot, and in a way believe it has contributed to my anxiety and OCD issues in my current state.

[robkfromphilly]

I myself have/had a ZERO  risk exposure, and trouble coping about it. Seems like the internet is a scary place is misinterpretations, I trust in MEDHELP and Aidsmeds, and not the rest of the conservative web, I think a lot of people might benefit from that as well. But all in all, I'd like to help as best as I can with anyone struggling with this phobia.

[anxiouslauz]

It's so surprising to see that so many people have my problem!
I didn't have this fear at all until my grandad dies and the shock provoked my ocd (which i had badly when i was younger) to flare up again and i went crazy obsessing over hiv.  I got tested and it came back negative but it hasn't stopped me worrying.  I now get fear that someone may have stolen my toothbrush and bled on it and I get scared if I kiss somebody about there being blood present.  I can't let things go.  I just google everything and drive myself mad.  I've read that there has been 1 case of hiv transmission through kissing and now I'm completely convinced that I'm going to be the second!  It's really horrible!

[robkfromphilly]

Stay off google (theres so much false information out there) Places like medhelp and aidsmeds know the fact. By the way that Kissing transmission was disproved, therefore leaving NO DOCUMENTED CASES. But I know exactly where you're coming from, I had that very same 'no-risk' before, along with my new 'no-risk.' It's harsh.

[helpingyou]

I am so glad to find a site like this. I've been in truamatic episodes of what I think is OCD for I can't really take off the HIV thing out of my head, since March, I will go to sleep thinking about HIV and when I wake up, it is also the first thing on my mind. I had tests March3 and May12 which covered the October2007 (beat the 3 month window period) possible risk i had. both tests were negative. However, i still find some other excuses to prove that I am positive and would want to take another tests. my parents are getting mad at me for torturing myself. I am consideirng getting psych help but sometimes, I am able to control now my fears. the www.thebody.com site is very helpful in staying away with my OCD, read Dr. Robert Frascino. he is the best.

ANOTHER BEST technique that I am doing is this mindset, "at one point in time, we are all going to die anyway one way or another, so why excessively worry about illnesses while we are still alive?" I will admit that i still worry about HIV everyday but not as excessive as 3 months ago. still, this mindset adds more courage to me. if you need someone to talk to, just message me. we can get through this together :)

[midge40]

sounds to me that u guys are more scared of being scared about HIV, rather than actually having the disease itself, ie u fear the fear. OCD is far more debilitating that HIV. my friend has hiv, and he is living his life and is quite happy - great job, friends, partner, whereas u guys can hardly function. its tragically ironic. im not having a go, coz i been in the same position as u.

[HIVOCD]

I don't know if I have OCD or not. Let me tell you about my story and let the readers judge it (sorry...I am Asian and English is not my language.hehe)

Last year, I am a sex active gay, having sex with more than 100 guys WITH NO FEAR OF HIV AT ALL! I had oral sex without condom but anal sex with it. One day, I accidentally met my friend who is a medical student and he happened to talk about HIV and said that " Everything is never been 100% protected"....after that, my fear of HIV infection sparkled in my mind and I couldn't get it out from my head. Two weeks after that, I couldn't stand anymore...it was really really annoying and terrible, affecting my life and my work a lot and a lot.

Finally I decied to have my blood tested at the hospital by PCR method. The feelling before knowing the result almost made me die because my heat beat so fast and I felt fatigue and exhausted and couldn't stand. I don't know how to explain literally because I am not good at English...but I could say that it's the most horrifying and worst experience in my life (I still recall how I felt in that situation)...But my blood is NEGATIVE.....I was very glad.....it seemed like I was reborn with new life and all of HIV fears were totally eradicated. I turned to be what I used to be.....

However 2 weeks later, I started to have sex with a guy again...at that time, I think i had to play safe so I felt paranoid at all time. We didn't do anything much, just mutual masturbation with some precum involved. But after that I kept thinking that his precum may permeat into my urethra and caused infection. I tried to get rid off this irrational though as medical reports told that in this world there is no documented case of precum infection although it's possible in terms of theoritical risk. Anyway, the fear was still inside my mind and started to ruin my life bit by bit....So I decided to have my blood tested again and it turned out NEGATIVE....

This is not the end of the story because after that I had sex with a guy. We masturbated mutually and I wore condom on mine, telling him that my penis was hurt (but actually it was not).....when we got done, I came back home and thought that "oh maybe his precum touched my scrotum or the penis base and it could crawled up to the penis head and into urethra.....oh my god...I kept thinking about this again. This time was so bad as I couldn't sleep well, eat well and I had to take leave for 1 week because I couldn't concentrate on my job at all. I had test and it was NEGATIVE as usual.

There were still 2 cases which almost have "ZERO RISK" but I still thought that the risks were still present and I was unlucky to be 1 of 100,000,000 persons to get infected with this incident. I had 2 tests after that and the results were NAGATIVE.

I feel bored and bored....bored with myself and my mind that kept imagining to the worst-case scenario at all times. The recent case is that I had an inflamatory pimple on my arms and when I walked into the bathroom, there was one guy walking past and his wet hand touched my pimple exactly....oh my god! I think "what if that guy stroke his penis and his *** was in his hand that touched my nipple....and so on"..........Now I am serious again......please suggest me what I should do. Should I have a treatment by the the doctor? Now I am 29 years old....my life now is so bad and I don't want to live on!

Thank you very much for every comment afterwards!          

[HIVOCD]

To add more information, I used to be a person living my life with joy but last year til now, the outer look is still joyful but I have a lot of pressure, worrying, and anxieties that can't be overcome inside my mind. I dare not have sex with anyone despites the best protection that one partner can do....my worries were wiped away after the blood result turned out NEGATIVE but 1 week after, the OCD came back and I couldn't escape from it...huh....thank you for this thread that can make me more relaxed....and I am willing to share everything with all of you. Thank you

[Professor213]

Hi guys, if anyone is still looking at this thread here's my story and how I deal with these thoughts.

I have OCD with HIV fear aswell, I keep thinking that I've been pricked by an infected needle stick (misinterpreting a sharp sensation like a hair being pulled or a pimple being scratched), sometimes my brain makes up absurd stories of some evil person planting infected needles in places. Along with that I have your garden variety contamination OCD aswell, touching things etc etc, mainly to do with blood and HIV though.

Here are some facts, you can ONLY get HIV through sexual contact or through intimate blood to blood contact i.e. needles. The virus is very fragile and requires a perfect environment to stay viable (which is inside the body) as soon as it is outside the body (whether it be in blood or some other bodily fluid) it is immediately compromised as the changes in tempurature, moisture, pH level, and light levels damage the proteins that allow it to bond to cells to the point of no return. And this happens immediately, so even though the virus itself is still intact for a few minutes before it dries up its capacity to infect is nil because the proteins that allow it to infect are destroyed.

Ok, so knowing these facts helps a little but OCD is still stronger than this logic in most cases.

So here's what you do next, its a version of the worksheet that my Cognitive Behavioural Therapist gave me and its very helpful:

Causal Thought: Write in full detail what the worrying thought is, for example I now have HIV because ... etc etc

1) What evidence do you have to support this thought?
This answer will always be NO, because answering YES would mean that you have already gotten tested with a positive result, that's real evidence.

2) What evidence do you have against this thought?
This is where you can unleash a barrage of attacks against the thought with all the facts and logic you know.

3) What would you tell a friend if they were having this thought?
Allows you to detach yourself from the thought and give yourself therapy. You can use your non OCD logic and even restate some of the things you said in Q2.

4) What would a close family member or friend think and say to you if they knew you had this thought?
This allows you to imagine getting therapy from a close family member or friend.

5) What does this thought do to your life, how does it make you feel?
Makes you realise the extent to which this thought makes your life a misery.

6) What would your life be like if you could let go of this thought?
This question allows you to imagine a life without OCD, it lets you easily see the difference between the answer to this question as opposed to the answer to the previous question. Lets you clearly weigh up the options, keep this thought? or let go of OCD? The choice is a no brainer.

I really hope this reaches someone and helps them.

For minor worries I suggest you read this article:

http://www.anxietyculture.com/worry.htm

[AHawkins]

As a psychologist let me assure you that you are not alone in your phobia. Let me also assure you that you do not have hiv. Why?
1) You had protected sex NO RISK
2) He said he was - . most people tell the truth and those that have hiv usually do not want to pass it on
3) Millions of people suffer from hiv anxiety. How many turn out to be positive? Far les than 1%
4) Almost everyone who has hiv from sexual contact became infected through several high risk (unprotected encounters)

Put all this together


Any other questions feel free to message me

[amikins4]

I'm so happy that i found this forum. I've been having Obsessive Complusive thoughts about getting HIV for 4 years now and it has made my life a misery. It started with one incident 4 years ago, when i was drunk and could not remember what had happened even though my girlfriends were with me the entire time and looked after me, taking me home and putting me to bed. I worried that i had been raped and not remembered for 3 years until i got an HIV test and obviously it was negative. During those years i also had fears of HIV from other instances such as using someones toothbrush, getting blood drawn at a hospital, another drunken experience (which occurred at my own home with family) ect. So i was worrying about the initial incident as well as others at from time to time. One worry would over take another. I was convinced i had HIV and startes thinking about it all the time, as well as preforming 'rituals' or wasys of thinking to help me cope. I also had ridiculous ridiculous fears of pregnancy even though i hadn't even had sex and was on the pill!

So after my test a year ago, i thought my OCD would finally be gone and i would have a chance to live my life normally and happily... but i was wrong. I soon found another incident to worry and obsess about, and then another and another...each time thinking I have HIV. I went for a test in August and it was negative,, but this didn't help because before that i had a low-no risk activity and have been worried sick about it ever since. I had the test only 2 weeks after this low risk activity so it wouldn't have been conclusive. Now i am still worrying about it, even though i was adviced by a medical expert NOT to worry i still am, and on top of this I also worry about other instances. It has gotten so bad that sometimes i am convinced i have had sex with somone when i know that in reality i haven't. I even ask them and they think i am crazy. I don't know what to do anymore, I can't live like this anymore. It is really driving me crazy and interfering with my everyday life, it especially affects me when i am stressed or have an important assignment or job to do, or when i am out with friends or trying to sleep.

It seems like i don't want myself to be happy, my mind makes up all these situations and then plays them over and over again. I try not to think about it but i just can't stop. My newest fear is that i have HIV from fooling around with a guy, JUST making out, i know we didn't have sex but my mind wants me to think we did and have started worrying and obsessing again. I sometimes wonder why i have this problem and so many other people get to live their lives in happiness and enjoy waking up in the morning,, when for me it's just another day of obsessing and worrying ahead. I used to be depressed (think i am again) and went on cipralex a year 2 years ago, it helped with my OCD a little but not much, i went off it a few months ago as perscribed by my doctor, but now it seems like everything is falling apart again...i now realise that my OCD is the misery in my life and the cause of my depression and just wish that somone could help me. I'm going to take a test as soon as possible as it has now been three months since the low risk activity, but i will have to wait three months more to stop my newest obsession.

I feellike life is so worthless because it is destroyed with worry, i never live in the present moment, because my mind is in the past or future...worrying. Somebody please offer me advice. Thank you for this forum, i thought ily one in the world.

[potty008]

I'd love to share my OCD of hiv too. It strongly have been starting when I had a naked body massage with a sex worker.My condom slipped but I didn't  insert to her.Then I had protected sex.After that I kept fearing if my penis accidently went into vaginal or not.Finally the fear drove me to get hiv test.I remembered extream fear when waiting for the result.

Two years after that accient,I have been living with fear and OCD over many various incidents.For example,receiving handjob with condom,or blood in environmental surfaces.

Two years after that incident,I had around almost 20 hiv and antigen
tests.Every morning when I wake up,I cannot feel like I did before-it's like u have some sadness that can't be cured.

I'd like get over it but not easily.Hope everyone has this OCD find the way to solve it!  

[Sarah197731]

HI!

I am in the same situation-is been going on for years and I still fear about HIV transmission. I had 5-6 tests and all came negative (thank god) but something new happens and I am worry again. Is more or less contact with people- shaking hands, needles, people touching me (like in a crowded place), etc etc. I imagine every possible way...I am so scared at times- I am really scared of something happening without me being aware of. The other day I shocke someone hand and I had a cut in my hand, the guy didnt look very healthy and yet I shoke his hand..why did I do that? then I realised how stupid I am to think that I got HIV from a contact (non sexual). Now my mind is playing games with me. I am in a stable relationship - I dont have to worry about the things I used to worry in the past (contracting the disease via sexual contact). but now my mind is saying you can have it any other way.. I am totally losing my mind now.  I am so losing it.

This is a horrible condition,is causing me to have depression and anxiety. If I didnt have this I am sure my life will be different, I will def enjoy life more.

I am so sad, if only I could talk to someone who will understand me :-(

Sarah

[TomG1739]

Sarah,

I was happy to see a recent comment posted about OCD and HIV, and I'm happy to know I'm not the only crazy one out there, but I'm sorry you're going through this awful mental condition.  I just returned from the Gap where I was trying to buy a pair of jeans.  I picked a pair up and then put them down again, only to remember right away that I had a paper cut.  What if the jeans were folded by somebody with HIV and they had a cut where their blood got onto the jeans and then passed into me when I picked them up.  It's a ridiculous premise, but I can't shake it.  I went back over to the jeans to inspect them and they seemed okay.  I'd go back again to re-check them, but I couldn't be sure I would be picking up the same pair.  Probably best not to even consider going back because it just feeds the compulsive end of the OCD.  I, like you, also get the fears after casual contact such as handshakes.  I've had many tests over the years, though none lately and I'm happy for that because I pretty much know what the result will be before I even take the test.

I'm ultimately most afraid of getting HIV from contacts that are not typical sources of transmission, but not knowing it, and then in the meantime I end up infecting someone I care about.  If it was just me, then so be it, but the thought of giving it to somebody else has a paralyzing effect on me.  If you're in a stable relationship, can you take your boyfriend into your confidence and talk to him about it?  If you haven't talked to him about it, it might be worth the risk because he might just turn out to be absolutely understanding and supportive.  

All the best,
Tom

[JoeyFontane]

A non-sexual experience happened with me a couple of years ago. I shared a "cigarette" with a friend. His lips were bleeding and there was definitely blood on the tip. He passed it to me and I stupidly finished smoking it. Could my lips have been sore at the time? allowing the blood to come into contact with mine? Then there were other times i used to nasally inhale "flour" with friends using the same rolled-up bank notes. The notes doubtless contained their blood on it occasionally. However, I have never injected anything in my life.

I know the chances of meeting someone with HIV in the U.K. are 1 in a 1000 and I know HIV doesn't survive well in the open, but so long as there's a tiny, tiny chance my brain seems to exaggerate the danger. I have OCD. I don't fear having the virus as much as the guilt of passing it onto someone else.  

[Stressed5689]

Hello -

I realize that the most recent comments on this thread are several days old, but I finally managed to tear myself away from the HIV forum to come over here, and this was the first topic I pulled up. I find everyone's posts ridiculously familiar, especially those which relate to acquiring HIV via environmental surfaces (my situation involves menstrual blood on a bathroom stall door, which potentially got onto my hand, then onto a thermometer, then into my mouth when I stuck it in). I have been told DOZENS of times that there is "no risk, no risk, no risk" (from dr.'s, as well as veterans from the HIV Prevention forum), but I CANNOT and WILL NOT allow it to penetrate my brain for any substantial amount of time. I'll do okay for a few hours, even a few days; but within only a matter of time, I'm back online - researching, obsessing, freaking out - and back in front of the mirror, checking for symptoms and taking my temperature at least 15 times a day (I'm currently in the midst of what could be the ARS stage, so I am particularly frantic at the moment). I started therapy for all of this about a month ago (there was, shock of shocks, yet ANOTHER potential HIV-transmission-related incident back at the beginning of March as well) - what I learn there helps for a while, but then I'm right back to Crazy Town soon after. I am hoping that the good days will start to outnumber the bad, STAT!

[SarahAH]

I have never worried about HIV till I had unprotected sex with a guy i was dating. Before this i was always worried i would get pregnant so i asked him to pull out even though i have been on birth control for several years. I went to the Gyno a couple weeks later and found out that I had Gonorrhea. This came as a complete shock to me and i was completely devistated. He was only the second guy i had ever slept with and I have always been somewhat "prudish" when it came to sex. After i found this out i became depressed and got tested for all STDs (some more than once) and all my resaults were negative. I got treated for the Gonorrhea, but my obsession with HIV is holding me back from licing my life to the fullest. I have had two rapid HIV test and they both have come out negitive. I now have a boyfriend who i love, but I am so worried i will give him HIV even though i have been tested twice. Im thinking about going back again, but im trying to tell myself its all in my head. I think about it all the time and im on the internet all the time researching it thinking my past two test could be wrong. I have not told anyone about my Gonorrhea or my obsession becuase i am so ashamed. I think i need to see someone to talk about it, but i think if i just get tested one more time I will be over it.

[taintedBBW]

You just don't know how much I understand.  My situation is slightly different.  I met a guy online, and we were friends for 2 years. He finally came to see me this year and I made him get tested for HIV just in case "the heat of the moment" came up.  He told me the results were negative, but he forgot to bring them with him.  We had sex with a condom and my fears were put at ease when he mailed me the results, showing they were in fact negative.  I went to visit him for my birthday 3 weeks ago, and because I thought we were in a monogomous(although long distance) relationship we didn't use protection.  I didn't start to panic and get frantic until I got back and our relationship aburptly ended.  The day after we broke up, he texted me askin' me what the symptoms of the flu are.  I immediately went into a panic mode and have been ever since.  There were things I found out about him during our courtship(he's slept with a transsexual, he says he used a condom and he got tested after that).  I'm trying to find comfort in the negative test results, but after the betrayal and lies and deceit, I'm scared, especially since he's had flu like symptoms.  His son was sick with a virus, but this doesn't ease my mind.  So I totally understand how you all can feel worried.

[gretch2185]

It's so nice to know i'm not the only one that can't stop thinking about something I know isn't real, I don't want to live the rest of my life not being able to have a healthy sexual relationship because of this.

[bratesha]

i had unprotected sex about 8 months ago. i gave him a ******** 2 months before i had sex with him. I never swalloed it. i have a tooth that is growing out and every now and then it bleeds. That freak me out ! My last sexual encounter was 8 months ago and since then in may 09 ive got two rapid test orally that came out negative. I was scared that i still had it. So i tested again in june with rapid but this time with blood and that too came out negative. it's been 8 months and i have this fear that my body hasn't made anti-bodies yet? A friend name lizzie lou message me saying that a conclusive hiv result is 3 months after your sexual encounter, that someone else said 6 months so june made it 6 months and am still terrified. it's now july and am worried that maybe 8 months isn't long enough to test for hiv? My doctor told me that i was negative! negative! negative! All three times but i have this fear that anti-bodies can take up to 8 months or longer in aug. am schduled to test am so scared but i pray and pray that God makes my life better and to take any sickness away from my body! Do you think hiv  anti-bodies can take up to 8 months to show up in a person hiv test results. If anyone would answer my thoughts and fears pls do so, it would mean alot to me and would put my mind at ease because i keep having bad dreams that my boyfriend is going to kill me because i gave him hiv! Pls help pls help pls help pls help pls help pls help pls help pls help pls help pls help pls help pls help pls help pls help pls help pls help pls help pls help pls help pls help pls help pls help pls help pls help pls help pls helppls help pls help pls help pls help pls help pls help pls help pls help pls help pls help plshelp im worried so much that fdeel like vomiting right now at this moment!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[bratesha]

pls i wrote but no one is giving any advice but am so alone and afraid of what if's ? help?

[bambiornelas]

a conclusive test is in 3 months. if you're exposure was high, take another at 6 months. after that, it is EXTREMELY rare for the antibodies not show up. I PROMISE, you are good. i too, questioned the window period, and when my ocd gets bad, i still do.

I too, am totally 100% ocd about this. the latest...the guy i was dating for half a year, we had unprotected sex but after negative test results came. i broke up with him last week and now the ocd thoughts of having hiv is back full force. i try to be logical, say he got tested, i saw the results, but still. its a crippling fear that i have had ever since i was 21. i had mono, but the stupid nurse said it sounded like i had the symptoms of hiv even though there was no in the world i could have caught it.  that ruined me. ever since, total cripple fear of it. i have noticed that anytime something bad happens, i go back to that fear and let it overtake my mind. god welling, we will all get past this and have a happy, "normal", long life. this *****.

[mj09]

I honestly don't know what to do.  I haven't been diagnosed with OCD because I haven't been to a therapist.  My primary doctor just laughs at me when I tell her my symptoms.  I was laid off last year and have no health insurance.  I haven't had any since 2004.  I have been suffering on and off since I was a child.  My OCD started to become a real problem around 2000 and it is now debilitating.  I have an extreme fear of blood and other bodily fluids.  I am a germaphobe and cannot be without antibacterial gel and wipes.  I have a fear of contraction HIV and Hepatitis C.  In the past, I have worked in a mail order pharmacy dealing with prescriptions.  So many prescriptions have red and brown or red/brown stains on them.  A co-worker of mine had a major cut on his hand that was actively bleeding.  He did not tell me and he got blood all over the work stations.  I got it on my shirt and who knows where else.  He is an older gentleman and I tried to convince myself I was ok.  I also opened a package that contact a needle.  I don't believe I was pricked with it and had my supervisor deal with it.  I have not been tested because I am afraid that if I don't already have HIV or Hepatitis C, I will contract it when I go to get tested.  I will be starting a 3 month assignment working at another mail order pharmacy scanning prescriptions later this month.  I am scared to death.  I am afraid that I am infecting others.  I am not currently having sex and I do not take drugs.  I am afraid of contact with people.  I can't go grocery shopping.  If I see red on paper, such as when I worked data entry, I assume it is blood because someone else handed me the paperwork and they were an unkept person.  I can't use public restrooms.  I will sooner wear adult diapers than use a public restroom.  I won't eat or drink before or during work so I don't have to use the restroom.  I am at my wits end.  I am so anxiety ridden and stressed out with this work assignment coming up that I cannot quit obsessing and crying.  I have no self worth, self confidence, and hate myself at the moment.  I wash my hands all of the time.  I have only left the house 4 times since December 2008.  I really don't what to do.  My friends don't understand.  My one friend thinks I make it all up.  My family is tired of me.  There are days I wish that I could sleep for a week or more just so I don't have to deal.  I was on zoloft for 6 months.  It didn't help much and I stopped taking it because I would have to get blood work in order to continue taking the zoloft.  I can't sleep because my anxiety and intrusive  thoughts will not let my mind rest.  I really don't know what to do.  Sorry for rambling, but I truly am on the edge of cracking.  

[amiokayokay07]

Great discussion

[dieperdon87]

Hi........From most of the posts above I've noticed that many people who think they might have caught HIV were in 100% no risk situations and had no symptoms whatsoever....

That pretty much proves why I'm so worried and why my situation may unfortunately be more than just anxiety....

I slept with CSW's last june in China.....I used protection, although the condom partially slipped off (I do not recall having my urethra being exposed, nor not having a condom on)
A week after that (which was my first sexual experience, triggered by loneliness and sadness about being turned down by a girl I really, really liked), I started experiencing ARS like symptoms (had a sore throat, noticed a white tongue, felt kind of hot throughout those days, felt a lot of fatigue, felt muscle pain)......

Although most of the symptoms have eased off by now , I'm still tremendously worried...Additionally, I still have some muscle pain, which comes and goes once in a while.....

This whole issue has screwed my summer up.........I haven't been able to enjoy a single day ever since I first felt that soreness in my throat........I posted in medhelp's HIV forum and was repeatedly told that I had no risk and hence, whatever symptoms I might have expierenced were not HIV related......However, I still have some doubts whether the condom did stayed on throughout the intercourse..........

In any case, this whole mess has effectively screwed up my ability to enjoy sex in the future...............I'm a nerve-wreck right now and I'm planning to get tested in 3 weeks time.

Has anybody expierenced these kind of symptoms and yet turned out to be HIV -?

Reading these posts have actually fueled my fear that I may have indeed caught HIV....Nobody here had any symptoms!!!!

[sydneyguy]

I can totally understand what you are going through. I got a HIV test at least 6 months after risky procedure, and the test was negative. I am really happy and relaxed that time. Waiting for that week for the test result to come out was the hardest time in my life.

But not long ago I have contamination OCD, and I am really obsessional about hand washing and dirts (esp bodily waste). As a result, my hands have cracks and sometimes they bleed. Once I shook hand with some people that looks healthy and the intrusive thoughts came: I may get HIV if they are HIV+ and with blood on their hands. I know this would be absolutely unlikely but I still worry about it all the time. When someone touch my hands accidentally would drive my crazy. I plan to have a test later, although my therapist strongly disagree, but I know HIV anxiety would not be easy to fight off.

[Down_fall]

Well First off I dont feel so alone anymore :,) I have suffered with OCD my whole life. I have be obbessed with the thought i have had HIV for like 2 months now just out of the blue to..and now everytime i get sick or something hurts i say its because I have HIV. Its driving me crazy. But i feel so much better now knowing im not alone with this...:D

[learning2]

got STD and HIV OCD here :( 1 time protected encounter with CSW and got gonorrhea. my doctor told me could be because I did not took it off properly.

anyway, been going to STD and HIV websites.

today got tested at 8 weeks. result will be on friday along with HSV1 & 2.

foolish decision going out with CSW. not worth this emotional meltdown.

please wish me luck for 8 weeks which will give me good indication as some of the forum members said

and good luck to all of you waiting for testing

[TSS247]

Hi people,

I'm goin through the same thing. My OCD has become severe in the past 4 years or so. I've worried about HIV over the past 4 years and had numberous tests all coming back negative. I'm currently goin through an episode now and im hoping when i have my final test in 3 weeks time that i am negative. I wanted to know if some one could tell me if actually seeing a physciotrist really helps? Its been getin really bad in the past year and i think its about time i got some help. I'm in Toronto, Canada so if any one could recommend a place to go for help? Thanks

[sassafras22]

Hi everyone,
I am relieved that I came across this site. I thought I was alone in these crazy HIV fears. My boyfriend and I got into a fight one night and he broke up with me. The next night I drunkenly made out with a guy I didn't know. We didn't sleep together and his pants were on the entire time. He performed oral sex on me for like a minute but I stopped it because I did not feel comfortable.
Days later my boyfriend and I started working things out but I couldn't get over the guilt over my irresponsible behavior and I began fearing HIV contraction. I was more concerned over the kissing than receiving oral sex because the kissing went on for a really long time while the oral sex was brief and I worry about microscopic cuts, etc. even though I've read that saliva actually has protective qualities against the virus. I know there is only a theoretical risk of contracting HIV from kissing and that contracting it from receiving oral sex is very low, I couldn't stop worrying about it. I've since had a PCR test done which came back negative and an antibody test which also came back negative. I was also tested for all other STDs which came back negative as well.

I have since told my boyfriend (we are back together) about it and while he's disappointed that I made out with someone while we were broken up he thinks I am NUTS for continuing to worry about HIV. My tests were done before the three month period was up and I am debating about whether I should get re-tested in a few more weeks when I reach the three month mark or if I should just let all of this go and move on from it. Advice?

I had my annual physical the other day and all of my bloodwork was perfect. I have been told by my parents, my boyfriend and even the testing center that I should not worry about having contracted it.

I have suffered compulsive thoughts before but this fear of HIV has taken over my life for the past 7 weeks. I feel better that you guys are out there too. I can't help but wonder why my obsession has been with this particular episode. I am not proud of it but throughout my single years I partaked in riskier behavior than this and didn't worry nearly as much about it until this time. I don't know if it's guilt because I love my boyfriend and am afraid this will ruin our relationship or if I am fearing that I may have a "sixth sense" where I sort of "just know" or what! I am going crazy though and I am scaring myself and those that I love.

[Tiredguy]

This forum...wow...I could have written so many of these posts! For the past TEN years, since 1999, I have had a ridiculous fear of HIV. It has crippled me. Everywhere I go, everything I do, there it is. I've probably had on average one test per year for the last ten, all negative. Intellectually I know that the ways I worry about getting HIV (touching things, picking up trash along the road in my neighborhood (even wearing gloves) are ridiculous. I've read all the literature. I've seen the websites. I've gotten educated about it. But the fear is still there and it NEVER goes away. I was actually tested today, should get the results early next week. And, on the way home I'm pulling into my neighborhood,,,We have a small, little community and we sort of take turns picking up litter (our neighborhood is off a busy road.) So, though I had gloves on and it was raining I picked up a febreeze bottle and a bleach bottle and put them in a plastic baggy to throw away. Ever since then I have been thinking...what if that bottle had blood on it? What if it was in contact with other trash like a used feminine napkin or something like that? Even though I wore gloves and even though I washed my hands afterwards, still...I've sat here all day thinking about it...so, if there was blood on the bottle, then I touched my eyes or nose or mouth....or maybe my broken cuticles....UGH! I am so tired of this. I am a married man with a new baby and I am so worried that I am going to give them something. My wife says not to pick up any more trash, but that's part of my OCD too...if there is trash, I'm gonna pick it up! It is SO NICE to know that there are others out there like me. Please feel free to keep in contact.

Thanks...

[Jebba]

From reading this ..... I think I may be on the brink of OCD for HIV