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OCD and Fear of HIV
Hi All
I am so pleased that I have found this forum, as I feel quite alone and have no-one really to chat to about what I go through except my therapist, but often I think that she is just appeasing me.

My story is that I think that I have had ocd in some form or another for most of my life.  When I was a teenager I suffered from anorexia, which I have heard is a form or an expression of ocd.  And I have always basically been paranoid and very much always assuming the worst.

The latest obsession that I have is HIV.  I had protected sex with a friend of mine over a year ago and am completely convinced that I have now been infected with HIV.  The friend has reassured me time and time again that he is negative and plus we used protection.  But everynow and then my ocd flares up and nothing that anyone says can convince me otherwise.  The friend thinks that I am a complete lunatic and we hardly speak to each other anymore as a result of all this.

This isn't the first time I have thought I have had HIV, in the past I have worried about this and despite negative tests I still remained convinced that I have HIV.

Is there anyone out there who can relate to me?  I would love to hear from you.

Please if you are going to tell me to just have an hiv test, don't respond as even though I know is is the most rational thing to do, I can't.

Thanks
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I can totally related to what you are going through.  I am there right now.  I am struggling with a one time low risk activity and my OCD is driving me crazy.   I have been going through episodes like this for 15 + years.   I have really good times and really bad times.  HIV worrying has been the focus of it over the past three.   I feel your pain.  Believe me.  
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It is so nice to know that I am not alone and not a lunatic as well.  I am sorry though that you have to go through it, it is terrible.

I just hate the fact that my mind can't stop imagining the worst case scenario's.  The last 4 or 5 years for me have always been about HIV.  Anytime something happens or there is change in my life my OCD flares up and I almost getting paralysed with fear.
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Have you tried and type of relaxation CD's?   I have been using this one that has really helped.  I dont have it with me or I would give you the name.   It goes through the process of relaxing and getting the unwanted thoughts out of your head.   The more you try to not think about something the more you do.  You need to learn how to relax when these episodes happen and realize it only negative thoughts.  I know its not that easy and I know they can control you.  I have not by any means perfected this process and more times than not I fall into the OCD, but it does help.  

Just like myself when anxiety or stress enter your life your OCD kicks up.  I have the same issues with HIV.  Except I get tested.  Last year I probably got 4 tests.  Well I hope I am some help to you.  Feel free to keep in contact.
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Well you are a lot braver than me - at least you get tested.  I am too scared.  Even though the sex was protected and the guy promises and swears on his life that he is negative I am convinced that I am positive.

It is crazy I know all about hiv and what a fragile virus it is etc etc and I love to discuss it.  

I did get tested before this incident, but even then I still don't fully trust the results - is this how you feel?
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wow i love this site! o knew i would be able to relate to the people on here, but this is incredible. Probably my second cause of panic since I first developed OCD was that I had hiv and whenever i would feel the slightest discomfort i would freak out. Does anyone else worry about heart attacks, cancer, botulism, meningitis, or that there is some form of toxic substance in everything they come in contact with? Not just germs, I'm talking botulism, cocaine, acid, the powerful stuff. But thanx everyone, just knowing that it's normal to be so terrified of this makes me feel more safe.
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I know what you mean, when I am not focusing on HIV I am convinced I have cervical cancer or something else equally as horrible.

I even sometimes think that I have had sex with someone when in reality I know that I haven't - crazy hey?

I also find it helpful to know others out there like me.

Do you have any hiv tests?
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I totally understand and EMPATHIZE with all of you.  I have been struggling with this for about 5 years.  Had a risky (well in my insane analytical opinion) experience with a guy.  Got sick afterword...I mean...weird sick.  Vaginal ulcers, fever, etc.  They tested me for everything...herpes, syphillis, EVERYTHING.  EVERYTHING was negative.  Never got an answer for what it was, even after multiple doctors and tests.  Convinced myself it was HIV.  Have had (over the past 5 years) 5 negative HIV tests and still can't let it go.  What the HECK is wrong with me?????  Convinced myself I had a rare form that couldn't be identified by current testing (but, is only ever found in West Africans) ridiculous huh?  I have my wedding coming up in 6 months and am so scared I'm not going to be able to enjoy it.

Sad.
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I hear you. I had a similar experience where I had protected sex with a girl and I worried about it for a year, despite three negative tests. I kept thinking that maybe the lab made a mistake or whatever. Now recently the OCD has been flairing up again. I can't even shake peoples hands or touch doorknobs without thinking about it. The other day I was doing a project for school that invovlved interviewing people. So I talk to this homeless looking guy and he hands me is newspaper so he could fill out a interview sheet for me. Ever since I have been terrified that there might have been blood on the paper and it might have gotten in a cut. At this point everyone thinks im nuts and even im starting to think that. I would love to talk to somebody about this so feel free
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Everyone who has posted in this forum thus far needs to RELAX.  I can totally empathize with all of you as I too suffer from this seemingly debilitating mental disorder but understand that you DON'T have HIV; you have OCD.

First of all, HIV is EXTREMELY difficult to contract.  Unless you're having daily encounters with prostitutes and using IV drugs, you're 99.999% fine.  If the situations that you have all described were likely paths of transmission, every college campus in America would be completely full of HIV+ students.  Be safe, but don't fret.

Secondly, I understand how these crazy, irrational thoughts defy logic and become very convincing.  I suffer from OCD, and my worry is also HIV despite the fact that I have never taken part in any sort of risky activity.  Touching doorknobs, lifting weights, and using public computers are just three of the various daily activities that have consumed my mind with the thought that I've contracted HIV.  Part of me understands that this notion is absolutely absurd, but the OCD can finds of justifying these irrational truths into my mind.

I have battled this paranoia for a nearly a year now, and I have seen noticeable improvements.  I have tried several meds (SSRI's) but found them to be detrimental by actually exaggerating my OCD thoughts.  I have discovered solace in making sure I'm well rested, seeking therapy and educating myself about HIV transmission routes.

PLEASE realize that you are not the only one suffering from these thoughts.  You need to force yourself to fulfill an enjoyable and typical lifestyle; do not change it because you have a false notion that you have HIV and that you may spread it to someone else.  YOU ARE FINE, just like the majority of your friends, family, etc..  It is when you discontinue these activities and dwell more, that OCD garners more momentum.  That is the fuel to its fire.

You can't go through life with a certain craze because everything we do involves some sort of risk.  I'm continually telling myself that the chances of getting killed in a car wreck are 1000000 more plausible than the chance of contracting HIV through doorknobs, weights, etc.

I know this may seem very frightening but take a deep breath and realize that you're not alone.  You have OCD and nobody is going to get sick from it.  I understand how awful these thoughts can be though and I am willing to answer questions that you may have.  I am simply a law student and thus obviously am far less knowledgeable than a therapist or counselor, but I have spent a lot of time studying and becoming acclimated with the symptoms of OCD (specifically in dealing with HIV).  Enjoy life, you may get hit by lightening tomorrow ;-)
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Does anybody have any suggestions on how to get rid of anxiety provoking thoughts? I get these thoughts and I literally can't get rid of them until  get an hiv test done. I hate living in fear all the time
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You need to speak with a counselor and begin undergoing CBT, unfortunately it is unlikely that these thoughts will go away on their own.  An SSRI may be prescribed in the meantime to help you cope.  Good luck!
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Hi All, I am glad there are others like me here. I recently strayed outside my mariage and it has killed me ever since. I thought I had HIV from a very very low risk scenario and it drove me nuts for the last 2 months. I went in for an HIV test at 6 weeks and received a negative result but liek the poster above I felt like the nurse wanted to infect me for my horrible choice in life that I made. I started to analyze everything as she left the room before drawing my blood and all the needle were in the room, I keep asking myself why did she leave the room. Maybe she has a needle in the back with blood on it etc. I ddin not watch the needle as I am terrified and of course now it is lingering in my head every second of that 2 minutes (it seems liek an eternity) and analyzing everything with what ifs. My wife things I am over the top ( I have told her everything as I wanted to work on our marriage as we needed it).

DOes this seem like OCD? My doctor has put me on Cipralex and it has helped and I am booked to see a cousleor in 2 weeks. I am hoping these are just obsesive thoughts and when I tell anyone they think I am nuts.
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Thank god, I am not alone. I had an occupational exposure with blood and open wound. It cuased me a lot of stress as my wife was pregnannt and we just had a little girl a few weeks ago. I was so scare of ever passing anything on to them that I became an anxiety and OCD paranoid person looking up absilutely everything. I felt like it was my fault this happened and was very guilty (to feelinnuts, guilt was proably a huge factor in your scenario above as well). I recently went to get tested at the 7 week mark and got in a little spat with the tester as she didnt want to do it ans said to wait three months. Finally she agreed and left the room as well. I started thinking over and over again why did she leave the room, maybe she had some blood in the back and she would show me. I know it is irrational to think this way but I cant stop it. I am also on an SSRI an have cousneling this week for the first time. Does this sound like OCD?
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443136 tn?1210539925
Honey I feel ya, I really do. It doesn't matter how many tests you get done, something so small happens that always makes you think you got it. I've had OCD all my life, I mainly used to be obsessed with my face and taking hours to get ready, but now it's escalated to germs, rituals, intrusive thoughts, etc...But I've had intrusive thoughts all my life. Anyway, I really do know how you feel. It's horrible to wake up everyday and think that you have some horrible infectious illness. Like me, if I get a cut or something, I'm afraid that it'll get on someone and I'll infect them, or even if one of my family members gets cut and blood gets near me, I freak out. Even though I know they don't have anything, my OCD is telling me "Everyone and everything is infectious. Stay away!" I've already had an HIV test because I got cut at a manicurists, it was negative. I was good for about 30 something days, then when I went to a doctor's office and had to get my blood drawn, I noticed they didn't have them in packages like I'm used to at the lab. They were capped, and I even asked if they use clean needles, the nurses laughed at me and made sarcastic jokes (like "oh yeah, I stick everybody then I stick myself"). I noticed her throw away the needle though, but I'm still paranoid. So now I'm counting the months until I can have another test done.

Sorry to go on and on, but I know how painful and annoying it is to be in fear of EVERYTHING. I just hope that everyone suffering from this is able to overcome it and be happy again. It's good to be cautious, but when you have OCD, being cautious turns into a 24 hour job.

Good luck and I hope you get better. I'll be sure to pray for you and everyone else suffering from OCD.
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I know exactly how all of you that suffer from this particular form of OCD feel, but I am here to tell you that you can get it under control.  Back in the early '90s, I woke up one day with a sore throat and instantly concluded that I had AIDS.  I had test after test after test.  All were negative, but I didn't believe the results. My doctor referred me to a psychologist.  It took me a couple of years (!) talking to the therapist before I could admit that I was convinced I had AIDS.  I knew my thoughts were irrational but was ashamed that I couldn't control them.  Once I admitted it though, she immediately knew that I had OCD and we began the long journey toward recovery.  Between cognitive-behavioral therapy and medication, the OCD began to subside.  Now, 17 years later, I still sometimes think I have AIDS, but the thoughts are fleeting and they don't stick in my head for more than a minute or so.  I still take medication (Lexapro and Remeron) and I still see a therapist, but all of that is more for maintenance than anything else.  No one would ever know that I had OCD.  Hang in there.  Get help.  And start working toward your recovery.  It can be done.
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okay i dont mean to be a really big jerk... you guys need to CHILL the F*** out =| if you use condoms and they dont break youre 100% protected from hiv. a negative test result after 3 months is conclusive meaning you dont have HIV. im going thruogh the same thing. i dont have ocd though. im just really paranoid.

try meditation it REALLY helps!
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I can completely relate to what your saying, I am sometimes crippled by the fear that i have HIV or AIDS or Cancer or just about any other life threatening illness.  A lot of people think I'm a Hypochondriac, but its actually my OCD that causes this.  And the only thing worse than the thought of having these illnesses is going to get tested for them.  I get dizzy just thinking about the absolute panic and fear and worrying I would feel waiting for the results.  I know that you can't just rationalise the fear on your own - and even clear test results will be ineffective in the long-term without treatment for your anxieties.  OCD is an illness that won't disappear by sheer will alone.  Also explain to your friend that you don't mean to cause offense, and that your fears are very real to you that are caused by a condition you have, not as a result of anything to do with him or you not trusting him.
  The best thing to do is to go to your doctor and explain the distress your fears are causing you.  Ask to see a therapist or counsellor to help you deal with your worries.
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I know exactly what you're all going through. I've had 'No Risk' after 'No Risk' situaiton, yet the thought never seems to leave my mind, and I experience paralyzing panic attacks, sometimes even playing games with my body, to the point where I feel psychotic. Best thing to do guys and gals, stay OFF the internet. You cannot self-diagnose. And many sites out there are full of misleading information, that tortures the mind. Right now, I'm going through a heavy OCD phase about HIV, after yes, a No Risk situation, which I put myself in unfortunately. Basically, one compulsion leading into a very harsh obsession of the mind. I've just started Zoloft, and soon I'll be getting CBT, so hopefully that helps. Keep your heads up, and OFF the internet sites.
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Yeah, its possible you have OCD, but certainly not a bad thing. Very treatable. My advice, I too smoked a massive amount of pot, and in a way believe it has contributed to my anxiety and OCD issues in my current state.
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I myself have/had a ZERO  risk exposure, and trouble coping about it. Seems like the internet is a scary place is misinterpretations, I trust in MEDHELP and Aidsmeds, and not the rest of the conservative web, I think a lot of people might benefit from that as well. But all in all, I'd like to help as best as I can with anyone struggling with this phobia.
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It's so surprising to see that so many people have my problem!
I didn't have this fear at all until my grandad dies and the shock provoked my ocd (which i had badly when i was younger) to flare up again and i went crazy obsessing over hiv.  I got tested and it came back negative but it hasn't stopped me worrying.  I now get fear that someone may have stolen my toothbrush and bled on it and I get scared if I kiss somebody about there being blood present.  I can't let things go.  I just google everything and drive myself mad.  I've read that there has been 1 case of hiv transmission through kissing and now I'm completely convinced that I'm going to be the second!  It's really horrible!
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Stay off google (theres so much false information out there) Places like medhelp and aidsmeds know the fact. By the way that Kissing transmission was disproved, therefore leaving NO DOCUMENTED CASES. But I know exactly where you're coming from, I had that very same 'no-risk' before, along with my new 'no-risk.' It's harsh.
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I am so glad to find a site like this. I've been in truamatic episodes of what I think is OCD for I can't really take off the HIV thing out of my head, since March, I will go to sleep thinking about HIV and when I wake up, it is also the first thing on my mind. I had tests March3 and May12 which covered the October2007 (beat the 3 month window period) possible risk i had. both tests were negative. However, i still find some other excuses to prove that I am positive and would want to take another tests. my parents are getting mad at me for torturing myself. I am consideirng getting psych help but sometimes, I am able to control now my fears. the www.thebody.com site is very helpful in staying away with my OCD, read Dr. Robert Frascino. he is the best.

ANOTHER BEST technique that I am doing is this mindset, "at one point in time, we are all going to die anyway one way or another, so why excessively worry about illnesses while we are still alive?" I will admit that i still worry about HIV everyday but not as excessive as 3 months ago. still, this mindset adds more courage to me. if you need someone to talk to, just message me. we can get through this together :)
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sounds to me that u guys are more scared of being scared about HIV, rather than actually having the disease itself, ie u fear the fear. OCD is far more debilitating that HIV. my friend has hiv, and he is living his life and is quite happy - great job, friends, partner, whereas u guys can hardly function. its tragically ironic. im not having a go, coz i been in the same position as u.
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I don't know if I have OCD or not. Let me tell you about my story and let the readers judge it (sorry...I am Asian and English is not my language.hehe)

Last year, I am a sex active gay, having sex with more than 100 guys WITH NO FEAR OF HIV AT ALL! I had oral sex without condom but anal sex with it. One day, I accidentally met my friend who is a medical student and he happened to talk about HIV and said that " Everything is never been 100% protected"....after that, my fear of HIV infection sparkled in my mind and I couldn't get it out from my head. Two weeks after that, I couldn't stand anymore...it was really really annoying and terrible, affecting my life and my work a lot and a lot.

Finally I decied to have my blood tested at the hospital by PCR method. The feelling before knowing the result almost made me die because my heat beat so fast and I felt fatigue and exhausted and couldn't stand. I don't know how to explain literally because I am not good at English...but I could say that it's the most horrifying and worst experience in my life (I still recall how I felt in that situation)...But my blood is NEGATIVE.....I was very glad.....it seemed like I was reborn with new life and all of HIV fears were totally eradicated. I turned to be what I used to be.....

However 2 weeks later, I started to have sex with a guy again...at that time, I think i had to play safe so I felt paranoid at all time. We didn't do anything much, just mutual masturbation with some precum involved. But after that I kept thinking that his precum may permeat into my urethra and caused infection. I tried to get rid off this irrational though as medical reports told that in this world there is no documented case of precum infection although it's possible in terms of theoritical risk. Anyway, the fear was still inside my mind and started to ruin my life bit by bit....So I decided to have my blood tested again and it turned out NEGATIVE....

This is not the end of the story because after that I had sex with a guy. We masturbated mutually and I wore condom on mine, telling him that my penis was hurt (but actually it was not).....when we got done, I came back home and thought that "oh maybe his precum touched my scrotum or the penis base and it could crawled up to the penis head and into urethra.....oh my god...I kept thinking about this again. This time was so bad as I couldn't sleep well, eat well and I had to take leave for 1 week because I couldn't concentrate on my job at all. I had test and it was NEGATIVE as usual.

There were still 2 cases which almost have "ZERO RISK" but I still thought that the risks were still present and I was unlucky to be 1 of 100,000,000 persons to get infected with this incident. I had 2 tests after that and the results were NAGATIVE.

I feel bored and bored....bored with myself and my mind that kept imagining to the worst-case scenario at all times. The recent case is that I had an inflamatory pimple on my arms and when I walked into the bathroom, there was one guy walking past and his wet hand touched my pimple exactly....oh my god! I think "what if that guy stroke his penis and his *** was in his hand that touched my nipple....and so on"..........Now I am serious again......please suggest me what I should do. Should I have a treatment by the the doctor? Now I am 29 years old....my life now is so bad and I don't want to live on!

Thank you very much for every comment afterwards!          
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To add more information, I used to be a person living my life with joy but last year til now, the outer look is still joyful but I have a lot of pressure, worrying, and anxieties that can't be overcome inside my mind. I dare not have sex with anyone despites the best protection that one partner can do....my worries were wiped away after the blood result turned out NEGATIVE but 1 week after, the OCD came back and I couldn't escape from it...huh....thank you for this thread that can make me more relaxed....and I am willing to share everything with all of you. Thank you
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Hi guys, if anyone is still looking at this thread here's my story and how I deal with these thoughts.

I have OCD with HIV fear aswell, I keep thinking that I've been pricked by an infected needle stick (misinterpreting a sharp sensation like a hair being pulled or a pimple being scratched), sometimes my brain makes up absurd stories of some evil person planting infected needles in places. Along with that I have your garden variety contamination OCD aswell, touching things etc etc, mainly to do with blood and HIV though.

Here are some facts, you can ONLY get HIV through sexual contact or through intimate blood to blood contact i.e. needles. The virus is very fragile and requires a perfect environment to stay viable (which is inside the body) as soon as it is outside the body (whether it be in blood or some other bodily fluid) it is immediately compromised as the changes in tempurature, moisture, pH level, and light levels damage the proteins that allow it to bond to cells to the point of no return. And this happens immediately, so even though the virus itself is still intact for a few minutes before it dries up its capacity to infect is nil because the proteins that allow it to infect are destroyed.

Ok, so knowing these facts helps a little but OCD is still stronger than this logic in most cases.

So here's what you do next, its a version of the worksheet that my Cognitive Behavioural Therapist gave me and its very helpful:

Causal Thought: Write in full detail what the worrying thought is, for example I now have HIV because ... etc etc

1) What evidence do you have to support this thought?
This answer will always be NO, because answering YES would mean that you have already gotten tested with a positive result, that's real evidence.

2) What evidence do you have against this thought?
This is where you can unleash a barrage of attacks against the thought with all the facts and logic you know.

3) What would you tell a friend if they were having this thought?
Allows you to detach yourself from the thought and give yourself therapy. You can use your non OCD logic and even restate some of the things you said in Q2.

4) What would a close family member or friend think and say to you if they knew you had this thought?
This allows you to imagine getting therapy from a close family member or friend.

5) What does this thought do to your life, how does it make you feel?
Makes you realise the extent to which this thought makes your life a misery.

6) What would your life be like if you could let go of this thought?
This question allows you to imagine a life without OCD, it lets you easily see the difference between the answer to this question as opposed to the answer to the previous question. Lets you clearly weigh up the options, keep this thought? or let go of OCD? The choice is a no brainer.

I really hope this reaches someone and helps them.

For minor worries I suggest you read this article:

http://www.anxietyculture.com/worry.htm
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663428 tn?1225666014
As a psychologist let me assure you that you are not alone in your phobia. Let me also assure you that you do not have hiv. Why?
1) You had protected sex NO RISK
2) He said he was - . most people tell the truth and those that have hiv usually do not want to pass it on
3) Millions of people suffer from hiv anxiety. How many turn out to be positive? Far les than 1%
4) Almost everyone who has hiv from sexual contact became infected through several high risk (unprotected encounters)

Put all this together


Any other questions feel free to message me
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I'm so happy that i found this forum. I've been having Obsessive Complusive thoughts about getting HIV for 4 years now and it has made my life a misery. It started with one incident 4 years ago, when i was drunk and could not remember what had happened even though my girlfriends were with me the entire time and looked after me, taking me home and putting me to bed. I worried that i had been raped and not remembered for 3 years until i got an HIV test and obviously it was negative. During those years i also had fears of HIV from other instances such as using someones toothbrush, getting blood drawn at a hospital, another drunken experience (which occurred at my own home with family) ect. So i was worrying about the initial incident as well as others at from time to time. One worry would over take another. I was convinced i had HIV and startes thinking about it all the time, as well as preforming 'rituals' or wasys of thinking to help me cope. I also had ridiculous ridiculous fears of pregnancy even though i hadn't even had sex and was on the pill!

So after my test a year ago, i thought my OCD would finally be gone and i would have a chance to live my life normally and happily... but i was wrong. I soon found another incident to worry and obsess about, and then another and another...each time thinking I have HIV. I went for a test in August and it was negative,, but this didn't help because before that i had a low-no risk activity and have been worried sick about it ever since. I had the test only 2 weeks after this low risk activity so it wouldn't have been conclusive. Now i am still worrying about it, even though i was adviced by a medical expert NOT to worry i still am, and on top of this I also worry about other instances. It has gotten so bad that sometimes i am convinced i have had sex with somone when i know that in reality i haven't. I even ask them and they think i am crazy. I don't know what to do anymore, I can't live like this anymore. It is really driving me crazy and interfering with my everyday life, it especially affects me when i am stressed or have an important assignment or job to do, or when i am out with friends or trying to sleep.

It seems like i don't want myself to be happy, my mind makes up all these situations and then plays them over and over again. I try not to think about it but i just can't stop. My newest fear is that i have HIV from fooling around with a guy, JUST making out, i know we didn't have sex but my mind wants me to think we did and have started worrying and obsessing again. I sometimes wonder why i have this problem and so many other people get to live their lives in happiness and enjoy waking up in the morning,, when for me it's just another day of obsessing and worrying ahead. I used to be depressed (think i am again) and went on cipralex a year 2 years ago, it helped with my OCD a little but not much, i went off it a few months ago as perscribed by my doctor, but now it seems like everything is falling apart again...i now realise that my OCD is the misery in my life and the cause of my depression and just wish that somone could help me. I'm going to take a test as soon as possible as it has now been three months since the low risk activity, but i will have to wait three months more to stop my newest obsession.

I feellike life is so worthless because it is destroyed with worry, i never live in the present moment, because my mind is in the past or future...worrying. Somebody please offer me advice. Thank you for this forum, i thought ily one in the world.
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I'd love to share my OCD of hiv too. It strongly have been starting when I had a naked body massage with a sex worker.My condom slipped but I didn't  insert to her.Then I had protected sex.After that I kept fearing if my penis accidently went into vaginal or not.Finally the fear drove me to get hiv test.I remembered extream fear when waiting for the result.

Two years after that accient,I have been living with fear and OCD over many various incidents.For example,receiving handjob with condom,or blood in environmental surfaces.

Two years after that incident,I had around almost 20 hiv and antigen
tests.Every morning when I wake up,I cannot feel like I did before-it's like u have some sadness that can't be cured.

I'd like get over it but not easily.Hope everyone has this OCD find the way to solve it!  
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HI!

I am in the same situation-is been going on for years and I still fear about HIV transmission. I had 5-6 tests and all came negative (thank god) but something new happens and I am worry again. Is more or less contact with people- shaking hands, needles, people touching me (like in a crowded place), etc etc. I imagine every possible way...I am so scared at times- I am really scared of something happening without me being aware of. The other day I shocke someone hand and I had a cut in my hand, the guy didnt look very healthy and yet I shoke his hand..why did I do that? then I realised how stupid I am to think that I got HIV from a contact (non sexual). Now my mind is playing games with me. I am in a stable relationship - I dont have to worry about the things I used to worry in the past (contracting the disease via sexual contact). but now my mind is saying you can have it any other way.. I am totally losing my mind now.  I am so losing it.

This is a horrible condition,is causing me to have depression and anxiety. If I didnt have this I am sure my life will be different, I will def enjoy life more.

I am so sad, if only I could talk to someone who will understand me :-(

Sarah
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Sarah,

I was happy to see a recent comment posted about OCD and HIV, and I'm happy to know I'm not the only crazy one out there, but I'm sorry you're going through this awful mental condition.  I just returned from the Gap where I was trying to buy a pair of jeans.  I picked a pair up and then put them down again, only to remember right away that I had a paper cut.  What if the jeans were folded by somebody with HIV and they had a cut where their blood got onto the jeans and then passed into me when I picked them up.  It's a ridiculous premise, but I can't shake it.  I went back over to the jeans to inspect them and they seemed okay.  I'd go back again to re-check them, but I couldn't be sure I would be picking up the same pair.  Probably best not to even consider going back because it just feeds the compulsive end of the OCD.  I, like you, also get the fears after casual contact such as handshakes.  I've had many tests over the years, though none lately and I'm happy for that because I pretty much know what the result will be before I even take the test.

I'm ultimately most afraid of getting HIV from contacts that are not typical sources of transmission, but not knowing it, and then in the meantime I end up infecting someone I care about.  If it was just me, then so be it, but the thought of giving it to somebody else has a paralyzing effect on me.  If you're in a stable relationship, can you take your boyfriend into your confidence and talk to him about it?  If you haven't talked to him about it, it might be worth the risk because he might just turn out to be absolutely understanding and supportive.  

All the best,
Tom



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A non-sexual experience happened with me a couple of years ago. I shared a "cigarette" with a friend. His lips were bleeding and there was definitely blood on the tip. He passed it to me and I stupidly finished smoking it. Could my lips have been sore at the time? allowing the blood to come into contact with mine? Then there were other times i used to nasally inhale "flour" with friends using the same rolled-up bank notes. The notes doubtless contained their blood on it occasionally. However, I have never injected anything in my life.

I know the chances of meeting someone with HIV in the U.K. are 1 in a 1000 and I know HIV doesn't survive well in the open, but so long as there's a tiny, tiny chance my brain seems to exaggerate the danger. I have OCD. I don't fear having the virus as much as the guilt of passing it onto someone else.  
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Hello -

I realize that the most recent comments on this thread are several days old, but I finally managed to tear myself away from the HIV forum to come over here, and this was the first topic I pulled up. I find everyone's posts ridiculously familiar, especially those which relate to acquiring HIV via environmental surfaces (my situation involves menstrual blood on a bathroom stall door, which potentially got onto my hand, then onto a thermometer, then into my mouth when I stuck it in). I have been told DOZENS of times that there is "no risk, no risk, no risk" (from dr.'s, as well as veterans from the HIV Prevention forum), but I CANNOT and WILL NOT allow it to penetrate my brain for any substantial amount of time. I'll do okay for a few hours, even a few days; but within only a matter of time, I'm back online - researching, obsessing, freaking out - and back in front of the mirror, checking for symptoms and taking my temperature at least 15 times a day (I'm currently in the midst of what could be the ARS stage, so I am particularly frantic at the moment). I started therapy for all of this about a month ago (there was, shock of shocks, yet ANOTHER potential HIV-transmission-related incident back at the beginning of March as well) - what I learn there helps for a while, but then I'm right back to Crazy Town soon after. I am hoping that the good days will start to outnumber the bad, STAT!
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I have never worried about HIV till I had unprotected sex with a guy i was dating. Before this i was always worried i would get pregnant so i asked him to pull out even though i have been on birth control for several years. I went to the Gyno a couple weeks later and found out that I had Gonorrhea. This came as a complete shock to me and i was completely devistated. He was only the second guy i had ever slept with and I have always been somewhat "prudish" when it came to sex. After i found this out i became depressed and got tested for all STDs (some more than once) and all my resaults were negative. I got treated for the Gonorrhea, but my obsession with HIV is holding me back from licing my life to the fullest. I have had two rapid HIV test and they both have come out negitive. I now have a boyfriend who i love, but I am so worried i will give him HIV even though i have been tested twice. Im thinking about going back again, but im trying to tell myself its all in my head. I think about it all the time and im on the internet all the time researching it thinking my past two test could be wrong. I have not told anyone about my Gonorrhea or my obsession becuase i am so ashamed. I think i need to see someone to talk about it, but i think if i just get tested one more time I will be over it.

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923497 tn?1243898324
You just don't know how much I understand.  My situation is slightly different.  I met a guy online, and we were friends for 2 years. He finally came to see me this year and I made him get tested for HIV just in case "the heat of the moment" came up.  He told me the results were negative, but he forgot to bring them with him.  We had sex with a condom and my fears were put at ease when he mailed me the results, showing they were in fact negative.  I went to visit him for my birthday 3 weeks ago, and because I thought we were in a monogomous(although long distance) relationship we didn't use protection.  I didn't start to panic and get frantic until I got back and our relationship aburptly ended.  The day after we broke up, he texted me askin' me what the symptoms of the flu are.  I immediately went into a panic mode and have been ever since.  There were things I found out about him during our courtship(he's slept with a transsexual, he says he used a condom and he got tested after that).  I'm trying to find comfort in the negative test results, but after the betrayal and lies and deceit, I'm scared, especially since he's had flu like symptoms.  His son was sick with a virus, but this doesn't ease my mind.  So I totally understand how you all can feel worried.
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It's so nice to know i'm not the only one that can't stop thinking about something I know isn't real, I don't want to live the rest of my life not being able to have a healthy sexual relationship because of this.
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i had unprotected sex about 8 months ago. i gave him a ******** 2 months before i had sex with him. I never swalloed it. i have a tooth that is growing out and every now and then it bleeds. That freak me out ! My last sexual encounter was 8 months ago and since then in may 09 ive got two rapid test orally that came out negative. I was scared that i still had it. So i tested again in june with rapid but this time with blood and that too came out negative. it's been 8 months and i have this fear that my body hasn't made anti-bodies yet? A friend name lizzie lou message me saying that a conclusive hiv result is 3 months after your sexual encounter, that someone else said 6 months so june made it 6 months and am still terrified. it's now july and am worried that maybe 8 months isn't long enough to test for hiv? My doctor told me that i was negative! negative! negative! All three times but i have this fear that anti-bodies can take up to 8 months or longer in aug. am schduled to test am so scared but i pray and pray that God makes my life better and to take any sickness away from my body! Do you think hiv  anti-bodies can take up to 8 months to show up in a person hiv test results. If anyone would answer my thoughts and fears pls do so, it would mean alot to me and would put my mind at ease because i keep having bad dreams that my boyfriend is going to kill me because i gave him hiv! Pls help pls help pls help pls help pls help pls help pls help pls help pls help pls help pls help pls help pls help pls help pls help pls help pls help pls help pls help pls help pls help pls help pls help pls help pls help pls helppls help pls help pls help pls help pls help pls help pls help pls help pls help pls help plshelp im worried so much that fdeel like vomiting right now at this moment!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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pls i wrote but no one is giving any advice but am so alone and afraid of what if's ? help?
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a conclusive test is in 3 months. if you're exposure was high, take another at 6 months. after that, it is EXTREMELY rare for the antibodies not show up. I PROMISE, you are good. i too, questioned the window period, and when my ocd gets bad, i still do.

I too, am totally 100% ocd about this. the latest...the guy i was dating for half a year, we had unprotected sex but after negative test results came. i broke up with him last week and now the ocd thoughts of having hiv is back full force. i try to be logical, say he got tested, i saw the results, but still. its a crippling fear that i have had ever since i was 21. i had mono, but the stupid nurse said it sounded like i had the symptoms of hiv even though there was no in the world i could have caught it.  that ruined me. ever since, total cripple fear of it. i have noticed that anytime something bad happens, i go back to that fear and let it overtake my mind. god welling, we will all get past this and have a happy, "normal", long life. this *****.
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993160 tn?1292102264
I honestly don't know what to do.  I haven't been diagnosed with OCD because I haven't been to a therapist.  My primary doctor just laughs at me when I tell her my symptoms.  I was laid off last year and have no health insurance.  I haven't had any since 2004.  I have been suffering on and off since I was a child.  My OCD started to become a real problem around 2000 and it is now debilitating.  I have an extreme fear of blood and other bodily fluids.  I am a germaphobe and cannot be without antibacterial gel and wipes.  I have a fear of contraction HIV and Hepatitis C.  In the past, I have worked in a mail order pharmacy dealing with prescriptions.  So many prescriptions have red and brown or red/brown stains on them.  A co-worker of mine had a major cut on his hand that was actively bleeding.  He did not tell me and he got blood all over the work stations.  I got it on my shirt and who knows where else.  He is an older gentleman and I tried to convince myself I was ok.  I also opened a package that contact a needle.  I don't believe I was pricked with it and had my supervisor deal with it.  I have not been tested because I am afraid that if I don't already have HIV or Hepatitis C, I will contract it when I go to get tested.  I will be starting a 3 month assignment working at another mail order pharmacy scanning prescriptions later this month.  I am scared to death.  I am afraid that I am infecting others.  I am not currently having sex and I do not take drugs.  I am afraid of contact with people.  I can't go grocery shopping.  If I see red on paper, such as when I worked data entry, I assume it is blood because someone else handed me the paperwork and they were an unkept person.  I can't use public restrooms.  I will sooner wear adult diapers than use a public restroom.  I won't eat or drink before or during work so I don't have to use the restroom.  I am at my wits end.  I am so anxiety ridden and stressed out with this work assignment coming up that I cannot quit obsessing and crying.  I have no self worth, self confidence, and hate myself at the moment.  I wash my hands all of the time.  I have only left the house 4 times since December 2008.  I really don't what to do.  My friends don't understand.  My one friend thinks I make it all up.  My family is tired of me.  There are days I wish that I could sleep for a week or more just so I don't have to deal.  I was on zoloft for 6 months.  It didn't help much and I stopped taking it because I would have to get blood work in order to continue taking the zoloft.  I can't sleep because my anxiety and intrusive  thoughts will not let my mind rest.  I really don't know what to do.  Sorry for rambling, but I truly am on the edge of cracking.  
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Great discussion
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Hi........From most of the posts above I've noticed that many people who think they might have caught HIV were in 100% no risk situations and had no symptoms whatsoever....

That pretty much proves why I'm so worried and why my situation may unfortunately be more than just anxiety....

I slept with CSW's last june in China.....I used protection, although the condom partially slipped off (I do not recall having my urethra being exposed, nor not having a condom on)
A week after that (which was my first sexual experience, triggered by loneliness and sadness about being turned down by a girl I really, really liked), I started experiencing ARS like symptoms (had a sore throat, noticed a white tongue, felt kind of hot throughout those days, felt a lot of fatigue, felt muscle pain)......

Although most of the symptoms have eased off by now , I'm still tremendously worried...Additionally, I still have some muscle pain, which comes and goes once in a while.....

This whole issue has screwed my summer up.........I haven't been able to enjoy a single day ever since I first felt that soreness in my throat........I posted in medhelp's HIV forum and was repeatedly told that I had no risk and hence, whatever symptoms I might have expierenced were not HIV related......However, I still have some doubts whether the condom did stayed on throughout the intercourse..........

In any case, this whole mess has effectively screwed up my ability to enjoy sex in the future...............I'm a nerve-wreck right now and I'm planning to get tested in 3 weeks time.

Has anybody expierenced these kind of symptoms and yet turned out to be HIV -?

Reading these posts have actually fueled my fear that I may have indeed caught HIV....Nobody here had any symptoms!!!!
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I can totally understand what you are going through. I got a HIV test at least 6 months after risky procedure, and the test was negative. I am really happy and relaxed that time. Waiting for that week for the test result to come out was the hardest time in my life.

But not long ago I have contamination OCD, and I am really obsessional about hand washing and dirts (esp bodily waste). As a result, my hands have cracks and sometimes they bleed. Once I shook hand with some people that looks healthy and the intrusive thoughts came: I may get HIV if they are HIV+ and with blood on their hands. I know this would be absolutely unlikely but I still worry about it all the time. When someone touch my hands accidentally would drive my crazy. I plan to have a test later, although my therapist strongly disagree, but I know HIV anxiety would not be easy to fight off.
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1030618 tn?1260936978
Well First off I dont feel so alone anymore :,) I have suffered with OCD my whole life. I have be obbessed with the thought i have had HIV for like 2 months now just out of the blue to..and now everytime i get sick or something hurts i say its because I have HIV. Its driving me crazy. But i feel so much better now knowing im not alone with this...:D
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got STD and HIV OCD here :( 1 time protected encounter with CSW and got gonorrhea. my doctor told me could be because I did not took it off properly.

anyway, been going to STD and HIV websites.

today got tested at 8 weeks. result will be on friday along with HSV1 & 2.

foolish decision going out with CSW. not worth this emotional meltdown.

please wish me luck for 8 weeks which will give me good indication as some of the forum members said

and good luck to all of you waiting for testing
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Hi people,

I'm goin through the same thing. My OCD has become severe in the past 4 years or so. I've worried about HIV over the past 4 years and had numberous tests all coming back negative. I'm currently goin through an episode now and im hoping when i have my final test in 3 weeks time that i am negative. I wanted to know if some one could tell me if actually seeing a physciotrist really helps? Its been getin really bad in the past year and i think its about time i got some help. I'm in Toronto, Canada so if any one could recommend a place to go for help? Thanks
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Hi everyone,
I am relieved that I came across this site. I thought I was alone in these crazy HIV fears. My boyfriend and I got into a fight one night and he broke up with me. The next night I drunkenly made out with a guy I didn't know. We didn't sleep together and his pants were on the entire time. He performed oral sex on me for like a minute but I stopped it because I did not feel comfortable.
Days later my boyfriend and I started working things out but I couldn't get over the guilt over my irresponsible behavior and I began fearing HIV contraction. I was more concerned over the kissing than receiving oral sex because the kissing went on for a really long time while the oral sex was brief and I worry about microscopic cuts, etc. even though I've read that saliva actually has protective qualities against the virus. I know there is only a theoretical risk of contracting HIV from kissing and that contracting it from receiving oral sex is very low, I couldn't stop worrying about it. I've since had a PCR test done which came back negative and an antibody test which also came back negative. I was also tested for all other STDs which came back negative as well.

I have since told my boyfriend (we are back together) about it and while he's disappointed that I made out with someone while we were broken up he thinks I am NUTS for continuing to worry about HIV. My tests were done before the three month period was up and I am debating about whether I should get re-tested in a few more weeks when I reach the three month mark or if I should just let all of this go and move on from it. Advice?

I had my annual physical the other day and all of my bloodwork was perfect. I have been told by my parents, my boyfriend and even the testing center that I should not worry about having contracted it.

I have suffered compulsive thoughts before but this fear of HIV has taken over my life for the past 7 weeks. I feel better that you guys are out there too. I can't help but wonder why my obsession has been with this particular episode. I am not proud of it but throughout my single years I partaked in riskier behavior than this and didn't worry nearly as much about it until this time. I don't know if it's guilt because I love my boyfriend and am afraid this will ruin our relationship or if I am fearing that I may have a "sixth sense" where I sort of "just know" or what! I am going crazy though and I am scaring myself and those that I love.
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This forum...wow...I could have written so many of these posts! For the past TEN years, since 1999, I have had a ridiculous fear of HIV. It has crippled me. Everywhere I go, everything I do, there it is. I've probably had on average one test per year for the last ten, all negative. Intellectually I know that the ways I worry about getting HIV (touching things, picking up trash along the road in my neighborhood (even wearing gloves) are ridiculous. I've read all the literature. I've seen the websites. I've gotten educated about it. But the fear is still there and it NEVER goes away. I was actually tested today, should get the results early next week. And, on the way home I'm pulling into my neighborhood,,,We have a small, little community and we sort of take turns picking up litter (our neighborhood is off a busy road.) So, though I had gloves on and it was raining I picked up a febreeze bottle and a bleach bottle and put them in a plastic baggy to throw away. Ever since then I have been thinking...what if that bottle had blood on it? What if it was in contact with other trash like a used feminine napkin or something like that? Even though I wore gloves and even though I washed my hands afterwards, still...I've sat here all day thinking about it...so, if there was blood on the bottle, then I touched my eyes or nose or mouth....or maybe my broken cuticles....UGH! I am so tired of this. I am a married man with a new baby and I am so worried that I am going to give them something. My wife says not to pick up any more trash, but that's part of my OCD too...if there is trash, I'm gonna pick it up! It is SO NICE to know that there are others out there like me. Please feel free to keep in contact.

Thanks...
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1094396 tn?1257717034
From reading this ..... I think I may be on the brink of OCD for HIV
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Glad I found this forum!  I've suffered with HIV fear with OCD since at least 1993 and in college.  I was also hospitalized briefly for anorexia when I was 14.  However, my doctor recently prescribed Lexapro, and it seems to be helping so far.  
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1084114 tn?1302083430
Oh my goodness! Reading these posts makes me feel like we are almost family..lol! Its just good to know I am now alone....I received oral sex from a female friend I am a female as well...since then I have panicked....mostly because she is promiscous....I had a test done at 3 months and it was negative....prior to that I was changing my tampon and my daughter being explorative touched it and ever since then I think she put that same finger in her mouth and that I gave her hiv....this is soooooo scary!.....however got tested came back negative and some how I can't believe the test results....this is insanity! Someone help me please.....I even asked my daughters pediatrician could I have given it to her that way and she said no without a hesitation or a worry and im still scared about it! Oooooh my goodness! Some one help me please!
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Wow...coming to this forum I realize now that I truly have OCD. Just like many posters, I OCD about HIV infection by making scenarios up in my head. For example, I was on the bus and I dozed off for a few minutes.... and when I got off the bus, my body was sore. Logically, it's because I was on a city bus for an hour holding a heavy backpack. However, I convinced myself that the guy sitting to me (who coughed a lot) infected me with a HIV pin *****.

Now logically, there has only been one case of this happening to a prison guard in Sydney, but it was a little more than a *****. Moreover, if that really happened to me, I would have blood on my shirt, jacket, or a clear wound with a bruise and most likely would have woken up from it.  But somehow I can't help obsess about it.  I think those pin ***** urban legend email somehow got into my psyche.

Anyways, I am going on holiday in a few weeks and really want to stop obsessing about it lest it ruin my vacation.  I am going to try writing out answers to the questions another member posted as well as try meditation.   Anyone have suggestions?  This is starting to really affect me, but somehow I think with enough mental determination and help from this forums members, I will get better ....  

Appreciate any advice or help and I hope to return the favour if it does ... I guess, pay it forward so to speak...



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Hey Mickey,

I have done the same thing as far as having worries about a pin *****. I have taken 5 HIV tests in about 3 months and every last one of them have been NEGATIVE but as usual  I continue to let those intrusive thoughts continue about how I could have possibly contracted HIV. You are not alone in this! Never feel like you are!
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Glad to know I'm not the only one that does this. My fear started about 5 years ago. I was a little promiscuous and ever since them I am paranoid!!! I need someone to ease my latest fear although I know I'll have to take a test in 6 months. (just to be worried again that a dirty needle was used :p) but yesterday on my kitchen floor I picked up what I thought was a leaf. To my horror it was a band aid that had to be tracked in on a shoe. I do have cuts on my hand due to my excessive washing of my hands. Plus on one finger I have an infected fingernail. So now I'm worried I have gotten HIV from the band aid. HELP!!!!!
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1156883 tn?1262431356
It is so weird how we can think logically when giving someone else advice but not when thinking of the same thing happening to us.  You really don't have to worry.  There is NO WAY a bandaid that got tracked from where ever all of the way into your house could have kept hiv on it intact and living.  This is not possible.  Please don't worry.  I have to force myself not to get tested and it is so hard.  I have dreams at night about taking hiv tests and them coming back positive and then me wondering how it could be possible?  I had a dream the other night that one came back positive so I went to the store and bought eight more because I just couldn't believe it.  I am terrified of touching anything that someone else hands me for fear it might have blood on it from a papercut that goes unnoticed.  I live my life in fear and now I am to the point where I won't get tested.  I have done it so many times and it always comes back negative.  I can't let the thoughts go and they control my life to the point that it is all I think about even when I'm sleeping.  So, the only relief to my anxiety is medication.  Medication relieves some of the anxiety but does not alleviate my fears.  I still will not go through checkout lines unless someone is with me who can take the bags and the receipt. Last time I did I was unable to function for about five weeks because I thought I had hiv.  I didn't get tested just started back on meds.  Paxil made me gain a lot of weight so I stopped it and lost the weight.  I started Prozac two and a half weeks ago and so far no weight gain which is good.    Please do not worry about the bandaid incident.  I know it is hard to listen when someone tells you to let it go.  We can't deal with any uncertainty at all. We always have to check "just to make sure", "just in case", because "what if....." ???  Good luck and continue to post for support.
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Hi, I have been suffering with HIV OCD for the past 5 months, I am two weeks away from giving birth to my second child and absolutely petrified about going into hospital. I have been told by the doctor that my OCD probably started because of the pregnancy and having suffered 2 miscarriages in the last year and a half. I am obssessed that everything has come into contact with blood, and any red dot or mark I see looks like blood and I straight away assume it is contaminated with HIV. It is awful because it takes over yourlife, my hands are red raw from washing them and that just makes this situation worse. Everyday I have a new obssession, and can't seem to just get on with my life. I am hoping that once I have the baby it all goes away and I won't have time to think about these ridiculous fears. The only thing that seems to help is thinking that the chances that it's blood are low and the chances that it is HIV infected blood are VERY low.
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I have had OCD for about 15 years now.  Just like many of us, HIV is the highest on my fear list.  Anyway, what I wanted to say is that just like you, I "feel" like I have come across some blood  or "might be blood" almost everyday.  I bet many you feel like this too.  

Yet, as many times this has happend.  I still don't have HIV.  You know why>?  Because it's just the OCD.  That part of our brain that is almost constantly telling us that we are in danger is skipping like a broken record.  Look, if there was no HIV, then it would be the next worst thing, ya know>?  

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wow! we all fear the same,..i was at the gym cleaning myself up,..behind me was a guy in the shower.i keep thinkung what if this guy sprinkle water on my back! Will i get hiv,..i know it's insane cause he never did and i don't even know him. last week i was in a mall's wasroom when to my horror the guy nxt to me has a cut in his face with blood...i immidiately think that he sprinkle me with blood that goes tru my pimple when i know i have no blood in my clothes or skin...i am tired of this but i can't help it.

after all everyone dies,even the healthy peolpe die. but this fera of hiv has taken over my life. i never had sex for a year now thinking i would get it if i do. so there you go,..i feel what you guys feel and somehow feel bad for all of us. why can't we just be normal and enjoy life.

just think that everything happens for a reason and the most important thing WE ARE ALL HIV NEGATVE IN THIS SITE.

WE ARE ALL HIV NEGATIVE.

so why are we wtill worrying...

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Hi All,

I found this while trying to find ways to combat the OCD. I have been in therapy and have been trying to get this thing resolved. I am pregnant, and that is one of the main reasons I am trying to sort this out. There is enough on my mind with the pregnancy and with the OCD added, it is too much sometimes!! Talk about overload.

My paranoia and OCD about this started five years ago. I had protected sex with someone, but couldn't put it past me that it was just that, protected.I would go out drinking with friends, and was convinced that I was having sex with people, which would in turn infect me. This was way out there thinking, as the guys I was with were respectful and knew I was married and there was no way anything could happen.  That led me to test multiple times, sometimes as many as four tests a year. But these tests evolved- and something new would cause the testing. It could be thinking there was blood on a take out bag, a nurse re-using a needle, a pedicure or manicure that convinced me that I could be at risk. I would then stare at the nurses and lab techs to be sure that they were using new equipment- I was stare at people in the waiting room to see if they looked "sick." But even then, I would go home and start thinking about things in my mind, wondering if the items they used were new, or if I had imagined it. I would not be able to enjoy everyday life and these thoughts would consume my thoughts. It is good to see that there are others out there like me, it gives me hope that we can beat this together. Thanks for sharing your story. If you have any advice on how you try to combat the thoughts, or if you can relate to what I have written, please feel free to message me.
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hi ,
im not too sure if i have ocd but at times i think i do. for the past 7 months ive been going through anxiety attacks from thinking i had hiv. today, i had a super bad attack cause i went to my local public health clinic to get my result. i was so a wreck, i was shacking and tearing and having difficulty breathing. i keep thinking im going to be positive. all my friends and family keep telling me to relax and they assure that i dont have it. I guess the main reason is that i keep seeing weird symptoms on my body that seem like hiv symptoms. i dont know if its my mind making my body have these symptoms but for the last 7 months ive been having really bad trips. I even kept seeing adds, commercials, songs that had messages about hiv, and i never heard hiv related messages more in my life than within the last 7 months. i always think its telling me i have it , or movies are parallels to hiv and it was some weird psycho way of telling me i had it. crazy huh. my mind has not been in peace and it scares me so much..

How did u guys(that took the hiv blood test)feel before getting it? i feel depressed and scared. i keep thinking of my family and all the worst things that could happen. im really scared i developed a mental disorder. anyone out there who feels the same? i feel for those that are going through these terrible situations. none the less, if you have tested negative i truely and honestly feel that you should feel the best out of everyone because that is good news. i still have a 50/50 chance of testing pos or neg. as long as you dont have symptoms and test neg you are 100 percent safe. i know its hard to just forget, but do things that will help you forget like watch comedy shows or music or stuff.
The main thing is, trust in God and pray to him, talk to him he is our comforter and protector. Only he can help us through the bad times!
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also, did u guys get weird skin symptoms or diarrhea when you guys started getting anxiety over hiv?? right now im having diarrhea , scares me! it only happens in the mornings
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I alwAys thought that I would get shot I even wanted to join the army at one point and I would think well I'm supposed to get shot soo here I go on my way to get shot. I thought that a gangster would shoot me sometimes. I thought Maybe I would shoot myself sometimes. I even thought that if I go to a gun range and shot a gun the bullet would backfire and shoot me. So I've identified that I have always dealt with this sort of anxiety it's identity only changes and compulsive thoughts continue in a diferent way. I have OCD :)
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I alwAys thought that I would get shot I even wanted to join the army at one point and I would think well I'm supposed to get shot soo here I go on my way to get shot. I thought that a gangster would shoot me sometimes. I thought Maybe I would shoot myself sometimes. I even thought that if I go to a gun range and shot a gun the bullet would backfire and shoot me. So I've identified that I have always dealt with this sort of anxiety it's identity only changes and compulsive thoughts continue in a diferent way. I have OCD :)
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Does anyone out there have chilldren and constantly worry their children have caught HIV from the most ridiculous of ways?
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The best thing to do would not be to get checked. The best thing to do would be to learn to calm yourself down. Once you start worrying about having HIV your anxiety levels shoot up then when you're in that state you aren't thinking clearly. If you can find a way to control your emotions and think with a clear mind coming to the logical conclusion that you don't have HIV will be easier. When you'r anxious the evidence doesn't matter, your mind is out of control, you could have the test results on front of you, saying negative and in your anxious state you will find a way to believe you have HIV. Calm yourself down, relax, grab a hold of yourself and moving forward will be possible.
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Hi-
I am so relieved to hear so many people going through the same awful mind processes I am. The situation I am so terrified of sounds so stupid even to me, but it's still there and I am completely obsessing over it and I just feel 100% sure I am dying.

I'm a nursing student and during clinical at the hospital, I was washing my hands with antibacterial foam stuff. I noticed a kind of stinging on my hands and I looked at them and saw a very small cut (more like a scratch that bled just a tiny bit) on my hand. I instantly became petrified that I somehow contracted HIV from this. What if I had scraped against an old used syringe or something that was used on someone with HIV? Or what if whatever scraped me had blood on it or something? I am terrified because it did bleed, although it was a very small amount. I can't stop thinking about it and I am so scared I got HIV and I am dying. I know I didn't give any injections today or start any IVs or anything so I was not handling any needles at all. But what worries me is I have no idea how I got this cut and I am just so, so, so, so, so worried and scared that I got HIV from it.

I know I probably sound completely stupid to you all, but I swear, in my mind I am being completely rational and I have every reason to be terrified. I keep looking at the cut on my finger and then I feel so sick to my stomach; I don't even know how I am going to make it through the night.

I know I've got to stop this- I don't know how. I really feel like I am at risk here and I just can't do this. I'm so scared.
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I am so glad I found this site.  Like everyone here, I am completely paranoid about HIV but am glad I have found friends here going through the same thing.  I have had tests and have read up and learned that you can't contract it from objects, etc.  However, I found Josie77 and Amikins notes that they sometime think they have had sex with someone when they haven't.  Clearly, this is what one can go through when the anxiety gets this intense but how did they handle this?  I sometimes go through the same thing!  Thanks!
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lol! I only kinda skimmed through this thread bc there's so many people all saying the same thing I feel.  I too am convinced I have HIV even though the person I'm sure I got it from is in the lowest risk group ever and tested negative 4 months after we ended our relationship. Luckily he's a good sport and deals with the insanity. My friends all think I'm nuts. My doc thinks I'm slightly crazy. I'm now on Ativan and obsess every moment about it. I went to talk to psychic about it twice. The rational side of me knows I'm inappropriate, but the other side of me, just won't calm down. The fear is so consuming that my stomache gets in a pit, I feel it in the back of my neck, I get hot, I can't sleep. I look at my friends that sleep around and never get tested and they don't worry at all. And then there's me who gets tested habitually and doesn't sleep around who panics.
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Im so glad I found this, Im exactly the same as you all....convinced I have HIV. About 2 months ago I slept with an older man (Im 19), we had anal sex and he used a condom and lots of lube. Two days later I got a viral tonsilitus (which regularly get the bacterial version of), I was then convinced thats the condom split (even though I asked the guy and it didnt) and I was convinced I had HIV and didnt leave the house for days, read numerous online articles about HIV and couldnt bare to make contact with people.

Im slowely getting better with the OCD and I think when I get tested it will help me clear my mind but until then Im still worrying. Even though we used protection, I keep thinking I have HIV, everything I do I worry about, recently I got a rash (from using a new shower gel) and was worried it was the HIV (even though this isnt even a known symptom) it is taking over my life and the more I think about it, the worse it gets.
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I think I'm somewhere in between. You can read my posts. In a nutshell, I had a brief minute long kissing session,  with tongue,  but not that deep with a  girl I just found out is promiscuous. The thing is, is that I bit my lower inside lip 4-5 hours before the club during dinner. Damn cut!!!!!! Got tested at 40 days. Negative. I'm good for a week then these "what if" thoughts pop in my head. I get tested again at 53 days because I was sick of thinking every little thing on my body might be a symptom. I wanted to put it to rest. Again Negative. Happy again, for a week then the thoughts pop in my head again and I start prodding my body for nodes, possibly irritating the tissues and causing swelling. I've had   Dr. HHH and Dr. Cummings both tell me that there was no risk, that getting tested in the first place was a waste of time, and I should stop doing this myself. I respect them so much I know they're right given the evidence but I can't get these thoughts outta my head. My cousin who's an ER doc, even said ," I wouldn't worry about for a second!!!!!"Stop beating yourself up."  It seems after each test I get a little better.I'm trying soooo hard to not go back at the 12 week mark because I know in my heart and rational mind I'm fine.I know it'll be negative.  My 12 weeks mark is on June 10th. Prior to this I had a huge fear of flying. Maybe when this finally blows over I'll get back to my fear of flying, terrorism, and cognitive degeneration. I can tell you this, ever since this incident, I find the nightlife scene(which I used to love) a breeding ground for STD's. Irrational fear I know. All from a cut at dinner and a seemingly innocent minute or less make out session. But I know this will pass.
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Wow.  I thought I was all alone.  6 yers ago I had an affair with a man who was married for 15 years.  Only separated from his wife for a few months.  He died at the end of the affair right after I ended it.  I was also married.  Last Nov.  I tested positive for hpv which led to lots of googling for answers.  Since then I have had a yeast infection, possible warts on my face, a reaction to bactim, and possibly athletes feet.  I have had three yes three tests all negative. Two through std express and when I didn't believe those I took a home health access test.  Negative too.  Still every single time anything happens to me mind mind goes back to the fear which I believe has a lot to do with guilt.  I just can't get it through my head in spite of the fact that all experts and even people on HIV hotlines tell me there is no way possible.  It just sits there inside of me ruining my life.
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I would love to start a friendship with anyone going through this.  I see a tharapist this afternoon but truly need someone who has been there and understands.  Please contact me.  I need help.
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Hi. I am going through exactly the same thing.. i had unprotected sex with a guy 4 years ago.. only once and it lasted for not even a minute. i did a test 85 days after and it was negative. that guy is now married and has a son. i have asked him a million times if he has hiv and he has said no and that he donates blood all the time. even to this date i dont leave his life alone! prior to him i went through exactly the same thing with my xbf and i did 3 tests and i still wasnt convinced. I am in a relationship now and i have asked my bf to do a test as i doubt him also. I doubt everyone. and this an OCD. its horrible.. its takes my time my energy. i cant enjoy my life. and im only 25. i am seeing a therapist as well but doesnt really help. i am also on medication. but yeah i totally agree tests dont help because this is an OCD and the sufferer can doubt the accuracy of the tests also. i pray for you and myself and everyone else who goes through this to get over it one day and just appreciate our health and enjoy our lives.
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Iv had ocd since about 15 years old, im now 36 ive had a blood test every 3 months from the age of 18 to 33 and just a couple in the last few years, I never worry going for the test itself I suppose on some level I think im ok but its the three month window period that ruins my life, its prevented me from having relationships and I feel like im the only person that does it, my fear would be gone if there was no 3 month wait but I struggle to get though until I can get another test.
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Hi, I'm a first time member of this site. It is a real relief to discover that other people worry about the same stuff that I do. Whenever I try to express my worries to my family and friends they try to understand, but sometimes don't. I've had OCD since I was about 5 years old. Recently (within the last 2 months or so) I've been worried I have HIV/AIDS. I know it is proably an illogical worry, but this is why I am worried about it: I shared a cup with one of my teachers. I do not know if she has anything, but she seems sick often. Also, she has visited foreign countries. I do not know if she just had saliva on the cup, or if she had an open wound on her lips, mouth, or etc. Not only am I really worried about it, but I feel like an idiot for drinking after her in the first place. In my defense I was trying to face my fears. So, here I am worrying myself into a heart attack or stroke.

I'm very sorry if I offended anybody in any way.
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Hey guys.  I have had OCD for about 15 years and I used to get this fear too.  Now, I'm like, "if I have HIV, and I feel fine, then whats the big deal?"   The point is, what am I gonna do about it?    I test negative.  My ex's test negative.   So, F**K it.
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Sorry I just posted this in main area as a new post by mistake instead of adding to this discussion but here is my concern.

am so glad to have come across this forum.  I do not have OCD but have become very worried and almost obssessed with concern over having HIV.

About a month ago I had protected vaginal intercourse with a women i had just met.  I am unsure if she was infected with hiv but let's say that the more I learned about her and her number of partners I became very concerned.

She performed oral sex on me while I wore a condom for quite a while before we engaged in intercourse.  The condom that we used was a flavored condom. I checked it following the act and it did not seem to be damaged in a noticable way. However I am not sure about the quality of the condom and am not 100% sure that there was nothing wrong with it.    

I also came into contact with her menstrual blood by using my saliva as lubrication and putting my hand back in my own mouth multiple times.

To further complicate matters I was diagnosed just after this encounter with molluscom contagiosum and had a few small bumps on my abddomin and genital area from the virus during intercourse. I understand that having other sti's can enhance your chances of contracting hiv.

I know that symptoms are not the best way to diagnose but a month later I am experiencing some muscle fatigue, swollen glands, back pain and joint pain which I know can be early signs of hiv.  

I am definitely worried and am wondering what my risk of contracting hiv has been considering the following items.

1) Injestion of menstrual blood
2) Not sure about the quality of a flavoured condom
3) The fact that I have molluscum contagiosum
4) The fact that I am experiencing some but not all of the early symptoms common to hiv.

I have posted before and people have told me that I do not have any risk but I am hoping on this forum that someone may be able to tell me why I am haveing so many of these syptoms for a prolonged period of time (approximately two weeks).

I did go see a Dr. and was told that I did not have any kind of flu or illness and he said I was likely just nervous and to relax, but these are real physical symptoms that I am having.
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guys. Me too as same condition.my life is came painfull because of fear of hiv. Although i checked it after 6 months and i close that chapter.but now i'm thinking in my mind may in hospital nurse used me same syringe needle which is she used  befor another person. Even i checked medle it was looks new and was not blood at peak of needle and i asked nurse is it new ? She said of course new. But i always start to think may she used same syringe  i'm sure she used new. But i cant move this things from my mind. Please you all guys give me your own suggestion about using syringe in hospital and clinick ?
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as my knowledge hiv testing in 3 months is 99% and it takes six months those ppl who are iv drug users  and  who are under chemotherapy  and recently body organ transplaned. If you are not in these condition then 3 months blood testing is conclusive. Cheer  
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I have OCD all over my life. When I was a teenage ,I kept thinking about a part in my body that I think it's ugly and it makes me unable to do things at my best ,and makes me feel irritated. Now it's quite better but not be cured. Another OCD is I kept thinking about showing my  penis  to kids.I kept doing this for many times until  it's gone by itself. (may be it's not but since I can go to massage parlor or  secual commercial place  ,I don't want to show in public now.)  Now  my biggest OCD that makes me fatter and look quite sad is fear of HIV.

I never have unprotected sex.I once did protected sex and it's the only one time in life.After that I keep thinking about any mistakes that night for months until I could not take it and went to test. I thought it would be over and I can live my life but it's getting worse. I keep testing for stupid situation until now. The example are fear of blood in surfaces,handjob,touching,etc.


Just want to share and thanks for hearing.

I know the cure:keep doing things, relax,find friends,etc. I know it's not easy for us to help ourselves from this deep misery.
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hello.
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hi.

sorry about the premature submission!  i can relate to all of you...ocd has attempted to rule my life BUT i am doing everything in my power to fight the nasty beast.  as many of you have posted above, online chats like this can be very helpful, while searching the web relating to HIV/AIDS symptoms will only add fuel to your OCD fire.  

i had (according to my mind) every type of HIV related exposure, even ones that i could not acquire through sex.  my first "melt-down" occurred after i had protected/safe sex with a male partner and i was convinced that he intentionally broke the condom to infect me...i was not even sure that he was HIV positive.  i then thought that i was infected by kissing, a needle in a doctor's office, a manicurist, a Q-tip and the icing on the cake was thinking that i "blacked out" at a clinic while waiting for HIV test results (which were negative) and contracted it while in the waiting room.  

due to my OCD, i had strained relationships with loved ones, friends and family members and it was only 2 yrs ago that i began to receive CBT in conjunction with SSRI meds.  my mistake was that i stopped treatment once i felt better and my symptoms returned with vengeance.  IT IS CRUCIAL THAT YOU MAINTAIN THERAPY EVEN WHEN YOUR SYMPTOMS SUBSIDE...YOU ARE NOT CURED, BUT RATHER IN REMISSION.  many people will discontinue meds and therapy once they feel better; you must remember that OCD does not go away, rather can be controlled by a solid combo of CBT and meds and you will often experience aggressive symptoms during times of extreme stress.

i wish everyone on here luck with their treatment...i'm not going to lie, it will be a bumpy ride, but remember you are in the driver’s seat!
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Well these posts are old but just found und site and hoping someone will catch it and respond to it. I have pure O and for the last 20 years have had recurrent thoughts relating to hiv to the extent that I became a basket case. I am gay, older,very lonely as a result of not being able to relate to other gay men$ Yesterday I hooked up with a gay guy on Craigs list and he wanted to meet me but I freaked out about the memory that such an activity last time landed me on OCD drugs in a psych ward. I am better now, but I am miserable. The guy emailed me his disappointment and I feel bad for him too. I received some therapy but couldn't afford ot and instead immersed myself in my work trying not to think about it. I've had over 30 neg hiv tests. Can someone relate? Bill
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Well these posts are old but just found und site and hoping someone will catch it and respond to it. I have pure O and for the last 20 years have had recurrent thoughts relating to hiv to the extent that I became a basket case. I am gay, older,very lonely as a result of not being able to relate to other gay men$ Yesterday I hooked up with a gay guy on Craigs list and he wanted to meet me but I freaked out about the memory that such an activity last time landed me on OCD drugs in a psych ward. I am better now, but I am miserable. The guy emailed me his disappointment and I feel bad for him too. I received some therapy but couldn't afford ot and instead immersed myself in my work trying not to think about it. I've had over 30 neg hiv tests. Can someone relate? Bill
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Well these posts are old but just found und site and hoping someone will catch it and respond to it. I have pure O and for the last 20 years have had recurrent thoughts relating to hiv to the extent that I became a basket case. I am gay, older,very lonely as a result of not being able to relate to other gay men$ Yesterday I hooked up with a gay guy on Craigs list and he wanted to meet me but I freaked out about the memory that such an activity last time landed me on OCD drugs in a psych ward. I am better now, but I am miserable. The guy emailed me his disappointment and I feel bad for him too. I received some therapy but couldn't afford ot and instead immersed myself in my work trying not to think about it. I've had over 30 neg hiv tests. Can someone relate? Bill
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i just think some one is trying to infect me with needle
am so scared to go to theatre, when some stranger touch,poke me i think that he pricked me with needle and take duovir for 4 days... any one help me
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i have read most of these comments, and while im sorry you all are dealing with this, im at the same time relieved that im not the only one i thought i was going crazy... i cant sleep or have one single thought without this phobia bringing me to tears or putting me in a deep depression. i have kids, and sometimes im jumpy and frustrated, i try to keep on the tv the radio at high volumes to drown out the sound in my head. yes im a nut job. its the worst thing iv'e ever delt with. i haven't slept in days and sometimes consider suicide just to make it go away. i find myself becoming more isolated everyday. i have exhausted my friends talking about it assuming it would help but it rarley does. i've turned to marijuana for relief, sleep, and coping. i have tried meditation, perscription drugs, and coulseling but still im bombarded with heavy anxiety... even been tested too.. yeah i have had unprotected sex, but never have i worried  so much about anything in my life. it's taking over.
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I started reading the posts and I began to feel slightly better and I can see a correlation between guilt about having sex and fear of HIV.

Okay my story.  I don't have sex very frequently and now I feel that maybe the fear of HIV is so dreadful that the sex really isn't worth it.  A year ago I had unprotected sex with a new boyfriend, the first time we had sex.  All later times we used protection and I have no idea why we did that.  A year of it playing on my mind and I had a test which was negative.  I'd split up with that boyfriend after two months.

So then absolute blissful happiness descended and I go on holiday feeling fantastic.  Three days into the holiday and I have unfortunately hooked up with a new man and have agreed after a lot of worry to have protected sex with him.  We had intercourse 3 times and each time he wore a condom.  The very last time we had sex he managed to remove the condom before the end.  I had no idea, the sex was incredibly painful and I hated every moment but experienced maybe two minutes of unprotected sex which was not consensual.

This was two months ago and the fear and panic has totally gripped me.  The stress is so all consuming.  I am trying to decide whether to wait one more month and know for sure or whether I should cut my losses and do one now.

Any feedback would be wonderful.  For me, having an existing fear of HIV, I cannot understand why I had sex with this man.  I was not attracted to him and I certainly wasn't turned on by him.  I wanted to feel close to another person and now each day I am gripped with this nightmare.

I cannot wait to get a test done.  I know from now on that I cannot trust someone with a condom - what a cruel trick.  I did console myself that the man was formally married with two children and may not have had that much sex but if he is the kind of person to actively seek unprotected sex then maybe I am more at risk than I thought.

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I too am going through this fear of catching HIV! I had a scare earlier in the year after stupidly having unprotected sex with a guy I had just started seeing, the day after he tells me how he used to use a lot of drugs and even needles.. thats when the worry set in! so I got tested and tested many times after that all Negative! however now I feel like everyone I meet has HIV and is out to infect me :(  I met another guy last weekend and we ended up having protected sex.. however half way through he pulled out and started pulling himself saying it turned him on to do it against me... at the time I didn't think much of it! but now im worried he may have purposely taken the condom off and had HIV! I want to message him and ask but I know no matter what he replies it wont help! its driving me insane!

I am constantly hearing about HIV on TV, conversations, newspapers etc.. its like im constantly hearing the word HIV! I had never heard it before now! I am so scared that its just a sign I have it!  does anyone else get this??
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Hey there Laicat (and everyone - this is a great place!!)
I am a circumcised male, late 40's in a 24 year marraige where my wife has been ill for the last 6 years and physically unable to have sex. For the entire time, I did not do anything with anyone - I was celibate trying to wait for thinbgs to improve.. that was until I met a married woman totally chance a few months ago, whose husband was also unable to have sex for medical reasons (she is in her mid 40's).
We met 4 or 5 times (first socially, but we were attracted to each other immediately); we planned an encounter and both discussed our HIV status (we're both fairly senior people in our companies and HIV screening is part of our companies' policies as an example to everyone else)
So to my point... we're both in our 40's, married with kids (lots to lose), both met through an internet group supporting people who partner's could not have sex (both of us hadnt had any sex for what felt like forever), both were tested recently and were negative - (I never saw her proof, but she said assured me she was neg), it was no 1 night-stand - we got to know each other first - and although we live in a high infection rate country, these are tragically in vast numbers amongst the poorest sections of the population and just not in our "circles" (I am srry if it sounds snobbish).
We had 1 encounter only which was unprotected and I am circumcised. I totally panicked and still am in "scanners-on" mode, even though the chances of her having HIV (tiny) and me contracting it as a circumcised man (even more tiny) and then just 1 contact (tiny) make this whole thing insane.
5 weeks after I took a screeing and it came out neg, but I cant get the racing catastrophe out of my head.
I should know better - 3 ER trips with chest pains were nothing more than an anxiety attack each time. I stopped seeing her because of this -cant take it any more.
As a married man we have much to lose and would not risk something.

I have a technique I try to use which perhaps might help, and its based on pretty basic stats - maybe this will help
Chances of her being HIV positive given her circumstances prob 1/3000
Chances of her lying about her HIV negative test (a generous 1/100)
Chances of man contractig HIV when circumcised (6/100)
Simple stats give my chances as 1/5000000
Thats pretty convincing to me - perhaps my stats lecturer taught me wrong, but that's about as compelling a reason you could find.
Still I think about it all the time and will almost certainly remain celibate from now on.
This is a terrible, debilitating this, but we can ovrcome it
Mark
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Oh wow, I am SO happy I found you guys.  It means I'm not alone.

I got married a year and a half ago, after being with him exclusively for 3 years.  So, 4.5 years total in this completely monogamous relationship.

In the ten years prior to that, I had several partners, and while there were a few unprotected moments in the heat of the moment with several of them, every one of them wound up using a condom to finish the deed...........except one.  My ex before my husband, who cheated on me repeatedly.  Though he swears that he was tested for everything in March 2009 and all was negative, I waffle between believing him, or believing that I may have contracted H** from him or one of my other partners.  

None of them were gay, none of them were IV drug users, but I have been obsessing and obsessing that I have somehow contracted it (though my husband has been sleeping with me for 5 YEARS, had a physical for his life insurance 6 months ago and is negative).

This has me in it's grip REALLY bad right now.  3 weeks ago I got appendicitis, and then have had a complication of diarrhea (they say it's C. Diff) for the past 10 days.  I have managed to convince myself that, though 3 weeks ago I was perfectly fine and dandy, in a span of 3 weeks I have all the symptoms of the dreaded you-know-what.  I check my tongue in the mirror every morning, expecting to see white spots.

I have been pressing into my neck so hard looking for lymph nodes that I've given myself a migraine and managed to create a knot in my neck just behind the bone behind the ear (which of course wasn't like that before I began digging at it but now is DEFINITELY a lymph node, right?).  My arms have been bent to feel the back of my neck for so long over the past 3 days that now the muscles in my arms and elbow hurt......or is that epitrochlear lymph nodes I just never noticed before?  I can't get away from myself.

I have been on every symptom site the internet has to offer, constantly checking off what I don't have and calculating my risk.  If 27% of the stats are women and 17% of those are white, then I fall into the 5% category, right?  You can drive yourself nuts doing the math.  The one symptom I do have is persistent diarrhea, but for some reason my mind wants to ignore the fact that 3 weeks ago I had a frigging appendectomy, was taking narcotics and broad spectrum antibiotics and probably picked up a bacteria there.

Again, my husband has been with me for 5 years and is negative but I have convinced myself that he just got lucky and I have a bullseye on me.

This is terrible.  A little Xanax helps, but not much.  I want to go get tested because it would be so nice to have someone tell me that there is nothing wrong, but I am paralyzed by my fear.  I feel like I might just be confirming what I already know (though I am aware that I am being a nut).

I sit here going through my labs from the hospital.  CT scan shows no adenopathy and there are notes that there is none in my neck either - ok that's good!  Then checking the lab values of my lymphocytes.  2554 pre-surgery.  1750 less than 24 hours after surgery.  Why the drop?  Could it be the effect of laparoscopic surgery, IV antibiotics, IV narcotics, general anesthesia and bodily stress?  OF COURSE NOT!  The appendicitis must have triggered the disease!  It was just waiting until I was weak enough and I managed to drop 800 lymphocytes in a single night due to it!

I can't get away from this.  Please, please, please, someone help me.   What do you do to stop the OCD and gripping anxiety?
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Wow, this is such a relief
I thought I was the only one feeling like this. Thinking that I have HIV and constantly imagining my death in a few years time has driven me mad. Even though I've never had sex and i don't do drugs, I've been freaking out about kissing a boy which doctors say is no risk but for some reason that won't go into my head. I just keep thinking about my death or how some mad people may have injected the virus into me when I wasnt paying much attention... I know this sounds totally crazy but It's driving me mad...
I suffer from OCD and it links to this phobia as well for example I'll touch everything 5 times and tell myslef that if I do that my risks of HIV will be slimmer...
Anyways I know how everyone here feels
I hope everyone is feeling better and making a recovery
and I am very glad that I'm not alone
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It is so comforting to read that I am not the only person out here suffering from this extremem anxiety about contracting HIV.  I was married and divorced from someone I believed to have cheated on me, and to be very promiscuous.  I have since developed this extreme fear that I have contracted HIV, and that I am going to die.  I caught streph throat a year ago, and since then I have been obssessed with that thought I may have HIV.  It is getting so bad that all I do is sit on the computer and search HIV symptoms.  I was last tested for HIV when I was pregnant with my son, and it was negative.  Here lately I have gotten anxiety attacks just from the thought of getting an HIV test. I fear hearing that it is positive.  My obsession is getting worse and worse.  I find my self searching and searching HIV symptoms, and can find some type of way to relate all of them to myself.  If I am not searching for symptoms on my laptop, I am searching for them on my cellphone's internet service.  I cant look at anyone without wondering if they have HIV, or fearing they notice that I may have HIV.  I have even started to believe lately that the test I received during my pregnancy with my son was not accurate, and he too has HIV, and this fear is really taking a toll on me.  It is one thing for me to have HIV, and another thing for him to have to suffer with it.  I can't sleep at night.  I awake in the middle of the night searching HIV symptoms.  I dont want to do anything other than stay home.  I am contemplating moving out of my town because I fear everyone around me knows I have HIV, and I dont.  I have even been having thoughts of suicide, because the thoughts are taking over my mind and my thought process.  I have been trying to convince myself to get tested for months now, but I am too afraid of receiving the results.  I am a wreck, and I dont know what to do.  I feel like I am losing control of myself.  Please God help me. Please.
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I understand exactly what you are going through.  I am going through the exact same thing right now.  It is horrible.  Just last night I was up most of the night searching HIV symptoms uncontrollably.  Although I am sorry that others are suffering in this as I am, It is really comforting to know that there are others out here who understand what I am going through.  I am too afraid to be tested, because I fear hearing a positive result.  I have related everything that goes on in my body, and in my life to me having HIV.  I have even lately begin to fear that I have given the virus to my toddler son.  I dont know what to do.
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hi,

i am someone who knows exactly how you feel. i was with someone 2 seperate times about 7 yrs ago and he pulled out both times. when i went to the gyno that fallowing summer, she found cervical abnormalities and i called him and asked him what was up...he started crying and saying "oh my god, i can't believe this, i am in a relationship oh my god" like i had done something to HIM...so after i realized that the hpv cervial issue was nothing to worry about, i stated worrying all the time abut all inds of other diseases.

All this even tho i asked him, well, basically yelled at him and said was there anythign else i had to worry about and he said no.

it took me 3 and 1/2 yrs to get up the courage to get tested and it came out negative. I was fine until 3 weeks ago when my doctor mentioned my imflammation levels were high due to lack of vitamin d...and somehow that spun me into thinking i had ...i cant even type e it out... you know. i have been dealing with awful thougths of doomed future, losing my love in my life now, and haveing that"sixth sense" like you already logically know that you are ok, but what if the extra little voice is saying you are not and cant let you believe you are etc. and i try to think, if i just get passed it, but every time i try to feel better about things and look forward to soemthing... i feel like god, or someone else, will take it away from me...so i suffer.

i know that ocd is to blame and even in saying that...i think...oh no, maybe it's not, so much doubt...and ocd gets worse with time, so i am getting meds and help...it can get better i am told, so kee ur head up and talk talk talk to someone proffesional abaout everything...i'm with you in spirit girl..;]
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wow, i have a big fear of hiv as well. i've had ocd for 9 years... nearly half my life, and every so often it flares up. atm, it's in overdrive. and whenever i see condoms on the floor... believe me, i notice them a lot.. i seem to be the only one though, but i purposely avoid them in case i catch something from walking by them. also, not long ago, i was out in a club, and my mate was kissing some lesbian... bit strange since my mate is a guy... but he told her to kiss me and i was like no, but a bit later she just pounced on me, stuck her tongue in my mouth and stuff. and then the next day i started worrying again in case i caught something. i made a post on here and asked whether there was anything to be worried about, and both replies were that you can't catch anything from a kiss, except maybe cold sores (which never happened). this sorted my worries out, but now the worries and fears have started up again. argh, i hate it.
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ok ppl,this seems 2 b the very best place to get the info needed for me,ive tested negative after 1,2,3,4 months after possible infection,all negative  know the human brain is an undisclosed powerful organ but is it possible to manifest symptoms after reading up on them ((google)) wits end is a understatement for me right now,am i gonna die,aaarrrggghhh
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Hi

I suffered from OCD about HIV from the ages of 15 to 19. I live in the UK and what triggered it was a holiday in the US in the 1990s when paranoia was high - and I saw some dried blood on the wall in a motel. I'd also been involved with a bisexual man who was 15 years older than me (although we never had full sex.) My boundary with him had been to do anything that did not put me at risk from contracting HIV - and then one day I was kissing him and his lip was cut on my braces. This was horrible - I wanted a test (he had one that was clear) - and I became obsessed with avoiding anything that had blood on it during the 3/6 month window period where you would not show up. I wouldn't eat in restaurants, I would wear a band aid on my finger to school each day, I wouldn't use the school toilets, I would freak out at the hairdressers in case they cut themselves, and even if someone brushed by me I would be convinced that I hadn't seen a cut and had blood on me. My OCD mainly disappeared when I left home, went to university and came out as a gay woman. However, it was always in the background throughout my 20s. What finally helped me get over it was knowing lots of gay men who had lots of casual sex and didn't catch it (they tested regularly, and mainly had safer sex) - I figured if they were okay, I would be too. Since then I've felt comfortable hugging and kissing (on the cheek) friends who are positive - which would have really distressed me (shamefully) before.  
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PS - I tested negative aged 17 and 22, but haven't tested since because I think it just fuels my OCD. I have never had unprotected sex with a man - so I think the testing doesn't help the overthinking.
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I think testing when you have been in a no risk scenerio fuels a feeling of danger. I think that feeling of danger is one feeling I have been struggling with.
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I am amazed that I found this site. It is very refreshing. I have had OCD since I was 18 years old when I had unprotected sex I though I contracted HIV so I got tested over 10 times over a 12 month period only to finally accept I did not have it. Since then I have never had sex. I am finally in a relationship with someone who has a high sex drive and we have been together for a couple of weeks. He told me that even though he wants to have sex, that he is willing to wait. But he thinks the reason why I want to wait is b/c I want to see if this relationship is real etc., but the truth THERE IS NO WAY that I can have sex and I belive I will cost this relationship. I am very attractive I'm told by friends, etc. but I am 30 years old and I am so so tiered living like this. How can one be in a realtionship this way. I feel like I'm a weirdo or I simply will give up on relationships all together. My therapist thinks I am finally pushing my boundaries. For example all 4 days we slept together (not ORAL SEX OR SEX) we just made out felt each others bodies in the nude, etc. We both turn each other alot. But even from making out and all that I described I feel like wow, am I at risk of getting HIV, etc. but I know it is mainly from my OCD but also I feel it's real like may freakishly it's going to happen to me. PLEASE HELP and thank you so much for starting this thread. I really appreciate your genuine input.

-AAN
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Ok
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Ok heres my story.  My ocd about hiv started like 3 years ago.  I woke up one morning and thought maybe someone pricked me with a needle during the night, absolutely ridiculous, but the anxiety was just too much.  Then, I resolved to get a test done in 6 months and that eased the pain for a while.  Unfortunately, the ocd came back and at the worst point, my main fear was getting anything that looked like blood on me or getting pricked by a used needle that someone taped under a table or any ledge for that matter.  That led to any ledge under which I couldn't see I would have to check if, upon walking close to that ledge (for example, a table, a desk, bench, etc.)I felt any sort of sensation (slight itch, pain, anything).  I would wash my hands constantly and I even took a shower for like 2 hours once.  Ever since then, however, it has gotten better.  I now don't care about touching stuff at all, even with unknown substances because, frankly, if I touch stuff, there is no way to know in the future whether hiv was present so, in my mind, there is no way to "check" anything/perform a compulsion.  I'm really glad that part is over with.  However, one part of my hiv ocd still stubbornly remains and that is the part about dirty needles under ledges.  And it gets even more specific than that.  I don't care about dirty needles being under ledges in which I can check at a later time easily without any people walking by and thinking what a weirdo.  On the other hand, I also don't care about ledges where a ton of people walk by constantly and there is absolutely no chance that I wouldn't be noticed.  Lastly, I don't care about temporary "ledges" such as a fold out table, where, if I didn't check under it, then someone else would notice (if there was any needle under it) eventually.  Thus no need for me to check those.  So, the ones that do get me are ledges in which not many people pass by and I have a slight chance of checking under it without being noticed.  If that makes any sense, that is what causes the most anxiety.  For example, things that make me anxious would include under a water fountain by a track, benches by a tennis court, or anywhere where people are but not always, and the ledge has to be a permanent structure.  This all seems very weird to me rationally but we all know that ocd is irrational and this is why it continues.  
     I have been trying really hard to ignore these thoughts and a lot of the times it works, but occasionally, one of them gets me.  I'm really anxious for a couple days, but then, no matter how bad it seems at first, the anxiety subsides completely.  Lastly, it always seems that if I am not worried about something in the moment, that my mind is racing to try to find something to worry about as if it is not allowing me to NOT worry about something.  very weird stuff...doesn't make sense to me.  Anyone have any remotely similar experiences or any ideas here?  I think I might be on the verge of getting this under control.
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hi im so happy to know im not the only one going insane with this! i most definately have OCD.it all started when i had precancerous cells removed on my cervix almost 8 years ago.from then on i was convinced i had cervical cancer, my doctor assured me that if i get regular paps i would be ok.nope not me it was always the what if?!!! googling never helped either. i was terrified until i had that in the clear test result come back.you think that is nuts? i had  myself convinced i was pregnant with 57 pregnancy tests in total blood/urine ;) my doctor recommended a therapist and i basically told him to f off. so with the non stop googling and tv shows like i did;nt know i was pregnant? scared the living hell out of me.i had anyway i had to get an ultrasound to proove i wasnt. so that brings me to the worst fear ever HIV!. i had a supposedly no risk encounter.protected sex for a few min.and now im driving myself mad with the what if scenario with that as well.its weird, ill be fine for a few days or if i read a few posts on here or aidsmeds and then boom!!! ill read something on another site and ill go into panic mode! sorry if im rambling but i totally know where you guys are coming from, i also had a 4 week neg test but still  dont trust it.im terrified to get the 6 week one:( this is taking over my life tbh. i really cant take it anymore! damn you OCD:(....
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Please, please get some help! I have had OCD for 17 years and I know all the pain, fear, anger, devastation, etc.... that you feel. Please get help before you get married so that you and your husband can enjoy life! When I was first diagnosed I was put on luvox which helped calm me down but didn't fix the problem. It got so bad my parents almost had to give our dog away because I kept feeling I was harming her. I couldn't hardly get out of bed or leave the house. I struggle with the HIV/ contamination fears as well. My parents finally found hope and help for me through behavior therapy. In Saint Louis, MO there is a behavioural health institute with a therapist who specializes in OCD treatment and is one of the best in the country. She helped me soooo much! Its not cheap but well worth it! There are also books out now about self help behavioral therapy, one is called "Brainlock". It really explains what OCD is and how to trick it. Its a chemical imbalance and when you change your thoughts about OCD, your brain chemicals rebalance themselves and the hyperactivity in the brian calms down. People can get 98% better!! Please, please get help, it won't go away on its own, you will never be able to wash enough or take enough tests and you can't outwill it! But it is stupid and you can trick it! God luck and God bless!
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AAA so happy to find this site! Totally relate to this.... I'm so sick and tired of these ******* thoughts about HIV and the "what if''s", despite trying to run through the low risk things I have done. Still does not help. And the worst is that I know that if I go for (another) test, I will still have the thoughts, no escaping! I recently (Jan) came off medication I was on for anxiety, and things were great, but recently this **** is popping up again (I think due to the fact that I have flu)... Cannot take it anymore. I see a psychologist, but it does not help between sessions having these thoughts :(
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I am ver very relieved that i have come across this site. I now know that i am not alone. I really thought i was the only person in the world that was going through this. Having thought of having ....that diesease... has really torn me apart i wake up it's that thought i go to sleep it's that thought i try fightting it off by thinking positive but it just doesn't work. I have this crazy thought after me and my parents had a roomate who was positive towards the diesease. Me and her  was very cool, she even called me her little sister. I used to do her eyebrows and weeks later i would try to use the same eyebrow razor to do my eyebrows at that time i was young and dumb and didnt know any better. It's when i started to grow older i realize what i tried to do was so dumb i just automatically had the fear of being infected. I am so scared of getting this diesease i can't even spell the name out. I know once the diesease hits the air, the virus is gone but i cant help but think i actually have it. My friends tell me to stop jinxing myself and says i do not have it but my mind won't correspond to positive thoughts. At one point i even thought i had herpes but i never had a sore.There isd time i would cry myself to sleep because of the fear of getting infected. I never got tested because i dont want the test to come out positive. Every night before i go to sleep, i pray to God hopig and wishing i sdo not have this. When i pray i feel so confident but after the prayer is over, reality sets back in. I think about the people who actually has the diease and i tell myself i must have it too because who am i to not have it. I AM NOT a sexually active person i only had sex 18 times. This is really bugging me because i really want to go to college to become a pharmacists. That is my dream career and i would do anything in my power to become one. I told God that if i had it please just killl me now so i won't have to live with this misery. Since that i am now finiding that i have OCD i feel a bit relieved maybe my mind is playing tricks but the thought of my actually having hiv IS still at alrge i dont think ths thought will ever actually go away. Lord please help me and internet friends of this forum help me alo. i really want to becomea  pharmacists, i need to over come this negative thought. Thank you guys for being open about your sitiaution i am not alone.
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hello
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1749436 tn?1312150438
i thought it was just me, but for the last 13 yrs iv been convinced i got hiv, after 12 test of hiv 1 hiv2 p27 and more and care workers because noone believes me! iv been going through intense therapy for the last 4 yrs im on medication because they think i suffer with skitzophrenia due to a mental breakdown because of these obsessive thoughts! Iv noticed bones appear had cold after cold, achy bone,s fatigue, lung infections, weight gain , weight loss at one point,nausea, dizziness etc and i just 6 wks ago suffered a heart attack and now out of the blue i got unstable angina and i put it down to having full blown aids, but the test keep coming back neg, so your not on your own hunnie and noone will convince you u havent got it unless your willing to accept it in your own time, there is medication and docs that will help the compulsive thoughts, you really need to know your seriously not on your own and there is pycological help when your ready. take care hunnie keep your chin up

sarah xx
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Is anyone out there who thinks  he/she may have HIV after a exposure despite testing -ve a lot of times and then NEEDLE NOT CHANGED and things like begin to haunt ?
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As much as I regret to say this, I'm glad I've come across so many people who are experiencing the same issues as I am.  As strange as it may sound, it always makes one feel a bit better when he knows he's not the only one.

I'd say that my phobia over HIV has last about 8 years now, ever since I was in my early 20's.  When I was 21 I had an unprotected sexual encounter with a girl I was dating, who I later found out had a rather "risky" sexual history, and wasn't one who really believed in using condoms.  Luckily I came out of the situation ok and tested negative, but I never really was able to shake the paranoia since then.  I'd even go as far as to say that my fear of HIV even affected my following relationships, and was a major distraction for me in school, and at work.

Although today I am much more educated on what presents itself as being high risk, low risk, and virtually NO risk in terms of HIV transmission, I still find myself worrying over the most ridiculous situations.  My most recent one occurred over a month ago.  I am presently in a long term, monogamous relationship.  Just over a month ago me and a few of my friends had a night out that involved some drinking, and later heading on over to a local strip club.  Earlier in the night I felt pretty buzzed, so before going to the strip club we decided to stop off somewhere to grab a bite to eat (I foolishly hadn't eaten all day), and drink some NON-alcoholic in order to re-hydrate.  After eating a hearty meal and relaxing for over an hour, I felt much better and more coherent.  

We headed to the strip club and after being there for about 15-20 minutes a stripper came to sit at our table and made conversation.  She asked me if I was interested in a private lap dance, to which I agreed.  I couldn't have been with her for more than 15 or so minutes, and till this day I do not remember us engaging in ANYTHING risky other than her allowing me to kiss her breasts momentarily.  Later than night I "pleasured" myself and upon finishing I noticed that there was some blood in my ejaculatory fluid.  I didn't think anything of that night.  The next day I decided to read up on it and apparently it's actually quite common and nothing to worry about if it occurred only once.

Needless to say, a month later I started thinking about it all and of course started scaring myself.  I started to make myself believe that maybe I actually did MORE than just get a lap dance with teh stripper, and that I might blacked out or forgot about it because I drank that night.  I try to get a grip over my thoughts by reminding myself that I remember many parts of the night in vivid detail, from what the stripper looked like, to the fact that she even made sure I knew the "rules" before getting the lap dance (no touching of the vagina), to how much money I even spent for the whole night.  I still keep making myself think however that I somehow managed to forget about inserting my penis in her without a condom on, even if it's impossible for me to have actually done so.  

My issue isn't so much with myself getting sick.  I am an adult and I am more than willing to accept the consequences of my actions.  My fear however is having potentially infected my fiancee over my stupidity.  I simply would never be able to live with the shame and torment of having gotten someone I love sick.  Once again, I know my fears based on on this episode are completely irrational, but the only way I can shake them once and for all is by going to get tested (it will probably be the 10th time in my life).  I need that scientific evidence in order to put my mind at ease once and for all.  I'm so scared though...
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I was raped sixteen months ago. By somone who told me they had HIV I stopes mensturating and had the ars symptoms. I've been tested for a year and a half and it's been negative but yet I'm so scared I won't even leave my house
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1699033 tn?1443113373
I am so incredibly sorry to hear you were raped.  You mentioned that you have been tested for a year and a half and it has always been negative, that is great.  However, have you ever sought treatment for the psychological trauma that you have been living with?  If not, then I suggest you seek therapy either individually or in a group.  You have made a prison for yourself by staying home.  You deserve so much more out of life.  Please think about getting help so that you can move on with your life without fear.  You are in my prayers.  
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I am very much in the same situation. I was in a relationship with someone who I had no reason to suspect she had HIV.  Not sexually promiscous, not a drug user and I know for a fact she had a test a few months before we got involved as her whole family was tested for an organ donation. Ever since the end of the relationship I have been in pure hell and have gotten tested at least 10 times out to more than 5 months after the relationship ended. A big problem with the HIV fear is there is varying opinions on when you can say you are definitely HIV negative. Every country in the world besides the US says 3 months at the most and some even say 6 weeks is conclusive, but the CDC still likes to say a small percentage of people need to test out to 6 months. Medhelp is a very good site for information on this topic as there are experts from both the US and overseas that give good advice on risk assessment and test reliability. For people with OCD who obsess over the "what ifs", it is difficult to believe the dependability of current testing methods. I am just a couple of weeks away from my 6 month mark and I know that if I don't get tested I will simply never be able to let it go. It is the most infuriating feeling in the world as there are many times where logic takes over fear and I feel confident that I am negative, but the obsessive thoughts always come back. I really don't have any advice on the subject except that you need to try to keep your situation in context. You can find tons of forum posts in the HIV Forum where the doctors explain the math and probability of even getting infected with HIV in the first place (low risk versus high risk) and what a negative result means for a person at what time. And my other piece of advice that I have a hard time following myself is:

Realize that we live in one of the biggest finger-pointing countries in the world where people just look for excuses to sue doctors and health organizations. Remember the US's psychotic response to SARS, bird flu and swine flu? They have to cover their *** as they are the health organization to look to in the US, and their stance on HIV is no different. They even still note on their website that there's been a few cases of people testing positive after 6 months which is something that almost all experts consider to be ********. The CDC will probably never drop their guidelines to be less conservative as they simply cannot take the risk.  If you find a health forum on HIV such as thebody.com where Dr. Bob says to test out to 6 months if you are high risk, you need to read between the lines a little and see some of his posts where he recommends to follow the HIV guidelines of the country you are in. He chooses not to contradict the CDC as there are cases of people taking up to 6 months to test positive. HIV was discovered in 1983 and there is no telling how much money has been spent on testing research since then. All the Medhelp experts say 3 months is even ultra-conservative for everyone except for people on PEP medications and severely compromised immune systems (i.e., cancer, being treated with chemotherapy).  So, if you are able I would try to trust the advice of the experts that are out there in the field testing people every day.  And if you figure out how to do this all the time without doubt creeping into your mind, let me know. :)
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I'm starting to get really worried and I too have OCD.

Me and my friend went to a pub the other night, and I found an unopened packaged condom on my chair. I decided to take it and practice with it when I got home since I'm too embarrassed to buy any, and practice makes perfect eh? :P

After I had tried it on, all that went through my head was the typical OCD fears. This mostly consists of "why was it there?", and "what if someone opened it up and inserted HIV into it?".

Any advice? I know it's stupid but I'm literally going nuts over this, and it's all I'm thinking of right now.
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1699033 tn?1443113373
There is OCD and then there is HIV Anxiety.  Since you are not having other irrational thoughts or compulsive behaviors, I would say you have developed HIV anxiety.  This is very, very common.

Let me tell you a little bit about HIV.  It cannot live on surfaces.  It cannot live on a chair, a package, or a condom sitting in a package.   It can only be transmitted when an HIV infected person's blood comes into DIRECT contact with a cut on an uninfected person.  This is why intercourse is a method of transmission.  And even in this instance, the chances of getting HIV are not 100%.  So you have absolutely no risk of having HIV.  Doubt I know is a big thing here.  You are second guessing what you did trying to prove or disprove whether you have HIV or not.  I promise you that you do not and could not get HIV from practicing with this condom.  
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Thanks for the input JGF25!

The fear got worse due to the fact that a day after I had practised with it I woke up sweating (it was quite hot in my room however) and that I have what appears to be a cold. I had to do a lot of work with my arms that day (which was on sunday, which involved lifting) and my arm is still hurting from it. So all my mind is thinking is that these are HIV symptoms.

Also I do actually suffer with OCD as I was diagnosed with it 15 years ago (crazy to think how long ago it is now), but I've stupidly never gone to get help for it.
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This is something that I have come across with myself as well. My OCD in the past has been with cancer-phobia, and if you have a fear of a specific illness any symptom that pops up will have your mind attach it to the fear. It doesn't seem to matter when a knowledgeable person assures you that there is nothing to worry about. A mind with OCD always seems to think that we will be the 1 in a billion chance that something bad happened as we believe anything is possible. But JGF25 is right: the situation you are concerned about is akin to being worried about a meteorite striking you dead as you get hit by lightning. About as close to impossible as one can get. You may already know this if you're educated but no doctor biologist will ever say something is ZERO risk as mathematical laws of probability prohibit it. But what helps me sometimes is to fully break down what you are worried about. You found an unopened condom. Do you really believe someone with HIV would inject a condom with their blood or semen in a dastardly plot to infect a random stranger? And let's say someone actually did this: HIV is transmitted through fluid. Blood, semen, vaginal fluid, breastmilk. That is IT. Do you really believe you wouldn't have noticed one of those things in the condom? And even if there was something in the condom, HIV cannot survive exposed to air. If it could, tons more people would have HIV. So assuming that everything to this point is true, opening up the condom would expose it to air and kill the virus. And knowing how an OCD mind works, you have probably looked up studies on the internet on how long HIV survives in air. You will probably find something that says biologists have tested concentrated HIV samples which take an hour or so to become inert. But these samples' viral loads are concentrated several hundred times more than you could expect HI infected fluid to be in a natural setting. You put all these things together and you might as well call the HIV risk 100% impossible. If all this does not satisfy you, find a free clinic and get tested and go in for what sounds like some well-needed sex ed. You need to know about condoms and how to use them so when you do have sex (actual HIV risk) you do it safely.
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1699033 tn?1443113373
That was a great post Thomas.  I hope 89tjr found more comfort from the wonderful details you provided.  
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Thanks for the help guys.

It has eased me a bit and hopefully it'll get better with time.

There was actually something inside the condom, but that's because it was a special condom with lube inside it. I knew this and tried it on anyway, but when thinking about it a while later my mind kept jumping to an unrealistic scenario.

I'll most likely get tested sometime in the future anyway (when I'm actually having sex), but I've got to keep telling myself I don't have HIV. There's no reason for me to have HIV and no one, no matter how evil would inject a condom with an STD.

It's funny how OCD instantly thinks of the worse case scenario eh?
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1699033 tn?1443113373
Yes, it is quite amazing how our brains work and what irrational scenarios we can come up with.  Keep saying those positive thoughts.  :)
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Yeah just got to stay positive!

The only thing concerning me now is the fact I still have a bit of a cold (which isn't a symptom of HIV from what I can tell, but my mind likes to tell me it is!) and my arm still feels stiff (from the heavy work I did on the 4th September). My mind is trying to relate that as being a symptom, but it's stupid to think that since it seems like far too big of a coincidence to pop up the day after lifting up heavy objects.

Just got to try and remain positive.
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Yes I suffer fromt his exact same thing iam convinced i have hiv i had a risky ecounter 3 months ago and have had 5 test done all negitive but i have swollen nodes in my neck and groin and weird pink pimples on my thighs and arms! so im convinced i have hiv even though i have tested Neg
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1807579 tn?1317177297
hey everyone, im afraid of hiv all the time, sometimes i feel better until i see a stain in my clothes, it could be a stain of coke of food or anything but i start to think it could be blood or seme....oh please its horrible, i just want to be happy again and my intrusive thoughts are going me crazy...
i just want to be normal again, my life is beautiful but this ocd doesn't allow me to enjoy my beautiful life, i want to be out of this complete shitt
sorry for my english, im not a native speaker :(
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Suffering with these thoughts is needless.  You both need to seek professional help.  Contracting the HIV virus is a very common irrational fear and therapists have a lot of knowledge and techniques they can pass on to you.  There is also the medication route which can be very helpful.  

You say you want to be normal again...that requires you to be proactive and take charge of your life by seeking out the proper help.  You can do it and you can get your life back.  
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1807579 tn?1317177297
yeah i know, it's difficult, but i go to a therapist and i visit to a psychologist, she helps me a lot but sometimes it's very hard to avoid, i mean the doubt, the doubt is always in my mind.
for example, yesterday i saw a little tree leaf in my hair and i touched it, so it had something brown, so i saw it in my hand, it was mud, obviously but i have a doubt that it maybe was blood...my mother saw it and she told me it was mud...
that is my big problem..
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1807579 tn?1317177297
:( it's going me crazy
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1807579 tn?1317177297
yeah i know, it's difficult, but i go to a therapist and i visit to a psychologist, she helps me a lot but sometimes it's very hard to avoid, i mean the doubt, the doubt is always in my mind.
for example, yesterday i saw a little tree leaf in my hair and i touched it, so it had something brown, so i saw it in my hand, it was mud, obviously but i have a doubt that it maybe was blood...my mother saw it and she told me it was mud...
that is my big problem..
i just want to be happy again, i want my life back
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